Derek

This is Derek. Derek is an all-powerful eldritch god with unrivaled godly powers by night. But he can't use them because he works the closing shift at Target. He can animorph into a giant snake creature thing with hundreds of cat legs and wings and be made of darkness and suck in all the light around him. But first he has to triple check that there are no TikTok-ers hiding out in the toilet paper and paper towel aisles in the back. Seriously why do people do that.

His arch nemesis is the Target dog statue over the dollar spot area (which is not the ONE dollar spot btw it's the increments of 1 dollar spot. Things there cost 1 or 3 or 5 dollars. Basically none of them are 1 dollar. Please read the price tag, taxes not included) which he accidentally brought to life one day with his magical god deity magic powers of magical magic godliness. Did I mention he's a god? Anyway the Target dog likes to play the stand very still perfectly in place game all day until the store closes and everyone has left except for Derek and then it comes to life and they must battle for the fate of the known universe (and also his Target store) until the morning team comes in then he can just go haunt the streets because it goes back to sleep. Derek doesn't sleep btw. That's not a god thing that's just a Target employee thing.

Unfortunately for Derek's godly godness he seems to slowly be losing his godly god god god god god god god powers gradually and he doesn't know why. Little does he know that his ultimate weakness is actually toilet paper, and the only reason he's slowly dying is because he works the closing shift at Target and is so dedicated to his job that he checks the toilet paper aisles every night before locking the store.