LittleJayeBirde's Links
I don't doubt I'd be dead if she hadn't found me, but I don't even know if I would be upset if she hadn't. I hate that I haven't stopped from trying to...fix myself, but she doesn't seem to realize that I can't just stop. She keeps telling me that I'm still Marc and that I'll always be me, but she wasn't the one who was turned into something horrible. Something not human. She doesn't know...she doesn't. She doesn't realize she really can't help me, not in the way she wants. It helps though, her little acts of kindness I don't deserve. I don't know why she keeps trying; I would've given up on me a long time ago. Why won't she already? Doesn't she know I'm just going to keep disappointing her? I've yelled and snapped and done so many horrible things around her. I'm ready for her to stop. Why won't she stop? She knows how bad I am. I wish she didn't.
I don't understand. I thought she loved Lath; I thought so. I thought I could trust her. Sylvia was the one of the first people I opened up to, and for her to...join them. Keep Lath imprisoned. To present him with more torture, more days and months spent locked up? She should be the one in there, not him. Lath keeps trying to help me see her side, but I can't. I don't care what we went through, I don't care if she's in a situation similar to me. I hate that Lath can make his own decisions now, because if he couldn't, I wouldn't let him anywhere near her. I know what demon blood feels like, how it burns when it runs through your veins, how it cripples you and makes you crave death. She was even willing to supply them with her blood to get information. From what Lath has said, she got it. She doesn't deserve him. Doesn't deserve what she has. Hate is a strong word. But if it's the only word, so be it.
I left before her, sure, but I never expected to see her outside...where I ended up. It was an easy mistake to make, really. Kill the wrong person, and you'll get way over your head. And I did. And up until I saw her, she was untouchable in my mind. The good to my bad. The "angel" of my life, even if she's a demon. But as I sat there, chained, head hurting, I saw her. For a moment, she was back. That light ready to help me out. Funny how things can change, huh? I was furious, confused, beyond hurt that she would be willing to do this to me. But in a way, I knew that this was my punishment. Not that I would be stopping, but in a way, not in a guilt-trip, self-hatred way, it's what I deserved. I had blood on my hands, and that's just about what I deserved apart from being killed too. I...I don't like to talk about how badly I spiraled. Just know that not even what Rivin did could get close to how bad it was in there. She got me out though, and she came with me surprisingly. We ran away together. Granted, not in the way I wanted four years ago, but we did. We weren't safe, but that's a story for another time. Now we're back together and trying to be okay again, even if Marc is...admittedly making it a bit hard. It's hard to help her see that I don't blame her when...He's. She's very susceptible to that sorta stuff now, and with the way Marc...is. It's hard. I still love her though; never really stopped. She's the one I want, and no one could ever replace her. We're both hurting and not really okay, and I'll admit that. I'm trying my best to help her through all of this, even if I haven't stopped doing what I should. It keeps us ready to be on the move though, enough money to keep us as safe as we can manage. None of it's done yet, I know that, but I'll love her til the day I die; or the day I get killed. Either way, she's still the light of my life, even through the ups and downs. I don't blame her anymore for what happened, and I'll spend every waking hour making sure she knows that.