I don’t write often, so I’m sorry if any of this sounds jumbled or there’s grammatical errors. This is for a journal my school counselor assigned me since she can no longer do sessions with me. I was never the most fond of her, but she’s the only teacher in this school I talk to. I don’t need to hand in the journal at any due date, so I have time on my hands to write. I don’t understand that system, though. Why would I ever bother if I knew no one was checking? I guess that’s kind of stupid to say now, I’m writing here.

Today, a kid in my class pulled the fire alarm during a test. It was stressful as hell, but I also felt a wave of relief as I left the school. For a split second I was hoping there was actually a fire lol. Sadly, his plan didn’t work and the test was rescheduled for tomorrow. I feel like I should be having anxiety about the test, but recently everything seems like it shouldn’t concern me. It almost feels like I’m not the one having to do the work… that doesn’t make any sense. I got a 65% on my last biology test, so I’m hoping this time I can get the same or better. I don’t feel like failing a course 2 months into the school year.

Loretta was in the other class line as I went out for the fire drill. She is in P.E. when I have biology. We waved to each other, which is always nice. I’ve felt less alone since Loretta decided to hang out with me. I’m not as excited as her other friends, but she genuinely seems to enjoy my company. I really like her for that, even if it’s pretending I would take anything at this point. I hope we can stay close through highschool, or at the least I can make other friends through her.

I remember my English teacher telling me to always put indents at the beginning of essays. This isn’t an essay, but it looks more ‘professional’. I like looking professional despite still feeling like a ten year old. I have recently been collecting dress shirts to wear. I get them from the thrift store downtown. My dad took me down there this weekend with him as well to run some errands. He never takes me out, so I was confused. I realized his intentions pretty quickly though, he just wanted to ‘knock some sense into me’ and knew I wouldn’t come out of my room to ever have a talk with him. I wonder if he ever thinks he's the reason I stay in my room.

I won’t go on about what he said just in case he ever reads this, which in that case fuck you for looking though my stuff. Asshole. My dad is the polar opposite of me, it sometimes feels impossible to bond with him. I gave up bonding with him years ago, I feel so unsafe around him even on that downtown trip I almost felt like running away instead of getting into his car. He has never been a good father figure, so I will be very surprised if there are any changes in the near future. My plan for now is to cut him off as soon as I move out. I don’t like thinking about it too much though, the future gives me anxiety. I like the age I am at now, too young to have the pressure of getting the job and old enough for independence. I stay in my room all day and play on my computer.

I have been trying to learn how to draw again recently, but it feels uncomfortable to hold my stylus now. I haven’t drawn anything besides schoolwork doodles since February. I miss drawing Chiyuko, so I’ve been trying to wrack up the motivation to do that again. Loretta said my school doodles were the best art she’s ever seen, and I now feel the urge to prove to her that isn’t my full art skill. I’m worried it is my full art skill now, though. I can barely do cell shading at this point. I need to stop thinking about it for now, the topic makes me anxious.

I remembered the tab thing again. No there isn’t erase marks because I originally forgot…you’re delusional. I went to my dads family this weekend, they live out in the countryside of San Braun next to the campsite. I’m not really close to any of them so bonding is often uncomfortable. This weekend was the worst of it, though. I got really overwhelmed with the group of people and ended up having a panic attack which was really embarrassing to do in front of your entire family.

My dad ended up getting mad and dragging me back to the tents we were staying in. I should mention we were in a campsite… Anyways, I’ll also not go into detail about what he did there. I haven’t felt that good since, so I’ve been trying to take it easy and do things I enjoy. Rotting in my bed. I haven’t gone to school at all this week, laying down is too comfortable for education.

Also, I got a 36% on that biology test, better luck next time I guess.