TW: talking about suicide, mainly about me wanting to die

its not fucking far I nearly killed myself becuase of years worth of toxic actions from someone yet everyone thinks im the toxic one for being upset. why is it my fault that she hurt me so much, why am I the bad guy for being abused. why do I have to suffer in silence while she gets to go on like nothing ever happend. why do I have to be the one who loses some of my best friends, I know I sound like a spoiled child but im loosing my fucking mind. 

why am I evil for defending myself? why am I always the villain of the story, I don't want to be the victim at all but why is my only other choice the abuser???

I can't even trust one of my closest friends anymore and it makes me feel so fucking toxic. why does it still hurt??? why can't I just move on like the fucking adult everyone expects me to be

I should have just killed myself that night 2 months ago, I can't hurt anyone else that way right?

fuck, I sound so toxic saying that, look at toto throwing another pity party for faerself. why can't I feel emotions like a normal fucking human.

im sorry I just want the pain to stop, I don't wanna hurt anybody anymore

please just make the pain stop

POSTING OLD ART AGEIN BESTIES

get ready to be spammed by sketch's of toto becuase she's all I ever draw i stg

I have some cookie run oc's that just, ether don't have designs or only have concept designs

and my brain is just "okay but...post them regardless" so im thinking about doing that

edit:

me: I have some cookies i need to post!

me: [only posts 3]

I don't have a lot of cookie run oc's, I want more but head empty as fuck

going through something rn and using music to help cope, so here's a list of songs that im using cuz I need to focus on something other then deppresion right now

Going Under by Evanescence

Everybody's Fool by Evanescence

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing by Set it off

I hope ur miserable until ur dead (nightcore) by Nessa Barrett

Plastic Promises by Set It Off

Raise no fool by Set It Off

(posting this now so I don't loose it, but ima be updating this a bit jksfdl)

Me: since they've been causing me a lot of angst, im gonna take a break from talking to them, maybe for a week idk

Me, like two days in: [about to start crying cuz I miss my friends]

lordy im a fucking disaster

sorry, years worth of emotions of bubbled up to the surface recently and im just trying to work through it, this along with me fucking up majorly recently has got me in a pretty bad place mentally lmao

look im just trying to do whatever it takes to not kill myself rn :')

Im not saying I hate you

I cant hate you

Im saying you hurt me and never said sorry

Im saying you hurt me

Im saying you made me feel unloved for years now, not just with this incident 

Im saying you make it feel like you care more about your own creation then you care for me

Im saying if I ever said this to your face, it be made to be my fault and only my fault

Im saying you make me feel like im dying

But I still love you

Becuase your my best friend

Becuase I could never hate you

Becuase id rather hurt myself then upset you

But iv been hurting myself instead of upsetting you

Becuase I love you, your my best friend

Becuase im sorry I keep making you hurt me

But even if I love you, I cant stop asking myself

Is every problem we have only my fault?

please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this
please don't kill yourself, you deserve better then this

suicide hotline number according to google:

833-456-4566

so I sometimes make aesthetic boards for my oc's, should I start publicly posting them here?

I want to, but I want y'alls opinion on it also

uhhh fuck

attempting to post all the characters iv been procrastinated for so long on posting (for reals this time), this is probably gonna take me a few days cuz I take a lot of breaks lmfao

also updated how my free folder works, mainly just becuase I wanted to

uhhh, yeah that's it ig