Care for critiquing my story?

Posted 3 years, 2 months ago (Edited 3 years, 1 month ago) by Cosmic_Nebula

Should I post the first chapter directly here?

6 Votes Yes
1 Votes No
1 Votes I hate reading
3 Votes whichever is fine

soooo, i forgot that i am an author at heart and started writing as a hobby before i got into art.

to honor this staple of my life i decided to start a completely new story and characters.

the genre is science fiction, adventure, and some mystery

it's about a group of superteens 

if you would like to read my first chapter, post here an I will pm you the section. its quite lengthy so i don't think ill post it here...

unless i should? - yes got most votes :o

on the actual document i color coded it for every character, but it might look a bit confusing here so this is a quick reading guide:

anything underlined like this are the character's thoughts. it jumps back and forth but you should be able to discern who's thinking by the context. sorry if it gets confusing :/

anything not underlined is dialogue or events happening 

Chapter 1:

Animalia Intro

Most people need change. It could be big or small, depending on the person. In fact, not needing change is, almost fake. Just about every living thing can’t function on the same routine from their beginning to their end. 


Sometimes you can feel like you don’t need it. Like you’ll be fine living the way you are forever. 

But chances are, you need it the most.


I learned that the hard way. But I wasn’t alone. And it only takes a bit of that change to heal.



Chapter 1

The Freak, The Flare, And The Friday


Neura/Nora

1 year earlier

Another pleasant day in my biome. Well, maybe just within it. Truth is, I have no idea what the world is like outside these walls. Or rather, outside the walls that are outside of my walls. It’s complicated. You see, I live in a large dome suspended in an even larger laboratory that’s inside of a secluded facility on a planet I know nothing about, aside from my educational studies. Like I said, complicated.


Someone asked what its like to live isolated in this place. I say its perfect and non-worrisome. They say its like a tranquilized animal in a secured cage. Then I say if im an animal, i’ve grown up in captivity which is why I’m perfectly fine with it. Then they just back off, muttering something about being brainwashed. I just smile and say they’re the ones brainwashed.


That someone is actually my neighbor. After about 12 years of being alone here, I was quite surprised to see a new biome rise from the dark depths below mine just about six months ago. He’s- even more complicated to deal with than the layout of our quarters (and that’s saying something).


He’s got somewhat of a temperamental issue, and although I offered my help in therapy, after a couple sessions he became too threatening. I almost feel kind of empathetic for the walls of his biome of which he routinely attacks for hours on end. He’s at it again now, in fact. 


 He calls me a freak and told me not to dare mess with his brain. Which is fine by me, if you ask. His mind is over cluttered with frustration and anger, which in turn clouds his judgement. There’s nothing I hate more than to sort out people’s feelings and emotions. I just deal with their cognitive abilities. To which my fiery friend has little to none.


You might be wondering what kind of, “help”, I offer. From what my guardian tells me, I’m just a normal girl with special talents no one else has on the entire planet. Which is why they keep me here so nobody will know. That way, there will be no jealousy and I won’t get hurt. I’d like for it to stay that way. 


Felix/Flare

Sweat threatens to drip down my forehead before evaporating immediately as I relentlessly punch the fragile-looking walls of the stupid case the Coats put me in. After a while of doing that, I get tired and just let my palms blast the wall with molting lava. Much smoke arises, and I cough a bit before eagerly inspect my hours of work, only to realize……


The innocent-looking “glass” remains unbroken, almost as if nothing has been hitting it for the past who cares how long. I stare at it, and my nostrils flare up in anger, feeling as if the stupid wall was smirking at me, telling me I’m not strong enough to completely pulverize it with my own smoking glare.


And I can’t, which makes me ball up my fists and yell, before I explode into a flame and then plop down on my volcanic bed in despair. 


“GRRRRARAAAAAHAHHHH!!”


One of the working scientists merely glances up from his station behind an observation room overlooking the biome sector before sighing and refocusing. 


“He’s at it again, isn’t he?”

Marla sighs.


The scientists shrugs.

“Its only been six months. He’ll give up the routine eventually.”


Marla rubs her watch, a sign that she is concerned.

“I thought he would’ve cooled off by the first week.”


The guy lifts his eyebrow.

“You know you’re not dealing with average teens, so why expect the normal?”


Marla nods.

“True. We’ll have to wait. Now that he’s tired himself out, i think he’ll appreciate a nice Friday lunch.”

I won’t give up. I don’t care if I have to be stuck here until I die. I will do all I can to get out of this flame forsaken facility and get back to my normal life. Back to my friends. Our biker gang. Taking care of myself. That’s my normal life. Not being confined in a prison for superkids that are treated like guinea pigs.

