taiki

CAN'T BE CONTAINED

Content Warnings

• Emotional abuse (from parents)
• Gender dysphoria

Backstory

To be honest, he doesn't remember that much of his childhood.

Growing up, it'd always been him and his mom—and his dad, in the morning, but even if his memories from back then are all fuzzy now he'd only been vaguely there when he wasn't at work. She'd been the one to do everything around the house, and she made that real clear whenever she asked him to help out, since he was going to be doing the same when he was way, way older, or... something like that. And at the time, anyway, he'd always just… smile and nod, 'cause he'd wanted to help her out when she was always doing what was best for him.

...Well, maybe not just literally, but hindsight is 20/20.

As for elementary school, he didn't have… too many friends there? Mom never liked their neighbours or their kids, so he didn't too, and he's not really... in contact with anyone he was friends with, anymore, aside from one person. He'd met him when he found him passed out under a tree one day during break, and… he didn't really know what else to do, and figured calling a teacher for help was probably gonna get everyone else's attention and make things super embarrassing, so he somehow hoisted the kid onto his shoulders and trudged to the infirmary himself.

That was probably when he found out people could be scared of more than just heights.

By then, he had a reputation of being the first in his class, and that was probably the only thing Fubuki knew about him - more than he could say about him, anyway, but… he seemed kinda sad when they talked the next day after he checked on him to make sure he was doing okay, and the day after, and the day after… and before he knew it, he had someone to talk to while having lunch every day.

Over the course of the next few years, they'd gotten to know each other better, finding that they had more in common than they expected - his mom's kinda strict, too? - and what kinds of things they liked, like Fubuki's affinity for music. And, at some point, he found himself joining their school's marching band - sure, Fubuki and his older sister weren't the same kinds of musicians, but he found himself really wanting to play drums, for some reason, so he became a snare drummer, which… was fun, looking back on it. Spending his time after school practicing with everyone else was fun, and it sucks that he can't remember more of it without thinking about how that all came to an end in his last year of elementary school.

(His grades barely dropped, he was still the third highest score in his class, but apparently he was going to fail middle school entrance exams if he didn't start taking his studies seriously.)

(At least, when he'd never spoken a word to anyone there again, it wasn't because mom had gone the extra mile when she said they were a bad influence—even if it was out of his control, he just found it hard to face them after quitting so suddenly.) 

(...Was it just after-school activities that were up to him, though?)

And, now that he was faced with the realization of "wow, i literally have no say in how my life's gonna go in the long run, this sucks and i hate it", he'd started to take a stand against that. Sure, he'd started out small, like staying out at night a little later than usual 'cause he was with Fubuki when neither of them wanted to feel bad about themselves for the rest of the night, or cutting his hair with craft scissors because everything his mom was okay with when he wanted to get a haircut felt too girly, but… it was worth it, for all the times he'd deal with the consequences of being rebellious, because even then he'd start talking back about how nobody would care about him still dying his hair red 20 years from now if he was gonna be at home all the time and how a nickname like that isn’t that far off from his name and how he was gonna need to know how to talk to other people by actually having a life outside of studying in his mom's room if she wanted him to become anything other than a shut-in.

And he tried again. 

This time, he joined the theater club, because it seemed like something that'd be right up his alley with how often he wanted to just become someone else entirely at this point. Even if he was never lead role material, even if he had to skip out on some of their bonding activities, and even if he never said much about his personal life, it was still a great change of pace! Playing more masculine roles when he could made him happy, too, even if he'd never really thought about it as being more than just rejecting the idea of being a [homemaker], and performing on stage and— 

...seeing his mom in the audience…

(At least this time, it was gradual.)

He'd start fumbling with his lines more, standing stiffer and stiffer, and never saying anything more than a "yeah, I'm good" when his clubmates picked up on that. After all, they were probably disappointed too, right? Just like his mom, who only ever pointed out the mistakes he made even when their president always said they were all improving and how that made her look as his mom and that if he ever wanted to pursue a career in theater the way he was now he'd never get anywhere so he's just wasting his time with this—he hated it, he hated it, he hated all of it, even if he didn't even think about the idea of becoming an actor until she brought it up like that, and with even practice being too grounded in harsh reality now he'd called it quits again after the next performance they had.

(...Maybe there was no point in fighting it, if every time he found something he actually liked she'd find a way to tear it from him.)

And thus, feeling like he'd waste too much money otherwise, he let his mom enroll him into cram school—something to make up for lost time, and a sort of retaliation when his grades only dropped further in his ongoing numbness. Sure, it was a little more entertaining, but between him and the only friend he still had being torn down to the point of giving up on life entirely by thirteen he'd just tune out the whole time. 

So it was a pleasant surprise when a girl he'd actually never seen in class stopped him right in his tracks one evening, yelling something about how she liked his hair 'cause some of it was red (he hadn’t cut his hair since) and that was her favorite color.

