[FRAG] Grieve in Blood

Everything was white.

Morning Star blinked, but the whiteness didn't fade. Neither did the foggy mist in his mind. What was he doing, again?

He looked down. He thought he had been holding something, but there was nothing in his hands. He wasn't wearing his normal shirt, either. He hadn't worn a T-Shirt since he was young... since he'd lived with Neb and Hour Star.

The whiteness pulled at his vision, making it swarm. There was no sound in the empty space he was in now. It was quiet, and peaceful, but something nagged at him, like he didn't quite belong here.

why do you think that?

Morning Star recoiled from the voice, but it seemed to echo everywhere and nowhere at once. There was no hiding from it - he knew, intrinsically. There was a sense of fear in him, but he wasn't sure why.

you don't have to be scared... 
but i do apologize for startling you.
i know this can be scary for newcomers.

He was beginning to get the distinct feeling that there was a mistake. That he wasn't supposed to be here.

no, you are.

He supposed that was supposed to be comforting. It didn't really work. 

i'm sorry.

Morning Star blinked, slowly, drawing a breath in. Who are you? he thought, projecting it aimlessly into the mindscape.

i've gone by many names.
you can call me anything you like.

That's not an answer.

it's not, no. it's the kind of answer i like to give.
but you wanted something tangible, right?
you already know who i am, anyways.
you're just scared to admit it.

No, I don't.

lying to yourself only prolongs how long i have to keep you here.

Morning Star rubbed his forehead. He didn't even know where he was.

ah... i guess it is rather confusing.
don't worry, though. you're not in trouble, or anything.
and nothing will happen while you are here. 
think of it like i froze time, and then picked you up and put you here.

that's not what happened, to be clear. this is all...
taking place within the span of a microsecond of a microsecond
of a mircosecond.

but it's easier to explain it like time being frozen.

... i'm sorry if i'm talking too much. i've only done this once before. 

He breathed in slowly. His head hurt.

oh, that's my fault again. i'm sorry. usually i try to be gentler with the...
smaller ones.

This is vague and stupid.

...to the point, aren't you?

but is that who you are, really?

What?

is that who you are?
are you quick and to the point?
dislike beating around the bush, or making excuses for other people?

Morning Star blinked. One snappy comment didn't define who he was.

oh, of course not. one comment doesn't define anyone.
what defines people are patterns. series of patterns, of behavior.

behavior defines sentience, and behavior is fluid. behavior changes.
but change isn't always positive.

What are you getting at?

i have kept my eye on you for a long while, morning star.
i have pulled cosmos and fate together to lead to this moment,
although the way we have arrived to it... is not what i would have liked.

but i admire you for it. despite unfathomable meddling,
you have still carved your own, unique path out of the predestination i had crafted for you.

but i do not consider myself a man of predestination,
and i am glad that you have done what you did.

This moment... this moment....

Oh. Oh stars. The fight, Sundae, Sterling, Magnotris -

unexpected side effects. honestly, i thought you were going to take
a more peaceful route. but there is some moxie in steeling yourself for
doing what you think is right, in the moment.

unfortunately, in doing so, sometimes we become too hardened to the world
closed off, distant

alone and afraid, we lash out at whatever blame feels most justified

and we find ways to excuse even the worst of our actions

Were they talking about him attacking the Overseers? But that was justified. They had ignored the problems of their people. They had abused Sterling. An unjust government did not deserve power, respect, or wealth.

that is what i am talking about,
but do not mistake my words for justification or excuses of their actions

when you are as old as i am
and as ancient as my bones
as primordial as my magic

you learn to play devil's advocate

you learn to look at things from every angle

Looking at Sterling's abuse from a different angle doesn't make it any better.

it does not. there is no excuse.
but you cannot hope to make them truly regret
the impact of their ignorance
if you kill them before they can repent

So what, was he supposed to roll over and placate them with nice words until they decided to not hate Sterling for who he was?

