Headcanon; Voices and medication


Authors
Sadismancer
Published
5 years, 2 months ago
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A headcanon about Jax's voices and medication.

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The voices and the medication

Jax was eight when he heard the first voice. A soft, calming voice that told him everything was fine, would be fine, and that studying was a great way to improve his life. He didn’t really have friends and found himself alone in his room most of the time as his parents were very strict and told him to study until he dropped pretty much. He wasn’t so social so didn’t make ‘friends’, merely chatted to whoever approached him at school all in all. Didn’t care to befriend people and whatnot, just… got along in life with his studies as he was told to. He was more into reading and studying as per forced by his parents and while he did enjoy reading, learning more about human anatomy, biology etc, he did find himself feeling lonely while sat in his room. He had to attend after school activities to advance his learning but other wise he never had a social life, just forced to sit and learn more and more until he would be the best of the best.

The first voice was an adult’s voice seemingly without a gender that told him to behave and study, that life would get better, that he would be fine and happy eventually if he studied more. Get a good job. All that. He would be a successful adult and thrive. It gave him hope that he would feel happier later in life and he did strive to excel in learning while this voice helped him along.

Over the years more voices appeared until there were four in total, all talking in unison or one after the other. They were generally positive and supportive and just kept him ‘sane’, so he thought.

It wasn’t noted but psychosis / schizophrenia ran in the family and he had taken after his father in this aspect, plus the loneliness playing on his mind, as well as discovering video games and believing life is a game, all taking is toll on his mental health. It wasn’t severe mind you, something he could cope with.

He lived day to day while listening to the voices. They weren’t evil. Instead they were pleasant and kept him company, though he never spoke back in fear of people finding out and taking away the ‘nice people in his head’. He hadn’t learned about mental health. Such was a taboo subject and his father wasn’t on meds nor ever willing to talk about his issues, and his mother just brushed it under the carpet, so mental health was a big no-no. He had learned in passing about negativity in mental health but nothing that described what he was going through, so was afraid he was different and ‘bad’, afraid someone would take away his only support.

Age sixteen he slept with a girl who had liked him since he joined High school. The voices had told him that it was fine to enjoy himself and that he should indulge for once. And he did. But then they turned sour and told him to avoid the girl forever, so he did. He never knew why they wanted him to avoid her and he didn’t care. He didn’t care for her much and found it easier to just avoid her after their awkward one night stand. 

At age seventeen he found a dead Poliwag and, with his interests in human and pokemon biology he found himself trying to dissect it, fascinated by the insides, the blood and whatnot. But he was discovered by an adult and taken to his parents, to who forced him to see a psychiatrist in fear of their son ‘going crazy’.

He heard the word ‘crazy’ enough over the next few months of talking to this psychiatrist that he started to despise the word utterly and truly. They didn’t mean it in a bad way, just reassured him he wasn’t ‘crazy’. They found best to put him on medication for psychosis after diagnosing him with such condition; he admitted he didn’t care for life, that it was an illusion, game or simulation. It had taken three months for him to admit it and he regretted ever mentioning it.

At first he was reluctant to take the meds but eventually caved from lots of persuasion and his mother collapsing at his feet and begging him to ‘not turn out like his father’. 

The meds made him feel numb and like a zombie, and he found the voices eventually left him, as well as his emotions.

The meds worked well enough to make him seem normal, though he still believed life wasn’t real. Even so, he was able to get a degree in science and start a life when he was eighteen, leaving home in distaste at how his parents had brought him up; he started to socialize a little and realized his parents hadn’t ever let him be social, so he started to hate them for it, up and left home and didn’t say where he went.

So from age seventeen until thirty-two he was medicated. Doses upped and reduced to suit his mind at the time. He got a general therapist around age twenty-five who also helped him with general life, helped him talk to people more and become more social, though deep down he didn’t care for anybody due to the medication making him numb, and all he wanted was to control others and sleep with them on one night stands. He found himself unable to commit to anybody and did begin to despise the idea of emotions after watching several people become upset that he wouldn’t ‘like’ them or see them again. So he decided emotions were bad and something to be repelled. 

Now, having come off the meds, the voices are back and angry that they were ever forced away, even a new voice appearing that is only angry and seems to direct the others in their hatred. He also has started to believe the meds were a way of being controlled. But who by or why is still unknown to him, but the voices seem to agree that medication is bad and was only to control him… for obvious reasons of not wanting to be hidden away again. He is also unable to cope with emotions as it’s been so long without them, only ever feeling the bare twinges of something that could’ve been. Now he’s feeling everything and doesn’t know what to do to stop it other than take drugs and drink alcohol. The voices don’t help at all by trying to control him, but they’re so smooth, so impacted into his mind that he believes their every word, remembering them from when he was young, that they ‘love him’. So he feels lost.