As it turns out, she was a year below him, lived in a small town somewhere else in Shizuoka, and was very insistent on becoming his friend—when he'd asked, she said something about how he looked kind of lonely and sad and she wanted to help. Of course, he'd figured from the start that she'd never be able to, but even on the days where he didn't have it in him to share anything she always told him a little about how her day went, or her friends (Shou kinda sounded like Fubuki, honestly), or her girlfriend (at this point, he knew he liked girls, but that was something he only trusted his two friends with), or her pin collection… 

(Hey, wait a second—)

It was then that he started to wonder if there was more than just shame when it came to him having a hard time looking at himself in the mirror. If there was more than just teenage rebellion when it came to him wanting to be more like a boy.

(...Wanting to be a boy?)

(Being a boy, as Hotaru worded it when he asked for her advice?)

(...That sounded about right, actually.)

Even with how shitty everything else was, the cloud hovering above him had started to lift—between Hotaru subtly passing him a badge on the train if he ever needed it, sitting on the floor in Fubuki's room and finding a better name off some baby naming site, and his mom actually actively embracing him as her son, why give up on everything and everyone when he was finally starting to live as himself?

(Besides, his two friends would be sad, and Fubuki really needed someone he could lean on right now that wasn't family.)

Taiki's mom's expectations of him… did start to change, though, for all the euphoria being treated as a boy brought him. Even when they'd had the very uncomfortable argument about dad practically working himself to death and practically having no role in the family besides making money, that was spun into something about how she used to be a doctor - up until she gave that up to put all her effort into raising him, of course - and she still somehow made time for herself.

In other words, he was now supposed to become someone who actually could live out her dreams of becoming a doctor for her. (He always found that to be bold, y'know? Coming from someone who can't even tell what the issue is when her son stops telling her anything about his personal life and is clearly hiding things from her for some reason that's clearly just him being irresponsible because how could he? She wants him to have a promising future, and always has, right? Even though mother knowing best has turned him into a paranoid, hopeless wreck—)

At least he managed to graduate from middle school a year later.

(You could say that’s where his life actually begun.)

Within the first week, he already had people to talk to that weren’t Fubuki—sure, they were all through him, but it was… better than nothing. He also got a part-time job at a nearby flower shop; his mom agreed when he said he needed to be more independent, and considering he didn’t spend too much on himself anyway he’d have something on hand in case… worst came to worst.

...Realizing he’d taken an interest in flowers and whatnot even outside of his job was a little scary, though, and so was hearing Kotori talk about wanting to start a band and feeling like he actually wanted to do something to help her out.

(And not just because he kind of sort of had a little crush on her. Where’d it even come from? That practically never happened, but something about the way she talked to him and about her family and her desires made her feel comforting to be around almost too quickly—)

Nonetheless, Fubuki caught on to the twinkle in Taiki’s eye whenever she brought it up, and thus began sort of a difficult conversation.

(Since his mom was only planning on enrolling him into cram school again in twelfth grade in anticipation of entrance exams, he had time, right?)

But that’s if he does well in school otherwise—she’d probably find a way to get him to quit before then, anyway.

(...It’s okay to be scared of that, honestly.)

(But, if it helps at all, Fubuki could join with him—to sort of protect his place there?)

When he’s in the same boat? Besides, she’s been sick of him being around her son for years at this point.

(Not like either of his parents like her enough to make him stop hanging out with him.)

…

For a moment, he’d forgotten they’d started to get their act together.

Feeling more relieved about it, they approached Kotori the next day. Of course, given that they had enough members to start a club, and Mrs. Nishiguchi didn’t mind becoming their advisor even if she didn’t have to do much (besides, for different reasons, they were already growing on her as students), they re-established the Light Music Club at their school right as it was conveniently on the brink of being dissolved entirely. Kotori was their guitarist and lead vocalist, Taiki was their drummer and Fubuki… decided he’d rather pick up the bass.

(Taiki had to find an excuse for staying out for a few more hours each night—he blamed it on work, which at times wasn’t entirely wrong.)

So, borrowing instruments from the music room (with permission), they got to work! Settling on a bougie band name, they started out small, with school performances! Although they were going to fall back on covering other songs - thankfully, the most they had to do in regards to sheet music was relearn it - Kotori had sheepishly shown them some poems she'd written up but never used and Fubuki thought a little too hard about the melody that could work with for him not to help put it together—and they finally put together their first concert, managing - for all their casualness and inexperience and collective stage fright - to blow even themselves away.

He'd almost forgotten what that feeling was like, and - when word got around, and he came home one day to his mother's stern face - he was determined not to let go of it again.

