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There are currently 6 health updates.
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IMPORTANT HEALTH UPDATE

TUE MAR 19, 2019, 8:42 PM

    You may or may not have noticed that status update I posted a little over a week ago, though I know most people don't really check those things (at least I don't pay much attention to them) and I was pretty vague in it so I wouldn't blame you if you have no idea what was going on. I haven't really posted any art at all over the past week or so because, well, I haven't drawn anything really. (Besides a few crummy traditional sketches.) If you know me on Scratch and saw the post I made there (I took it down a few days ago though) you may know a little more, and if you're a member of the Good Folks and up on my Discord Server The Salad Bowl (if you don't have the server muted anyway) then you probably know what I'm talking about. Though, before I get into it, throughout the later half of 2018, my right arm had been having these rare spasms where the arm would start jerking and my mom will have to massage it to calm it down. It'd also tense up more often than not.

    Before I go into what happened this month though, I wanna mention something that happened in the recent past. I had my first seizure on the 12th of February, 2019. At first, we weren't sure if it was even a seizure since there were so many things we didn't know about it at the time. It had happened in the middle of the night. From what I remember, I woke up jerking and then promptly went unconscious again. My cat Kally kept waking me up all throughout the night until I had remembered this occurring and realized that it wasn't just a bad dream. Later in the morning, I noticed my lip and tongue were bit pretty badly, which is common for someone to do when having a seizure. (When I still feel the area on my lip where I bit it, it feels a little more swollen still. Not sure if it's scarred or not, but at the time it was pretty bad.) Here's an image of my bit lip, I guess. (A little graphic.) Fast forward a few days and I had an at-home 24-hour EEG to monitor my brain activity to see whether it was going to result in another seizure or not. (The results of which came back negative.) Here's an image of me looking super dope wearing the EEG headgear and anime-eye glasses.

    March 9th, 2019. I'd made spontaneous plans with my mom and brother Triple the previous night to go watch Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse at the theatre before it was too late, because I know the animation was supposed to be top-notch and seeing it in a theatre would be the preferred experience for a movie like that. Since it's a movie that I assume will go out of theatres soon, we got into special seats at the back of the theatre that were recliners. (They were super comfortable by the way, from what I remember.) The previews started. My mom and brother had just started divvying up their disgusting movie popcorn, and I was excited to eat some homemade cookies that mom and I had baked the night before that I'd snuck into the theatre. However, before the movie even started, I suddenly began to feel a familiar sensation in my arm. It was violent, and I started to panic. I tried to get my mom's attention so she could massage it to calm it down like normal, but it got rapidly worse. Soon, it wasn't just my forearm, but my entire arm seemed to be jerking around. Heck, it wasn't just jerking or shaking, it was vibrating, so much so that my body started to resonate with what I can only describe as a frequency that caused my sense of hearing to fade into a blare of buzzing. Everything faded.

    Triple, my brother, said this in his journal entry for the day: "Linden called to mom and as I looked at her, she was shaking violently. It was another seizure. Mom and I tried to stabilize her as much as I could before some people helped her from her seat to a flatter section. The way she was shaking and the blank expression on her face in those first few moments were terrifying. After someone called 911, the movie was paused. The people came, and by that time, she had regained consciousness. We rode with her in the ambulance to the hospital. Once we got there, mom and I had to massage her for about two hours straight before they put her on medication."

    After what was most likely a few minutes, I came to when I was being carried down the theatre stairs by some folks to a stretcher. They got me on it and wheeled it outside of the theatre, my mom and brother close beside me. They promptly rolled me into an ambulance, where they rushed me to the ER. Everything at this point is fuzzy in my mind since I was obviously pretty out of it. I remember I had trouble speaking, but I think I could remember my name and birthday when they asked. Mom and Triple massaged me for what was probably two hours as I continued to shake, mostly on my right side. They did a CT scan, got me in another ambulance, took me to a different hospital, and did an MRI. During this time, I was attached to lots of wires and an IV. I stayed the night in one room, and they transferred me to another one the next morning. They put me on anti-seizure meds and a steroid. I stayed the next day in that hospital room. I had a few visitors, though the only ones I really remember were my twin friends and ParasolMushroom coming after church on Sunday. The next day, I was discharged from the hospital with a bottle of anti-seizure meds to take home. Here's an image of me in a wheelchair being discharged.