I humph as my flameball subsides. My stomach then lets me know with a frustrating growl that it’s ready for fuel. I don’t know what time it is, but if I don’t get food soon-


“Opening hatch in Volcano Falls,” calls out a gruff security guard in a droned voice, as he cranks down a lever.


A cleared section of the dome reveals a hidden door, which unlocks and opens, allowing its contents access to the narrow passage to the facility. 


“Speaking of the devil,” the frustrated teen mumbles. He strolls over to the hatch where it instructs for him to insert his wrists in a designated location. Sighing, he allows the system to snap on large and heavy, flame-resistant cuffs on to the wrists before he exits. Once the routine procedure is over, he shuffles out with a glare.


Today is one of my favorite days. I think they call it a Friday? The coming of this day means a smooth 3-day break from the rigorous 4 days of work. And by work I mean exercises and therapeutic sessions tailored to our special needs. I get lots of material to study, learning about the human ways on this planet called Earth. It’s fairly simple, and according to Marla, I have mastered topics in a matter of days that professionals study for most of their lives, which are approximately 60-80 years. That doesn’t seem so long to me, considering there are animals and plants that live longer. My intelligence alone would be enough to rouse suspicion among regular education centers for human kids. Hence, another reason why its better to stay in my little hole.

I overhear the muffled voice of the Hatcher before he opens my biome. He’s really nice. He says his only job is to sit there and make sure no one comes in the Biome Landing to harm us. I walk past the door out of my comfort zone to get some great lunch with Marla, strolling past the Hatcher with a smile.


“Enjoy your chow, Nora,” the guard says.


“Thanks, Mr. Hatcher!”


He chuckles as the motivated girl leaves the Biome Bay.


His name is actually Carlo. Carlo Casas. He’s 50 Earth years old and has been working here for the past 12 years. So that would mean that he was recruited when I came. Which is interesting. I never asked, but a few mind readings and cross checking with other info speaks loudly. I just call him Hatcher because he mans the dome hatches. I’m not sure how he would feel if I started to call him by Carlo. Plus, I stopped poking around unknowing people’s minds, to be polite. Although I find it very enjoyable, like treasure hunting.


My thoughts are interrupted by the tantalizing smell of food. 


“Hello, Nora dear.”


The 30 year old woman smiles warmly as the 15 year old girl slips into her favorite lunch seat. 


“Hi, Marly. What are we having for lunch?”


Nora gingerly brushes her fingers on the tabletop, summoning a floating holographic screen to present the daily menu.

“Chicken Alfredo, Lasagna, or ooh! Ramen?”


Marla laughs.

“You just choose to your liking, honey. I’ll be back. I have to coax your angsty neighbor so he can consume the food he thinks is poisoned.”

She rolls her eyes and then giggles along with Nora.


“Let me know if you require some assistance,” Nora calls out to the exiting Marla, and winks.


Oh, good. The fake psychologist lady is here. Why can’t I just eat my lunch in peace?

I refuse to look at her. I just take my seat at the bare table, waiting.


She looks hesitant to take a seat across the table, as if I can still shoot lava from my face even with the cuffs on or something. I honestly feel like I would if i didn’t have them on.


“So, tough workout this morning?”

Marla rocked back and forth, trying to break some of the ice in their relationship.


For a kid with literal firepower, he sure has some icy social skills.


I snort. I wouldn’t have to strain myself with a “morning workout” if I wasn’t sealed in a display case. 


Marla sighed, and looked down at the heavy, restricting cuffs on his wrists.

“You know, we can both give each other a chance. I can’t stress enough that we’re here to help-”

“By helping you mean locking me up as a dangerous threat? Do you even believe yourself?” 

He interrupted, then shut his mouth again. His smooth locks of hair lit up in a dim flame.

Marla just looked at him with a sad smile.

“Your biome? I thought we designed it to your liking…. Although it may not feel like home, it shouldn’t feel like a prison either. And the cuffs? You proved to be somewhat of a serious threat, kid. If you just calm the fire, cuffs are off. We’re not ridding you of your powers. That’s not our thing. Merely neutralizing it.”

There we go. The same excuse I get every time I question my limits. I wish I can just eat right now. I don’t need this pep talk, not ever, but especially not now.

“Take Nora, for example….”

Oh, perfect. Now I need to hear the pest of a doctor drone on about the perfection of the Freak. She’s so this and so that. You need to be like her. Blah Blah Blah. Absolute garbage.


“She has all the freedoms we can offer here. And she’s content. She doesn’t need to furiously pound at her containment because she has everything she needs.”

The fiery teen finally glances up at her.

