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Alan Smith has had a very ordinary life. He grew up in a middle class household in Manchester to his parents John and Mary, two very boring people who met at Tesco. Mary was impregnated in the toilets at Tesco whilst John was on his break, thus Alan was conceived and then born in their shitty Manchester flat.
His childhood was so uninteresting and involved actually going outside, so we're going to skip that and get right to what's actually necessary. While working at his own job Tesco in the modern day, because he comes from a long line of Tesco cashiers, he met Ranjeeta. A Bollywood girl who thought he was God. From that day forth she started to stalk him. She had his phone number and sent him nudes often and very lewd text messages - or at least they seemed lewd, but he could never be sure due to her poor English. This got so bad that his girlfriend left him for a guy called Joe who was on benefits. They're married and have 10 kids now. He looks at her facebook often, so he knows what she's up to.
Ranjeeta became a regular at their local Tesco, so he knows her by name now, much to his dismay. However, one fateful day when he was stocking the bean shelves on aisle 3 he got a phonecall. He didn't usually answer phonecalls during work hours, because it was against the rules, however he was feeling rebellious today because he decided not to wear a tie. He answered the phone and it was Ranjeeta and some other asian man or woman??? He couldn't really tell and wasn't aware how offended tumblr would get over how he was trying to gender this person, but the two of them said something about calling upon him to bomb a Japanese teenagers house because she was evil and was going to destroy the world, or soemthing like that. He thought it was fucking weird, but in all honesty he had nothing better to do today so he bombed Sakura Katsune's house in order to help Ranjeeta, he thinks. He wasn't quite sure.
What Alan had not realised, however, is that this would cause Ranjeeta to become more infatuated with him. She was now certain that he was her God, because he answered her prayer (though she didn't realise that a prayer and a phonecall were not the same thing). So helping her, and thus the entire world by defeating Akuma Katsune, had brought more suffering into his own life, as now Ranjeeta called him often to ask for things and to 'pray' to him. She also asked him to bomb anyone she didn't like. And to 'lick it so good'. He tries to ignore her, but it doesn't change anything.
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