(BTW keiko and her sister do not stand by his actions anymore and apologize for ever giving him the benefit of the doubt, believing he was black too)

 Gojek = around $175 usd

Me and sp00ked666 aka Nick are not in contact anymore and my wishes are to not be affiliated at all with him. I don't really want this to be shared around or to be mentioned in any future PSAs (if I am I'd like to be censored) I mainly just want to break my silence to either those in the know or concerned ones who wanted answers. Please don't bring this up in Sewage system. I'd rather just let it die. A common theme in our private time spent together was payback and revenge so I’m absolutely terrified of what Nick could do to me. 

The biggest reason that I'm making this public is not to air out every single dirty laundry I have with Nick. Neither of us were perfect and I could be considered toxic and abusive too so I don't want an audience of people to pick sides, harass anyone etc. I have been taking steps to take much less time off the internet and I am finally medicated, going to therapy, immersing myself more with people in real life and had to take a hard look at how ugly I had become and how I was worrying and taking for granted the people around me that were extremely concerned for my well being. Its why im much less active now. I am now diagnosed with borderline if that helps with context and I allowed my fear of abandonment at times to really put Nick in often distressing situations. I don't stand by my mistakes though and tried to actively take steps to change and apologize to Nick for what I have done wrong.

I just want to make something public because several people have came to me in private about Nick's behavior, even some that weren't prior friends with me to notify me that I was the closest person to or dating someone who did racist and said some transphobic things. I initially didn't say anything publicly because I felt pressured by Nick to just privately talk to him and privately tell people I'm not responsible for what Nick does out of genuine fear. This caused me to isolate myself to Nick and try not to tell anyone about what I've been going through. In private I have never condoned or supported this behavior quite the opposite actually and it resulted in him getting extremely mad I called what he did racist (animating himself saying the n word, writing the n word, calling himself racist and allowing in members that said they were racist, even trying to spell the n word in emoji reacts on discord, getting mad at me when I tried to vent about it to others. I can provide proof if needed since these are heavy claims but right now it's distressing for me to relive that). I have received harassment for months about what he did and he never did anything to protect me or take any accountability for what he did while I endured that. He consistently accuses me of being racist for trying to mention that where he lives (indonesia) wasn't as educated/had as many resources or is as accepting regarding mental health, lgbtqa+, and racism and initially wording it poorly and trying to correct what I meant to say (I believe I originally said indonesians arent as educated on racism). I have also been told in private about him making fun of nonbinary people and telling someone that they shouldn't make a big deal out of pronouns which wasn't okay. I feel complicit in constantly promoting a server that was his vision and that he technically owns and I cant do major action on it without his permission. I tried countless times subtly and directly that I wasn't okay and many people weren't okay with this and that the mourning and history of black people and trans/nonbinary people should be respected but truthfully it has often ended up with me feeling like I'm the one at fault for ruining his mood and being sensitive.

My silence and minimizing how bad his actions truly were has most likely contributed to people's discomfort. I genuinely feel bad and that I couldn't help him realize how uncomfortable and racist/transphobic those things were. Feeling like I should have stood my own personal ground and morals harder. This was a friend of mine that I had feelings for 3 years and we were friends since 2015. I still kind of suffer moments where I miss the positives and that I sometimes wish right now that things could be good again between us even though my friends are begging me that I most likely was extremely manipulated and other unsavory things. That I’m actually not responsible for if he has empathy or not but its still hard to believe right now.

Something much more minor. I'll be fine now that I'm working and have resources and friends/family that are making sure I'm okay irl but professionally I have paid Nick at least hundreds maybe at least a few thousand and asked for art in return but I believe it's considered apology money now to him. I asked for art in return and he has gotten very mad at me for asking for things in return because of my intentions to try and financially support him and marry him. He made me question if I was the one emotionally or financially abusing him or if I was intentionally making him dependent on me. I am afraid already to break my silence because one of his biggest ways to get money is through commissions and I don't want making this to really harm that but also there's been so many upsetting situations where I tried to help only to be told I do nothing for him and that I'm not special. Before I could grab a list of things between us that were unresolved he blocked me.

I'm still terribly confused processing all of this but I hope this provides some insight as how I was handling all of this and how I truly felt about things. 

I left sewage system and in regards to discord me and a couple friends are planning to make a new one that's hopefully able to combine friend groups I'm in. Hoping for a fresh new start and that it'll be less cliquey and more open to newcomers, feedback, and collaboration. I've been focusing more on typing positive affirmation autoresponders for the server as of lately. I am now surrounded by people that don't put me down and show that they truly care and are much more grateful. If you are feeling like shit while simping for someone or even dating them please reach out to a loved one or trusted friends. Someone cares