A Grand Heist of Jewels
Dangerous thieves. Clever detectives. A battle of wits never before seen! You will find none of these things here. Detective Fortis and her protégé Gilly square off against the Obsidian Phantom Thieves in a not very thrilling (but hilarious) gift story.
Author's Notes
This isn't the full story - be sure to click through to my website for the ENTIRE THRILLING TALE!! A gift for Che and Bun.
Sometimes, Alonzo is convinced that Scoria only invites him to see her to watch her cats climb all over him.
Forget their years of friendship, her unwavering help, her passion to return stolen art to their rightful owners by stealing it back. No, as she lounges on a comfortable chair, her cane to one side, a fan to the other, Alonzo is certain the glint in her dark brown eyes comes from the fact he has two cats attempting to climb his legs and one perched on his shoulders.
It has been exactly one minute since he entered her house.
Guava, a massive deaf white cat, sits comfortably on Scoria’s lap, purring loudly enough that Alonzo can hear it over the screaming reverberating from Pumpkin (the large orange tabby that likes to be tall) on his shoulders. They are, apparently, meows. He still doesn’t believe it.
It takes him another two minutes to walk to the chair opposite Scoria’s, and as soon as his butt hits the cushion, the three cats fight for a spot on his legs. Scoria does nothing but grin. Two cat fights and numerous pinpricks in his legs later, the three have settled: Pumpkin rubbing his face on Alonzo’s sleeve, with Yuzu and Honey, a tortie and calico, respectfully, each loafing on a leg.
“Hello,” Scoria greets. “They missed you.”
Alonzo groans. But he pets them all the same.
A quick glance around the room reveals he is spared any more cat attacks: the final cat, Mango, the oldest and the ringleader, is nowhere to be seen. It’s sunny enough she could be at any window, bathing in the light or pawing at the window attempting to escape. Overall, the cats are…sort of well-behaved considering they all came from the streets. Scoria always had a habit of picking up strays.
It is, after all, how the two of them became friends.
She shifts, winces, and scowls, and Alonzo knows she must be having a chronic pain flare up. He waits for it to pass—she’d ask him for something if she needed it. He allows her some space, which is all she seems to want, and when she speaks again the cheer is back in her smile.
“Guess what?”
There’s a glint in her eye Alonzo doesn’t trust. He makes a wild guess. “You’ve adopted another cat.”
“No!!” Scoria puffs out her cheeks, a sign of frustration she picked up as a child that’s highly unsuited for the realm of nobles. Alonzo figures he and the cats are the only ones who see it. She adjusts her tiny top hat on her afro as she continues. “So rude. What I wanted to say is that the new museum exhibit of Asfice Jewelry is arriving by train today. It’s been moved up, in secret, to try and forestall an attack by Obsidian. Those dratted phantom thieves.”
Ah. This time Alonzo is the one starting to grin, at least until Pumpkin decides to climb back on his shoulders by digging his claws through fabric and flesh. He sputters as the tail flicks over his mouth, and he has to speak out of the corner to avoid a meal of cat fur. “It would be a shame if they disappeared during set up.”
“I’m glad you agree.”
There’s no real need for secrecy in her home, but she enjoys the subterfuge as much as the acts of justice, and it hurts no one to play along. Scoria is too smart to risk their plan in front of untrustworthy ears.
“What would be the worst possible time to strike?” he asks. “For those poor security guards who have to watch over them.”
“I suppose it would be the guard shift an hour after midnight. Especially if the guards all happened to fall asleep.” Scoria lifts her fan, revealing a long key, its silver gilding scraped in places to reveal the iron beneath. “Especially since they seem to have lost the key to the roof windows.”
Alonzo pockets it from her chair in record time, and she laughs, giving a polite applause at the sleight of hand. He tries to bow, but the cats prevent it, so he settles for giving them scritches under their chins. So annoying. So sweet.
“Do you have work today?”
“No,” he replies. “Fortis said she had a dream, or premonition, or something, and she sent me home to spare me from certain doom.”
“Perfect,” Scoria hums. “You can stay for lunch, then! And we can go over what’s arriving in the collection so we know exactly what to see when we visit.”
Alonzo is about to reply, to thank her for the help, to express excitement over the next job, but the only thing that comes from his mouth is a strangled yelp as Pumpkin uses his shoulders as a springboard to jump off the chair.
CHOOSE HOW YOU READ! The thrilling heist is told from both the point of view of The Seance Agency of Detectives (SAD) and Obsidian, the Phantom Thieves, and the sides can be read in either order.