you are so quick to jump to assumptions
to assume that i am telling you what to do

when i would never

it is not my job to tell you how to think, how to act
only to help you reflect

you speak of placating as if it is your only option; death or subservience

how have you warped yourself into thinking
that your only route
is to kill
maim
harm
or to submit

Morning Star frowned. That wasn't what he meant. 

if you looked at yourself in the mirror,

would you be proud of the things you have done?
of the blood that is on your hands?

you regretted the harm that others have done on your behalf
and so you took it upon yourself
you thought to yourself:
'if harm must come of my existence regardless of my efforts,
then i may as well perpetrate such a thing, and be in control,
and ensure that harm only comes to those who deserve it'

but why do you think the people you have harmed deserve it?

i know you will shout justifications at me
you will remind me of their abuse, of their negligence

and yet, in an attempt to lessen the suffering of the world
you have wrought more suffering to it by yourself

you have fueled your friends' anger
you have fueled your own anger

you let it eat you until there was nothing left of you

He didn't.

if i told you

that every shot you took

every person that your gun took a piece from

would die

would you have still fired?

would you have still shot?

still revelled in the violence?

your silence speaks more than words do

but do not think that i judge you, morning star
it is not my place

Then why do this? Why drag him out of the fight to chastise?

is that really what you feel that i am doing?
scolding you, like a parent?

if so, i am sorry.
that was not my intention, but i understand
that my actions have harmed you

my intentions do not matter in the face of that

Then how can you excuse the Overseers? Even if they had good intentions, did their inaction not overshadow that?

i implore you, morning star

i cannot tell you how to think, how to feel, what to choose
if you leave this dream and you kill every overseer,
that is your choice

you always have a choice

i am not here to tell you what to do

but i am here because

i see what can come of this

i can see pain
yours

this is not who you are

He was not some fluffy, nice, sweet little doormat.

did i say you were?

...No.

you have lost yourself in your own self-justifications
in your drive to repair what you sought as broken,

you have lost your empathy
and your compassion

and that is who you were, 
who you are

empathy and compassion does not impose a persona on you

it does not force you to be "nice" or "fluffy"

but you have lost it, all the same, because you think it does
you feel it makes you weaker,

like you cannot accomplish what you seek if you allow it to grow

but there is nothing wrong with empathy, morning star

there is nothing wicked about compassion

i do not pick the people i look after for arbitrary reasons

i saw your empathy

and i knew i had to nurture it

there is not enough empathy in the world, morning star
do you understand that?

i am sure you do

but i am sure you do not

i can tell you about the lack of empathy, but even with a life
as endless as yours, where you can jump
from any world to another
and truly see its horrors,

you still would not understand.

there is no stronger force in this world

than empathy.

compassion

love

i know that you know this
you do not roll your eyes or protest

you know that i speak truth, in your heart of hearts

you hid it away, because it brought you pain

and empathy brings pain
compassion brings pain

it hurts to care

it hurts to care, to try
because if you try, it means that sometimes
you will fail

sometimes, empathy stings
when you see the full brunt of a depressing reality
and you know you cannot change it

these things are all true, they are honest
they are the nature of the beast, so to speak

you cannot have love without equal parts agony

you cannot respect the depths of pure, unfiltered adoration
if you do not taste the deepest, darkest abyss of depression

and i know

that sometimes, it is too much

that it is easier to not care

it is easier to let apathy eat you, absorb you

if you do not care, then you cannot be hurt
when people are harmed, when the world crumbles

but you care

i know you do

because if i told you 
that you killed the overseers
you would regret everything you had done to lead up to this

not because you feel like they did not deserve to die
but because you care about them
despite everything, you care

you care about their lives, about their friends, about the good things that they have done

and you acknowledge their cruel deeds

you have chosen to feel that their cruelty outweighs their good
and yet, you cannot bring yourself to murder them

why is that, morning star

He didn't have an answer.