    Home life has been weird. I don't remember when this was, but one morning I woke up and I was so out of it that (due to there being only the cardboard roll left of the toilet paper) I used that and threw that in the toilet. (Embarrassing, I know, but please keep in mind everything that has happened, as well as the meds I'm on made me pretty disoriented.) @PetalsSilversteam and @/sAnicgottagofaster came over and I started reading DR0 and playing DRV3 for them, which was fun. However, on Wednesday, I went to the ER again. I had gained a massive headache and was experiencing strange sensory hallucinations. I felt as if things in my mind, my surroundings, the people around me, and myself getting smaller, bigger, fatter, skinnier, and changing shape and form. I knew in my mind that it wasn't real, obviously, but it sure as heck felt like it. On the way out the door, I vomited all over the front porch. Petals had messaged me so I told her I was going to the hospital again, so I asked if she was able to come with, and we picked her up on the way. She read more DR0 to me in the car and in the hospital to not only distract me but so we could continue with what I think is a really good book. (Btw, if you're into Danganronpa, please read Danganronpa Zero. It's really good, I highly recommend it. I need more people to be into it haha—) Bless her for staying with me till 2:30 AM, she really is a true friend. <3

    They re-added the steroids to the medicines I had to take, and I'm doing much better now. (It used to give me terrible stomach aches since I didn't know it needed to be taken with food, but now that I actually read the label, I just eat fruit or something with it. The meds taste awful though, lol) I'm still a little unsteady when walking, but hey! At least I can actually do it now. And my over-all appetite has increased drastically because of the medicine, which would normally be seen as an undesirable side-effect but is really good for me since I'm already super under-weight. People have been bringing our family all sorts of food though, and I've gotten lots of gifts from people as well. I got some GORGEOUS traditional artwork (from Pyrobotic and SmolBird on Discord and Petals) as well as flowers, balloons, cards, and stuffed animals. Triple bought this for me as a "get well" present, because he's just a terrible brother like that. XD

    There is one thing that we do know, though. It may as well have been confirmed that I have a brain tumor. (A leision might be a better way to describe it.) Dunno if it's cancer or not, but something is definitely there. It may require surgery to remove. (Rewatching Black Jack [the anime] has been strangely comforting for me, knowing this fact.) I had a pretty tiring Functional MRI on the 15th, (it's different from a regular MRI.) so we sort of know the results, at least from my neurologist. (We have yet to talk to the neurosergeon though.) That being said, things will most likely change due to this. I plan on getting my artistic act together soon, but the surgery may change things about my personality. I've been decently happy with myself lately, so naturally, I'm really unsure how this will affect me, but if I can get better than it should be worth it, right? So this is a bit of a heads up that things may change a bit with me, and I don't want you all to be surprised if they do. To be honest, I feel like I've changed somewhat due to this already. My memory has basically been half-wiped (probably because of the seizure) and I can't really think straight (probably because of the medicine) so I do apologize if I've already said or done things that have upset or offended anyone in any way, there's just a lot going on in my life at the moment.

    The TLDR for all this is that I had a seizure and I may need surgery. This whole situation has been very taxing on me, so please be patient with me!

IMPORTANT HEALTH UPDATE 2

WED MAR 27, 2019, 9:08 PM

    I suppose I'll cut right to the chase. (I apologize if I seem a bit blunter, I don't really know how to say these things so I'll just say what I can.) The TLDR is yes, I do have a brain tumor. Yes, it will need surgery. We don't know what kind of tumor it is. We don't know its name, type, how malignant it is, or whether or not it's cancer. It could be benign but with some spots potentially being malignant. It isn't at grade 1, more than likely grade 2 or 3, with the potential of some spots being 4. I don't really know what that means, but the impression I got is this: The higher the number, the worse it is. It's located on the left frontal lobe, though it's pushing into the right. It's about the size of a bar of soap, so it isn't small.