“I know I usually say i hate her, which is true, but if there’s anything else, I feel kinda bad for the girl.”


Marla raises her eyebrows.

He continues.

“I mean, how long are you twisted people gonna let her think- no, believe- that she belongs here? Does she even know she’s an alien? Has she ever even been outside in the real world? Because if she hasn’t, that kinda sucks. You’re taking away a lot of things from her, you know.”


“How do you know she’s not human?” Marla inquires, but as soon as she’s said it, she knows the answer. Everyone knows.


He holds up his hand and ticks off his fingers.

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe, pink skin, purple-blue hair, bright neon violet eyes? Not to mention her freaking mind reading, but I won’t count that since I have my own specialty,” he answers, pointing to his fiery hair.


Marla looks at her hands for a moment.

“You’re right.”

He stops mid-glare and dares to express slight shock.

“Tell you what. I’ll tell you everything you need- no, want- to know, tomorrow. Right after the newcomer settles down. For now, just eat lunch. Its Friday and you know what that means.” Marla gives a weak grin before slipping out of the room.

“Yeah,” he mumbles back. “Free Lunch Friday.”

“Oh, and Felix, watch the workout. Keep up the strain and we’ll have to triple your portions. You’re burning too much in very little time.”

He smirks. “That’s kinda my thing.”

I reach the table to browse the menu before I stop. Wait, newcomer?

-------------------------------------------------------

I finish slurping up the last noodle in my bowl and properly wipe the remains of the soup from my face.


I smile at Marla, who is chuckling.


“Hey, its the glorious day of Friday, Marly. Let me be just a bit sloppy.”


Marla smiles.

“Of course. After all the studying you do, you deserve nothing less. Speaking of which, I got you the textbook you requested of the ancient Earth civilizations and the encyclopedia of plantlife. I threw in an extra book that’ll help you get to know our newcomer.”


My head snapped up when she said newcomer. I scan the theme of the extra book.

Complete Guide to Marine Life and Biology.

I grin.


“So, maybe we’ll get a fire extinguisher for Mr. Explosive?”


Marla chuckles and rubs her forehead.

“I think we’ll need more than an extinguisher for that kid. Anyway, I’ve got to go finish inspecting the biome before introducing our aquatic friend to her new environment. Read up if you want, or just relax. I’ll see you in the evening for our nightly stroll.”


I nod and gather the literature in my thin arms before exiting the lunchroom. I race back to the Landing, eager to dive into the depths of the marine world before tomorrow. Unfortunately I forget to look up during my excursion and knock into the fire guy.


I catch myself at the expense of my Ancient Civilizations book as it tumbles to the ground. I nervously glance at the back of his head, which is already slowly igniting as he turns around.


“If it isn’t the Freak. What the heck do you want?”

He glares at her.


Nora looks down.

“My apologies, Felix. I’m kind of in a rush, you see. Lots of new material to study.”


He looks down at the book on the ground.

I know I should pick it up for her. But I don’t care. Plus, unless she wants charred ashes for her late night reading, she’ll get it. 

I almost forgot. She’s a Freak and a nerd.


“Oh, don’t worry. I’ll get it,” she says, glancing at his outstretched hand.

Nora hurriedly snatches the textbook up before it becomes history, just like its contents.

“Sorry again. See you tomorrow for the incoming neighbor.”

She scurries out to her passageway.


He calls out after her.

“It’s Flare, you Freak. Don’t call me Felix.”




ersatzmedic

You can always hide it inside of a spoiler if you think it's too long :o

Cosmic_Nebula

GhostedLeo and fourleafring

thanks guys! i just put it in a spoiler, if you still would rather me to pm it instead just lmk    

also when ur done, feel free to rate it!

1-5

 1 being the absolute worst piece of literature and 5 being omg I want to keep reading!

ersatzmedic

I'd give it a solid 4.5/5! I liked it, but the shifts in perspective from character to character were a little confusing at times and had me rereading a few things. The new characters being introduced kind of came along quick, but I think that's just a me problem haha.

You had me fooled with Nora- from her introduction, I had assumed she was just a normal human with some mystery power, maybe. And bam! She was totally not human. That was an interesting surprise.

One other thing is that I don't think you need to underline characters' thoughts to convey the fact that they are thoughts, but if you'd prefer to do so, then please disregard me!

I'd be interested in reading more chapters as you finish them :o

Cosmic_Nebula

fourleafring

tysm for the feedback! 

the thing with the character's perspective is that I'm trying to make it in a way that during the same conversation you can still hear their thoights

so i can see why it is confusing :/

and the character introduction is kinda sped up i guess, since chapter 2 is starting immediately with new girl as well. but this is because i want to focus on the conflict and story of why they are there. so I'm trying to shove i all the characters A.S.A.P so i don't have to unnecessarily prolong the text.... and i have a quite expansive character roster

oh and I'll get rid of the underline then. as i mentioned, i only underlined it here because i the actual document those are different colors.

again, thanks for the comments!