(Though he tried to take accusations of never learning and being better off in law school if he was going to debate everything she said as compliments, he'd just… stopped thinking entirely, when she'd mentioned that just because he was in high school and could play the drums didn't mean he could become like one of those Ultimate kids and get a free pass to do whatever he wanted—)

He'd show her, then! Maybe if he did get a talent like that she'd just leave him alone already!

(...So be it, as long as he remembers those words when he's in his senior year and still spinning his wheels.)

(And, left to his own thoughts later that night, he realized just what he'd gotten himself into.)

Or, more accurately, what he'd gotten all three of them into, as he remembered when he saw them the next day—but as far as they were concerned, between Kotori offering him the gentlest hug and Fubuki joining them with a grumbled "you'd think she'd see the light of day by now with how far her head's up her ass", they were willing to put their all into the band.

(Besides, as Fubuki admitted to him not too long after, the fact that it wasn't just to please him meant it wasn't as scary as Taiki would think.)

By then, they were officially funded by the school, so they got to work—making more songs together, showing up to Andromeda so much that it actually helped them land some early Eventually, the topic of actually finding a keyboardist and having their own outfits to stand out came up, to which Fubuki added that he miiiight just know the person for at least one of those.

(“Tai-chan would know, but there’s this cousin I have who’s, like, a year younger than me…”)

Nanako made… an awfully strong impression, scribbling down idea after idea on a notepad while the three of them brainstormed about the kind of look they were going for - (“WAIT! You don’t wear your socks properly! I can work with that!” “And THESE are for if you three are REALLY tired of being nice!”) - while her older brother popped his head in to add that she’d been taking piano lessons for a year now.

...Not operating under the school was too risky, but they kept that spot open for her in the meantime as they made their name known by performing at competitions and whatever music shows let them (though, as time passed, it felt more like they were being asked to first)! Times did get tough, though, with his mom practically watching like a hawk for when she finally had an excuse to step in, meaning that between three major commitments and only so many hours in the day he’d have to catch up on sleep.

It didn’t start out for his own sake, but at some point talking to Ruku just because Fubuki and Shikyo were being stupid about their feelings and they were both tired of them turned into them actually becoming friends even with Taiki bristling like a cat at the slightest hint of affection, which then turned into Taiki taking a page out of Fubuki’s book and offering Ruku some kind of support with whatever being raised into the fucking mafia brings—and, honestly, he’d found himself that talking to someone outside the loop was surprisingly refreshing. (Not that Ruku ever did, understandably, but they just napped the afternoon away and made a habit out of going on “dates” instead.)

(...Which are surprisingly harder to go on with a straight face after you’ve seen your friend shirtless.)

(Given that he also happened to be the only bi person he thought to talk to about questioning his sexuality, the irony isn’t lost on him.)

While Taiki had hoped he wasn't as stupid with love as Fubuki was - even though Fubuki actually had the slightest bit more relationship experience than him, comphet aside - he'd soon found out that he, too, was not immune to dancing around his feelings even if due to having no idea on how to confront them and to the eventual kiss before actually dating.

They were smart enough to talk it out after the first time, though. (And, given that Taiki wasn't like Fubuki, who could get himself not to think too hard about the implications and the risks of dating a mafia heir, and Ruku himself didn't want him to get hurt as a result, they… agreed not to let it go any further than they were right now.)

...To reel things back in a little, before he knew it a whole year had passed.

Nanako somehow handed in her application on the very first day of school, effectively solidifying them as a four-man band, and that opened up all sorts of new avenues with them in regards to music— a whole instrument!!! Speaking of, Fubuki had also started a side hobby of composing For The Masses (of youtube), which got them both attention and some donations, adding to the budget they now used to record and upload their own songs on streaming services when they had the chance (it seemed easy enough, anyway), and… they'd grown a lot bigger compared to last year, even if Taiki wasn't expecting much out of it.

(It's not like he didn't want them to succeed together, just—considering the one thing he could think of besides just continuing as a drummer for a career would probably sound just as unacceptable and disappointing and abhorrent to his mom, it was easier to assume the worst when neither outcome was easy.)

(...His mom had already warned him about his grades - it's hard to find a balance between enough sleep not to make elementary mistakes on tests and enough awake time where he can study - but he still followed those whims.)

At least by then, he already had sort of a bond with his manager's manager, who often came all the way from Osaka to check on this store, too. 

Sophia felt like a safe person to be more open around the second he saw the flower tattoo she got because it was her wife's favourite. While it was a little hard to believe for an employer, he'd found that she cared enough about their wellbeing because, say, he had a shift when her son was checking in instead she'd let him know in advance, and one time she let him rest in the back room for the rest of his shift when he'd showed up sick and didn't want to try explaining to his mom that he wasn't lying about being let go early. So, given that she was the best resource he had, he started to come to her with questions about how being a florist would work! It was practically a breath of fresh air compared to the this-or-that rhythm his mother had long since forced him into.

