2010/1 - Quiet Musings of Him

It is rare that you fall asleep before me.   But when you do, sometimes I lie awake and think.  I guess I think a lot  lately, don’t I, Wesker?  You usually laugh at me when I say these  things.   But sometimes, I really do wonder  -how all of this happened.

I’d always told myself I’d  never fall in love.  How I watched the  others, how they seemed to act so--well, strange around the ones they  fell for.  How some seemed to squabble all the time and were never  happy.  When I was younger, I was happy with being alone.  It never  bothered me.  I did have a few fleeting crushes, but that is what they  were-mere crushes.

Then there was that strange day that changed it all.  I don’t remember  everything that happened that day last summer, but somehow, for some  reason, Terrant introduced me to you, and while we were at the ruins,  suddenly this large blue stag came out of nowhere and cornered me,  acting aggressively.  You didn’t even know me. But you went out of your  way to come and defend me.

It surprised me.

There were the rumors I heard about how you  were aggressive and evil, and to stay away.  But it was hard for me to  see, because from the first day I met you I was never shown that side.   You were always polite, if quiet.  In the beginning we never really  talked about much.  You seemed to like quiet time; and believe it or not  I enjoyed seeking you out for quiet time myself.  I came to find out  that you didn’t allow many deer to sit near you, and I was honored.

Another doe used to hang around you a lot.  Do you remember her?   Asbjorn.. She was beautiful, wasn’t she?  I used to look at her and my  soul would wilt inside.  I would never be able to compete with her , I’d think.  And then I knew.  As much as I had tried fighting it inside, I knew. 

I’d finally fallen for someone.

I fought it for a long time, Wesker.  I  refused to tell you.  I figured it would ruin everything.  So I kept it  all inside, but you could always tell when something was bothering me.   You still always can.  But I couldn’t tell you.  And oh, when you got  into fights with Darkweaver?  It killed me inside to see you so injured.   I know I’d follow you around like a lost puppy, but I only wanted to  see you alive and safe.  So when.. The unthinkable happened.. I thought I  was going to die too.  

I wanted to.  Oh, how I wanted to. I wanted to just fade from existence.   I never told you how I felt, and I never would have the chance.  I  went so numb inside; from anger, regret, sadness, loss... Days dragged  by, and I waited desperately for sleep to come to just take me away to  nothingness.

And then a strange miracle occurred; there was talk in the forest of a  ghost of a certain deer being sighted.  But you were very real.  Back  then I didn’t know the reasons behind your return, or how it happened,  but I was thrilled beyond belief that you had.  And now I would have my  chance to tell you what I could not the last time.  

I suppose we both know what happens from  there.  I’m glad I had that second chance.  Even when you’re sleeping  right now? I know you’re not completely asleep, and you’re listening to  me babble on to myself.  You’re like that.  Always waiting for something  to happen.  Always on alert.  Especially now, with the fawn on the way.   That’s you, and you can’t help that.  We’re such total opposites that  sometimes it makes me laugh, thinking about it.  Sometimes, I wonder why  you picked me.  You could have so many does in the world, I’m sure,  instead of this plain one you lie next to.   Whatever your reasons, I’m  glad you did. 

I wouldn’t change a thing.  And I’m grateful  for everything that has happened.  More than anything, I’m grateful for  you.  And I think we’re both ready for this fawn. I know you’ve been  trying really hard to be, well, nice, to the fawns in this forest.  We’ll be ready.

...Goodnight, Wesker.