THEY TELL ME IT'S MY MIND
Content Warnings
- Emotional abuse (from parents)
- Gender dysphoria
Backstory
To be honest, he doesn't remember that much of his childhood.
Growing up, it'd always been him and his momāand his dad, in the morning, but even if his memories from back then are all fuzzy now he'd only been vaguely there when he wasn't at work. She'd been the one to do everything around the house, and she made that real clear whenever she asked him to help out, since he was going to be doing the same when he was way, way older, or... something like that. And at the time, anyway, he'd always justā¦ smile and nod, 'cause he'd wanted to help her out when she was always doing what was best for him.
...Well, maybe not just literally, but hindsight is 20/20.
As for elementary school, he didn't haveā¦ too many friends there? Mom never liked their neighbours or their kids, so he didn't too, and he's not really... in contact with anyone he was friends with, anymore, aside from one person. He'd met him when he found him passed out under a tree one day during break, andā¦ he didn't really know what else to do, and figured calling a teacher for help was probably gonna get everyone else's attention and make things super embarrassing, so he somehow hoisted the kid onto his shoulders and trudged to the infirmary himself.
That was probably when he found out people could be scared of more than just heights.
By then, he had a reputation of being the first in his class, and that was probably the only thing Fubuki knew about him - more than he could say about him, anyway, butā¦ he seemed kinda sad when they talked the next day after he checked on him to make sure he was doing okay, and the day after, and the day afterā¦ and before he knew it, he had someone to talk to while having lunch every day.
Over the course of the next few years, they'd gotten to know each other better, finding that they had more in common than they expected - his mom's kinda strict, too? - and what kinds of things they liked, like Fubuki's affinity for music. And, at some point, he found himself joining their school's marching band - sure, Fubuki and his older sister weren't the same kinds of musicians, but he found himself really wanting to play drums, for some reason, so he became a snare drummer, whichā¦ was fun, looking back on it. Spending his time after school practicing with everyone else was fun, and it sucks that he can't remember more of it without thinking about how that all came to an end in his last year of elementary school.
(His grades barely dropped, he was still the third highest score in his class, but apparently he was going to fail middle school entrance exams if he didn't start taking his studies seriously.)
(At least, when he'd never spoken a word to anyone there again, it wasn't because mom had gone the extra mile when she said they were a bad influenceāeven if it was out of his control, he just found it hard to face them after quitting so suddenly.)Ā
(...Was it just after-school activities that were up to him, though?)
And, now that he was faced with the realization of "wow, i literally have no say in how my life's gonna go in the long run, this sucks and i hate it", he'd started to take a stand against that. Sure, he'd started out small, like staying out at night a little later than usual 'cause he was with Fubuki when neither of them wanted to feel bad about themselves for the rest of the night, or cutting his hair with craft scissors because everything his mom was okay with when he wanted to get a haircut felt too girly, butā¦ it was worth it, for all the times he'd deal with the consequences of being rebellious, because even then he'd start talking back about how nobody would care about him still dying his hair red 20 years from now if he was gonna be at home all the time and how a nickname like that isn'tĀ that far off from his name and how he was gonna need to know how to talk to other people by actually having a life outside of studying in his mom's room if she wanted him to become anything other than a shut-in.
And he tried again.Ā
This time, he joined the theater club, because it seemed like something that'd be right up his alley with how often he wanted to just become someone else entirely at this point. Even if he was never lead role material, even if he had to skip out on some of their bonding activities, and even if he never said much about his personal life, it was still a great change of pace! Playing more masculine roles when he could made him happy, too, even if he'd never really thought about it as being more than just rejecting the idea of being a [homemaker], and performing on stage andāĀ
...seeing his mom in the audienceā¦
(At least this time, it was gradual.)
He'd start fumbling with his lines more, standing stiffer and stiffer, and never saying anything more than a "yeah, I'm good" when his clubmates picked up on that. After all, they were probably disappointed too, right? Just like his mom, who only ever pointed out the mistakes he made even when their president always said they were all improving and how that made her look as his mom and that if he ever wanted to pursue a career in theater the way he was now he'd never get anywhere so he's just wasting his time with thisāhe hated it, he hated it, he hated all of it, even if he didn't even think about the idea of becoming an actor until she brought it up like that, and with even practice being too grounded in harsh reality now he'd called it quits again after the next performance they had.
(...Maybe there was no point in fighting it, if every time he found something he actually liked she'd find a way to tear it from him.)
And thus, feeling like he'd waste too much money otherwise, he let his mom enroll him into cram schoolāsomething to make up for lost time, and a sort of retaliation when his grades only dropped further in his ongoing numbness. Sure, it was a little more entertaining, but between him and the only friend he still had being torn down to the point of giving up on life entirely by thirteen he'd just tune out the whole time.Ā
So it was a pleasant surprise when a girl he'd actually never seen in class stopped him right in his tracks one evening, yelling something about how she liked his hair 'cause some of it was red (...when was the last time he actually cut it, anyway?) and that was her favorite color.