Having that sort of unconditional support - from his bandmates, Mrs. Nishiguchi, his other friends, and even the closest thing he had to a parental figure - made him feel a little better about both their chances and the uncertainty that came with what'd happen after he got a title.

Even if he still wasn't a hundred percent hopeful, they'd been seeing success after success lately, right? Sure, they never really considered accepting any talent scout offers - even now, they all agreed settling on profitable probably wouldn't make them stand out as future Ultimates -  but considering how well they placed in JRS - practically one of the biggest they could go to, and a contest that wasn't even age-limited - as a band with a year or two's worth of experience? Prepping himself for a team hand-stack for the last performance of the year and hurriedly stuffing his friendship bracelet in his pocket before they went on stage, all he could think of was how brave he felt, regardless of the outcome.

...Even when he'd spent the first while after finally getting the letter both over the moon and scared out of his wits - aside from a dangerously hostile "are you happy now?" he told his mother the day of, they never even had a conversation about it - he figured—if society saw him as enough, just by him doing something he genuinely loved with his friends, then he could hold out a little hope, right?

SO PICK ME FROM THE DARK

Danganronpa K.O.: Bizarro Bravado

And that little spark of hope was what carried him through the horrors he'd soon endure.

From the moment he'd woken up in that circus, Taiki remained vigilant; he'd since become familiar with the idea of even kids his age having the potential to be hardened killers, so to die in a place like this was the last thing he'd wanted. Of course, he figured isolating himself completely was just as stupid, and as such had still talked to the people around him a decent amount, but it was a matter of allyship rather than friendship.

...At least, it started out that way.

There's some irony in feeling safe enough to close your eyes and sit in silence for the first time since you got here after having just sent someone to his death, but even with his walls staying up firmly Taiki's perspective had started to shift to one of finding safety in numbers; after all, it would be far easier to catch someone off guard and end their life if there were no witnesses, right?

Then came the third case, which had proven him both horribly right and terribly wrong.

He hadn't thought much of it, exhausted by what was already several hours of non-stop dancing, when Kana decided to take a walk only with Eisaku in tow; even when Tomie left her stall out of nowhere fully aware of dangers that he wasn't, even when he walked into the tavern next day to find a sparking tablet, an unconscious Tomie and Kana's dead body, and even when Akira - 4K1R4, rather - explained that Kana had needed medical assistance, although the pained look in her lifeless eyes told a different story that everyone but him seemed to understand.

Only after it was all said and done did the gravity of it crash down on him, something he'd confided to Haruki about - as someone who had a similarly tough time processing it, even if for other reasons - when he'd been too exhausted after all but bawling in Imako's arms to talk to him about it. Still, it was hard to actually let go of a blameless crime such as this when it had haunted his dreams and even his own surroundings on one particularly surreal evening.

Watching those around him start to crash and burn in the same way he did, he'd resolved to - if nothing else - try to preserve the memories of their peers while they were still full of life, before his memory eroded too much to remember anything but tear stains and blood. It was something he'd continued to cling to even when met with the sight of Imako's body in an all too familiar state and with Haruki's own confusion over how he had spent that night; it was unfair to both them and Haruto, and if he couldn't even prevent that either he'd at least try to end it there.

He had to go home, after all. He had to tell their loved ones what happened even if it was nothing short of absurd, after all.

(Even if it was the only reason he was still standing.)

So, to hear from a creaking hunk of metal that this hell of theirs would only end the day they died, that the only reason they were picked up off the streets and dumped into this killing game was to recruit a few more miserable clowns to a sorry excuse of a circus... he'd only found it in him to even move after hearing that even getting through this trial would lead to a fate worse than death because he wouldn't let Jim Jim chew through one of the last things he could remember Kana through.

Things snowballed from there, though, and before he knew it he'd gone from listening to Haruko's tearful but not hysterical explanation of it all to watching the very circus they were trapped in burning around them.

Not that he had the time to think, given that Meika was beckoning them to run and he had to carry Hanae when she'd been knocked out of commission by it and Arisa had to help Meika form an opening out, but-- the point is, they'd made their own way out when there wasn't one, in the end.

Eventually, he really would find his way back home - rather, where the heart is, at one Sophia Clarke's house, where he and Hanae would stay for the next while - but, before the four of them would even set out to find their own... he decided to write, first, in the wake of it all.

Relationships

AND PULL ME FROM THE GRAVE.

---

• His birthday is May 22nd.
• Dyes his hair red from dark brown.
• Owner of several succulents! They all have nicknames—Callie, Sadie and Buttons, Matcha and Jade, Mercury - Mercie for short - and… Succ. (He did not name that one.)
• He also has a tea collection, which is primarily loose-leaf because teabags are a fucking scam.
• He physically can't wink. He's very good at the Rihanna wink, though.
• multiship king; two established (but independent) ships from this verse alone!
• Check out his playlist!