SYOL (Take 2)

Though Orange was now working for an (ostensibly) evil overlord, he couldn’t say he was expecting his first job request to be about raising hell. What did that even mean? Was this the practical joking kind of hell-raising or did the caller mean literally raising hell? Given where he was it could plausibly be either, but one was considerably more possible for him to do than the other.

“Yes?” Orange replied, knowing he didn’t really have much of an option if he wanted to keep this job.

“Ha! Glad we’re on the same page. Then meet me in the Backalley Corridor ASAP.”

Before Orange could ask where the Backalley Corridor was, much less process how bizarrely ominous it sounded – the man on the other end hung up. He sat there in silence for a few seconds before bolting off to get ready to meet his first client. ASAP meant ASAP, so Orange was panicking as he ran out the door even though he had only taken five minutes to get ready. It wasn’t until he was out of the residency area that he realized he had absolutely no idea where he was going. He pulled out his buzzer and went to the map, noticing there was a glowing dot over a bizarrely-placed stairwell in the direction opposite of where he was heading. Giving himself no time to utter a very mild curse word very quietly, he turned around and walked as quickly as physically possible. If running in the hallway at school was frowned upon, it was probably punishable by death here.

Okay, that was a lie. Orange had memorized the majority of the rulebook by now and there was nothing in it about running in the hallways, but that wasn’t going to stop Orange from being a loyal member of polite society.

Orange’s speedwalking proved efficient enough, as he reached the door to the stairwell in about the same time it would have taken him if he embraced the delinquent within him and booked it. He opened the door, which was hard to miss: it was smaller than every other door he had seen in the builing thus far and it was coated in rust. Opening it produced an unsettling creaking noise that followed him even after he had closed the door behind him. As if that wasn’t ominous enough, the stairwell was completely lacking in any light whatsoever.

“Hello?” he called out, swallowing hard upon hearing how long his echo lasted. He started feeling around for the stairs and nearly fell down the ones leading downward, leading to his decision to try and use his buzzer as a flashlight. It didn’t do much, but it was certainly better than nothing.

The next thing Orange noticed about the stairwell is that it was very, very narrow. He could almost feel the walls on each side of him as he started on the stairs leading up. He had never been particularly claustrophobic, but this place was beginning to change that. He felt like he should just turn around while he could, but the mighty intern within him insisted he continue onward.

He wasn’t sure he liked the mighty intern within him.

Five minutes passed, then ten. Orange had lost track of how many flights of stairs he had climbed a while ago, and despite him calling out for his client every other minute or so he was beginning to forget why he was here. Maybe he was just tired, or maybe his nerves were getting to him, but he could’ve sworn his footsteps were getting quieter and the light from his buzzer was getting smaller. It was already disorienting enough being somewhere so dark – given that he didn’t have much sensation (if any) in the majority of his limbs, relying on his senses was something he didn’t want to have to do.

Just as he was about to give up and attempt to find where he had entered from, a figure dropped down from the ceiling and grabbed him. Orange shrieked the girliest shriek his vocal chords could muster and would have toppled backwards down god-knows-how-many flights of stairs if he hadn’t been firmly in the creature’s grip.

“You scared, intern?” it spoke in his ear. Orange likely would have pissed himself if he hadn’t recognized the voice as the one who called him.

“Y-Yes?” he stuttered, hoping that was the right answer. His client – Orange wasn’t sure if he could apply that word anymore – laughed and grabbed his buzzer, shining the light under his face like a kid telling horror stories at summer camp.

“You think that’s scary? You haven’t seen nothin’ yet, kid.” He grinned. Orange’s muscles tightened as he realized who he was speaking to. The instructor of the introductory had made sure to mention him a number of times: he was a troublemaker who was to be avoided whenever possible. He also happened to be a Representative, which was a fancy name for a close aide of the overlord proficient in one of the elements from his home world. Mischievousness and power were a terrible combination, and here Orange was with no escape from the result.

“A-Aren’t you Lausac Pardes?” he asked mostly out of politeness, tugging at his collar.

“You bet your ass I am. Glad I don’t have to waste sweet time on introductions.” Lausac said, slapping him on the back. “Now, let’s get to business, yeah?”

