i think it's very well written and nicely paced although a lot of your sentence length is quite repetitive- try switching up the word count a bit? and some of the descriptions tend to fall into the 2009 superwholock kind of category-- ie emerald eyes. overall its a really cute story and i enjoyed it a lot- and the fact that its from dumbledores pov is really unique and makes it an interesting story !! awesome job!
I wrote a short one-shot yesterday and while I like the concept, I don't write very often and I feel it could be improved A LOT. Everything just seems super awkward. Not to mention, this is 2000ish words and that's the longest thing I've ever written, my five-chapter historical fiction assignment for ELA included. Also I typed it up at midnight when I really should have been sleeping. The problem is, now that it's in type, the words are all kind of a big cloud and I can't concentrate on them anymore, if that makes any sense.
Honestly the FFN forums would probably be better but I am super intimidated by them. SO... here I go, to the Off-Topic section on Toyhouse.
This fic is for Harry Potter, so if you're unfamiliar with the series, proceed with caution. Link below.
I'm fully aware I likely won't get any responses, I know people are hesitant to share their thoughts. Please be assured nothing will offend me (unless you insult my shipping) jk
Alright so I don’t consider myself to be professional at writing or anything but I have an unhealthy amount of google docs full of writing so here we go
I’m writing this as I go it might be subject to change
I apologize this is probably going to be very long
So I’ve noticed you’re kind of heavy handed? Like for example
I just wrote an entire paragraph of an example but it turned out to be wrong SMH I HATE MYSELF
Ok long story short try not to outright state things? Like how Dumbledore goes out and says, “Yes, I am visiting your dream.” We already know that, and while I understand you put that there because Dumbledore was trying to tell Albus that he wasn’t hallucinating, try to
Uh
State it in a different way?
I apologize if that didn’t make any sense I’m really bad at explaining things
Ok second thing I noticed. Albums’ s letter. It reads more like something you would say out loud rather than write on paper. Read it out loud, maybe it’ll make sense then.
Remember that when you write a letter, you could have countless tries- you don’t have to outright write it and send it. If the coming out letter is so important to him, it would make sense for him to be ripping up countless drafts and finally settling on one. Also maybe make it a bit longer, it’s a bit too short for a letter. Maybe call it a note instead if you don’t want to make it longer.
Also general rule of thumb check your grammar. I noticed a few minor mistakes. Also you switch from past to present tense in a few cases. Try to stick to one tense.
I am extremely guilty of this haha-
Ok moving on
A lot of people I know really dislike it when you write *time skip* or *three years later*, or in your case, *two weeks later*
What I do is adding a divider instead, like so
——
And then I start the next section. Your readers will know there has been a time skip, since getting a letter back takes a bit.
I noticed you kind of struggle with the ending? Everything wraps up a bit too neatly. The last sentence is good, but the way everyone ends up together and happy seems a bit cliche. Maybe say that his parents were a little confused or something, but they were cool with it.
Ok now that that’s over onto the compliments.
YOU
HAVE REALLY GOOD DESCRIPTIONS. I SUCK AT THEM AND I NEED TO PRACTICE BUT I DON’T BECAUSE I’M LAZY. DUMBLEDORE IS VERY IN CHARACTER AND WHILE I HAVE ONLY READ THE ORIGINAL HARRY POTTER SERIES [BOOKS 1-7] I CAN ASSUME EVERYONE ELSE IS AS WELL.
Sorry caps lock
Ok I gtg I apologize for like the third time because you have to read all of this I hope it was at least a bit helpful.
If I didn’t mention I had an issue with something, assume it was good.