Cosmic_Nebula

GhostedLeo

tysm for making the time to reply! yes i see that the perspective shifts are an official problem, i'll have to fix that. with the introductions i'll slow it a bit as well, although it'll be a bit harder to adapt but will definitely will have on my bucket list. this is what i made the thread for :o

thx again! 

Cosmic_Nebula

baylin 

omg thank you so much for this very detailed criticism! its much of what I needed to hear

I even found myself laughing at some parts because I just realized some things could REALLY use a different format. 

I've been writing stories since I was 6 or 7, the first ever being a mini book-series with chapters. it starred me as the main character traveling places or having strange adventures.

I'm 15 now, but my style hasn't really changed that much now that you point some things out, aside from years of english class where you learn proper grammar lol.

I do see that the character shifts are a common problem, although I was surprised to learn that you didn't struggle as much as others have. I think I'll have to change it for the benefit of people who just want a less confusing read (the plot itself might be confusing, so I wouldn't want to make things even more complicated if it doesn't have to)

I have read stories where the character shifts are similar to this (i have more or less an advanced reading level as well so confusing chapter books are my cup of tea and I like having to figure things out, but this is my personal opinion :o)

overall, I truly benefited from your review and I will make it a point to fix this first chapter before continuing the second (or third, since i'm splitting this one)

I'm really glad I got you to crave more reading time with the characters, it fuels my desire to expand on them as much as possible :) 

also, I understand that the setting description is very vague, so I'll be throwing in some interesting tidbits (also there's artwork coming soon hopefully although I'm not the best artist but at least it'll help visualize)

GhostedLeo fourleafring 

quick question, would assigning a different character perspective by chapter instead of together in one be less confusing, in your opinion?  or should I keep everyone's thoughts alternating as it is but perhaps separated in sections?

for example:

Chapter 1- character 1

chapter 2- character 2

etc

or 

chapter 1

Character 1 thinks:

----------------------

character 2 thinks:

etc?

hopefully that question wasn't too confusing :o

Cosmic_Nebula

GhostedLeo fourleafring baylin

hey guys! I'm dropping chapter 2 fresh off the keyboard! i edited the way the perspective shifts, so there still is different perspectives but they are labeled, hopefully this helps! (also forgive me, i introduced my next character, it might be kinda fast-paced but i hope this chapter is at least a bit more satisfying introductory-wise)

thoughts are now italicized 

Chapter 2- Kishiko-The Way of the Wave 

Tidal Log 1-16-80

Kishiko

I stood nervously by the nice psychologist as I awaited my new housing. I've been through a lot lately and I am sure glad to have this wonderful opportunity. I need to be in a place where it is safe for me to live. On the bright side, Miss Marla mentioned I’d meet some other kids like me. Who doesn’t like making new friends?

I hear some gears or some kind of machinery starting up, and I refocus on the opening room before me. I look at Marla, who seems excited that I’m excited. She grins.

Slowly the mechanisms seem to be moving something, but it is very dark and I start to think maybe this was all just a joke.

But then I hear the panels shift and what they reveal is my new, beautiful, fully customized home.


Marla smiles even wider as she sees the girl’s face light up. The freshly built and designed biome smelled faintly of factory and laboratory scent.

The dome itself was designed like the previous two: round walls and much spacing, about the size of a large family home, a mansion even. It gave ample room for its resident to explore and entertain themselves.

Of course, to make things more interesting for the kids, the facility made sure to fully customize each biome according to the strengths of each resider. Felix has a large, volcanic, hot environment in which his fire powers will feel right at home, while Nora had a smaller dome base with a large encircling ring as an exterior passage way, shaped like a planet, using her mental abilities to add distinct features herself.

The biome facing Marla and the new subject was mostly underwater, with a small, sandy island sitting on top. The bottom of the makeshift mini-ocean was decorated with bright and lively coral reefs, small schools of fish and a limited number of small marine creatures. It was a sight to behold. 


It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It’s like collecting all of the world’s best features into one jar and living inside that jar. Like a fairy.

I turn to Marla. “Is this really mine?” 


Marla looks at the girl whose eyes are gleaming with appreciation. “All yours, sweetie. I hope you like it. And if there’s anything that needs change, please, let us know. We’d be happy to make some adjustments. We need you to feel as comfortable as possible.”

She walks slowly over to the suspended dome, and passes her hand over the shiny glass-like material.