“Right, the hell-raising…” Orange gulped, trying not to look too displeased with his situation. Maybe whatever they were about to do was mild and mostly harmless. Or maybe it would be destructive and horrible and cause Orange to lose his job for doing his job.

No, no, don’t think about things like that, he thought to himself. He would have time for worries and regrets when he was off the clock or on the chopping block (whichever came first).

“The hell-raising. Off we go!”

Before Orange could even finish registering his sentence, Lausac kicked him over the railing and sent him plummeting down all of the stories Orange had spent so much time climbing. No, that wasn’t quite right – he didn’t go over the railing. His back didn’t feel broken in half and he hadn’t heard anything break, but Orange was absolutely certain he just got kicked through the railing and to his death. Before he could contemplate this (or the second shriek rising up his throat), he saw Lausac in the dim light of the buzzer flip over the railing and dive down toward him. Within a second Lausac had caught up with him, grabbing Orange by the arm.

“Pretty cool, right?” he asked casually.

“Yes?”

This seemed to be the proper answer to anything Lausac asked.

“Get ready for something even cooler.”

Orange winced, knowing that anything Lausac defined as cool was likely to give him a heart attack. Lausac grabbed at one of the rails and swung on it, passing completely through the platform like a ghost and fortunately bringing Orange with him. Given the near complete lack of light he wasn’t entirely sure what happened next, but the next thing he knew he was clinging to Lausac’s arm and standing on a wall in a manner that defied gravity.

“This is probably the right floor.” Lausac mused, rubbing his chin. “Yeah, this is it. Oh, by the way, don’t let go of my arm or you’ll die. No homo.”

Homosexuality was the absolute last thing on Orange’s mind. “G-Got it…”

Lausac leaned back and dragged Orange through the wall into what he assumed to be a space between two floors. Orange winced as his eyes tried to adjust to the light, however soft it was. The room was a maze of colorful, glowing pipes that the two walked through like mist. Staring in awe, Orange didn’t even notice that they were on the ceiling now. He was transfixed by the complex shapes the pipes formed as they twisted around each other and disappeared into the walls like the branches of a whimsical fairytale tree. Was this the plumbing system? If it was, it certainly wasn’t like anything Orange would have ever seen on Terre. Against his better judgment he reached out to touch one of the “pipes”, only for his hand to pass through it. Before he could lament his inability to potentially kill himself by poking something, Lausac stopped.

In the light, Orange had a better look at his “companion”. His attire was rather odd (at least by Orange’s standards; he figured that what Lausac was wearing was probably typical fashion on his planet): he wore a catsuit of some sort that seemed to cover every part of his body except his head. It was covered in lines that looked like they should have been glowing in the dark, all converging in a circle on his chest. There were a number of straps on his limbs that Orange couldn’t place any sort of purpose on until Lausac produced a key out of one near his shoulder.

There was nothing special about the rest of his appearance: his hair was a mess and not quite as vividly orange as Orange’s and maybe his eyes were just a bit too reptilian, but the only other feature of note were the pairs of moles under his eyes. Orange squinted, noticing that they looked more like painted markings than moles. The outermost two were hollow, while the innermost ones were nothing more than dots.

He also happened to notice that Lausac was staring right back at him, looking mildly disturbed.

“No homo.” Orange assured him after an awkward silence.

Mutually deciding not to let the staring contest last any longer, Lausac jammed the key into the lock of the trapdoor that was beneath them. Orange wondered why there was a trapdoor installed on the ceiling, but figured that his ceiling was someone else’s floor. Namely the floor of whoever’s apartment they were about to invade.

Lausac swung through the trapdoor, tugging Orange into it before he had the chance to look back. He hit the ground with a thunk, scrambling to get up and stay up after repeatedly violating the laws of gravity. Lausac nonchalantly kicked the trapdoor shut and walked past Orange.

“Hey, if you can phase through things, why’d you need that trapdoor?” Orange asked, genuinely curious.

“Can’t phase through this floor. Flannie had it magically reinforced.”

“…Who’s Flannie?”

Lausac chuckled and looked back over his shoulder.

