saturated-soul

saturated-soul:

I want to make it to the other side. I want to know what it’s like to be free. To be able to drive places I wanna, or need to go to whenever. To get out of this environment and build my own home. To decorate my own space and make it feel safe. To discover myself after having to hide, alter and mask for as long as I can remember. To find love from someone who equally chooses and respects me. To learn how to regulate my own emotions. To feel safe in my body.

I want to make it to the other side. I want to know what it’s like to experience again. To go on spontaneous adventures with friends and laugh until we cry. To get out of the house again, go places. Anywhere other than thede four walls with the same people every day. To have a reason to dress up again. To get tattoos from talented artists, feel the adrenaline rush through me. To scream from the top of my lungs at concerts. And to eat, sleep, socialize and live again without the constant anxiety holding me back from everything.

This is not a post of how hopeful I am about my future. I wish I was. This all currently seems so far out of reach, too far out of reach. I want to make it to the other side, but how? I sabotage because I don’t feel worthy and feel like I just can’t do it. I became dependent on medication I can’t be taking for long anymore, I don’t know how to handle life and myself after. With every negative emotion I shut down and the only thing comforting me is the thought that I could end it all so I wouldn’t have to go through this hell on earth anymore.

I want to make it to the other side, but I don’t have the confidence that I ever will.

4 months ago + 16 notes Reblog