“Are you sure this won’t crack or break? What if it floods this place? I’d feel horrible,” she breathes. Suddenly, she doesn’t seem so sure about the whole ordeal.


Marla pats her shoulder gently. “Don’t worry, sugar. This might look like glass, but its actually a special material engineered to withstand and resist any element it contains. They are shatterproof, semi-soundproof, and each one maintains the perfect temperatures for their environment. That’s why we call them biomes.”


She sighed. “I can’t thank you enough, Miss.”

“Please, call me Marla. Now go ahead and settle down. I want you to start getting used to the space, although I’m sure it won’t be a problem.” She winks, and proceeds to stroll away to the observation deck.

“Oh, and lunch is at 12pm sharp.”


“My brother will be here soon, right?” The new girl takes one last look at Marla, who nods gently. She then tucks her surfboard under her arm and enters her aquatic home, hatch shutting behind her.


Carlo calls out as he works the software to insert the new biome and its inhabitant into the Dome Gallery, where the other two are. “Proceeding to insert Tide Reef into Gallery.”


The gigantic dome is silently pushed up into the opening gateway overhead, where light brightly shines through. It continues its skyward voyage until reaching the height of the pre-existing domes. After a little shuffling around, the biome is securely placed in between Volcano falls and Orbital Satellite.


Tide Reef, huh? That must be the name of my sector. I love it. I can’t wait for lunch, but i’m even more excited to meet my new neighbors. Their biomes look awesome! 

Anyway, I have to make myself at home.

I plunge into the cool, refreshing water and explore the deep, hoping Oniichan is not too far.

------------------------------------------------------

Nora

I had a great night’s rest. I had retired to bed early so my brain could be refreshed enough for some early morning studying.

I had no idea exactly how much of Earth is water. About 71%!!

And it’s not just water. It teems with life, both plants and animals.

There are also many different types of water environments. Usually it's warmer in the tropics and colder in the Arctic.


In reality, the topic is so broad that I have no idea how to address the new girl. At least I used to.

Right about a few hours after my wake-up, I heard the familiar sound of a dome insert. I rushed to the edge of mine to press up against the wall and have a good look. 

The biome in question is a beautiful gleaming marble, and by the looks of it, is 70% underwater just like the planet itself.


I scan the small, visible section of the seafloor. It is pretty active.

Coral bloom along the side with tiny schools of neon fish darting around. If i’m not mistaken, I saw a couple of squid as well.


However, I cannot spot the tenant so I settle down in the same spot for an entertaining, sea-watching session while waiting for lunch.

—————————————————-

Felix/Flare

Another night passed by and I got little sleep, as usual. I persist in finding an escape route out of this prison. Unfortunately, I have to admit that the people who locked me up here have  more brains than I do. But what I don’t have in smarts I have in firepower, so we’re even. 


I was sitting down, fiddling with a lava sculpture to take a break, when I heard something. I made my way to the exposed part of my cell to observe. Then I realized it was the newbie’s place, ascending from the dark depths of………..nevermind.


I look on as the dome finally stops, and it's at a weird angle so we can see part of the ocean.

I grunt. They placed it right next to me, to indirectly say “cool off” or something. 

I stare at the sphere, wondering how the person inside would react to me, being opposites and all that. The water makes me feel…… somewhat calmed. Its smooth and flowing, but its also fast. My comfort zone is rigid and hot, but slow. Love-hate relationship, I’d say. 


I sigh. We’ll probably never get along. It's probably better off that way. I bet if we were close enough we’d unwillingly hurt each other. Like, I'll probably accidentally burn them or they’d drown me by accident. Who cares. I’ll be out of here soon, so there’s no reason to make friends.

------------------------------------------------------

The domes open in time for lunch, right on schedule. 

Marla doesn’t meet with Nora or Felix right away. Instead, she sends along a message that she’ll see them for the meet and greet, to which they are welcome to come.

In time, lunch was over.

Both Nora and Felix passed each other in a somewhat awkward moment while going their separate ways.

Nora opened her mouth as he briskly walked by. “Wait, don’t you want to-“

“Not interested,” he grunted.

Nora rolled her eyes and shrugged. She continued on her way and soon ducked into a door, where Marla waited with the newcomer.

——————————————

Flare sat in his usual frustrated position, this time facing Tide Reef.


I’ve tried everything, from blasting the walls to faking a meltdown to anything that will get me out of here.

Nothing.


So I’m sitting like the depressed idiot I am, looking across the Gallery. I can see some fish darting around in circles in the water habitat, and it looks like they’re dancing or something. The seagrass also sways as if there’s like a beat of nature, I don’t know.