“Flannie, my friend,” he began, flipping a light switch and revealing the mess of frilly outfits and lingerie surrounding them, “is today’s victim.”

Baffled, Orange wasn’t sure if he should blush or continue with his inquiries. Eventually he decided on both.

“Is this… is this a panty raid?” he asked, not sure how he felt about this. He was very opposed to anything even mildly inappropriate, but he was grateful that he wasn’t about to be ordered to strangle someone to death for the sake of some sadist’s twisted enjoyment instead.

…Maybe he was getting ahead of himself. Just because Lausac hadn’t brought a rope and there was no one immediately visible didn’t mean that wasn’t about to happen. After all, just being in a closet with inexplicitly visible lingerie didn’t necessarily limit their activities to panty raiding.

“Glad to see that you’re catching on.” Lausac confirmed, much to Orange’s bittersweet relief.

“Well, it seems like you have everything handled, so why did you call me?” Orange continued firmly, not quite intending to be as passive-aggressive as he sounded. He just wanted it to be very clear that he disapproved of Lausac’s lewd activities, and if by some miracle that got him out of here then so be it.

“Orange, Orange, Orange,” Lausac sighed, draping an arm around his shoulder. Orange wondered how he knew his name, but decided his name was likely in the directory with his number and left it at that. “Don’t you get it? It’s not about getting help, it’s about breaking in the interns!”

“Like an initiation ceremony?”

Lausac slapped him on the back in what seemed like approval, “Exactly like an initiation ceremony!”

His next question came with a bit of hesitancy. “So why… Flannie? Do you, like…”

He looked back and forth, “Like like her?”

At a previously thought to be physically impossible speed, Lausac grabbed him by the collar.

“You ever imply that again and your organs will become my personal decorative paperweights faster than you can regret it.” He threatened.

“That’s a weird threat.”

“Your mom’s a weird threat.”

“My mom is dead.”

Much to Orange’s surprise, Lausac’s expression changed. He loosened his grip on Orange, almost looking like he felt bad. Not having intended any shift in mood by his comment – though in retrospect he wasn’t sure why he assumed anyone else would take it as lightly as he thought – Orange quickly changed the subject.

“So, um… panties.”

“Right. Panties.”

Lausac backed off of him and turned around, heading deeper into the closet. Orange followed closely behind, looking back at the wide collection of lingerie behind them. It didn’t even occur to him that they were walking through a closet that shouldn’t possibly be so deep. He was more concerned with getting out of here as quickly as possible.

“Um, sir? Aren’t there some right there?”

“Dumbass. Those are decoys. Do you really think anyone would just leave their underwear right there in plain sight, right where some panty thief could just snatch them up and be on their way? Hell no. Go on, grab one. I dare you.”

Orange moved to the very center of the closet, making sure he didn’t step anywhere near anything on the floor. “I’d rather not.”

“Good. Really boring when interns die to stupid shit like that. By the way, I like the ‘sir’ thing. Keep it up.” Lausac approved, for better or worse.

“I take it you do this a lot?”

“Pretty regularly, yeah. Now, let’s make this quick. We probably only have ten minutes left.”

“What happens in ten minutes?” Orange asked, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

“You’ll see.” Lausac laughed, “You’ll see…”

At the end of the absurdly long closet was a large mirror, which Lausac promptly walked through before remembering to go back and drag Orange through as well. What awaited them on the other side was mess of lasers guarding a comically-sized safe with more locks than he could count.

“Doesn’t this seem a little over the top to you?” he asked, furrowing his brow. Were panties really this important? Who could possibly care so much about their underwear to go this far, and who could possibly care enough to keep stealing them at this point? Whoever Flannie was, Orange suspected her and Lausac’s relationship ran a little deeper than “he conducts panty raids on her a lot”.

“Nah. Not nearly over the top enough.” Lausac disagreed. “Now get moving.”

Continuing to be unable to utter a word before becoming the target of one of Lausac’s impulsive actions, Lausac shoved him in the middle of the maze of laser beams. Orange prepared for the bittersweet embrace of death, only to have a loud blaring sound fill his ears instead. Not on fire or split into pieces, Orange opened his eyes to see Lausac running up ahead to the safe.

