TheGhoulAvenue's Bulletins
trying the whole Tumblr thing again
Since I don't really have a lot of online spaces to share this with thanks to most of the internet going to shit I might as well talk to the void of toyhouse.
You might have noticed me becoming less and less active with art and withdrawing from people, which has two reasons. One being my health is incredibly shit, and the other being that my health being incredibly shit also turned my mental health to shit and I don't really want to expose others to that more than I need to. This bulletin is going to be very personal and heavy, so sorry for that.
Health
Not too long ago I got diagnosed with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS), which is something I've had for at least 14 years or more. Basically, I don't have as much energy for daily life activities as normal people do as I easily get exhausted, and overexertion causes me to experience a crash the next day where my entire body hurts and I feel incredibly exhausted, like I've ran a marathon, yet struggle to sleep the night after activity despite being tired. Occassionally it takes more than one day to recover. About two or so years ago I was urged by family (same people saying I need more exercise, I'm just lazy and weak, etc.) to do sport lessons in college. Those were a lot at once, I'd frequently crash and try to push through crashes, and before the pandemic I barely managed to go to college for 5 days a week so I'd sometimes cut the week short by one day. Well, it turns out too much exercise and frequent crashing can cause permanent damage to people with ME https://me-pedia.org/wiki/Exercise and I've never quite recovered from that. The only positive thing about the pandemic was that in-person classes were few and so I could manage to finish college despite being barely capable to do anything without long rests. I honestly wish I had known this before, but nobody would ever take me seriously until my recent neurologist, and only after my symptoms got worse.
About a year ago, my health started declining even more. Mentally I got better - turned out the combined contraceptive pill I have been taking against period pains caused chronic depression, so I switched to the mini-pill and it was much better - but physically I could do less than before. Grocery shopping would cause crashes and be incredibly exhausting, I started experiencing muscle weakness and pain in my muscles, even typing on my tablet or chewing gum would hurt my muscles. I've been running from doctor to doctor and never really getting an answer anywhere, and trying out medication in hopes it helps. It's possible it's linked to ME, as it's not diagnosable through classic measures, but I'm still ruling some other things out with specialists at the moment. Past few months and weeks I developed a lot of new allergies, a dry cough, a bunch of other health issues, and I'm always in pain. And chronic pain does a number on your mental health like you wouldn't believe. I'm always on the edge, get easily pissed off or emotional and then have no energy for anything else. It's absolute hell and if nothing will help then I'm not sure I want to continue living at all. So I'm trying my best, running from one specialist to the next to desperately find a solution. There's a med that's promising with pain relief that's supposed to get here hopefully this week, so that's the plan for now. Obviously I couldn't draw much, as my wrist starts to hurt if I draw for too long and I'm too drained to even start, even mentally. These days I just browse the internet or play video games because they distract me a bit from the pain, but I can't even play for as long as I used to and have to take breaks to lie down because it exhausts me too. It's difficult.
Along with this, my brainfog got a lot worse. I really struggled with dyscalculia in college, something I never had as a child, and just retaining information and not getting things confused or forgotten got a lot harder. Sometimes I tell people the same thing multiple times because I couldn't remember if I told them already. Sometimes things repeat themselves in my head a lot (might be my OCD related idk) and I can't tell if they're things I already told someone or if I was thinking about telling them the thing. Often I can't remember if I did something already or not. Did I already brush my teeth? Did I check the mail? Did I make an appointment? I don't remember. I try to make notes and set reminders, but sometimes I forget to do it when I'm about to, or I forget to check. I can't rely on my own brain anymore, and that terrifies me.
Edit: Pretty sure I got Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS). Awful.
Thoughts on the past
The stress of this basically has my anxiety at 100%, and every night I lie awake in bed and get to think about all the mistakes, no matter how small, I've made in my life, and how much I regret a lot of things. I was not always reasonable, and while I used to be much more of a dickhead in my teen years it never really went away entirely, I'm ashamed to say. I've hurt a lot of people, and lashed out at people over minor things just because I didn't get a good grip on my own mental health, just because I didn't get my shit together. I'm not even sure if I apologised to some of them because my memory is bad and I don't remember, I only remember the mistakes and the reactions. There's one friend in particular I'd like to apologise to, but they've hurt me too with their mistrust and treating me like I would commit the same despicable things as their former friends, and I'm not sure if I can make the first step if they never reach out. My worst crime was being an asshole, I never did anything illegal or pervy or shared their secrets or whatever, so being suspected of being capable of something like that genuinely hurt. Still, I want to be better than to be an asshole, especially since I value and love my friends a lot. I want to be a good person, someone people can trust, because I know what it feels like to be mistreated, bullied, and having your trust broken, and I don't want to be the cause of that pain. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, to keep people a safe distance away from me so they don't miss me when I'm gone, but that's clearly not healthy, and nobody deserves to be hurt over bullshit like that. My issues are mine to deal with, and others shouldn't end up in the crossfire. I'm trying to keep that in mind, and hopefully do better. If I ever do end up being an ass over some nonsense again, feel free to remind me of that. I don't want to end up like my narc mother who made it her life to bully and abuse everyone around her, and I don't want to end up like my narc father who blames everyone else for his own mistakes, and I certainly want to break the cycle. I'm sorry for who I've been, and I'm trying to be better, in spite of everything. I know nobody is perfect, and I probably blame myself more for minor things than I blame my friends for doing the same things, but I don't think I could live with myself if I turned into a reflection of my parents.
Final
I hope I find a way to improve my health and get myself together. I have so many ideas, and not being able to execute them is frustrating to say the least. I miss chatting with many of my friends, and I miss sharing and exchanging art and talking about eachothers OCs, and I still feel bad that I never managed to draw art for the people for whom I wanted to draw art for. I hope I can fix myself up enough to do all of that one day again and be more productive. Maybe get a hold of my inspiration too because it's been absurdly fickle, I have so many unfinished drawings from years ago still on my device that it's quite sad. My love language is gift giving so go figure how much my lack of productivity and inspo has sucked for the past few years lol.
I'm on bluesky too, kingsneak.bsky.social, mostly sharing others photos of cool bugs and other people's art. It generates a code every 10 days for me so if we're friends I can hand one out. Ta-ra.
Most of you probably know me from my deviantart days, well I'm starting over on a new art website. For anyone unaware it's anti-crypto and created by a nonbinary black artist who I promise is doing their absolute best. The app works really good so far, there's still a bit to go but it's all in the works and very artist friendly. Registration and usage is free but consider supporting the site if you can and spread the word! https://inkblot.art/
Now here's my inkblot page, I'll be slowly uploading some old works and go from there.