I’m just glad I don’t have to be in there. I’ve had several bad experiences near-drowning and I don’t want to relive that. I barely enjoy drinking water, not that I need to.

But I have nothing else to do, so I start piling lava until I have a good amount, and start to mold. I work quickly before it cools off so that I have a smooth result.

It's one of the very few things that calm me.

--------------------------------------

“Nice to meet you, I’m Nora.” She was barely sitting down and already introducing herself.


The girl sitting across from her smiled. “It’s a pleasure, Nora.”


Marla looked back and forth between the two. “I’m sure you both would rather take a walk? I suggested to meet here just to join up, but I have some other work to do. Nora, why don’t you take our new friend on a small tour?”


Nora nodded eagerly. “Of course! I’d love to!”

She then smiled apologetically to the girl. “That is, if you’d like.”


The new one smiled back. “I’d be psyched.”


The two parted ways with Marla and started down the corridor to the Gallery.

Nora pointed out the meal rooms and exercise chambers.


“Sorry if I’m exhausting you,” Nora says. “I just am so glad to finally have someone else to bond with. For years it was only me and then for the past few months its been Mr. Grumpy, who would probably rather take a shot to the head than hang out with me.”


Her companion tilted her head a bit. “Have I seen him?”


Nora shook her head. “Unless you were poking around at lunch, he doesn’t pop up often. He holes himself up in his fiery paradise plotting to escape.”


The girl raised an eyebrow slightly.

Nora continued. “And you’re thinking why is he so antisocial.”


Her eyes widened.


“I can mind read,” Nora breathes. She peeks over her shoulder.


But the girl smiles.“That’s pretty cool!’


“You don’t think I’m weird?”


The girl frowned. “Why would I think that?”


Nora breathed a sigh of relief. “I guess it’s just Flare, then. Anyway, watch this.”

Nora stares at a couple abandoned crates in the hallway. Slowly, her hands glow a faint purple as the boxes start to float upwards. She makes them touch the ceiling.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Kishiko

I stare in awe as somehow Nora makes these boxes float around without touching them.

“So you’re telepathic and telekinetic. That’s pretty cool.”


Nora smiles as she settles the crates down exactly as they were.

“Well, that’s the main two things. You never know when you’ll learn something else.”


She then looks at me expectantly. I blink.

“Oh, right. This is what I can do.”


I close my eyes for a second before I can feel the water rushing down my arms, spawning from my shoulders. I form little streams which twirl around the arm in a mesmerizing swirl. From the hand, the water continues on, unaffected by gravity. It collects in tiny floating orbs that stand still in the air. 

Nora grins widely at me.


“That is awesome. But how do you get rid of it? Don’t want to risk flooding the place,” Nora asks.


I pull the water orbs back until they fuse into my core. One by one, they disappear as they hit my body. Not a drop is left out, and I have no trace of water anywhere, not even dampness.


“Nice. I wish they’d let us have a space to practice our powers with each other,” Nora sighs.

“Why don’t they?”

“I think its because they don't want any accidents happening, in case our powers get out of control.”

“Wouldn’t that be a great reason to give us practice space, then? So that we can get used to our own and learn how to defend.”


Nora burrowed her eyebrow in thought as they resumed their stroll to the Biome Landing. “You know, that’s a great idea! I’ll try convincing Marla, since I’m kind of good at it.”


Nora continues to point out small details and info to her new friend, and before long, they reach the landing and part ways.

“It sure has been nice meeting you, Kishiko,” she smiles.

Kishiko looks somewhat surprised. “Wow, you remembered my name! Lots of people have a hard time doing that.”

Nora points to her own head. “Comes with my speciality package, I guess. And I believe it means ‘Child of the Sea’?”

Kishiko laughs. “You must have learned Japanese.”

“One of my side-projects, yes. I know quite a few languages, but I’m pretty excited to finally be able to use them.”

“Then I’ll tell you more next time.”


Nora nods to Kishiko, and turns to enter Orbital Satellite, her biome.

Kishiko then walks up the passageway to Tide Reef, pausing to look at Volcano Falls.

I wonder if it’ll bother him just to meet. I can’t know if he’ll be friend or foe unless I do.

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Felix/Flare

I notice the Freak come back from giving the newbie a grand tour. Not that I care. At least I think I don’t. I can’t seem to peel my eyes away from the stupid water dome. It's mesmerizing, really. And it doesn’t help that it is right in front of my face.

Finally, I get myself to look away to continue my plotting before I hear a faint splash. My attention snaps back to the neighbor, dammit. 

But then… I see her.

I almost dropped my freshly-made lava stone, not that it matters. I stare as she swims effortlessly, round and round the seafloor, gingerly touching the corals and rearranging seashells in a pattern.