“Why the hell are you just standing there? You got a deathwish or something?!” Lausac shouted to him.

Not seeing any imminent threat, Orange shouted back, “What’s that supposed to mean?!”

Right on cue, the alarms fell silent as one of the walls opened up and revealed a massive robot. It was incredibly bulky and covered in hatches that presumably held all sorts of nasty weapons – and that wasn’t counting the number of guns that were visible on its arms and legs already. It also happened to be inexplicably covered in bows and ribbons, and its pure white coloring gave it the appearance of porcelain.

However, despite its coloring slimming it considerably, it was so huge that it got stuck in the entryway and found itself unable to reduce either of the two to horribly mangled piles of bloody flesh. Lausac stopped, looking disappointed.

“Damn. That’s it? I thought we were gonna get to fight something.” He sighed.

“I don’t know, I think it’s for the best. I mean, I can’t fight or anything, so…”

Lausac raised an eyebrow, “Really? You don’t have any powers or anything?”

“Nope, nothing.”

“You can’t even punch things?”

“I can’t even feel anything in my arms.” Orange admitted.

“Why? C’mon, tell me you’ve got robot limbs that shoot rockets or something.”

“Sorry, sir. They’re just normal prosthetics.” He apologized, scratching the back of his head. That was sort of a lie, but Orange didn’t know how big of a lie it was. It was impossible to tell he had prosthetics just by looking at him: they looked and functioned so naturally that sometimes even he forgot they were fake. The technology here astounded him, but from what he understood there was some amount of magic involved in the process as well. That story, however, wasn’t entirely relevant to the matter at hand, so Orange decided to end that trail of thought as Lausac spoke up again.

“Man, that’s fucking lame. You’re, like, the most worthless intern I’ve ever met.”

Orange’s shoulders drooped, but he tried to remain looking as positive as possible. “That’s… that’s one way to put it…”

“Whatever. Guess we lucked out that we don’t have to fight that thing, then. I’d be pulling all your weight, and that shit’s annoying.” Lausac shrugged.

“Yeah, that was pretty convenient, huh? It’s also really nice that it hasn’t attempted to kill us from where it’s standing or anything.”

“Sure, whatever. Anyway, back to busine-“

For once, Lausac was the one who was interrupted, though given the reason why Orange would have preferred to bear the burden of unfinished thoughts alone. The giant robot broke through the entrance, nearly toppling over as it entered the room. Dozens of guns burst forth from its body, all of them aimed directly at the two.

“I AM THE PROTECTOR OF ALL NAUGHTY TAILORINGS BENEATH OUTERWEAR. PLEASE STAND AND DIE.” Bellowed The Protector of All Naughty Tailorings Beneath Outerwear.

Though Orange appreciated The Protector of All Naughty Tailorings Beneath Outerwear saying “please”, he really didn’t want to die on a panty raid on his first day on the job. Orange bolted toward the mirror as The Protector of all Naughty Tailorings Beneath Outerwear opened fire on the pair, only to realize Lausac wasn’t with him. Normally he would have just continued onward and hoped Lausac could handle himself (it wasn’t like Orange could do anything to help him, anyway), but he sort of needed Lausac to pass back through into the closet.

“Mr. Lausac, sir, what the hell are you doing?!” he shouted as he watched Lausac continuing onward toward the safe. “I’m pretty sure it can’t follow us through here!”

“I’m getting what I came here for!” Lausac shouted back before running into the safe and hitting it with a thud. Orange could hear him swearing from the other side of the room.

“I’m pretty sure if you can’t just pass through the wall that you can’t pass through a safe you’re not supposed to be in, sir!”

“Shut the fuck up, Orange!”

Rather than running back and ditching the scene (hopefully with Orange), Lausac immediately proceeded to start shooting at the different locks with something Orange couldn’t see from where he was: his hands were in the shape of a gun and everything lined up properly, so he went with that.

“Is this really that important to you?!” Orange yelled again, borderline screaming.

“No!”

“What?!”

