Evelyn Ellsworth's Links
... Well, I suppose I am in a better place to speak on it. I’ve become generally more so open on it, so I will try.
Evelyn... Was my first love. She was a wonderful girl, a light in a life that at the time was buried in darkness. I didn’t know myself, I was raised to keep my thoughts alone, out of reach, to not bother the ones truly in pain. Yet, Evelyn was open. She was flawed, imperfect despite her lavish upbringing and grand respect which she completely abandoned for her own seeming betterment. The stress that girl endured, challenged by no other than by her own mind and the misconceptions of others. Heh, I used to doubt whatever she saw in me when we first met, even less so when she came to my one foggy eve before summer break and asked to be in a relationship with me, something I dared not to ask myself as I failed to understand the method of going about it.
She was aware, a listener to my grievances I dared not speak of otherwise as I saw them unimportant despite how deeply they hurt. I attempted to keep my own facade, stay static in most of my emotional responses, yet she was the only one able to let me release tears I kept, allowed me to laugh at seemingly mundane things, showed me joy in what I had convinced myself there was nothing in. But, I knew not how to return it. The most I could think of was to give her monetary gifts, presents of gems and things I heard brief mentions of her enjoying, not once did I think of attempting to return it emotionally. I knew not how to. And that costed both of us.
Evelyn was imperfect, she suffered from mental conditions which, while treated with medicine, were never to be cured. During the early stages of our relationship she took to smoking in a desperate effort to calm her nerves, by the time we moved out together on our own she was drinking and giving to parties whilst lying about her age. I let her, I thought it would ease her as she rarely showed her pain. At that point I so often came to forget about her own issues coupled with the fact that she was unwell in ways I could not see physically, nor was I aware enough to notice her hesitant actions.
Until the crash. When her relative lost her life and mother was thrown into a coma with low chance of recovery. That is when I so clearly saw her degradation, yet, I still carried on in my ways. Further I pushed for the gifts, offered my condolences in the subtle ways I only knew how to, I doubt she ever truly understood my attempts to show my caring. In truth, she was sinking in the sea of her own emotions, of regrets and sorrows held so long. I was an onlooker to her gradual downfall.
She pleaded for distance, I returned with more burden. On bright spring days she came to remain in bed, awaking to it’s shaking by her own hands, uncontrollably. And I did the same, ever-anxious she was which I began to reflect... And I was ashamed for feeling anything at all. It was slow turning poison which I attempted to cure, yet unavoidable obstacles laid in our ways.
I attempted to get the both of us out on trips to the open shoreline, relieving the stress within the both of our minds only to be faced with sudden hurricanes which threatened to halt us. For the first time... I saw fury in her eyes, a rage held deep when prior I had only saw a unique tranquility besides her otherwise rarely shown anxiety. It was by chance we arrived there, and by the fire she was but a shell. I remember seeing her drift without emotion towards the ocean’s scope and disappearing beneath the waves, my won overwhelming bottling leading me to think she was... Going to end it. It was a relief when I saw that join across her face again, her soft laugher behind me at my own foolish actions as I had desperately thrown myself into the waters. If I only knew the truth in it.
Or when we returned and seen the damage the storm had caused to our street at home, the apartment seemingly fine for the moment before sudden damage to current lines lead to a breaking fire in the building at dusk. Having to stay there beside her as we both watched from the house next door which welcomes us, both shaking as the noise echoed through the summer night’s sky. Soon they spread to the ones next door and she ran to assist. At that moment I realized how little she had become to care for risks, yet fortunately nothing had come to harm besides the lost of... Almost all of our belongings we had not kept for trip.
It was not until after all of this, when he had finally settled into a next apartment across town and attempt to make a new start did the news come. The horrid revelation that her mother never woke up, that she was finally gone. That... Was her breaking point, the short days after her showed nothing once more, she longer to keep up the facade she had given ever since we had first knew of each other’s existence. I... Suppose it never should have come as a surprise to what she would do, I had dreaded it ever since I knew of her condition, yet never did I expect her to give in.
At one point I had gotten angry, frustrated at my own lack of action and my failure to do anything. And she responded with walking out the door, leaving everything there in our room. I followed her, but she did not even bother to glance in my general direction as I did. She quickened her pace after exiting the front door, barely even to catch up I forced myself forwards. Still. She continued on, on towards the centre of the highway, indifferent to the traffic with her own static expression and it to her until that noise is all I could hear. And she was gone.
I was only half aware of the light in truth, I knew not of her’s, and at that moment all that was left was the body hidden by oak leaves and shone by siren’s light. And I watched. I could do nothing. Nothing but keep to myself once more, let the days pass by into weeks, then months, inevitably an entire year as I sunk myself into a state similar to her own, taking up the same alcoholic substance she had. Feeling the same cold emptiness she likely had to endure her entire life. I was the one sinking now, the ocean dark in all directions with no chance to breath and no where to swim for the light. I was aware of it, yet I felt I deserved it.
I... Do not believe I ever would have if it ever not for the assistance of others. My own stubborn insistence of my own suffering was all that was hindering me, for I was fully aware just wanted nothing more then to not act on it. But, I did. I have gotten better when she could not, I was given the support when I could never have done the same for her. It has been a distant memory, yet one I cannot escape from, no matter how long the days have passed my by she is still there. Even with the success I’ve received, new friends, even lover, part of me is still trapped in this last couple of years. I will vividly remember the scene... But, I continue on. I was not everything she needed.