Kouta Aito (Kouta's History)

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Kouta's history tab contains dark and NSFW content, please heed the warnings below.


Content warnings -- mentions/descriptions of the following: Abuse (parental and otherwise), rape mentions, violence/death, suicide, mental illness descriptions (anxiety), sexual acts (BDSM).


Early life -- Teens

Kouta's inception wasn't exactly... A happy one. He was born an illegitimate child from rape. His mother, Mei, who was 17 at the time, believed she could raise him as her own child, that she should still show kindness to him even though the option for an abortion was available. She declined and instead kept him to raise as her son. Her family wasn't happy about this, and after giving birth at 18, they chose to ignore her and only send payments to help aid her throughout motherhood, without being there for her otherwise. She was young and naïve, believing she can take on the responsibility of raising him alone and at a young age without issues. That her love for him would be enough, that they'd be able to make it despite road bumps. And for a while, everything was alright. There weren't any problems with childbirth, Kouta came out healthy and normal. There was one issue though, one that she didn't believe would hinder her as much later as it did. Kouta was born with red eyes. His mother had brown, like the rest of her family. Red was the color of her rapist's eyes. And for that, she struggled to look at him in the eyes. After a while, she struggled to look at him at all.

From his infancy to toddler years, the two had a strong bond. They were nearly inseparable, one always at the side of the other. He was and still is a mama's boy. Her parenting was less of the parent type, and more of the type to say "my child is my best friend". It didn't necessarily cause many issues, Kouta was well-behaved. It just made him not like to talk to anyone else, becoming a bit of a social recluse. He's always showed some anxiety issues even as a kid, but only later in life did it become severe. He especially loved her cooking, his favorite being Osaka-styled Okonomiyaki. His mother was born and raised in Osaka, but strangely the both of them never inherited the accent or speech mannerisms.

Somewhere past his toddler years, from around 6 years old onward, the warmth his mother showed him started to become infrequent. She'd be distant, not talking to him or ignoring him when he comes to ask for help or general attention like he used to do so often. It took him a little while to notice her sudden coldness. But when it settled in, he'd instead push back by trying to get closer to her and asking what he did wrong.

Sometime later, her seeming cold and distant became neglect. And down the line, it became outright physical abuse.

When Kouta acted out or irritated her, or even was around when she wasn't having a good day, she'd pull on his hair or otherwise hit him, when he was his worst, she'd use an electrical cord on his bare back. He has 8 scars on his back from her that still appear as an adult. He refuses to take off his shirt around others to avoid showing them. She'd also raise her voice and have other generally controlling, abusive behaviors, but all of these caused Kouta to develop even more severe anxiety. Little things like shaking as soon as he'd start to panic and easily crying stem from her. He'd constantly walk on eggshells around her, while still trying to gain her love and affection that he once felt all those years ago. He believed that she was just having a bad time, that it'd all return to normal eventually. And when she apologized for how she acted or what she said, he'd believe her with no hesitation and accept her.

In reality, all of the stress of having a child so young, and one that resembled her rapist, piled on top of her to the point where she couldn't handle it alone anymore. And without any support, all of the love she had for him turned into bitterness, a trauma response. She struggled to look at him or hear him without panicking or immediately becoming angry.

All of this extended well into his teens.


Adulthood -- Present day

Kouta did exceptionally well at school, getting high grades in each class and generally being a smart kid. Besides common sense. He didn't have close friends, but he was known enough that if you asked about him others would say "Kouta seems nice, he's just quirky". He graduated the top of his class at 18, then entering into college.

Then, in his first year of college, his mother passed away. He was 19. She committed suicide by jumping off the Akashi-Kaikyo Bridge at 30 years old. Her funeral was the only time he ever got to see the rest of his family. They openly berated them both at the ceremony amongst themselves, souring his only impressions of them. And they left him alone after it was over, never offering him help. He claims that if her family just helped her, if they supported her when she needed it the most, she wouldn't be dead and he wouldn't be "the way he is" either. He was the only one that cared for her, and she was the only one that cared for him. That it was all they had. Kouta doesn't care if she hurt him, she was the only person that raised him and loved him. Past the funeral, he refused to ever associate with them. He later dropped out of college and pursued a job to support himself.

Since the day she died, Kouta has been stuck in a permanent stasis of extreme anxiety and distress.

At 20, his curiosity of his own fetishes hit a peak. He's been with men and women sexually before, but to him the experience was unfulfilling. That he somehow felt empty, that it felt wrong and even gross at times. Feeling curious about his own sexual fantasies, he browsed 2channel boards on BDSM and felt his exact paraphilia was described. Masochism-- the need for pain. He hired his first Dominatrix, Miyu, shortly after, and his life changed permanently.

