March 16, 2020

This will get updated soon, life has only just become steady again thanks to all that's going on in the world currently. Will try to put in Emb when I can, though. <3

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March 16, 2020

Has had an incredibly... 'Busy' few weeks lately, to put things lightly. Has never quite expected to have spiraled so suddenly and aggressively as she did, starting with the day she took up a fight with 'Brother' that seemed particularly to jab at her insecurities in all the right places. Still so unsure of herself, ashamed in many aspects as she knows why she's been feeding into violence so commonly, but as usual heartbroken when she sees those she knows jumping in at her side. Only one instance seems to avoid her, when she'd broken into a stranger predator's assault on an acquaintance, a tiny doe, Creusillana. She'd been stuck in a one-way, open segment of the ruined church, and things had looked grim. Glad she'd interfered when she did, and thankful for Vikal and Maddox's interference after. Good to see Roman come in with more ability to help, it seemed, yet when it looked like Kaars was now stalking a further off River Stone and Rossamund, ended up watching over the whole situation there, too. And as Kaars instead went for a smaller thing, Vesper, ran in as much as she was able to try and get the assailant off of her.

Things get hazy, though. She'd opened wounds far more than she'd care to admit, and even before these events, she'd hidden away to the Reaches for who knew how long. Prompted by her profound insecurities and bruising nestled close to her heart, and against her better judgment and promise to Carmine, left and found herself immediately in a murky, dreary swamp. It reminded her, somewhat, of their own body of water, only this one you could hardly see the bottom, let alone much past the top of the water. Peat moss and algae made sure work of that. And she could feel that something was wrong, soon as she'd stepped hoof in this place, but she hadn't come here with the hope that things were the opposite.

It doesn't take long to find the meaning for that feeling. Or one of them, anyway. Taking only a few steps closer to the scummy water, she's met with the sudden burst and cascade of water and a creature to source it. But before she could even see the equine-like thing, she could feel herself being pulled deeper, further into the water against her own strength. She panics, and is quite nearly engulfed before she's able to land a sure blow with her free back hoof to the creature's face. She stumbles out, far away from the water's confines, panting and with a few new open wounds along her bad leg. She was not bothered by the sharp-toothed equine again, but she was taking no chances with the kelpie. Staying far from the water now, with a wiser mind (though nobody said she wasn't foolish to begin with), she instead rests for a time. In a space that allowed her to safely watch the swamp waters from a distance so she didn't run into anymore 'surprises', she rests. Only when she feels she is rested enough does she come across the few imbued trinkets she does find: a knot of silk ribbons and a red and gold brooch. Luckily enough, although she had a mind on how to leave, the brooch does just that for her, showing its use to her as she figures her stay here has come to a close. And although she did not go to the forest immediately, was able to hide out in the deeper parts for a few days, if only to hide herself and her shame, which still clung to her close... Which still clings to her even now, even when she thought she was better.

After that, and through some brief returns to the forest the days after, 'officially' returned to her normal routine in the forest when she and Irene had successfully lured 'Brother' back to it, and to a waiting Hlin. Opened wounds in the process of her running, and certainly making sure Irene didn't possibly fall behind, trip, anything, until they'd made it, and went into hiding again as things seemed to be taken over from there. Couldn't fight along even if she wanted to, but glad to do her part in it all, even if the whole ordeal seemed... Bittersweet, in a way. When 'Brother' - now Deadwood - fell finally, lingered close only to be sure. There was no regeneration occurring. It was gone for good.

Put distance and finally tried to relax a bit, content with at least one menace out of the picture. Still wracked with thoughts of her own, though, even as she sat with Abisme. And especially as Carmine came into view.

But even with the mostly positive way in which she'd reunited with Carmine after so long, still haunted by that shadow of shame and guilt and insecurity. The feelings are surely not as powerful as before, but they hold a weight over her at least. And while she knows the source of it, her own actions of late, she has tried to acquiesce against these feelings that long for her to merely mope away her issues, when she knows well that is not the way. Instead, is trying hard to simply do the next right thing she can, taking things day by day, step by step, even when she's chipped away at her own trust in herself, and that in itself is crippling.

March 7, 2020

Feeling increasingly discontented today. Took a walk when she first stepped back into the forest, and after a stop by the pond, made to feel a little distant and more aware of her surroundings from noticing Niklaus in the near distance, staring at her. Took note of the companion at his side, 'Z', and for one reason or other could feel herself anxious and restless after that, expecting something and drawing from prior experiences.