    It's possible that I'll need to get surgery twice. Since we still don't know much about the tumor itself, the surgeon will do a biopsy during the surgery so they'll know what to do from there. (The biopsy should only take 10 minutes to figure out but I'll be unconscious the whole time since it's during the surgery.) Once he knows what to do, depending on if it'll be dangerous or not for me, (like if it'll damage something or if he's not sure if it's an actual part of the brain or not) he may not remove the tumor completely. Once the brain expands/rearranges itself back into place, then he can more safely revisit it and remove it completely. As I said, there're still a lot of unknowns that'll only be answered through the surgery itself. The surgery should last about 3 hours, though I'll be unconscious for longer I'm sure. Afterward, I'll be in the hospital for a few nights, up to 5. We're going to try and aim for April 5th for the day of the surgery itself, if all goes as planned.

    We got the impression that there are minimal risks, though it'll probably take some time to recover. My speech will most likely not be affected, though my right foot has a small possibility of losing some function. However, based on the way the surgeon worded things, it could definitely be helped with physical therapy (which I've already been doing for my mitochondrial disorder) if needed. (I'm still a little unsteady when walking, so it might already be affected.) Now the most important function for me is my right hand, for obvious reasons. (It's my dominant hand, after all.) The risk of it being affected is lower than my right foot, but there's still a chance that it could be impaired. It's already been incredibly challenging to draw within the past few weeks though, so I worry if I'll ever be able to draw properly again. I'm sure I can if I try really hard, but I can't help but worry. One morning I got really fed up and made myself draw because I missed doing it so much, but my arm hurt for a while afterward. Here it is, in case you're curious. 

    How have I been handling all of this? I really don't know how to answer. I suppose I'm used to normally feeling so weak physically and emotionally, but last year has sort of hardened my emotions so I can force myself not to really feel anything. I don't think I'm hiding from it though. It's more or less I'm automatically holding it in because negativity won't just get me nowhere, but make things 10 trillion times worse, since when I start to get negative it kinda spirals out of control. I had a bit of a breakdown last night but Petals was able to calm me down. I suppose I've been through a lot this past month with this situation, so maybe my mind feels like it's experienced all the bad stuff that life has to throw at me, even tho that's probably not the case.

    Sleeping has been difficult, but it's most likely due to the steroid I'm on and hunger from the anti-seizure medicine. They've lowered the dose for my steroids so it should improve. I keep waking up around 3 or 4 am in the morning needing to pee, then I eat a snack to satisfy my stomach, and then try in vain to get a good night's sleep. My dad hasn't been sleeping very well either, so we agreed to let each other know when we're awake so we can figure out breakfast. We've been going to Waffle House a lot lately, which is really nice since we live so closeby to one. The people who work there are always so friendly, and dad and I have good talks. Besides, their food is amazing. Speaking of food, I've become quite the eating machine. I used to eat like a bird because my stomach couldn't handle it, but ever since I've been on this medicine I've been a monster. I still can't eat cheese (it doesn't agree with my stomach) but I've been handling greasier foods a lot easier than before. I know it's stupid to eat so unhealthily when I'm already so weak, but it's been so nice being able to eat things that I wasn't able to eat before. I hadn't had pizza in over a year, but when a friend suggested cheeseless pizza I realized it might be my ticket back to eating such goodness. So a few days ago, mom and I bought a cheeseless pizza from Little Ceasers, and it was one of the best things I'd ever tasted. (Mom was surprised at how good it tasted.)