Orange wasn’t expecting Lausac to give him an answer (at least not a reasonable), but he wouldn’t have even had a chance to. Another hulking figure arrived on the scene, bursting through the wall opposite of The Protector of All Naughty Tailorings Beneath Outerwear. It was only half as large as The Protector of All Naughty Tailorings Beneath Outerwear, but far more ominous. It was vaguely humanoid with blood-red hair that writhed around it like tentacles. Its flesh was dark and aged, its eyes were sunken and soulless, and its long limbs ended in sharp claws. The only thing that didn’t fit the picture was the white, fluffy bathrobe it was wearing, but given the situation they were in Orange didn’t pay much mind to it.

“Oh yeah! Remember when I said we had ten min-“

“CAN WE PLEASE LEAVE”

“All right, all right, damn! Calm down, you pussy!” Lausac finally gave up, racing back and probably dislocating Orange’s shoulder as he grabbed him and rolled through the mirror, somehow completely unscathed. He didn’t stop for a second to think once they were on the other side, following Lausac through the trap door. Just as Lausac reached the point in the wall they came through earlier, the monster crashed through the ceiling, hissing.

“YOU BASTARD! YOU REALLY THINK I’M GOING TO LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN?!” it shrieked in a woman’s voice, distorted and horrid.

“Absolutely!” Lausac shouted back at it like he was enjoying himself before phasing through the wall with Orange.

“I really don’t think you should be making it any angrier.” Orange advised in a panic.

Lausac rolled his eyes as he started running down the side of the stairwell. “You’re no fun.”

Before they had even passed through one flight, the monster burst through the wall and started clawing its way down the space between the platforms like a rabid animal chasing a meal. Orange tried his very hardest not to scream, only succeeding because everything was going by so quickly.

“I CAN’T WAIT TO SHRED THAT SMUG GRIN OFF OF YOUR FACE!” it screeched, clawing at the pair and getting far too close for comfort. Thanks to its elongated limbs it was able to climb down the stairwell far faster than Lausac could run and Orange could be dragged, leading to it cornering them in no time.

“Damn, she’s really steamed today.” Lausac grumbled, turning around so quickly that Orange was pretty sure his shoulder was dislocated now.

“Can’t you just go through her? Or, you know, one of the walls?!” Orange asked frantically, not understanding why they weren’t on the opposite side of the building by now.

“Wow, you really aren’t any fun. Fine, fine, if you insist.”

Much to Orange’s horror, Lausac proceeded to stop on one of the platforms, release his arm, and go through the wall without him. He immediately felt the wall for a door, his skin going cold upon realizing he was on a platform between floors. His first instinct was to race up or down the stairs to a door, but the fevered pounding around him indicated that that wasn’t an option if he wanted to escape unscathed. Unable to think of any other option, he closed his eyes and tried to make himself as small a target as possible. Though it seemed like forever, it only took a few seconds for the monster to give up and for him to feel it staring down at him. He looked up and naturally found himself unable to see it in the darkness, which was probably the best for his composure.

“INTERN?” it spoke, sounding significantly calmer but still very irritated.

“Intern.” Orange repeated, hoping that was what he was supposed to say.

“DID YOU TAKE ANYTHING?” it asked, almost gently. Orange shook his head furiously, forgetting for a moment that neither of the two could see each other.

“No. I didn’t even want to be there.” He answered.

A moment of silence Orange hadn’t expected to have with such a being passed. The monster lifted one of its hands, unblocking the set of stairs leading downward. It nudged him gently toward it, though he would have followed suit even if it hadn’t. He stepped down the stairs as carefully as possible, clinging to the railing like his life depended on it. His legs were having a much harder time than he expected, though he chalked it up to not having run so fast in a long time. He could feel the burn in one of them, so he would have expected nothing less from the other.

Orange embraced the door like a lover when he finally reached it, pushing it open and adoring the light that blinded him for a few seconds. Hearing a familiar terrible creaking sound behind him, he turned around to see the door closing. He stood there for a few seconds, staring as if he expected something to happen. Evidently the monster had decided Lausac was no longer worth pursuing, but Orange wasn’t going to complain.

Besides, he had a far more important problem: Lausac had never given him his buzzer back, and so now he was stranded in an unfamiliar part of the building with clients probably trying to contact him. And if Lausac picked up the phone for him, given his personality… Orange shuddered at the thought. But he had no idea where Lausac had gone, nor did he have any idea where he could find anyone to help him that wouldn’t flay him alive for losing his buzzer (though perhaps he was overreacting a bit).