Made the assumption in her mind that she would keep an eye on the goings on from a distance, afraid that he might find her again and she would be near Maddox and Meddog, who had been healing. Just fine with the logic in her mind, and yet her plans crumbled as she noticed Meddog approaching as she stood under the little waterfall of the Idol. Met up with him and at his prompting, followed him to where a sleepy Maddox laid. Could not bring herself to fold her legs and relax, though, and so stayed up to keep a keen eye on their surroundings. Even when nothing in the forest seemed to be stirring with particular vigor, couldn't help but steel herself for something. Coupled with some other particularly vile smells she could find, ended up convincing herself this day would not end in a gentle sunset.

Glad to be joined by Carmine soon after, and it was only a bit later that both she and Meddog seemed to rise aware of the distant sounds of a fight. Found that both Niklaus and 'Z' were after Braam. Went to look a little bit more closely for herself, and then met up with the healer for a time until Braam's distant scent faded and she could only assume he had either been killed or had escaped. Felt no which way on the matter, and turned to leave with Meddog back to their little group on the large rocks.

At this point could not sate a growing itch. Revved up by her own means, could not stand to be still for too long, though did appreciate and take in the proximity and affection she and Carmine gave each other when she went back. Gave affectionate nuzzles to all three of them before slipping quietly off the rock and letting her legs show her the way. First to the pond, to quench an unquenchable thirst, then to random parts of the forest and hills that she, for one reason or another, deemed pleasant. Stopped by Easca, Maija, and Crescent to pay them a gentle hello and once more took to her wanderings. Found by Sabbath as well, and while she had a very keen and distrusting eye on the Cacodaemon in the near distance, stayed in her company for some time. Silent but fine with the proximity, stayed under once more her legs dragged her off.

Still couldn't find the source of her restlessness, of which was quickly growing into some kind of vehement reclusive feeling. Felt she should be alone, but didn't know exactly why. Confused and frustrated with her own self and the lack of understanding, but did manage to calm herself down. After thinking more of the day, found that she had been so ready and willing for the violence she was sure would come, she had amped herself up to nothing. That familiar feeling that still haunts her as a strange, roundabout sense of comfort in wounds, in violence. Disappointed in herself for that, and she knows she could not go throwing herself in harms way because, as she had told herself many times before, she had many people she cared about. Selfish desires would ruin their health, and surely even their trust in her, and that meant far more than her own secret, heedless desires.

Can't recall exactly when she started feeling better, but seeking out Vikal when she noticed him alone became a good excuse to focus on something else. Has been highly curious of him of late, and all too intent on finding him alone so as to spend some time with him (in one part to suss him out a little better, and another simply because of that aforementioned curiousity). Found his company refreshing, and while she slipped off at multiple times to keep an eye on yet another fight that was breaking out between Niklaus, 'Z', Ingólfr, and Izumi. Broke off once to investigate very briefly, and a second time to hurry off to Easca, Maija, and Crescent. Passed by a limping and hurt Ingólfr, with a subtle wince continued on to her destination. Noticed Easca's distress or annoyance with Niklaus and 'Z' nearby, and so tried to offer some support by staying near. Until she drifted off, and she was sure nothing would come of it or they would not be disturbed, returned to Vikal then.

Rose to greet him properly, but then to keep an eye on a scene that was unfolding at the river where Ingólfr and Izumi now were. Watched in tension as Niklaus and 'Z' chased off Izumi and surrounded the injured bear-wolf. Had a mind to jump in, and yet... Could not find it in her as she knew little to nothing of the situation, and she was sure it would only make things worse. When finally a chase began again, only leaped into a run when they seemed to be awfully close to Carmine, Maddox, and Meddog. Both she and Vikal made it to the rocks, though things seemed to still and dwindle once they got there. Left only with a rapid beating heart and, once more, a tension in her shoulders and in her core. Shaken after a slight stare-off between the two 'groups', but as Niklaus and 'Z' and 'rosestem' left, watched then as Meddog left to an unknown location. Ended up following him before long. Figured that if he was going to treat the ones who were injured just before, the least she could do was be a watch-out for him while he worked, if he was. Unnerved but avoidant to a nearby Sabbath and Cacodaemon, watchful of their surroundings while giving privacy by way of standing off from Meddog and Izumi a ways. When things seemed finished, whatever did happen, went right back to the rocks with him, and a just-returning Vikal as well.