    I've made a Discord server for myself for this situation. It's given me something simple to do/manage, and people who're interested/care can be updated and send support. It seems a bit selfish to make myself a server dedicated to my own medical issue, but I don't wanna hog any of the channels on The Salad Bowl all to myself haha- Whether or not you decide to join, having support right now would be a huge help. discord.gg/3pN28kS

    Please don't take this situation lightly. Although there's minimal risk, we're all really worried over here and I don't wanna get too overwhelmed. Love and support is what I need most right now. If you spam me with memes I'll be very happy. (There's a channel for that in the Discord server I made.) Again, it's selfish of me to ask, but any art of my characters (link and link) would be hugely appreciated, especially around the day of the surgery. I don't normally ask for requests or anything, but it's a really difficult time in my life right now. Even if you can't, a nice comment would mean so much. I can't thank y'all enough already for the support I've received, it means so much to me. I love you all so much. 💜

IMPORTANT HEALTH UPDATE 3

THU APR 4, 2019, 8:38 PM

    The anti-seizure medicine started causing my face, back, and chest to break out due to a delayed reaction. Something said that after about two weeks of being on Keppra, (the name of the medication,) if a rash starts to appear, halt taking it immediately. So the doscotrs frantically had to try and find another medicine to replace it and also try to reduce/remove the hives I have via natural means. My legs have been hurting more, especially my right one. My hands are also freaking out a little more. Not having spasms, but feeling like they're close to having them. I keep losing feeling in them, which wasn't exactly new, but it's definitely a lot more often and intense as before. I crack my wrists a lot since I'll be able to feel them again after it sends that little jolt down my hand, I guess. That's the best way I can describe it at least. I've had two seizure-related nightmares at least so far, so due to that, and because we're unsure if I'll have another seizure before the surgery, mom has been sleeping in my room. Dad and I have continued going to Waffle House almost every morning, (usually sometime around 5:30 to 6:30 AM) because after surgery, who knows if I'll be able to handle it. I have attempted to draw a bit more, but both times proved to cause my arm to feel incredibly tense for long periods of time afterward. Here's one of the pieces of art.

    There's the general update, now for the important part: The surgery itself.    The surgery was scheduled for seven AM on Friday, April fifth. However, we've canceled it. Instead, we wish to go to an even better surgeon up in Minnesota. It's not that we don't trust the surgeons there, but my family doesn't want to take any chances when it comes to something as serious as brain surgery. Therefore, we may as well go all out and get the best of the best. My grandparents flew in earlier today (Thursday, April 4th) so they could be with me and my family. They'll end up traveling up to Minnesota, although on a diferent flight. We're also trying to see if I can get one friend to come with as well. Hopefully, it'll be Petals. She's been such a huge support to me through this, and I feel so much stronger when I'm around her, so I want her with me if at all possible. The new date for the surgery is April 12th, next Friday. We don't yet know what time. We are now in the middle of making arrangements to fly there and also trying to find accommodations. We will need to fly out this Tuesday or Wednesday to be ready for four pre-op appointments on Thursday, starting very early in the morning. (Another MRI, neuro-oncology consultation, pre-op evaluation, and one with the surgeon.)

    There're pros and cons to moving the surgery up a week vs doing it sooner here. The obvious pro for staying is that I can have lots of local visitors, but since we're going, that can't happen. However, as I mentioned before, we're doing everything in our power to make it so Petals can come for the day of surgery at least. Moving the surgery up a week is good so I can mentally prepare myself a bit more. But one of the most interesting pros to moving it up a week is this: I'll be able to play the Pheonix Wright Trilogy in the hospital while I recover!! It comes out on Steam on the 9th, and I was so disappointed that I wouldn't get to play it till later, but now it's going to release before the surgery! (Yes, I know I could've bought the 3DS version ages ago. I just don't like tiny screens, okay?)

    This next paragraph is a bit of a vent, so if you don't want the negativity then you can skip it. I'm fine though, don't worry.    I'm really fearing the part where they put me under. Every time I think about it, I get this intense anxiety and can sometimes come close to tears. Why is it that part that gets me nervous? At some points in my life, I wanted to be forced unconscious because I felt so miserable. Why is it now that I'm getting antsy over it? It's probably because these will be the very last moments of my life that will be the way that it is now. After I go under, my life will most likely be changed forever. I'm not talking about how weird I'll act due to the anesthesia, or my appearance after my head is somewhat shaved, or the scar it will leave, or the several days I have to spend in the hospital recovering... (Although those things are still incredibly unnerving to think about.) It's about who I am, and what I've become. Will all the hard work I put into making myself into who I am go to waste? And if not that, then my hand... My right hand contains my ability to draw. If I loose function in that, (Which I suppose I already have, to an extent.) then I'll never be able to draw properly again. The thought of that alone terrifies me. Art has been my world for years. Because of it, I would have never found y'all. My art has become my whole world... it would be devistating to loose that. I'm sure with some phisical therapy I'll be able to regain it, but that road sounds really long and hard. But also, what if my hand is impared permanently? I can't bare the thought.