His life quickly changed goals from just staying alive, to needing to see dominatrices to survive. It's not perversion necessarily. It feels nice to him, yes, but the main things he enjoyed about it were less about sex. The pain his mother inflicted to him emotionally and physically were gone. This was his substitute. He got addicted to the feeling of being sexually tortured because he couldn't handle not having her around. Along with people seeing his anxious tendencies and generally unattractive behavior from it (like sweating), no one wanted to get close to him, especially women. Hiring a dominatrix to berate him was his way of getting intimacy with someone else, even platonically. And after a while, he got desperate enough for human affection that he started paying them to stay behind to do small things like pet his hair or hold him. He continues to do it multiple times a week, as much as his budget allows. It's one of few things that keeps his anxiety at bay. It's twisted his personality and general sense of self enough that he calls all women "Miss" more than their actual names, and is particularly obedient to them even outside of sessions, only feeling truly comfortable with vulnerability around them. He also... Seems to chase down women who look or act just a bit similar to his mother, to be held during aftercare. He treats women like goddesses, leaving him open to acting too strange for most and easy to take advantage of by the wrong crowd.

He was hired at an average salaryman desk job later on by telling his boss his sob story and begging to be let in, that he had no other place to run to. He lacked the degree but was otherwise qualified, so he was hired. He remains the person who pulls the most weight out of everyone, a hard worker. His coworkers think he's weird from his behavior and bad habit of screaming while startled, and result to making fun of him when he's not around or on drinking nights. But in reality, he's good at his job, just eccentric. He's refused all promotions from his boss out of fear and not being qualified, but after working there for a while he already surpassed qualifications. He stays extra long in order to pay for his dominatrix appointments, with hefty tips. And when money eventually runs out, he resorts to cup ramen for the rest of the week and feeling particularly tweaked out from his needs not being met. He doesn't even buy new clothes from the need for sexual torture, he has clothes that are decades old with holes in them and particularly frumpy. He figures no one will see him out of uniform anyways.

Outside of his job and sexual exploits, he keeps plants as company, growing them in his tiny apartment to the point where it more resembles a rainforest against the walls. He's very particular about them and treats them well, as if they're people. He even talks to them as if they were. He loves cats a lot. They also like him. A lot. Though unfortunately his apartment doesn't allow pets, and he keeps plants that are toxic to them. He curbs his need for affection by going to cat-cafes. They're particularly drawn to him, even when he goes there to sit and... Cry in front of the cats. He'll never forget the names and likes/dislikes of the cats he meets, and they even regularly come out on his scheduled work route to meet him. He says that cats are the only thing that truly understand him, calming him from his constant shaking. Supposedly, they can sense it. He also works out to "take his mind off things", the reason why he's particularly buff with a mismatched personality.

His obsession with Lycoris Radiata, or red spider lilies, stems from his mother's funeral. With his persistent feeling of her watching over him "disappointed in how he's turned out", he believes its due to her soul not being able to rest. As flowers that are said to guide the dead to the afterlife, he believes cultivating them will show her the way to finally getting peaceful rest-- ignoring that that isn't the problem. He ignores it hard, to the point where his Lycoris cultivating could be seen as avoidance of treating his own issues and blaming it on something he can't control. He seems blissfully unaware that what he does doesn't make sense and just makes him relive his trauma. Either that, or he's delusional enough to truly believe it. He gets skittish when others touch or move his plants without asking and has meltdowns if it's too much, one of the few times he's angry (though his anger mostly comes out as sobbing). His Lycoris especially are a sore spot, he doesn't let anyone touch them, and rarely do they ever see them. Kouta prides himself on the fact that not a single spider lily plant has died ever since he started growing them shortly after his mother's death. He keeps them out on his balcony, obsessively caring for them and bringing them in on cold nights. Once they're fully grown, he brings them to his mother's grave and starts a new crop.

Despite how awful he feels mentally he refuses to change. That the feelings of his dead mother looming over him are the only thing that keeps her close to him, that he doesn't know how to live without that feeling. It scares him to not know who he'd be without it. He says he doesn't have a spine, but he has one of steel when it comes to what he cares about. Even when its not the right thing.

He says he's "not pleasant to be around" and doesn't aim for a relationship, but things shift when he meets his latest dominatrix, Ryuko. They meet frequently, and she learns more about him than anyone else has ever known. Kouta can say he's finally made a friend after years of being alone. She accepts him and his eccentricities, and doesn't question him too much. She's emotionally distant and cold seeming, but it can partially be blamed by keeping the persona up for her job for too long. Most of the time he'll say something weird and she won't berate him for it like others, and just stare at him. It's awkward to others, but a welcome change for Kouta. And for once, he doesn't need to pay someone to spend time with him. She likes his strangeness and boyish charm, a change of pace from the usual emotionless drones she services. Maybe Ryuko got a little too attached, though... She's fiercely protective over him, a lot more than anything she's ever felt before. Ryuko even takes him on his first date, to help him gain confidence for later dates. Who it's with, neither of them know. But a romance might be blooming between them the more time they spend together at cat-cafes and at Kouta's apartment.