Settled down near Vikal before long, while Carmine was off elsewhere and Meddog went, too. Using the time to wind down and calm herself. Still, very much watchful. Took a walk, checked on Carmine who was with a stranger doe she had never seen before and took note of her, then returned to Vikal to rest.

Missed an altercation between Brother and her friends later on. Came upon the remnants of the scene and planted herself nearby as she brewed silently. Tried to keep it hidden, though. Noticed the doe she had seen with Carmine earlier that day near to Brother, but when it seemed they were talking, saw it as none of her business but kept a wary ear on the wind. Unsurprised when a chase ensued.

Was reluctant to engage, especially since Maija seemed wary and alert, too, but when she heard a call that could have been distress or a call for help from the doe in question, took off without another word nor second to spare. Tried to slam into Brother with all her weight as she came upon the sight of the creature chasing the black, smoky doe. At first it was just the two of them, and would lead off the attacker so as to give the other a chance to either escape or fight without engaging them head-on. Noticed the Twin Gods seemed to have a negative effect on them, and took careful note of that.

Around then, doubled back when it was clear Brother was no longer chasing her and facing off with the doe. Stood beside her as to act as a sort of support, and even to appear 'larger' than Brother, to hopefully get them out of the mind of attacking them. But then Everly and her companion, 'Biveme', came into the conflict. Nearly ran into Everly while she was looking elsewhere, running and keeping an eye on Brother, looking for a place to run in, and was toppled over from behind as she tried to apologize promptly with a bow, Brother rushing her. Nearly buckled under that pain, but refused to. Not yet.

The further things escalated the worse she began to feel. Checked on the nameless doe for but a brief moment, then noticed Brother involving themself with Maija and, by extension, Easca and Maddox. Heart split in two and in that moment felt like the most selfish thing in the world, whether it had been her involvement or not that had ultimately lead to her friends becoming targets. Knows that they were not unfamiliar with the creature, they seemed most acquainted with his erratic behavior, and perhaps even that the fight would have led to them eventually anyway. What she had thought about for so long in the morning would creep up on her, however... For was her act of kindness to help this stranger doe simply a selfish, construed attempt to sate her desires for violence? If she had not gone to help, would her friends have been involved at all? More than that, she had left their side without a second thought, took to making a lone decision without stopping to think deeper about what may conspire later. Things began to swirl negatively within her but she smothered it down and allowed it to take form into that of ire and spite. Attacked Brother where she could get an opening, though most of them seemed to have it under 'control'. Shielded two fawns when they seemed curious or at least aware of the spectacle, running in when Maija seemed trying to get away and Brother continued after her.

Sick to her stomach for one reason or another following Brother's brutal fall, including but not limited to the familiarity that settled in her from her wounds, as was usual. Watched in sadness as her friends stood a ways off, clearly distressed or at least agitated from the encounter, while she stayed near the nameless doe trying to be supportive and a welcoming face despite everything, to hopefully let her relax, even just a little. Felt in some way, shape, or form that she had failed her friends, in such a way that reflected her own insecure thoughts on the inside. That even, maybe, she had failed herself in a way, too. Made to feel increasingly, suffocatingly silent (not that she usually speaks, but more withdrawn and distant) as she looked over them. Felt a little better after checking on and returning, offering affection to them, yet still could not shake the feeling.

Convinced that at least some of it is self-imposed. Just, doesn't really know why it's so different than the other times she had fought and put herself on the line, and yet does at the same time? All sorts of contradictions. Certainly, she does not regret helping the doe they did not know, and yet wonders if anything would have been different if she had gone about it another way. Weighed down by so much in her own head, curled up to block the outside world out. Welcomed the sight of friends when she uncurled again, but with that same listless distance and disappointment in herself, slipped off to bathe in the Idol water and clean her wounds. Joined then by Carmine when he noticed her gone, and while at first looking far-off and distant, leaned into him when she felt him close the distance. Thoughtful and dismal.

Scraped out of the river, then headed down to the pond with Carmine with her, then to an overlooking hill. Stood in silence, bearing with the pain and her own thought-driven anguish, before finally bringing up the fact that she would most likely not be returning with Vepras with him tonight, in the assumption he would have prompted it eventually. Felt only that she needed to be alone, which she expressed and tried to explain when he seemed to acquiesce with the idea (in part because she had already made up her mind, and there was no convincing her otherwise) and offer to stay with her. Could not even begin to explain what all was going through her head, it was too much to chip away at, so at least tried to make it clear that it was nothing anyone, especially he, did. Both relished and wished to be free of the contact he offered her, head over her back, feeling an innate push and pull for his company which only made her more frustrated with herself. Didn't know what she wanted, nor what she could do, so felt helpless. Helpless even to her own plights, where she felt she had some stability and grasp on it only for it to slip away just as easily. And as previous experience has taught her, one of the one things she hates with a passion is feeling helpless.