I honestly didn’t know what to expect from my new neighbor, but seeing her now, I almost feel dumb for not at least meeting her.

I continue to look on, unable to remember what it was I was working on. She emerges from the water on top of the small island, fiddling with a gleaming, white surfboard. Her beautiful hair cascades down to her waist, with a little bun on top that reminds me of a bubble. 

And somehow, even though she literally just came out of the ocean-pool, I don’t see a drop on her. 

Suddenly, she turns her head and sees me looking at her from my own dome. Then I feel like an idiot for acting like such a stalker or something. I look down at my hands as I feel heat rush to my face. Its a common feeling for me, but this time is… different. Anyway, I turn to retreat into my lair, ready to forget the idea of a proper introduction, when I hear another splash. 

I resist the urge to look behind me, but its when I hear a soft tap on her dome wall that I force myself to have a glance. She’s back in the water, leaning up against the wall to smile at me.

I suck in a breath as she waves at me. I stand, frozen, not able to do anything, like a fool. It takes about two seconds, but my brain finally starts to work again, only to move my fingers in a primitive wave back. She smiles again, but I can’t make my face look anything other than stupid. 

She looks around, and on top of everything I feel awkward now, too. 

I’ve begun to think she’s lost interest, but then she forms small bubbles of air and spins them around, taking note of my curiosity. 

I nod slightly, and the bubbles disappear. Dread slowly fills me as I realize that she wants to see what I can do. I cup my shaky hands and make a small flame. She looks at it, her deep blue eyes reflecting some admiration. I notice that and try to make a lava pool, but my uncontrollable powers have a mind of their own, so not surprisingly, I can sense my hair light up. The flames lick at my ears and I give up trying to impress her.

Before I can stop it, though, lava starts dripping from my arm onto the floor, my coordinated effort melting away. 

Her eyes widen, but then she giggles as she sees my head in flames. I must look like a mess. I sigh, and turn away to hide somewhere in my dome. I hear more tapping, but I refuse to come back. 

I’ve embarrassed myself enough today. It's bad enough she won’t want to meet the mess I am.

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Kishiko

I can’t wait to meet him! I finally got a chance to see the guy Nora talked about. He seemed pretty startled at my sudden appearance, that’s my fault. He really does control fire, which I think about for a moment. Maybe people think water and flame don’t get along, but I already have a good feeling about this. I mean, he seems nice. To be honest, I think he is sort of cute, and I love the way his bangs fall in front of his eyes. I don’t know how Oniichan would feel about that though, he’s a bit overprotective. 

I must’ve bored him, because after trying to show me his fire, he left. I just hope I didn’t mess up the first impression. 

Tomorrow is Sunday. I’ll make it a point to have formerly met this guy in person by the evening.

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Orbital Log 1-17-80

Nora

The day passed by quickly, as its already lunchtime. I mustered up the courage to formerly ask Marla today for a new biome, one in which me and Kishiko can coexist and practice our powers. And whoever else comes along. I’ll need to make it sound less of a coliseum and more like a group therapy session. Hopefully it passes requirements.


Nora walks down the hallways to the meal area, looking for Kishiko.

Meanwhile, across the facility, hushed voices conversate in a secluded room, discussing the next steps to their plan.


“I’m telling you, Marla, we must expedite the collecting process for the rest of the discovered superkids. The soonest they arrive, the better our chances are to properly monitor them and train them before the time comes.” A guy in an impeccable lab coat towers over the calm psychologist, staring her down.


Marla glares back. “In case you’ve forgotten, the goal of our mission is not to hone them into greater weapons, Ulysses. These are kids that we are talking about. That belong in high schools. Not a secluded, underground research facility.”


Ulysses doesn’t back down. “Yes, but these kids have powers that put them here in the first place. You are all about keeping them safe, right? They are safest here.”


Marla sighs. “I mean, I do know that bringing them here gives them a better chance at staying undetected by our…. Foes. But it will be all the easier for them if they do discover us, then they can just make one stop and capture all of them. Also, I find it getting more and more difficult to keep all this intel disclosed. Why don’t we just tell them the truth-”


Ulysses starts getting more impatient. “Tell them and then what? Huh? You know these kids more than anyone else, Marla. You know that they won’t just accept it. And if they do, they’ll make it a point to get past us and see for themselves. Which undoes everything we’re working for here.”

He pinches the bridge of his narrow nose. “I’m most worried about them knowing without us telling them. Like Nora.”


Marla winces.