As it turns out, she was a year below him, lived in a small town somewhere else in Shizuoka, and was very insistent on becoming his friendāwhen he'd asked, she said something about how he looked kind of lonely and sad and she wanted to help. Of course, he'd figured from the start that she'd never be able to, but even on the days where he didn't have it in him to share anything she always told him a little about how her day went, or her friends (Shou kinda sounded like Fubuki, honestly), or her girlfriend (at this point, he knew he liked girls, but that was something he only trusted his two friends with), or her pin collectionā¦Ā
(Hey, wait a secondā)
It was then that he started to wonder if there was more than just shame when it came to him having a hard time looking at himself in the mirror. If there was more than just teenage rebellion when it came to him wanting to be more like a boy.
(...Wanting to be a boy?)
(BeingĀ a boy, as Hotaru worded it when he asked for her advice?)
(...That sounded about right, actually.)
Even with how shitty everything else was, the cloud hovering above him had started to liftābetween Hotaru subtly passing him a badge on the train if he ever needed it, sitting on the floor in Fubuki's room and finding a better name off some baby naming site, and his mom actually actively embracing him as her son, why give up on everything and everyone when he was finally starting to live as himself?
(Besides, his two friends would be sad, and Fubuki really needed someone he could lean on right now that wasn't family.)
Taiki's mom's expectations of himā¦ did start to change, though, for all the euphoria being treated as a boy brought him. Even when they'd had the very uncomfortable argument about dad practically working himself to death and practically having no role in the family besides being their source of income, that was spun into something about how she used to be a doctor - up until she gave that up to put all her effort into raising him, of course - and she still somehow made time for herself.
In other words, he was now supposed to become someone who actually could live out her dreams of becoming a doctor for her. (He always found that to be bold, y'know? Coming from someone who can't even tell what the issue is when her son stops telling her anything about his personal life and is clearly hiding things from her for some reason that's clearly just him being irresponsible because how could he? She wants him to have a promising future, and always has, right? Even though mother knowing best has turned him into a paranoid, hopeless wreckā)
At least he managed to graduate from middle school a year later.
(You could say thatās where his life actually begun.)
Within the first week, he already had people to talk to that werenāt Fubukiāsure, they were all through him, but it wasā¦ better than nothing. He also got a part-time job at a nearby flower shop; his mom agreed when he said he needed to be more independent, and considering he didnāt spend too much on himself anyway heād have something on hand in caseā¦ worst came to worst.
...Realizing heād taken an interest in flowers and whatnot even outside of his job was a little scary, though, and so was hearing Kotori talk about wanting to start a band and feeling like he actually wanted to do something to help her out.
(And not just because he kind of sort of had a little crush on her. Whereād it even come from? That practically never happened, but something about the way she talked to him and about her family and her desires made her feel comforting to be around almost too quicklyā)
Nonetheless, Fubuki caught on to the twinkle in Taikiās eye whenever she brought it up, and thus began sort of a difficult conversation.
(Since his mom was only planning on enrolling him into cram school again in twelfth grade in anticipation of entrance exams, he had time, right?)
But thatās if he does well in school otherwiseāsheād probably find a way to get him to quit before then, anyway.
(...Itās okay to be scared of that, honestly.)
(But, if it helps at all, Fubuki could join with himāto sort of protect his place there?)
When heās in the same boat? Besides, sheās been sick of him being around her son for years at this point.
(Not like either of his parents like her enough to make him stop hanging out with him.)
ā¦
For a moment, heād forgotten theyād started to get their act together.
Feeling more relieved about it, they approached Kotori the next day. Of course, given that they had enough members to start a club, and Ms. Nishiguchi didnāt mind becoming their advisor even if she didnāt have to do much (besides, for different reasons, they were already growing on her as students), they re-established the Light Music Club at their school right as it was conveniently on the brink of being dissolved entirely. Kotori was their guitarist and lead vocalist, Taiki was their drummer and Fubukiā¦ decided heād rather pick up the bass.
(Taiki had to find an excuse for staying out for a few more hours each nightāhe blamed it on work, which at times wasnāt entirely wrong.)
So, borrowing instruments from the music room (with permission), they got to work! Settling on a bougie band name, they started out small, with school performances! Although they were going to fall back on covering other songs - thankfully, the most they had to do in regards to sheet music was relearn it - Kotori had sheepishly shown them some poems she'd written up but never used and Fubuki thought a little too hard about the melody that could work with for him not to help put it togetherāand they finally put together their first concert, managing - for all their casualness and inexperience and collective stage fright - to blow even themselves away.
He'd almost forgotten what that feeling was like, and - when word got around, and he came home one day to his mother's stern face - he was determined not to let go of it again.