Just as he began to feel sweat beading on his skin, the hellish creaking returned. Alarmed, Orange turned around again so quickly he nearly gave himself whiplash. Standing in the doorway was a petite woman with bright blue eyes and red hair that almost reached the floor, clad in nothing but a fluffy white bathrobe and slippers.

Not only did he immediately recognize the bathrobe as the same one the monster had been wearing, he recognized the girl before him as another one of the Representatives: Flann Fennella. As with all of the other Representatives (minus Lausac), she had only been given a one-line description along with her photo (presumably for security purposes), so he knew little else about her. Her description had been little more than “don’t make her angry”, which was something Orange understood quite well at this point.

So, here he was, face to face with yet another highly-ranked member of the overlord’s force. And here he was, once again having a terrible first experience with a highly-ranked member of the overlord’s force. Feeling rather embarrassed with his performance record thus far, he was relieved when Flann spoke up first.

“Oh my goodness! Are you okay?!” she yelped, covering her hands with her mouth. Evidently he didn’t have much cause for relief.

“Your leg! Your leg’s all… messed up!” she informed him frantically, pointing at his left leg. Orange looked down at the leg in question, immediately noticing that his calf was leaking a black, glittering substance he hadn’t seen for a while. Though he hadn’t noticed it in the dark when he was being dragged along faster than he could run, the injury explained why he was struggling so much with the stairs just a while ago.

“Oh,” he remarked as if there was nothing there, “I guess I must’ve gotten hit by that robot at some point.”

Baffled by his nonchalance, Flann walked up to him with an eyebrow raised before crouching down to get a better look at the wound. She noticed the color of his “blood” and almost immediately seemed to understand.

“Oh, this is…” her voice trailed off.

“It’s a prosthetic.” Orange finished for her politely. “It doesn’t hurt or anything, so it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Not that big of a deal?!” she exclaimed in disbelief, rising to her feet. “I knew PANTBO was a bad idea! Stupid Lausac and his stupid panty raids, always stupidly bringing defenseless interns, he’s so stupid!” she fumed, her hair literally standing on end.

“The Protector of All Naughty Tailorings Beneath Outerwear?” Orange asked, hoping to divert her attention away from Lausac. It was clear his very existence angered her, and from what he had learned he was operating under the assumption that anger prompted her to transform into an even angrier monster. It seem to work, as Flann’s hair fell back to her sides.

“Yeah. Getting myself a giant robot to guard my panties seemed like a good idea at the time, but in retrospect maybe I shouldn’t jump on Drew’s ideas so fast…” Flann sighed.

Hadris recommending the installation of a huge mech to deal with panty thieves somehow didn’t come as a surprise to Orange.

“Well, I think you should prioritize keeping him out rather than getting him out.” Orange advised. “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but he has a trapdoor installed on the floor of your closet.”

Flann’s eyes widened. “What?! Damn it, I knew just making it so he couldn’t pop up through the floor wasn’t gonna be enough! Jeez, what a pain in the ass… well, thanks for telling me.”

“No problem. I’d want someone to tell me if there was a trapdoor in my closet if someone kept trying to steal my panties.” He responded with a smile, not realizing how bizarre that sounded until after he had finished saying it.

“Of course! I’m glad that there are people that think like you around!” Flann grinned. “And, hey, I’m really sorry for all the fuss. This happens a lot more often than I’d like it to, I’m afraid. But if there’s anything I can do to make it up for you, I’m there!”

Given the circumstances, Orange was more than willing to take her up on her offer.

“Actually, I’m not sure if this is anything you can help me with, but Lausac took my buzzer when we met and never gave it back. I kind of really need it, so if there’s anything you could do to help I’d really appreciate it.” He mentioned.

“Ugh, that jerk. Yeah, no problem. I can definitely get that back for you, even if I have to pry it from his cold, dead hands!” she promised cheerfully.

Looking down at his leg again, he noticed that “blood” was beginning to collect on the floor.

“I’d also really appreciate it if you could give me directions to a hospital.”