    I'll do my best to keep y'all further updated. If they're small updates, I'll just edit this journal and repost it so that it notifies everyone. All other smaller updates can be found on the Support Discord Server, so please join that if you want to stay updated. (You can mute the server if you want to, I use pings for updates only.) If you happen to be saving art for me for after the surgery, then please continue saving it and post it on the 12th sometime. (Gosh, that sounded really selfish of me. I'm sorry if it did.) I suppose that's all I have to say for now, wish my family and I luck!

    The TLDR is this: I'M NOT GETTING SURGERY ON THE 5TH! I'm getting it on the 12th!

IMPORTANT HEALTH UPDATE 4

THU APR 11, 2019, 10:55 PM

   Today was hectic. Four appointments back to back to back, with little food in-between. There was a money issue, which caused other problems. Before my MRI, they shaved a bit of my head (an unnoticeable amount) and (TW) I got stuck with needles three times!! Once for an IV, and twice to get my blood drawn because the first one wouldn't work!! (I think this whole experience has cured me of my fear of getting blood drawn. Great!)

   We know the time for the surgery. We arrive at the hospital at 5:45 AM and then there's a lot of prep until the surgery at 7:45. (Hoping they let @PetalsSilversteam come back with me so she can be there when they put me under.) It'll last 6-7 hours, and then they'll wake me up 30 minutes later. They'll keep a close eye on me for a little while after that, then I can see my family and Petals again.

   I've been slowly feeling more and more anxiety all day today, so I decided to treat myself to a stuffed animal from Hallmark. (Because I forgot my stuffed animal at home,,) I didn't think I'd be able to eat, but I managed to scarf down a hot dog from Five Guys. I'm now at the condo chilling with Petals about to binge Code Geass for the heck of it till right before midnight when I'll force myself to eat several eggs for the protein because I'm not allowed to eat after midnight. (I can drink though! Until I arrive at the hospital anyway.)

   If y'all wanna post as many things in the wholesome images section, (on the Support Discord Server) now would be the time to spam them. I'd really appreciate it. I'll finally look at em tonight when I can't fricking sleep bc of intense hunger pains and anxiety and all that good stuff. And if you have any artwork you've been saving, send it sometime tomorrow aaa- That way I'll see it when I get up-!! Wish me luck! I'm definitely going to need it.

IMPORTANT HEALTH UPDATE 5

MON APR 22, 2019, 8:32 PM

    My right arm is trembling and struggling to type this, but it's to be expected for that arm to struggle after the surgery. (That arm was at risk after all.) That, and I haven't opened my laptop in over a week, so I'll need to pace myself. ^^' That being said, I'm really sorry I haven't been active basically anywhere after surgery. (Besides the Support Discord Server, but even then I've scarcely been active.) As mentioned, my right (dominant) arm has been giving me trouble, and looking at screens has been a bit of a struggle too. I've been working myself back up to them though, starting with using only my phone as a screen for short periods of time, (only watching stuff like GMM and Dope Or Nope) then working up to using it for a good portion of my day whilst recovering, to finally getting the courage to open my laptop again. Now I gotta wear gloves for textural stability if that's even a thing. Otherwise, my fingers will flip out if I go without em for too long, besides sleeping. I don't tend to wear them when I sleep. I also struggle to watch animated content, I hope that'll go back to normal soon.

