The Misadventures of Ranger Kim and Ranger Kelly

Four star rangers had a conversation, three unaware that the other was living a lie.

Carelessly sailing through space in the Virgo, its crew enjoyed their 2nd lunch period. Jun Kim, a new recruit, sat at a cafeteria table. 

“Did you guys hear about the protest in Connecticut?” asked the guy sitting across from Jun. His brown hair and beard were more unkempt than any warrant officer would allow. Though he hadn’t mentioned his opinion on the protest, the scowl on his face spoke volumes.

“You mean the one about the IF’s gender ban?” A plain-looking guy spoke.

“Yeah, that one.” The scruffy man didn’t bother looking up from his tray. He angrily stirred his food into a mess.

“Why do women have to make a problem out of everything?” Another guy huffed. He had red hair and a handsome face. At least, Jun thought other people would probably think that.  “Watch them complain when they finally do get let in.”

Jun and the plain guy exchanged a look of discomfort.

“What, do you think they should join?” Scruffy’s scowl bored into Jun.

“I don’t see how it would be different from any other branch.” The new recruit answered, before eating a forkful of broccoli. It needed salt.

“Yeah…” The plain guy spoke up. “The other branches are doing fine.”

“The other branches don’t have to worry about an XX mutation.” Scruffy Guy replied smugly.

Just then, a tray slammed down beside Jun.

“I heard that the radiation waves beyond Mars would make them infirtile.” The tray’s owner, a middle-aged man, joined into the conversation as if he was always there.

“Why?” asked Jun.

“It was proven.” Scruffy Guy looked at the rookie incredulously. “Does the name Mason Connery ring a bell?” 

“Yeah, I know about that guy. I know what he said.” The dark-haired ranger ate a spoonful of mashed potatoes. “But it doesn’t make sense to me. If X chromosomes were an issue, then we’d all be in trouble.

“You wouldn’t understand. Our Y chromosome is what protects us from the radiogenetic alteration.”

Our. Us. Good. People were buying it. Jun saw an opportunity to change some minds. If people accepted the rookie as one of their own, maybe they’d listen.

“Besides,” added the middle-aged corporal, “men and women already have different organs and hormones. Wouldn’t it be possible that based on that alone, women’s reproductive systems could go through weird changes if they went past Mars? I wouldn’t chance it.” 

“Me neither.” Handsome Guy picked at his food.

“Has it ever been tested before?” Jun asked.

Scruffy continued his condescending looks. “No. Do you think they want a lawsuit?”

“I’m sure there are people willing to try it.” The rookie glanced around. “They never said it’d cause cancer or anything like that, right? Just infertility?”

“Just infertility?” The oldest man got offended. “That destroys families!”

Plain Guy appeared to be confused. “But technically the families... wouldn’t be--”

“Yeah!” blurted Handsome Guy.

“I knew a girl I went to college with who said she didn’t want kids. There’s probably other girls like that who’d really want to join the Interstellar Forces.” Jun explained, trying not to notice Scruffy becoming increasingly more annoyed.

The middle-aged corporal laughed. “You don’t know anything about women, do you? You ever had a girlfriend?‘

“...No?”

“Trust me. What a woman says and what she means is totally different. Just ask my wife!”

He and Handsome laughed.

“Women want kids.” he continued. “Even if they don’t, they will someday. My wife told me so!”

“It’s a proven psychological phenomenon!” Scruffy had no problem staring directly at Jun. He hadn’t stopped for a while, or at least it felt like it. 

“Couldn’t a female star ranger have kids before going to space?” That came out higher-pitched than the rookie intended.

“But they wouldn’t be able to spend time with their kids. Women are naturally more empathetic. They’re better equipped for taking care of children, it wouldn’t work.”

“He’s got a point!” agreed middle-aged man.

Handsome seemed unsure. “I dunno. I wouldn’t say my mom was good at taking care of us growing up.” Jun could relate.

“I’m really looking forward to becoming a dad someday.” Plain spoke up, more confident than before. “If me and my wife were both in the IF, I wouldn’t mind taking care of the kids for her when she can’t.”

“And there’s plenty of kids without moms that are okay.” added Jun.

“Where’s your proof?” Scruffy Guy shot back.

“Wha--?”

“I’d say I’m proof, but I’d be lying.” Handsome Guy joked.

“I don’t know any personally,” Jun admitted, “but they exist.”

“Well maybe you should keep your mouth shut if you until you have some concrete evidence!” Scruffy Guy balled up a meaty fist.

No matter who they agreed with, everyone was put off by Scruffy’s sudden explosion. But Jun tested fate. 

“Okay, sorry I don’t know every parental situation of everyone ever, but I guess you have a point. I don’t have any ‘concrete evidence.’ Tell that to your friend Mason Connery.”

‘Ooh’-ing commenced.