Appreciative of his gesture to her despite herself, extending his company as she knew where to find him, and to take all the time she needed. Spoke a bit more at length then, just to at least say a proper thank you to him for everything he'd done for her in their amount of time knowing each other. Doesn't recall if she ever did say it to him, which surprised her. When offered the same words back to her, warmed by them as much as she could be in her state. More inclined to take a little extra care, and stayed with him until he took his leave. Let him off to go home if he so wished, stating with a measure of confidence that she'd see him tomorrow. Saw him off and limped further into the forest on her own.

And when all was quiet, slipped into the Reaches.

March 5, 2020

Went back to Vepras with Carmine yesterday night to spend it with him. Minded no smells as her weariness was already creeping up on her, so would nestle with him in the bed once he joined her and slipped to sleep fairly quickly. Would plan to return to the forest in the morning and do just that, but not without a lot of hugs and (weird human) nuzzles for Carmine and a reluctance to get out of the cozy bed.

March 2, 2020

Stepped back into the forest in the earlier hours of the day, having been followed by the same feeling of concern for her friends from the previous night. Feels confident that Carmine isn't any worse off and was even treated, and so with that, falling back into her habit of forest by day, Vepras by night. As much as she wishes to remain with Carmine and missing him often, can't help but shake a certain type of responsibility she has. Not exactly to the forest, but to her friends within it. Knows well that this feeling is self-imposed, but there is part of her that craves this feeling all the same. Reminded all too well of her desire to be here when hit with the scent of blood mixed with something familiar. Would follow the scent to directly come upon a grounded Meddog, surrounded by unfamiliars. Stood her distance as she was unacquainted with absolutely all of those around him, though when she was sure they were neither perpetrator nor causing him any further harm, stretched her legs to briskly make some usual rounds. Intended to round back to keep an eye on him, and if she was lucky, to get a very important answer.

Found Maddox and Andras curled up together, nuzzling them each tenderly. Did not try to wake Maddox up as she would feel bad to do so and hardly knew if she could, and knew she would be finding Meddog soon enough. The least she could do was watch over him for her, make sure no further harm came to him, in her absence. Found her way back to the group of strangers and, uncertain of how she would be received exactly, took up a spot and laid down some distance away. Wanted desperately to check to see if the healer was even alive, but as she knew no one and they did not know her and she was afraid of the answer to that question, kept her space. When Maddox did finally find them with the help of one of the strangers, resisted the urge to embrace her for fear of upsetting the already tentative situation. Took note of a strange doe at her side, but ultimately someone she definitely knew, and would come to acquaint herself with said doe (Everly) later on, when Maddox settled at Meddog's side. Put at ease seeing movements from both of them, ensuring her silent question was in fact, yes, he was alive, and even further when Carmine joined them. Pleasantly surprised though grim given the whole thing, so soon into the day. Glad at least to have his support there, today.

At one point found herself in the company of Carmine and Andras. After greeting them both with fond affections, moved to an overlooking hill. Though resting was not to long last, as soon after Maddox was running into the distance and further into the forest. Heart sunk thinking that, perhaps, Meddog's condition had gotten worse or plummeted in that short amount of time. But upon inspection of the little gathering came to the realization that her spot had been replaced with the doe from before and it was perhaps Maddox needing space that caused her leave, or maybe she was even gathering something or other, like herbs, to help with Meddog's wounds.

Couldn't help herself from following without a second thought. Found her in the water of the stream, and not wanting to have disturbed her, joined the hind with little to no hesitance. Loves the water, after all, and if this is where her friend needed to be, wanted to at least show that she was not alone if she did not want to be. When Andras and Carmine caught up and coaxed Maddox out of the water, followed with a sure leap and took to embracing their friend carefully. Had to move and shift her position at some point because of an irrepressible feeling that settled within her to be enclosed on both her sides, much as she tried to fight it. Squashed the feelings aggressively and certainly when they threatened to rise again, adamant to be there for her friend and not make a state of herself. Followed Andras to retrieve some poppy flowers, stubborn to help place them on Carmine's antlers instead of make him walk the whole way because he was still limping, and when all had picked some, returned to where Meddog and his company were. Placed hers gently near his head, finally able to offer a bow to the strangers (Waldemar, Mansu, Desanguis, Elliasén). Laid down closer this time, but on the hill overlooking the general area so as to still watch over them all. In this time of resting, was joined by Maija, Crescent, Levana and Éasca. Quite content with the setup despite the circumstances... Wishing only that Meddog is offered a swift and secure healing period. Intent to ensure that happens.