    I arrived back home from the hospital in Minnesota last night via plane. It was a bit of a stressful experience, (getting through security was hecc, but only because it was overwhelming) but I did my best to stay calm and I pushed through. When I arrived home from the airport, I opened the door and saw Kally (my cat) sitting at the top of the stairs waiting for us, and I broke down moments after seeing her again. She was so happy to see us! She wouldn't stop meowing and following us around, which was abnormal for a cat like her to do so much. Several people had left various things for us to welcome us back, which I definitely appreciate! It was really heartwarming to see how people care for us. I ended up going to sleep around midnight that night, feeling very happy yet really tired. Overall a pretty good night. I slept soundly until 5:00 AM, which is an improvement from waking up twice in the middle of the night, haha

    But besides all that, now onto the real update. Surgery was a success, though they left 5% of the tumor there because it'd be dangerous to mess with it further. They stuck several IVs in me, at least three from what I remember. I also had a tube down my throat during surgery, so my voice was high-pitched and hoarse for days. (Petals ended up leaving the next day because she couldn't just stay in Minnesota for two weeks, but I definitely 100% appreciate the time we were able to spend up there together. Send her my love, she's been with me through thick and thin.) I couldn't get up for a few days, having to use a bedpan, but I was able to work up to using a normal toilet (with nurse supervision) by the time I was discharged. I was discharged on the 16th and stayed another four nights at a local apartment (to go to a few followup appointments in the following days) until traveling back to Minneapolis for the return flight home on the 20th. Walking has become a bit of a struggle, but nothing that I can't handle. (I mean, I can handle the simple stuff on my own, but stairs... I think I'll ask for assistance with those for a while.)

    My memory has been impaired, but only short term, I think. It's hard for me to remember stuff that had happened the previous day unless it was somewhat impactful. I mean, it sucked before, but now it's become a bit of a problem. Stuff like remembering certain medicines is a struggle unless I was already taking them prior to surgery. Remembering the times to take the medicines is basically impossible, I only know that I need to take some in the morning and some at night and others in between, at least I think. Besides that, I'm going to have to go through physical, occupational, and speech therapy now to help me recover. That, and I'm going to have to start some kind of treatment soon, whether it be Keemo, radiation, and/or otherwise. Life's going to continue to be a struggle; you can't just get brain surgery and come back from it unscathed. However, I have hope that the road to recovery will lead to good things. I just don't know what'll happen, that's all.

    That being said, I'm still going to need some time before I fully come back. My anxiety levels have been higher than normal, so I'm not quite ready yet. I'm really sorry if I've scared any of you into thinking of some terrible situation I may or may not have gone through. Rest assured, I wanna get things as back to normal as I possibly can. Drawing is going to be a terrible struggle, but hopefully, I'll be able to regain that skill with rehab and therapy. Thank you all so much for all the lovely heartfelt comments that you've left, I promise I'll get back to them all as soon as I'm able. I love you all so very much, thank you for sticking with me through this. 💜

    Edit: I've received an almost overwhelming amount of comments on here and on Scratch wishing me well and congratulating me on the surgery's success. Thank you so much! However, I don't know when I'll be able to reply to them all. There's just so many. So I'm thanking everyone here. I promise I've read/will read each and every comment you post and I love and appreciate them all very very much. Thank you, I'm incredibly grateful. <3

Important Health Update 6

MON JUL 1, 2019, 10:58 PM

    I apologize for taking so long to give you guys another update. I should have made one much earlier because a lot has happened. Also, since I no longer have Core, I cannot use a Journal Skin to make this post look fancier/nicer. I suppose I'll start by addressing some things, mostly from my more recent update.