Ulysses continues. “That girl is more powerful than you think, Marla. She looks to you almost as a daughter to a mother. But don’t brush off the idea that one day she’ll get curious and search your thoughts. You’ll have to tell her someday, about where she comes from and all that stuff. Or, risk her discovering on her own, and losing trust in you.”


Marla nods. “I’ll get to it soon. I just wish that time would favor us more.”

Ulysses smiles weakly. “We all do.”

He looks at his watch. “Better get along. Its lunch. Nora will be waiting.”

“Of course. Before I do, any updates?”

Ulysses taps his nose. “Ninja boy sure is slippery, but now that his sister is with us, he’s expected to show anytime this week.”

Marla smiles. “Good, Kishiko is waiting. And the others?”

“All depends. Dawn’s super glued to Mr. Packwood, but he’s slowly convincing her. As for the others, we are still on tracking.”

Marla strolled away. “I do hope we can gather them all. I have an ominous feeling that our window of opportunity is closing fast.”

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Felix/Flare

I don’t feel hungry. I’m sitting in front of the holographic menu screen floating in front of me with no appetite or drive to scroll through the options. I keep thinking about yesterday, the odd encounter with the water beauty.

Thinking about everything I could’ve done differently.

And I don’t usually have regrets.

The doors to Felix’s meal room slide open.

He rolls his eyes as he hears who he thinks is Marla stop behind him. “Listen, for the last time, lady, I don’t want to stay here. I don’t care how many times you tell me that its for my own good, I won’t change my mind.”

“I’m not here to change your mind.”

Felix’s eyebrows shot up.

That definitely was not Marla. Or the Freak. So who?

Crap. It's her, isn’t it? 


Felix stiffens as Kishiko walks up until she is standing somewhat next to him. 

He doesn’t even look up. Heat rises in his face as he takes sudden interest in the menu screen.


“I know you weren’t expecting me. I guess I should’ve asked before barging in here,” she says, looking at the ground for a beat. Then she smiles and holds out her hand.

“I’m Kishiko.”


Felix still refuses to look at her. 

I can already feel small flames running up and down my arm, which happens when I’m nervous or excited. And I’m definitely not excited. I can’t mess this up. I can just ignore her and give off a bad vibe, or be polite and accidentally burn her with my fire that I can’t control. So I guess either way, I’ll mess it up.


Kishiko’s smile falters a bit as she withdraws her empty hand, but then brightens up again.

“I just wanted to formally introduce myself, now that we’re neighbors and all. Nora told me a lot about you, but I thought I’d come see for myself.”


I can’t help but snort. Let me guess, Freak tells Perfection that I’m a grump-butt?

Kishiko clears her throat, and slips into the chair beside him, looking at him for a moment.

“I heard you go by Flare?”


God, she won’t give up, will she? Those deep blue eyes don’t make it easier…

I keep my mouth shut, hoping she’ll take a hint.


She sighs and looks at the table. “Look, I know you probably didn’t waltz in here voluntarily. I didn’t either, but maybe I had an easier time accepting it than you did. But I’m not the kind of person who just sticks to themselves, so don’t mind me if I’m a little extroverted. Just want to let you know, I’m not here to get on your bad side. I like making friends, so that’s what I’m here to do.”

She skips a beat. “Whether or not you want to be friends is totally up to you.”

She makes a move to get up.


I sigh because I know I’ll regret this.

I put out my shaky hand.


Kishiko smiles and reaches for a handshake before she realizes his hand is on fire and pauses.


He looks at her for a second and looks away. “See? We could never be friends. It just doesn’t work.”

He’s about to retrieve his hand before he feels a cooling sensation and notices that she grabbed it firmly, shaking it.

Streams of water pour down her arm from her shoulder, creating a protective water-shield around her hand to prevent his flames from burning her.

He just stares at the phenomenon as if it were the most unexpected thing.


She speaks up. “Who said it couldn’t work? I, for one, hate stereotypes. Plus, friends always make it work out. Speaking of, my friends call me Nami.”


He finally manages to look at her directly. 

“Felix. Nice to meet you, Kishiko.”


She keeps smiling. “Pleasure’s mine, Felix. Please, call me Nami. You’re a friend now.”


He lets go of her hand, somewhat reluctantly.

She turns to leave before tossing a few more words over her shoulder. “Oh, and I think your flames are really cool. I’m glad I’m right next door, so I can see more of that. See you later, neighbor.”


My gaze lingers on her long, flowing, silky hair as she glides out of the room, leaving me to think.

What the hell just happened?



ersatzmedic

Sorry for the late reply, but those new perspective shifts are really good!! I loved the interactions between Kishiko and Felix and the Tide Reef's description. It helped me get a really good feel of what it's like there, kudos for the descriptive writing!