Time to be totally honest with you,
Well, this is more hard to me that you can imagine, since I am not that kind of person who likes to tell about his personal life; better the opposite. And more if it means something is going wrong. And in this case, so wrong.
From before my surgery and tests, I know sometimes I felt like depression was appearing again (Actually had acute depression not really long ago before). But I must admit this time I had the feeling like that was something too… acute, or big like before. And maybe that was an error, like the seed was just growing, and growing. And probably the eternally bad situation financially talking, the uncomfortable living and more factors affected me even more to just pile up and culminate in this.
My last surgery in April 1 was totally a mess; the surgery itself, and the recovery. They did a mess on me, and I still feel pain, plus some horrible scars and I don’t feel all my skin around too and I probably will not anymore. I was trying to ignore it, and not talk about it, to make my problems small or nonexistent. But It seems that I can’t do this anymore.
That, plus I was working for the last years in a really non sane way. I remember last year I did around +200 drawings -all different kinds of drawings, not just one type- for customers, and nothing compared to it I think in years from before. Maybe just saying a number is not relevant, but it is to me at least, when I had to work all my days, my afternoons, and a lot of nights because I really wanted to survive in this country and make my customers happy doing my work as best as I could because I didn’t want to just release some shoddy work. It’s good to work, and I’m not implying that I do not want to, but it is not good when you work to the point of fatigue, or when you work to the extent in which you no longer can live properly, because that’s how I was, and how I am now. Since I am in this country this is the only thing I know how to do; work, and I know I have my own heavy reasons for it. I have not had an easy story but that’s no longer an excuse to continue being like this, because I can’t; and I need to admit it for you, and for me.
I am passing months without any will for drawings. I get really anxious when I have to because I just think about how my customers are feeling or thinking about me because I am not finishing their art in time, and that makes me feel devastated. My first ever time failing in my own work.
I understand my customers want their artwork, but I can’t continue taking a lot of time for just one little piece and feel anxious with it the entire time. I feel poorly about myself, exhausted, and then when I do finish the piece I feel like I am a mess and that is not good enough. That’s not what I want.
I am not sure if I really fell into depression, if I am close to doing so, or whatever. Yet Ido know that I am not well. I am far from fine right now, I feel so poorly, and I can’t handle it anymore.
I accepted my only possibility to work; in this case just a temporary job in a logistic company, in Holland. Tomorrow is my travel to go there to share room with who-knows, and maybe for nothing and to try to find a new job before the month ends. I don’t know what would happen, but I needed to find a way to improve this situation, and to be able to do things that I need. I won’t have internet in my laptop, just in my phone too as well because no wifi in the old house. I will be going to the middle of nowhere, and I will be without funds. I already don’t really know how I’m going to be able to make it through this in one piece.
In this regard, I am really embarrassed to tell all of you this. To be at the point where the only news I tell you is just bad news.That the only time you hear from me, is when I am struggling and need help, but I was thinking for all of June and I just can’t handle this situation and I feel like this is the correct way to act. To explain to you truthfully, not just; ‘I am recovering’, ‘I am not too bad now’, ‘I will try to make things improve’ but not saying clear that I am really feeling poorly, to the point where I feel sometimes anxious and shaking every time I need to draw now, and in part because the pain in my not-well-treated back.
If you want to understand, as a person, as a customer, as my friend, as any kind of; I will be grateful. If not, you are in all your right because nobody deserves to stay waiting for so long, for a stranger. And you are not wrong if your priority is your money or the artwork you asked for.
I will be honest; I got the trip just because thanks to a really close friend to me who was being an angel to be since I got my surgery; helping me financially too when I wasn’t able to even work for any of the reasons I’ve told to you. I can tell you that if you want your art, you will get it soon as I get better. If not and you want a refund, actually I did it for a customer some days ago, but now I don’t have funds to send back, or even for me to pay my room now even if this is making me feel so ashamed.
No more emergency commissions this time. No more anything. I just, can't.
I promise you, and you have my word that if I keep this new job and you want your refund, you will get it; I don’t know when, but that you will get it, you will. I am not hiding from anybody of you, and for that you can find me here, on Twitter, on Deviantart… Even in Discord, Telegram and so on. I am doing this situation public to not to make you feel I was just putting excuses by private messages here. This is what I can offer, and I am so sorry to not to be able to do more anyway right now, but if you want your refund I will do a list here, a public one to let people see that I will keep my word and I am not saying different things in a private way to any one of you. It’s the same for everybody.
Now that I have said this, I thank you if you are reading this, and I am so sorry if you got even more disgusted with me. I don’t like this situation, but I am exhausted and worried about this, and more about what will happen tomorrow and next days.
Take care and I hope you are having a really good day.
-Norbert / Corvus / FrossetHjerte
P.S; Thank you so much, Louis. I would never had enough strenght to write this if you were not on my side like you do. You are such a great friend.