•     Screen Usage: I've almost completely recovered in this aspect! It used to be where I could barely stare at my screen for more than half an hour at a time, but I've been using it all day with little problem. My eyes sorta hurt (but that's always the case so I think they're just sensitive to any old light) and sometimes they feel a tad overwhelmed by movement on the screen, but besides that, I've been able to use screens much much more! ^^
•     Gloves: I was able to stop using them for a while, but now I'm wearing them again for slightly different "textural stability" reasons. When my hands aren't touching anything, they kinda wanna go crazy. They never do, but I get this terrible panic sensation from them whenever they're on their own as if they've lost feeling entirely when they're not touching anything. I only take them off for meals, sleeping, and using the restroom.
•     Walking: I can walk fine now! Well, mostly. Sometimes I feel like I might lose balance but it never happens, probably because I focus so much on not losing balance when that happens.
•     Auditory: Not sure what's up with my ears, and I don't remember if this was an issue before, but recently there's something going on. I don't know how to describe it, I don't know where to even start. It's not that big of an issue, but it's noticeable enough. I only remember this happening for the past few days.
•     Seizures and Seizure-like Activity: There've been a few times where I was convinced I'd have another grand mal seizure, but I never did. I'd start to feel something, and I'd panic. I guess I've associated mostly all unfamiliar physical feelings and the panic that goes with it as "Oh frick! Another seizure!" Usually, a bit of Ativan calms these feelings down.
•     Memory: Short-term memory is still impaired. A bit of long-term too, but I think that was an issue from after the seizure. I think it's gotten a little better, but not by much. So if I forget about your existence, please don't be upset! ;u;
•     PT/OT/Speach: (Standing for Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, and Speach Therapy) We haven't started going to it yet, due to circumstances that I will address here in a bit.
•     My drawing ability: I think it's back! I've posted a few things here to DeviantArt when I've finished them, as well as a new meme remix on Scratch! However, my motivation has sorta been sapped by my newfound depression! :'D
      Anxiety/Depression: My anxiety has died down, but not completely. I guess my anxiety disorder wasn't that bad till surgery, then it was off the charts, but now it's back to a low-normal, I suppose. However, I have been feeling more depressed as of late. Not quite "I'm worthless" or "I want to off myself" type of depression. I guess more or less knowing that I might have something quite deadly... 

    Now for the main part of this update; the actual update. The first reason why I haven't given an update in so long was due to my parents being super unsure for a while about (A) if I should do radiation/chemo or not, and (B) where I'd get the radiation. (However, the second reason was that I've just been lazy and never got around to it. You could call it a lack of motivation.) I'm now in Tennessee getting Proton Therapy. (A more precise form of Radiation Therapy.) I was really nervous so best pal PetalsSilversteam came along. I've already gotten about 20 out of 30 treatments so far, so I'm already two-thirds of the way done. In total, I gotta stay up here for six+ weeks, coming back home on some weekends since they don't do treatments on weekends. I guess that means I only really got two weeks left. I've had lots of visitors, most of them are from home, but I got to spend one of the weekends with my really good friend Ekho!

    The folks who work where I get my treatment done are a joy to be around. They're really kind, joke with you, and they've even gotten into two of my favorite Japanese music artists! (MafuMafu and REOL.) See, they let me play whatever music I want while I'm getting the treatment done. By the way, treatment doesn't last very long. It usually takes them less than a half hour. I have doctor's visits every Monday and Thursday and receive the occasional bloodwork, CT scan, and MRI. I do get mild headaches sometimes, and I regret to say that my hair has been falling out. I'm also doing a bit of chemo, but I think my parents have decided that I'll only do it while I'm getting my radiation treatment unless someone convinces them otherwise. The first time I took it, because I didn't take any anti-nausea medicine beforehand, I vomited 5 times. Since then, I've been taking my anti-nausea meds at night then the chemo right before I go to bed, and I've been generally fine.

    Now you may ask why I'm getting proton therapy and chemo. You think that's for cancer right? Well, you could be right. See, from what I've gathered, my brain tumor was cancer, at least some of it. (If that was obvious to some of you, then I apologize for my denseness... I didn't know.) The people at the hospital in Minnesota diagnosed it as a grade 4, the worst kind, but basically, every other doctor has said that it was probably a grade three, not as bad. Both are still cancer though. However, that was before the resection. No one knows what grade the remaining 5% has, but in case it has cancer cells, we're attacking it with all we've got. Radiation, chemo, diets, medicine, supplements, homeopathy... the list goes on.

    (This paragraph of the update is very grim, so please don't read if you'd get upset.) It's been really tough, knowing that I might have something deadly in my brain. I don't even know the statistics are. Mom and dad don't want me to know them because they're scary and they don't want me to believe that they're true because they'll "try to save me no matter what". And although I agree that it's probably for the best that I don't know so I don't have any expectations, I can't help but fear if something will happen to me. I want to be able to let my friends and followers know when I'm going to pass on... if I'm going to pass on. I want to be there for them for longer. I help them through life the best I can... There are no guarantees that I will kick the bucket, I'm just giving y'all a bit of an idea of what's going on. I'm not as pessimistic about it as much as before btw, with the help if Petals and a few others. So let's try ending this update with a bit of a positive note.