Caught wind of something different in the distance next. Brought over if only by her concern for those she knew (River Stone, Andras, Greitai) though similarly put off by several faces that surrounded in her unpleasant memories. Adamant to stick through it however, keeping her distance and having an eye on those around her. Joined by Sabbath briefly, and gave a gently tentative sniff and nuzzle when she found her. Watched her inch closer to the ordeal, stayed where she was personally. Wasn't so sure what was going on, though did come to find that an orange male (Virus) had somehow or other drew the ire of River. Made no judgement throughout the entire thing, except to intercept where she thought well enough (mainly when Greitai and Sabbath went at it for a moment or so, which ended quickly). Does know that despite her company, often under the impression and feeling that River's actions held weight to them and they were not done without good reason. But that was the most she thought of the situation: it was not hers to contemplate, and soon enough she was retreating to Éasca's side, glad for her presence through it which proved to ground her in ways. Flighty after noticing Plague, Zemora, and Sebastian behind and near her, so retreated a few swift paces just as River Stone made her way to her companions. Moved off slowly but surely after that, being joined by Andras and Carmine, and finally after most had left, took to a flower patch a farther ways off with Carmine to rest. Could have sworn she saw Brent's form in the distance at one point... But when she looked back again, he was gone.

Napped for a while, found Carmine gone and so, made her way over to where Meddog was laying again. This time noticed Vikal with Maddox, giving him a greeting after nuzzling her friends a gentle greeting. Rested near Meddog, slipped off to wade in the pond, and then returned on her own time. Laid by Vikal and Maddox for a time, then made her way back to settle near Meddog protectively, but not so close as to alarm him whenever he woke.

Found herself growing more and more tired as the night drew on however, and ended up involuntarily falling asleep, curled in the forest with her company.

February 29, 2020 - March 1, 2020

Joined many friends throughout the day. Began with Andras and Maddox, and later led off the hind to Easca, Maija, and Crescent. Settled down without thinking the day would be much more active than that, though upon catching Carmine's scent upon the wind, took off quite fast in order to see him. Had been getting a little lonely since his decision to stay in his world to sort out things, even if she had the option to return home to him at the end of each day and did just that. Simply had missed his companionship in the forest and was more than ecstatic to see him there. Stayed and shared their usual affections together, more wanting a little time just for the two of them, before leading him to their friends. Folded her legs and laid down while he greeted each of them, and ended up dozing off with her head down and ultimately missing what came next, much to her dismay.

At what point she cannot remember, but peace gave way to tension and she should have known better. Only phased back from distant, weary state she had been in to find Maddox nearby and injured, and Carmine's scent farther off with Maija near him. Gave a sniff to Maddox she isn't sure translated, but left her friend with a nuzzle and immediately took to Carmine, who seemed farther off. Hastily gave a bow to Maija who'd been nearby him before taking to cleaning out Carmine's wounds, as she'd done before when finding him in this state - and from the same source, it seemed, as the scent which clung to him was eerily familiar.

Returned home with him that night to watch over him. If he didn't get better or improve by daylight, would strongly advise him to see Josie once again.

Spent most of the next day in bed with Carmine, ensuring all the quills were out and that he wasn't too terribly bad off. Would unashamedly use any means of cloth necessary in order to keep pressure on his wounds (something distantly learned from watching Josie) including but not limited to any scraps she can find, or the bed covers themselves, or even her own shirt. (Not exactly phased if it needs to come to this - she is 'naked' every day in the forest, so clothing has little to no meaning to her). When the day dragged on, would finally shift and move and if he was aware, state that she was going to check on their friends in the forest. Most concerned about Maddox as she was the only one she felt was involved to the same degree Carmine was. Did so with a promise to return later, unless he ended up joining her, and sought out all three of her friends quickly. Remained in Maddox's company with a caring and concerned look to her wounds that may still be on her from the other night all while offering a courteous bow to her own company (Vikal).

Stayed in their company until she finally felt it right to leave. Slipped off after a long goodbye to Maddox and a bow to Vikal, and after standing content in some flowers with time to herself, used her necklace to return to Vepras, and to Carmine.