Prompt Shop Bop

"the lonely" - Jino

by Christina Perri

"Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night"

Things have gotten to a point where Jino doesn't even want to go to bed. Though she'd never admit it, of course she feels unloved. Of course she wishes that others liked her, wanted to be around her, but she feels that no one would. Ua doesn't count; she's her sister, the only one who knows what Jino went through because she went through the same exact thing, and is almost obligated to adore her. Phetho is an exception; for whatever reason, he has taken a liking to Jino, and for whatever reason, loves her in spite of her flaws. This, however, doesn't fix the issue that no one else loves her. And perhaps this is Jino's own fault. She is constantly pushing back against those who try to reach out to her, because she does not trust them. However, that doesn't stop Jino from feeling unloved, believing that if someone really did wish to give her a chance, they'd push past her prickly exterior, like Phetho has been doing. Though she wants to sleep, because there is every chance that she might see Phetho again if she does, Jino is not sure she can bring herself to try. She is tired of painfully laying alone, because even if she sees Phetho in her dreams, she still wakes up by herself. There's a pain to that that Jino does not want to face, so instead, she tries her darndest to avoid it.

"But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me 'til I fall asleep"

Because of the way Jino acts, she has forced anyone that might care for her away in favor of having a nihilistic view of the world, believing that nobody cares unless they fight past the hostile front Jino likes to present others with. Because of this, there is no way that she will ever lose the loneliness, not unless the few that have gotten close can convince her to let that go. It's a harsh reality to come to terms with. Instead of having anyone with her, she curls up at night dwelling on that void, because what else does she have to dwell on? She has Phetho now, but even that isn't enough of a distraction. There's only so much with her lover that she can think of before her mind wanders back to the loneliness she's filling her life with. Because she's been so insistent on that loneliness, that is what accompanies her to bed, not another living soul who can make her feel any warmth during the night.

"Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story"

In truth, Jino knows she's broken. She knows that the state she's in isn't a good one, and that she has, in a sense, destroyed the lioness that she once was. In fact, it isn't all that odd to wonder at times how Jino is even still breathing. Thanks to her destructive habits, it's honestly a miracle that she has survived this long, because more often than not, Jino makes fairly terrible life decisions. She feels as if her life has fallen apart so terribly, that it has gone so wrong, that there's no reason to try and keep herself afloat and making smart decisions. Instead of acting intelligently, she chooses to do the easy thing, even if it only serves to make her more broken, lonely, and miserable. Actually, the reckless, destructive nature of her actions is probably a habit that Jino learned from her Teacher, Haraka. While Haraka isn't quite so destructive and hateful, she is definitely reckless and is by no means friendly. Why Nasaba chose to give Jino to her as a Learner, no one is quite sure, because if anything, it has only served to make Jino worse. Though the two did not interact nearly as much as a Learner and Teacher should have, when they did, Jino seems to have decided that Haraka's behavior has served her just fine, so why shouldn't Jino act the exact same way? Her story so far is, honestly, a tragedy. Almost anyone, if asked, would agree with such a statement; Jino herself wouldn't even dispute it as a fact. In all actuality, however, Jino's trajectory for the future is quite bright. As things currently stand, she has two people who she is actually letting support her, Phetho and Ua, and they seem fully intent on ensuring that she doesn't have her life end up as a terrible mess. They do not want her story to end the way she is convinced it will, and if she won't do anything to fix it, they'll try and push her to subtly make the right decisions to keep her from suffering even more than she already has.

"Where there once was love
Now there's only me and the lonely"

Almost anyone Jino speaks with in the pride about her past (not that she talks much about it with any of them anymore) insists that she must have been loved at one point. She is not aware that she still is loved by her mother, who watches her to see how she's doing whenever possible and has Jino's uncle also give her updates when she can't witness the events in her daughter's life for herself. However, since she and Ua don't know that (to Jino's knowledge, at least), Jino has to believe that whoever had her didn't care for her or her sister. In her opinion, the fact that she and Ua were found abandoned makes that very, very clear. Many of the other pride members have tried to say that the fact that Laani found them despite their age may mean that, perhaps, their mother had some sort of hand in ensuring that they were found and taken in. Perhaps, for whatever reason, she knew she would not be able to, and so wanted them to have the best chance at life possible. Or perhaps, they argue, something unexpected happened to her, and she never intended to give them up. Jino isn't sure what Ua thinks of these theories - she definitely is much better at tolerating those that suggest things in that vein - but Jino thinks the members of the Isle of Roses that suggest ideas like those are idiots.