“Keep talking like that and you’ll get to tell him.”

The ‘ooh’s turned into slightly louder ‘ohh’s.

“Now, now, boys, calm down.” Middle-aged Guy addressed both of them, though Jun felt pretty calm. Scruffy was the one with the problem.

“No one mentioned adoption!” called a rough-looking guy a few seats down.

“No one was talking to you!” Scruffy shouted back.

“That guy’s so annoying…” Handsome muttered under his breath, so the guy a few seats down wouldn’t hear.

“I think that’s a good idea.” Jun agreed. “Adoption’s always an option. They can serve in the IF and then adopt a kid! Problem solved.”

Scruffy looked away, tapping his fist on the table.

“You thinking of becoming a father?” asked Middle-aged Guy.

“No?”

He chuckled. “That explains it. I don’t blame you though. The teenage years are rough; that’s why I’m glad I’m up here! But the thing is, men want their own kids. It’s not the same with adoption.”

“Plus, you gotta be careful with them.” Handsome added. “I saw a TV show about adopted kids offing their parents.” He drew a line across his neck. “It’s scary, man.” Handsome Guy paused, scratching his chin. “But,” he began. “I think we’ve been too hard on these guys. I’m starting to think women should be allowed in the IF!”

Jun was surprised. “Really?”

“Yeah! Think of how they’d look in the jumpsuits!”

A middle-aged elbow poked Jun. “Smart thinking! You should’ve told us that earlier!”

The rookie smiled, masking disappointment.

“That’s….” Plain Guy trailed off when the others stared at him. “I mean, I guess you can look at it that way.” He glanced away, stabbing a piece of broccoli. “But, I’m just thinking. This is the IF we’re talking about, a lot of guys here aren’t exactly straight. Imagine if they all started hitting on the rest of us. That would get weird, right?”

The other three guys nodded.

“I wouldn’t complain about cute girls in jumpsuits, but I don’t wanna get sued for checking them out too hard, you know?”

“Yeah.” Jun agreed, trying not to stand out too much.

“Yeah, think about the lawsuits!” Scruffy spat at the rookie.

“Dude, what is your problem with that guy?” asked the rough guy from earlier, between casually sipping a juice pouch.

“I wasn’t talking to you!!”

Handsome leaned back, using his hands as a shield. “You are getting pretty heated, though.”

Middle-aged Man decided to continue the other conversation. “They’re right about the lawsuits. Don’t even get them started demanding stuff. My wife already bleeds my wallet dry. Could you imagine a whole army of women? The IF would go bankrupt!”

“Accommodations would have to be made.” added Plain Guy. “The bathrooms and shower systems would have to be completely redone.”

“Complete with interior decorating~” joked Handsome Guy. 

“And when we don’t give them everything they want,” Scruffy continued, “they’ll sue for discrimination. They say they want to be treated equally, but when they have to do the same work as us, they’ll start complaining. And after all that, they’ll still have the nerve to talk about us not taking them seriously!” He stabbed a fork into his food. “Isn’t it a trip?”

“Yeah!” Handsome and Middle-aged Guy shouted in agreement.

“When it comes to the workload, the IF could just tell them to suck it up like the rest of us. Dudes around here complain all the time.”

“Yeah, that’s true.” Handsome agreed. "I do it all the time."

“I’m guilty of that, too.” Plain Guy raised a hand. “But I’d take this over basic training any day.”

The dark-haired ranger laughed. “Ain’t that the truth?” Jun looked at Scruffy Guy and shrugged. “See? It’s that simple. And if they’re star rangers like the rest of us, I dunno, maybe we should take them seriously?”

“Yeah.” Plain nodded. “I think so, t--”

“You’re not. Listening!” Scruffy pounded the table. He pinched between his eyes. “It’s not that simple. There’s politics involved!”

“You’re right, but there’s no need to get worked up.” Middle-aged Guy made an attempt to mitigate the situation. “Political correctness gets in the way of everything. We wouldn’t be able to have fun anymore because there would be a ton of strict women around taking everything way too seriously.”

“I know right?” Handsome chimed in. “That’s usually how it goes.”

The rookie looked toward Plain Guy for backup, but he looked more worried than anything.

“Maybe we need to counter protest to keep them out.” The middle-aged corporal suggested.

“There’s already a movement doing that.” informed Scruffy.

“Good! Any man in his right mind should join.” A middle-aged smile crossed the corporal’s face.

“Guess I’m not in my right mind.” Jun waved a fork in the air.

“Would you just shut up??” shouted Scruffy Guy. 

“Hey, hey, cool it.” Handsome unsuccessfully tried to cool the situation.

Scruffy only focused on the rookie. “What we’re trying to get through your thick little skull is that there’s no winning against the females! You and your friend,” He motioned to Plain Guy, who moved away from Jun, “can suck up to them all you want, but they won’t care! That’s why we need to fight back!”