you do. i know it

but it hurts to speak of it right now
the wounds are still raw

the memories are still fresh
the pain that has been inflicted in your name has disturbed you

you have spent hours, days, weeks lost in thought
ruminating over this pain
letting it soak into every bit of you
until you feel that this pain is your identity
that this pain is who you are 

but that is not who morning star is

you are renown
well-known
admired
respected
understood
adored
for your empathy

for your kindness

because there is not enough in this world
and when you give people kindness, they remember

when you love someone, they remember

when you showed kindness and love to sterling, you gained
a friend, an ally, loyal and true

but what you gave to sterling is more than what he will ever give back
a lifetime of abuse and loneliness

gone

the wounds are still there
but he is not alone anymore

he has a friend

someone who would miss him if he was gone

and the effect your empathy, your compassion, has had on him
cannot be measured in any language

when you gave velvet and contemporize another chance
justified their actions

you took a risk

you knew they could have ignored what you said, 
gone behind your back
bought another slave

but they did not

i watched them

your kindness gave them the room to regret, to reflect
understand the way their actions harmed others
and not act on them again

when you showed kindness to opalescent, you were burned
hurt
shot
bled

but 

if given the chance
would you not still be kind to them?

He wouldn't.

you speak with such conviction

but i see your thoughts, your emotions

on guard, perhaps, you would be
but you would still not turn them away

nor would you turn cynosure away

because you care
despite the cruelty those two subjected you to,
you care

you know it mattered to them, that they had their reasons.

and i know it frustrates you
you do not wish to be a "doormat"

to let people abuse you

but you do not have to lose your empathy and compassion for it

you do not have to tear out everything that is you, everything that makes you up
in order to protect yourself from harm

Morning Star was silent.

there are people who care about you
you are not alone

these people would protect you in an instant, if you asked
or motioned
or gestured
or mimed

they love you and adore you
sterling

magnotris

you are their everything
they need you
they need your love
your empathy
your compassion
your care

if you take away everything
that makes you morning star

what do you have left?

what do you feel?

...Resentment. Frustration. 

No.

Indifference.

apathy

Apathy.

apathy is poison

apathy will kill the world

apathy is quiet
it does not violently fight like anger
it does not whimper and wallow like sadness
it sneaks in

it permeates everything, slowly

it eats all the joy of the world, all the care and all the meaning

i cannot tell you what to do, what to think

but i can tell you

that this path that you have taken

leads only to apathy

apathy, to take the bitterness away
so that you don't have to care 
whether or not you killed someone

the people you hate, the people who frustrated you
who abused you

are marked by apathy

if you follow this path, you follow their footsteps

cynosure, apathetic about the life of another fragment
opalescent, apathetic about the pain that they caused you
your siblings, apathetic about the torture they put you through

all of these people have one thing in common
they do not care

too many people do not care

that is why we need you

we need your care

the world needs it, morning star

you will not win anything by killing people, by harming them

I'm sorry.

there is no need. i understand
i speak from experience

i fought apathy

and it was bitter, and it fought back
and i know how hard it is

it is easy to be apathetic. it hurts less to be apathetic

but if you do not try
then nothing will change

and change
it matters to you, does it not?

change the world, into something better

And you can't do that with apathy.

you can't

But it's too late. He already shot the Overseers. Maybe they weren't dead, but they'd hate his guts afterwards. He'd gone and ruined his one chance to make things better. It was fucking depressing.

please, let me interrupt

it is not too late

your chance is not over

How?

because i am here
and with my power

magic

influence

you can change things for the better

the last time i tried this, it did not work
it did not work as i thought it would

it was my fault
i was lazy
i did not protect him as i should have

when you are free,
please tell sundae i am sorry

Wait-

but

enough about me

you have people to save, morning star

a world to change

and i know just what you need to make it better

Wait, are you-

i,
pyatiugolnik
bestow upon you

my

blessing

And in that split second, the whiteness disappeared.