(Though he tried to take accusations of never learning and being better off in law school if he was going to debate everything she said as compliments, he'd justā¦ stopped thinking entirely, when she'd mentioned that just because he was in high school and could play the drums didn't mean he could become like one of those Ultimate kids and get a free pass to do whatever he wantedā)
He'd show her, then! Maybe if he did get a talent like that she'd just leave him alone already!
(...So be it, as long as he remembers those words when he's in his senior year and still spinning his wheels.)
(And, left to his own thoughts later that night, he realized just what he'd gotten himself into.)
Or, more accurately, what he'd gotten all three of them into, as he remembered when he saw them the next dayābut as far as they were concerned, between Kotori offering him the gentlest hug and Fubuki joining them with a grumbled "you'd think she'd see the light of day by now with how far her head's up her ass", they were willing to put their all into the band.
(Besides, as Fubuki admitted to him not too long after, the fact that it wasn't just to please him meant it wasn't as scary as Taiki would think.)
By then, they were officially funded by the school, so they got to workāmaking more songs together, showing up to Andromeda so much that it actually helped them land some early Eventually, the topic of actually finding a keyboardist and having their own outfits to stand out came up, to which Fubuki added that he miiiight just know the person for at least one of those.
(āTai-chan would know, but thereās this cousin I have whoās, like, a year younger than meā¦ā)
Nanako madeā¦ an awfully strong impression, scribbling down idea after idea on a notepad while the three of them brainstormed about the kind of look they were going for - (āWAIT! You donāt wear your socks properly! I can work with that!ā āAnd THESE are for if you three are REALLY tired of being nice!ā) - while her older brother popped his head in to add that sheād been taking piano lessons for a year now.
...Not operating under the school was too risky, but they kept that spot open for her in the meantime as they made their name known by performing at competitions and whatever music shows let them (though, as time passed, it felt more like they were being asked to first)! Times did get tough, though, with his mom practically watching like a hawk for when she finally had an excuse to step in, meaning that between three major commitments and only so many hours in the day heād have the occasional slip-up and fall asleep during practice breaks.
So, of course, there are times when working so hard towards that goal got stressful, and as he'd discovered when telling Hotaru about it didn't feel right, he could lean a little on his manager's manager.
Sophia felt like a safe person to be more open around the second he saw the flower tattoo she got because it was her wife's favourite. While it was a little hard to believe for an employer, he'd found that she cared enough about their wellbeing because, say, there was that time she let him rest in the back room for the rest of his shift when he'd showed up sick and didn't want to try explaining to his mom that he wasn't lying about being let go early, and there was the openness she greeted him with when he'd told her that he'd started to rethink whether he was attracted to other boys or he just wanted to be more like that. So, given that she was the best resource he had, he also started to come to her with questions about how being a florist would work! It was practically a breath of fresh air compared to the this-or-that rhythm his mother had long since forced him into.
So, still getting used to all of these changes happening in his life, he'd found that a year had already passed.
Nanako somehow handed in her application on the very first day of school, effectively solidifying them as a four-man band, and that opened up all sorts of new avenues with them in regards to musicā a whole instrument!!! Speaking of, Fubuki had also started a side hobby of composing For The Masses (of youtube), which got them both attention and some donations, adding to the budget they now used to record and upload their own songs on streaming services when they had the chance (it seemed easy enough, anyway), andā¦ they'd grown a lot bigger compared to last year, even if Taiki wasn't expecting much out of it.
(It's not like he didn't want them to succeed together, justāconsidering the one thing he could think of besides just continuing as a drummer for a career would probably sound just as unacceptable and disappointing and abhorrent to his mom, it was easier to assume the worst when neither outcome was easy.)
(...His mom had already warned him about his grades - it's hard to find a balance between enough sleep not to make elementary mistakes on tests and enough awake time where he can study - but he still followed those whims.)
Still, though, having that sort of unconditional support - from his bandmates, Ms. Nishiguchi, and even Hotaru and Mrs. Clarke - made him feel a little better about both their chances and the uncertainty that came with what'd happen after he got a title.
Even if he still wasn't a hundred percent hopeful, they'd been seeing success after success lately, right? Sure, they never really considered accepting any talent scout offers - even now, they all agreed settling on profitable probably wouldn't make them stand out as future Ultimates - but considering how well they placed in JRS - practically one of the biggest they could go to, and a contest that wasn't even age-limited - as a band with a year or two's worth of experience? Prepping himself for a team hand-stack for the last performance of the year and hurriedly stuffing his friendship bracelet in his pocket before they went on stage, all he could think of was how brave he felt, regardless of the outcome.
...Even when he'd spent the first while after finally getting the letter both over the moon and scared out of his wits - aside from a dangerously hostile "are you happy now?" he told his mother the day of, they never even had a conversation about it - he figuredāif society saw him as enough, just by him doing something he genuinely loved with his friends, then he could hold out a little hope, right?
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