“What are you getting so mad about? Have you ever talked to a woman before??” Jun asked, not counting herself, of course.

The new recruit wondered if that was a bad choice of words, because she suddenly found her uniform jacket being gripped by Scruffy. Handsome grimaced and Plain completely left the table.

“Now, that’s enough.” Middle-Aged Guy scolded. It wasn’t very threatening, considering he moved a few seats down to say it.

Jun was mostly unfazed, as she could easily dislodge herself if she wanted to.

“I really don’t want to fight anybody.” began the rookie. “It’s my first deployment, what about you?”

“Don’t try to change the subject!” Scruffy shook Jun a bit.

“I'm not! Look, there’s a corporal right there.” Jun motioned to middle-aged man. “He could easily write us up. I don’t wanna get sent back home.”

Handsome Guy stifled a laugh. Further away, Jun saw the rough looking guy from a few seats down not even bothering to stifle his laughter. Middle-Aged Guy faced the opposite from the altercation, as if he was never involved.

“You’re just gonna tell on him?” Handsome smirked.

“Yeah, fighting is against the rules, right?”

More laughter ensued.

Middle-Aged Guy turned back around. “You can slug him if you want, kid. I won’t tell.”

Scruffy’s size and weight would normally be enough to make him a threat to most people, but despite that, he didn’t seem like the type to fight much. Jun didn’t want to resort to violence so quickly. Causing a scene wasn’t ideal when you wanted to blend in on a ship full of men. 

He swung a fist at Jun. She pushed his arm off course and stepped back fast enough to break his grip from the uniform jacket. In a fit of rage, he lunged across the table, but the rookie was too far back to reach. He picked up his tray of mush, and flung it at Jun’s head. She crossed her arms over her face instead of simply moving out of the way. A messy mistake.

“Ugh…” Jun shook off a combination of mashed potatoes, gravy, and broccoli from her sleeves.

Scruffy seemed to be finished with his little tantrum. He only stood there, still seething at the new recruit, but not making any attempts to move closer. Jun turned to walk away and report the incident to someone who would actually do something about it. Then, she heard someone speak. 

“You think you can pick on a guy who won’t fight back?”

Jun turned to see Rough Guy placing a hand on Scruffy’s shoulder. He was a blond, bearded ranger who stood a few inches taller than Scruffy Guy. A scar trailed down the left side of his face. He didn’t look like the type of guy you’d want to meet in a back alley.

“Hey, dude, you don’t gotta do that.” The rookie told him. “I was just gonna report him to someone.”

“Ok.”

“If you get violent, I’ll report you too!”

Rough Guy slowly turned his head toward Jun, giving a disgusted look.

“Whoop-dee-doo-da-day Mr. Snitch. Tell anyone you want. I don’t give a--!”

Scruffy took a swing at him. Rough Guy dodged his hand and slams him into the table, dunking his own tray of food on top of Scruffy Guy’s head. That was the last thing the rookie witnessed before hurrying out of the area.

Jun managed to find the ship’s Disciplinary Department. Inside, a couple of corporals and warrant officers were laughing over conversation. Someone else was dressed in a uniform the new recruit hadn’t seen before. The new recruit felt silly standing in the doorway covered in today’s lunch. She felt even sillier when the others started laughing at her.

“Look at this poor sap!” A warrant officer pointed and laughed. Jun smiled a little, not too bothered. It must’ve been funny, seeing someone show up like this.

The one whose outfit stood out turned around. He was an older man with steely eyes. Jun noticed the star-shaped pin on his uniform had two orange stripes to its right. This could only be Captain Phelps. Seeing the ship’s captain was a rare occurrence. The dark-haired ranger straightened her posture.

“What on Earth happened to you?” The captain squinted at Jun.

“I came to report a fight in the cafeteria hall, sir.”

“Between who?” asked a warrant officer.

“Uh… Actually, I never got their names.” Jun replied, sheepishly. “One was tall-ish, brown hair and a beard, kinda messy looking?”

“I’m surprised Kelly wasn’t involved.”

“I don’t know who that is…”

“Must be a fresh recruit.” Another corporal pointed a thumb at Jun, before addressing her directly. “Tall guy, blond hair, big scar under his eye, you can’t miss him.”

“Oh yeah, that’s the other guy!”

Everyone in the room groaned.

“No one even bothers reporting him anymore.” The captain shook his head. “You’d have to be really brave or really naive to do so. Which one are you?”

Jun took a moment to consider her situation, impersonating a man in a men-only branch of military, surrounded by other men, without much of a plan. That went beyond naive. On the other hand, a weaker person wouldn’t dare try this stunt.

“I’d say a little bit of both, sir.” joked the rookie.

“Good. We have a job for you.”