shimizu nozomi

The following is an audio recording made by Yasuda Shiori.

[ 23:20 02/22/2015 ]

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. I have lived 8030 more days than I was supposed to. Mm… (the audio recording breaks up as something is readjusted. The sound of metal clanging can be heard.) Gojo and Shoko remembered it. They left me a strawberry shortcake and a new insulated coffee mug on my desk. I can’t remember the last time I had cake on my birthday, can you Naosu? (There’s near silence for a moment.) I keep track of how many days I’ve lived that I shouldn’t and I can hear Dr. Nishikido telling me how unhealthy that was. A predisposition to the afterlife, death, and the macabre was a fast path to poor mental health, Shiori! He always wanted me to do that autobiography. I never did it. They already had enough assumptions about why I was the way I was.

What’s my own history anyways? My parents would remember it differently. So would the staff at the hospital. Principle Masamichi and my classmates would remember it differently too. Is the benefit just so I can say the version I own? That it’s out into the world that Yasuda Shiori was here and that this is how she remembers things. (There’s a grumble of discontent and some metal scraping against glass) Okay. Who am I?

My name is Yasuda Shiori. I am a pisces. I was born on February twenty second of 1993 at ten pm. My mother is actress Nikaido Ayame and my father Yasuda Shota. He was previously an actor but now does most of his work in producing and directing. I was born through an emergency c-section. My heart did not beat for the first eighteen minutes I was in this world. I was born with an atrial septic defect and required surgery shortly after birth in order to close the hole. That was my first surgery. My second came at age four when the heart problems went away and was an attempt to repair the Tricuspid Valve. It was around that time that they officially diagnosed me with Ebstein Anomaly. I think I lived normal outside of that then. I can’t remember much of the time I was with my parents. (There’s a heavy sigh.)

My innate technique developed when I was six. I am the only sorcerer in my family that I know of. It went poorly. I started seeing them wherever they were. Back then, I only thought they were monsters that I somehow knew everything about. I knew how strong they were, the way they fought, the way the energy flowed through their body and how they were put together. I could understand it as easily as the doctors who read my lab results and scans. My parents didn’t understand and I think it likely embarrassed them. They were high profile. They’re high profile now. As a family we were privileged to have such success, unless you counted me. At times, I’ve wondered why they fought so hard to keep me alive and to repair my heart when the repair failed. Things would have been easier that way.

I’m sure it was hard for them to balance. Was it incredibly early onset schizophrenia? Had my heart killed some of my brain? Was it psychosis? On top of that, there was still the case of my failing heart. It was three surgeries by that point with little success. I’ve always wondered what they felt when they were able to drop me off at the Matsuzawa Institute. From the website online, it looks nice. I’m sure for my parents it was the perfect solution for their crazy daughter. I thought I was going home after the heart transplant. I was so looking forward to being out of the hospital. That was supposed to be it. I had a new heart and I’d just need medicine for the rest of my life. I’d need check ups but wasn’t I free? I don't know what happened to the stuff in my room. I never saw it again at any rate and after I was checked in, I never saw my parents again either. I suppose I could tune in every Thursday to see my mother if I really wanted to.

I was seven and I was the youngest there. There were some other minors but mostly it was an adult population. It was located in Touji which was beautiful. You could always hear the beach outside. I think they took me to it once? (Shiori clears her throat and strums on the table with her fingers for a moment before continuing.) I don’t remember much of my years there. THey start to blend together. I was there for nearly eight of them, though, and I've never lived around more curses in my life. There was no escaping them, though at times some of them were preferable to the doctors. I knew I wasn’t crazy. I just couldn’t control myself enough to convince the staff. I expect now even if I had, I wouldn’t have been released. While I never spoke to my parents, I assume the money continued to come. It all became a haze of drugs and violence. Any resistance was met with equal or greater force. If you were too much of a problem, you’d be restrained until they decided you didn’t need it anymore. I never knew you could get so stiff laying down, but you can. Dignity wasn’t found there. Most of the curses were sad, hate filled things and they bothered me constantly. If I close my eyes and think I can still feel them dragging on my bed as I drift off into sedation. To be restrained and have one sitting on you. They fed there without ever having to do much. The staff did a majority of the work for them.

I dont know how Masamichi found me but he did. Shortly before I turned fifteen, he came and got me. I wish I could say I remember the joy I felt or anything but I can’t. I know it was one of the best days of my life but all I can remember is seeing his face and the sound of the water. Frankly I don’t even know if those are memories of that day or things I’ve pulled to give me something. I had been on a heavy cocktail of haldol, depakote, and paxil along with my immunosuppressants and heart medications. It took some time to safely come down off of them and for me to start functioning as a human again. I’d like to say I left there with no damage but I did. The new heart I had been given had been fried from the years of medication I never should have been on. It still races and beats irregularly. I have to take medication for my low blood pressure. I still shake at times. My kidneys don’t work like they should. I wonder if my parents would still have saved their shame if they had known this is where I would end up? I assume the answer is yes. They still parade around like I'm a vegetable living in their mountain mansion. Icons in the world of advocating for children with disabilities.

But here I am. More damaged than when we started.

I was able to attend the school though I think everyone around me knew I was never going to be effective at actually going on missions. Physically I couldn’t keep up and I just didn’t have the well of cursed energy they did. I was useful, though. When was information not useful? I found a home in the library in lieu of socializing. It was hard after having spent so much time alone. It was also nice to catch up on all the years I missed out on. I believe Masamichi kept his promise to me and very few people at the school outside of faculty knew where I came from. Gojo did but there seems to be very little he doesn’t find out and Shoko does, but I’m not sure if that’s from Masamichi or from myself. Sometimes she picks up my prescriptions for me.

Soon, everything with Geto happened. I realized then that things would change. One day, something else would happen. It hasn’t yet and I hope I'm still here at the library when it does. I don't know if I would survive it. (Shiori laughs) I tried my best to make friends during school. Takeshi and a couple of his friends welcomed me into their group. We started seeing each other during second year, though it doesn’t really seem to match the description of courting and romance I’ve always read about. There was no real public displays or acknowledgements. He said it was because it was our business but again, now I wonder if it wasn’t some degree of embarrassment. I talked too much and about too many things no one was interested in. People are hard in comparison to curses. I thought I loved him, though, and for that time it was important. It had been years devoid of that feeling and I wasn't sure I was ever going to be able to experience it again. Now, I dont think it was love in the true sense of the word. I think I craved his affection, the acknowledgement….For however many hours he gave me out of his day, I was special and desirable during them. I dont need that so much now, but at sixteen it was important. He died shortly after we graduated. I do remember that. He woke up that morning and left, promising to come back that evening. He never did. I didn’t go to the funeral. There was no point. He wasn’t alive anymore and I quickly found out my importance in his world was far less than I thought it had been.

(The tape crackles for a moment and no more talking is heard for a minute.) I like my life now though. It’s quiet. I spend all day in the library reading and sometimes someone will come in and we can talk. I like helping the kids. I am important here. When they need exact information about a curse, I can tell them. I know I’m just the ghost in the library or Gojo calls me the most important book we have on curses but it’s better than where I was. If i have to live out my life, at least it can be here.