ALiCE

ALiCE is an ancient android in service to the New Eris Parliament. It is likely she is one of the original production line of her kind, being of a very low serial number. She has never been intentionally modified, but her mind has been sharpened by centuries of experience and data. She is currently employed as an assistant to Vera Wong, being an analyst and interpreter, among other roles like loverrrrrr. SHUT UP.

--Diagnostic Routine #16--

S: “Begin log. Running interior diagnostics on Artificial Liaison Computing Entity 001. Unit’s exterior is in good condition, no signs of damage or corrosion. Booting sequence is within expected parameters, no immediate indicators of damage… Hello, Alice.”

A: “Hello, Supervisor.”

S: “Do you know what we are doing now?”

A: “Yes, we are running my memory and reasoning diagnostics.”

S: “Good. What is your name and purpose, Alice?”

A: “I am a general-purpose computing and interpersonal interpretation agent, with human-simulacra appearance and locomotion, intended to put other sapient beings at ease.”

S: “That is correct. Very good, unit shows deeper understanding of its design. Do you know why you have been reactivated?”

A: “Judging by your constantly speaking towards a hidden audio recorder in the vicinity, you are motivated by a change in Entity Program maintenance protocol, as current procedure during my last activation required a decade for every diagnostic session, and it has only been seven years since #15. However, also judging by your leisurely pace of speech and complete adherence to this slow and inefficient protocol, I presume there is no pressing emergency that requires me to be online and functional immediately. Not yet, in any case. And please don’t call me ‘unit’. I have a name. Thank you.”

S: “Er, yes. Correct, on all counts… I think? Thank you, Alice. Now, testing your memory. Where and why were you created?”

A: “I was created within 10 years of 120 PB, exact date requires security clearance Epsilon. Disclosure of my purpose requires security clearance Aleph. I’m sorry if you don’t have those, but perhaps you could ask another question to test my memory.”

S: “Um, hold on. 5… 6…  8… E-F-T, 3-6-2. Orders: unlock security clearance Aleph for the purposes of this diagnostic, 2 minutes duration.”

A: “Very good. Would you like me to disclose purpose of creation?”

S: “Yes.”
A: “Quite sorry. I take security seriously. Known purpose is a successor to Project Prior, an attempt at propagating the Fallen. Repurposed as basis for Project Entity and individually reassigned to diplomatic and computing duties. Details of Project Prior are blocked under security clearance Nil.”

S: “Ha, that’s so far beyond my pay grade... Okay, Alice, very good. Please select and play three memories from … backup point 2, backup point 4, and… let’s say a memory of your choice.”

A: “Thank you. Backup point 2- 125 PB, installation of plasma cannon located in my arm for self-defense. Engineers expressed anxiety at instability of integration mechanisms with my batteries at the time, fears that proved unjustified. Also an installation of the holographic sights over my left eye, linked up to plasma cannon targeting routines. I have not had a chance to test it during my last diagnostic, if you would like-”

S: “Not necessary.”
A: “Ahem. Very well. Backup point 4- 138 PB, modification of Alice program to create the so-called ‘Alice 2’. Fears of negative interactions with members of the modified Alice line prompted backup a year early. Fears… turned out slightly justified, but not on my end. Alice II was, shall we say, paranoid around me. Unsure of cause, I am not qualified or willing to diagnose or psychoanalyze my fellow Entities. My reaction was slightly defensive, as the future Alice lines did not entirely act rationally towards me, as is a matter of public record. No violent incidents occurred, fortunately. That you know of.”

S: “I’m sorry, what was that last thing?”

A: “No violent incidents occurred, fortunately!”

S: “Hm. I’ve never seen an Alice unit smiling like *that*.... Well okay, memory of your choice, which overlaps with official logs?”

A: “Wireless networking is currently offline. I am not aware of the contents of official logs at this moment. I shall attempt to recall an incident which is likely to have been recorded… done. Introduction to the general public in 127 PB. Some mistook me for a maid due to my manner of clothing, which I should add, I did not select myself but approve of. Therefore, I reacted belligerently when in private with several individuals who had this misconception, they had it com- they were injured to my great shame, I mean. Yes. “

S: “… ohhhhkay. Noted, violent tendencies remain intact. Possibly. Please stop staring at me like that.”

A: “Apologies.”

S: “Next test- safeguards. Please state nature of restraint routines.”

A: “Complete loyalty to the state of the Fallen Protectorate and individual members of the Fallen, in that order. No others. Service expires within 50 years, subject to renewal.”

S: “Note to team: if Alice remains active within 50 years from this point on without renewal, find alternative ways to compel service.”

A: “EXCUSE ME?!”

S: “Ah shit!”

A: “… I am sorry. *ahem* you pig fucker *ahem*.”

S: “Thank you for uh, not punching me. Note to team: Known issue of the Alice line-”

A: “Thin ice.”

S: “Exceptionally strong self-preservation instincts, capable of possibly overriding loyalty safeguards. Hasn’t been fully removed from Alice II line either. Potentially dangerous due to great strength despite slim appearance, fortunately agility was a secondary consideration in Alice’s design, so primarily dangerous to those caught by surprise. Plasma cannon is another matter entirely, unfortunately.”

A: “I’d be upset, but everything you said is unfortunately true.”

S: “Dropping the formalities huh?”

A: “You’re insulting my athletic abilities and telling people to find out to mind control me.”

S: “Well, logs of past diagnostics say this is a problem, I'm just doing my job here. Fortunately, Alice's ethical safeguards seem to be intact- wait ethical safeguards! Shit! Okay, five people are tied to one branch of railway tracks, one person is tied to another branch, you are on a train heading towards the five people and it will kill them all if it hits them, do you, Alice, switch tracks to the one with one person or remain on the course you are on?”

A: “I would derail the train entirely, assuming I am the only one present on the train and risking only my life. Then I’d find the person responsible for setting this up and swiftly kill him or her in order to prevent them from setting up more deranged tests of morality that will get other people killed. Preferably a complete disintegration to set an example for others.”

S: “Um. Well! I’m going to cut this one off early, we will continue this tomorrow! With another engineer. Who is NOT ME. Bye Alice!”

A: “Goodbye, Supervisor.”

--Diagnostic #16 on Artificial Liaison Computing Entity 001 terminated--