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ADDERPAW
INFP-T
ANXIOUS AND AWKWARD
always a little ruffled and unkempt, there’s a nervous energy about this lad, from the way wide eyes dart around to keep constant track of his surroundings to the way a casual unexpected greeting might cause a long tail to fluff up and an apprentice to jump about three feet into the air. dark brown fur is broken up by darker stripes not unlike the serpent he was named for, two long upper canines visible even with a closed mouth adding a bit of charm to a gangly cat who hasn’t quite grown into his legs or paws just yet.
he's only gotten taller with age, still not grown into legs that only seem to keep getting longer. paws carrying the young tom with obvious hesitation, there's a sadness behind eyes that have seen too much in too short a time. he's endured more loss in the span of a couple of moons than most cats have in a lifetime -- and while at last shadowclan seems to be getting a tiny break, grief still lingers heavily on an apprentice's mind. though those closest to him have finally started to see tiny smiles and moments of something close to content return to the tabby... perhaps the end of the dark storm that's hovered above him is finally in sight.
to say he's been through it would be an understatement -- 'nervous' is the face that most see at a glance, and it's easy enough to dismiss him as just a nervous, fearful cat. and on a surface level, that's certainly true -- even before facing down some frightening hazards, adderpaw was a nervous individual, prone to imagining the worst outcome of any situation and really... when all of your thoughts end in death or disaster, is it any wonder you're a nervous wreck? coupled with the pervasive desire to shadow and try to keep braver and bolder cats like his brother, sparkpaw, out of trouble, it's little wonder that much of adderpaw's life involves anxiety and fear. and while his brother no longer resides in shadowclan... he's still fretful for his companions and his close friends now, prone to trying to make sure nothing bad befalls them, especially after terrible things seem to have happened to so many in his life.
to call him Only anxious, however, is a disservice to a young tom with a lot to offer the world -- though adderpaw himself isn't always aware of his greatest strengths. extreme caution betrays just how perceptive he is, observant to a fault and always aware of just about everything going on around him. a young cat likely more privy to others' secrets than anyone gives him credit for, at least he isn't usually one to share or spill the beans, even if sometimes he wishes he could do that instead of trying to help everyone himself. a mind that goes a mile a minute is sharper than most give it credit for as well; while racing thoughts and too many ideas to count are as much a blessing as they are a curse, those who get to know him and engage in more intimate conversation with the young cat will learn that he's smart, sensitive, and prone to deeper insight and commentary than most expect out of him.
he'll never be a war hero or even a cat to earn his name from bravery or boldness, and that's alright -- his aspirations are simpler, beginning some days with just breathing and taking time to enjoy the tiny things in life, rather than worrying about everything instead. learning to appreciate life in his own way hasn't been a quick process, but he's learning to rely on other cats, and has made a lot of quiet progress from the nervous wreck of an apprentice he used to be. learning his own coping strategies and ways to mitigate fearfulness, he's beginning to challenge some of his perceptions and anxieties... it isn't always a pleasant time, but with reliance on cats that care about him, it is progress, and progress is important!
tall
lanky, leggy
born to maplegaze and swiftspark alongside a twin brother, sparkpaw, adderpaw would never get the chance to know his father. swiftspark died before his sons were born, and sparkpaw received his own name in part because of their father’s passing. a very nervous and meek kitten who preferred to stick close to his mother’s side over exploring and trying to get into mischief, adderkit found more enjoyment sitting and listening to the few elders that remained in the clan after the war and the fire. tales of horrors past probably weren’t entirely meant for kit ears but he certainly absorbed them all the same, often having nightmares of war and flames never seen and waking up with yowls of panic after thrashing enough to wake up maplegaze. recurring night terrors in general were common for him, and remain somewhat common to this day, though they seem to be getting less frequent the older he gets.
despite his cautious, nervous nature, when he saw his dearest brother sneaking out of camp one day, he felt obligated to tag along, fretting the entire time about getting found out and in trouble but fretting even moreso about what might happen to sparkkit if he was allowed to go out alone. the memories of that day are burned into his memory more than any fleeting night terror or dream of faraway wars of the past. he can still hear the rumbling, terrifying sound of the monster that approached, heavy enough to make the earth shake and with a droning screech that adderpaw was sure would be the last thing his brother would ever hear, stuck on the path with the beast bearing down upon him. though fortune would favor the mischievous kit that day and leave sparkkit unharmed, just terrified, the two shellshocked kittens were brought back to camp both in various states of shock. adderkit somehow didn’t even mind the fact that they were punished and forced to wait an additional moon before becoming apprentices; if it was up to him, neither he nor sparkkit would ever leave the safety of camp ever again, and that would be just fine!
