LF: Constructive criticism on character bios!

Posted 3 years, 2 months ago (Edited 3 years, 2 months ago) by KingDrago

As of creating this only a few of my characters have bios written out for them These would be: https://toyhou.se/8810585.coffee-roo

https://toyhou.se/8984682.mason

https://toyhou.se/6970472.zackery

https://toyhou.se/8984596.duncan

https://toyhou.se/9016239.james

 https://toyhou.se/8984627.gylden

 https://toyhou.se/9251195.ollie-ocicat

I will likely be revising these many times whenever I feel they may need a revamp But right now I am seeking any writing tips! I want to hear your opinions! Headcanons, ideas for trivia, spelling, syntax, or grammar issues, whatever! I want to hear it all (I am very open haha) Thank you in advance to anyone who contributes! :D

wayyward

Hi there! I absolutely LOVE your bios! Your characters' personalities shine through in each one, and I can see that you put a lot of time and thought into them. I think my favorite thing about your writing is that you do a lot of showing, rather than telling. You add a lot of specific details, which give your characters lots of personality!

I noticed that your prose can meander a little at times. It might just be the fact that it's almost 3 AM here, and I'm running on a can of Bang, but I had to read some things twice. I actually struggle with this in my own writing. I think some of your sentences could be split in half, and some filler words could be cut out entirely to make your writing clearer. I also noticed that some of your phrasing is wordy, and certain phrases can be substituted for single words. For example, I took Mason's bio and sort-of edited it to show you what I personally would do. I hope you don't mind! You don't have to follow any of these suggestions, but in my opinion, this could help! :)

Overall, I really love your work! Looks-wise, your bios are clean and pleasing to the eye. Your characters are realistically flawed and have multi-faceted personalities. I hope my suggestions help!

Mason has a lot of energy and a dangerous taste for adventure! (This first sentence is a little clunky, and I think it could be made a bit more interesting by saying something like, "Mason is a whirlwind of energy with a dangerous taste for adventure!") His greatest passions include rock climbing, off-roading, and trying out any new and exicting (Typo. "exciting." Toyhouse doesn't seem to have spell check, so this happens to me a lot too.activities. Not being one to think before he acts, (Wordy. Maybe try saying something like, "Impulsive and reckless, Mason...") Mason gets himself into a lot of ("many") precarious situations from making new enemies to getting his foot stuck in-between some boulders. He loves meeting new people, although he gives off a very strong first impression that can sometimes draw people away from him (This sounds a little clunky in my opinion. Maybe try, "scare people away."). He remains unaffected by insults and can always rely on the support he garners from his handful of close friends and family ("his small circle of trusted friends and family members." In my opinion, "close family" sounds a little weird, and this sentence is slightly clunky.). Mason struggled a lot with focusing in school but still made an effort to try his best. His efforts payed off thoughand he was able to graduate with decent grades. Mason may have a lot of people against him, but he always keeps his head up and his confidence sky-high!

KingDrago

Gavroche

Thank you for the suggestions! I have a very wordy manner of speaking so I suppose it's only natural for it to shine through in my writing haha! I also think the fact that I write most of these while I am eating breakfast in the morning probably contributes to a lot of the grammical and syntax errors haha! When I do my first round of revisions, I will keep your suggestions in mind! :D

wayyward

Awesome! And that's definitely understandable haha! I'm glad I could be of some help!!