Whispersofapsycho's Bulletins
I hate Cos. Not the story, but the discord server. I don't know when it started, I don't know when it became this. But if there's one constant fact that follows me throughout my entire life is that I start of with so much hope and idea for what I want something to become, and sometimes I doesn't happen I give up. (To which I now understand is my bpd) but in the rare occasion where it does, I find myself still falling apart. Overwhelmed by it, and I leave just the same. But I tired not to let it happen, and I'm trying not to let it happen with Ender's wonderland either. But- Well, I think that's where the problems began, frankly.
I tried to take a step back, a breather, but that was an apparent BIG mistake. Ever since then, I became disconnected and out of the loop with everything. I felt, and maybe I even was, excluded. I felt like a stranger in my own server, not a friend, just an owner. Didn't help that I recognized there was.. ermph.. clicks? in the server? I don't know if that's the best way to describe it but it did throw me out of the loop even further. There was things I didn't know, how COULD I HAVE KNOWN?, That I felt like got me in constant trouble with users within the server. I know perhaps they didn't mean it that way, but when.. when you... when it.. when you feel like your very existence is a mistake- anything that might've been a polite way of correcting you translates into "you fucked up" or even "we hate you because you fucked up." I know the people didn't mean it that way, and, my sensitives are bizarre I know, but this begun the third decent.
...There was things I didn't know, things I couldn't have known because of those "clicks" and inner chatter. So whenever I did something wrong or made a mistake, I felt like every time I spoke I did something wrong. That no matter what I tried to do that my mistakes is all people ever saw of me. I felt like I was a constant bad guy. Every time I got excited I was shot down. Every time i made a simple mistake, I felt shot down. I didn't have my proud moments, i had my pathetic and mean moments, I know. But.. it just became to much... and then, all these feelings i had for so long because an almost terrifying conformation when... the incident, happened. But I never got an answer, and since, I shut down almost completely.
I left, i tied to break free to.. mature, to, recover.. And I tried to come back.. But every time I do it feels like.. i just make another mistake that makes me the villain all over again. A mistake that was just a mistake but.. All the same always makes me feel so hated. I just WISH I could have explained before it became this way but.. I know what the two people who could have ever understood... were never part of the issue to begin with.
....I hate the discord server, I hate it, and I know its not truly hate. I'm scared, and feel so alone, and so.. locked up in my own head. And the issue delves in so much deeper than just COS, and... I just needed to explain. Even if no one will read this, I just needed to feel like I explained. I needed to say somewhere I felt like a stranger in my own server. I needed to say somewhere I felt so poorly treated by my own head and.. a few other things... needed to explain how I felt hated when its just most likely in my own head... I'm sorry. I hate the discord server, Cos. Whenever i see it, it makes me feel so alone.