of course, that didn’t end up happening, and when adderpaw finally did get his apprentice name, he was very nervous about it. and also incredibly nervous for sparkpaw, who seemed to bounce back into his usual recklessness and trouble-seeking tendencies before long. and between training and other expectations. early apprenticehood was much like kithood in terms of following sparkpaw around and making sure he stayed out of trouble -- or trying to, at least, which became much harder now that they were actually allowed out of camp and each had their own duties to perform. adderpaw himself was apprenticed to midnightscar, the massive, and frightening at least in appearances, deputy. while the large, imposing cat was never cruel or negative towards adderpaw, even when he struggled, adderpaw himself felt disappointed enough for both of them with every failure. a shadowclan cat who was afraid of his own shadow was never going to impress somebody so brave, and it was almost a relief when his mentor was called away on a mission from starclan. though saffronstar would take over his training unofficially, it was a far cry from the rigid structure and routine of midnightscar's training, though at least he began to make one friend in saffronstar's actual apprentice, morningpaw.
being an apprentice created new anxieties -- more than once, adderpaw was chosen to go to a gathering, only to end up too anxious to actually leave and ending up staying home instead, usually with his mother, maplegaze, to soothe him. remaining close to the molly who was protective of both of her sons, even if only one wanted that protection, she'd teach him ways to cope just a little better with the nerves that made it hard to even leave the den some days. giving him other things to focus on, including tangible distractions such as feathers, one of adderpaw's favorite possessions would be a large, gorgeous owl feather gifted to him by maplegaze, something that could keep him grounded when he kneaded and held it in times of distress. some part of him knew that he couldn't hide at maplegaze's side forever, but the young cat didn't know just how little time he'd really have to rely upon his mother.
foxes had become a problem in shadowclan over the past couple of moons, left to breed and grow bolder as saffronstar took precious time mulling over solutions, rather than actually trying to solve the problem. it was easy enough for sparkpaw to get the idea to take action into his own paws, likely overhearing some warriors discussing the problem and their disdain for saffronstar's lack of action. if the apprentices went out into the woods and solved the fox problem, then surely they would all gain recognition and respect from shadowclan, and perhaps even earn their names earlier than any apprentice ever had! adderpaw wasn't enthused about this idea, but others in the den were -- morningpaw's sister, swallowpaw, and even morningpaw himself to some extent. outvoted, adderpaw wishes to this day that he'd refused to tag along, that he'd found some warrior in the sparsely-populated camp that day and been brave enough to tattle and get his brother and denmates grounded in camp.
but he did go on that excursion -- and the scene of stumbling across the mutilated body of shadowclan's younger medicine cat, smallfinch, is one that he sees frequently in his nightmares even to this day. despite the grisly scene, their initial encounter with the fox almost went too well, with swallowpaw's bravery and boldness enough to keep anyone from getting injured. when another fox's screech split the air, bravery faltered, and the apprentices turned to head back to camp -- and in their haste, sparkpaw was snatched by more deadly jaws and taken deeper into the forest. dismayed and distressed to notice his brother's absence when they made it home, the tale was relayed to thawspring, morningpaw and swallowpaw's mother, as well as his own mother, who had returned from a patrol shortly before the apprentices' arrival. both mothers would race to try to rescue sparkpaw from the jaws of such a beast... and while they'd be successful, despite all odds, it would be at a terrible cost.
maplegaze would never make it home, and sparkpaw didn't return to camp, either, fleeing at the sight of his mother in fox jaws and unable to be tracked down despite thawspring's best efforts. in a single afternoon, adderpaw lost a mother and a brother, and it was little wonder that he sank into a despair almost too dark to overcome.
shadowclan was thrown into tumultuous, changing times, though adderpaw's memory of the events is a blurred muddle of grief, and he couldn't tell any cat specifics. saffronstar's lack of leadership finally called out by much of the clan, the leader would flee in the middle of the patrol that would exact vengeance against the foxes -- a successful patrol, but one that would leave shadowclan picking up the pieces of shoddy leadership. duskrose, a cat who had only temporarily been deputy until midnightscar had failed to return from starclan's journey, rose into a leadership she had never anticipated.
duskstar at least seemed compassionate to adderpaw's struggles and emotions; finally appointing him a new mentor, something that saffronstar had slacked on after midnightscar's disappearance, he would be apprenticed to duskstar's mate, thawspring. a cat who was sympathetic to adderpaw's losses, and more emotionally in tune than much of shadowclan, she didn't rush in forcing him to get better, and support from morningpaw too at least eased a bit of the ache in adderpaw. though he felt like he was drowning in darkness, there were always at least tiny pinpoints of light to keep him tethered, to reach out when he needed it and keep him moving from one day to the next.
grief wouldn't go away -- he would learn that it never really would -- but some days finally began to get easier than others. missing both his mother and his brother terribly, adderpaw at least finally began to train once more, and find things that could bring even a tiny smile to his face after what had felt like moons of nothing but misery. still learning to cope with loss and the emotions that come alongside it, and aiming to catch up on training that took a backseat during those moons... things, at least, seem to finally be looking up a little.
to be determined!
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