    Thank you all, old and new, for sticking with me through this struggle, even if you didn't know it. You guys are amazing at giving support, which I still need quite a bit of. Anything will do. You don't have to of course, but I have a Discord server made specifically for this situation that you could join to show your support right here: [link] The war isn't over, but I'll try my best to beat the cancer I potentially have and win! With y'all's support, I'll try my best! I love you all! 💜 Thank you for reading these really long posts.

Cancer Update 7

• by nedyku, 1 minute and 58 seconds ago
• Journals / Personal

    I decided to change the name of this series of journals from now on, because at the time that I started writing these, we didn't know if it was cancerous or not.

    Before I get to the more relevant part of this post, I wanted to give some good news! The MRIs that I've gotten since proton radiation has come back, and nothing has grown worse! It's gotten a bit smaller. Another piece of good news! The pathology where I got the first surgery ascertained that it was a GBM (grade 4) but we got a pathology report from a different hospital, and they said it was AA (grade 3). They're both cancer, but this newest diagnosis is better. The first place had their reasons for calling it a grade 4, even though it was technically a grade 3.

    Now onto the main part of the post: What's going on now? If you've been on the Support Discord Server, you may know that I'm going to need surgery again. This post will explain a little more. A week ago Monday, the 19th of August, I had just taken a shower so the scabs on my incision were really soft, and a good bit of it accidentally came off exposing the plates inside my head. Long story short, the incision came open. This time, the surgery is gonna be a wound revision surgery, which isn't as big of a deal as what I've already been through before, but I'm still terrified.

    From what I remember from what I was told, there are two ways the first part could go. If the bone has healed, they simply have to remove the plates and close it back up, but that's only a possibility if the bone survived. If it died, then they'll have to take out the piece of skull and replace it with yet another foreign object and/or I'll have to wear a helmet for a while. Of course, a third possibility is doing nothing and just close up the wound, which is the next part. I heard two different things, so I'm not sure which one they're gonna do. Either they're gonna suture it up with staples or string like it was before, or they're gonna use microplastic surgery to close things up. However, since the skin on my head was attacked by the radiation, the skin is very thin, not to mention even without radiation the skin up there is usually more of a challenge. They may use skin from my leg/belly and move it up there.

    It's scheduled for 2:30 in the afternoon (though we've got to be there by 12:30) for Wednesday the 28th. (two days from when I'm writing this.) This isn't as big of surgery as the first/previous one, they say I most likely won't have to stay overnight, which is a relief. I'm still scared out of my wits though, and I'm hoping a friend can be with me for most of that time. Please have memes and comfort characters/comfort ship images ready on standby, I'm gonna need em. (A list of stuff I like is in the designated channels on the Support Discord Server.)

I suppose I haven't really said anything about it here, so I'll just link to the two journal entries I posted to DA. (Let me know if you can't access them!)

https://www.deviantart.com/nedyku/journal/Important-Health-Update-790324104
https://www.deviantart.com/nedyku/journal/Important-Health-Update-2-791256607

Here's a link to the support Discord Server: https://discord.gg/3pN28kS

If you own/design anime characters as animals and have them on ToyHou.se, I suggest reading up on their newest rule. (5.1) https://toyhou.se/~rules#rule_5

I'll still keep the profiles for all of my fandom designs, but all have been set to private for the time being. I will not state my opinions on the matter, but I will respect this change of rules.

However, if you still wish to keep tabs on all of the art of these designs that I own, I've spent about 3 hours compiling it messily in a sta.sh folder found here: https://sta.sh/21s88w21cy4e

Check this journal. You can comment here but it's preferred that you comment there if possible!

https://www.deviantart.com/nedyku/journal/Cheap-Quick-Danganronpa-Customs-Open-787379517