i feel like writing so bad. i want to write what this was about. i realized i do not like my voice, i cannot read for a long time while recording, a while back i lied about turning it into a weird video-form essay so you get bits and pieces of it now
back around whenever this was posted and it started making rounds via reblogs i noticed so so so so many tma tags i might as well listen to it and find out for myself? theres the acknowledgement
someone in one of my classes a few months ago recommended i should listen to podcasts and like. yknow what. its actually great to not have to pause a video essay and “save it” for when im actually working since its only an hour or two long. having hours of shit to listen to to shut up the thought spiral is a great prospect actually. i told them about this piece + the same tags about it, they remembered what i was talking about, and pretty much agreed it was tma “coded” that was the word
but um the “original intent” i think i halfheartedly wrote about upon submitting this was just. the overwhelm of being a sheltered child and realizing how complex the world is beyond what you grew up to believe. while having to grapple with whether good or bad things “happen for a (moral) reason” (they do not). i think i even just titled it “Overwhelm” but there’s more to it than that? but that got me thinking about how this piece ties into the way that like children are especially vulnerable to nihilistic ideologies. especially when they prey on your very, very fragile and lost innocence even if it’s something very simple that bursts your bubble
which i realized that doesnt make any fucking sense to someone else because why is the sky eating the lamb.
so i had already talked about overwhelm right. the world is complex etc. everything is owned by someone else, there is no way to evade the system you are growing into, you must find some way to attempt having the same experiences as everyone else, you are dependent on pre-existing rules otherwise you are deprived, and it just. boils down to responsibility. what if you dont fit that expectation or are just so awfully afraid or untrained to. im pretty sure i tried to make the lamb jump up as if to greet a friend despite looking so dangerous and thats just. it. sometimes if you don’t feel suited to the world around you and even if its not Ideal you make friends with “the idea of” scary things and death. you kind of submit to them because they seem more forgiving. this piece feels like it was taken moments away from these two collapsing and melting into strands of color before melding into one
^ i had said “original intent” earlier but it makes more sense now to tie it in as befriending the unnatural. the second meaning of this piece to me is just grandiosity. i love very large environments that seem so intimidating they would either encase you or probably just pull you so far from reality that you lose your corporeal self
anyways out of all my colored pencil pieces from last semester this one feels the most meaningful to me. thus it gets the rambling treatment. i still love it so much. i worry that someone is going to worry about me from this text but it is the exact same way i cope with things each time via just like. using my precious free time to try and forget that i have a body. it’s really healing actually because i recently 2 weeks ago got to sit out in the direct hot sun for 20 minutes with no people around and some slight wind drafts and felt sincerely changed in my mindset. it occurred to me that the environment surrounding me probably loves me
