before i start vomiting my fucking heart out I'll give you some warnings 

tw: child abuse, abuse, emotional and physical abuse,  other hurtful shit

i don't know who to fucking talk to i don't know who to cry to I'm so fucked up rn and I'm so fucking devastated i can't even cry it hurts to even inhale. i have no idea where to start or what to say I'm all over the ground

so my mother aka "my best friend" did not so good things today and i broke down so hard i couldn't breathe for about 20 seconds (not fun). she came to me and tore my fucking heart apart because i didn't do my hw and the teacher contacted her. she absolutely destroyed me in every way she could she told me that art will never get me anywhere and that it's all stupid idiotic and childish thing. and that fucking hurt on its own let alone her threatening to do a lot of fucked up shit to me

she threatened to go back to abuse me which she stopped recently. threatened to shatter the laptop in my head take all my shit away and so many other things that i don't feel comfortable displaying here. and i know she's not joking but it fucking hurts it does it really does not just mentally but physically too my only reaction to anything is covering my face expecting a hit and it's because of her and my dad both of them none is better than the other. she used to hit me so hard no matter how old i was. and all i remember is from being 5 years old and i remember the hitting start at 6 and it's not even legal she'd probably face jail if i fucking spoke about it. last year. probably the same day as today she hit me so hard one of my teeth fell off (/srs) and she didn't stop she pinched my face so hard that it hurt for the whole year and I'm not exadurating and i fell and she continued and i was crying she would have continued if our housemaid didn't interrupt. i didn't even tell a single soul about it. she'd hit me daily, and even when i say a joke or anything simple that i got used to being slapped. she'd start shaming me for my fucking disorder that is possibly a disability and she still fucking shames and hits me for it as if i can control it. i always mentioned that i have HSCR but i never say what it does to me. I'm technically cured but i still face so many after-effects. one of them not being able to control my piss/poop. yeah, i fucking said what are you gonna do? bully a person for shitting themself daily for having a fucking disorder? i don't think so. it got to the point that she once used a nail cutter on my bum... i was 9 years old.. and she made me tell my dad while she laughs. oh and my dad is trash too okay. i keep saying that i love him but i don't. i just like him because he's the reason we're living in this luxurious house that's all. he's not as abusive but he still was. he would scare the shit of my soul and use his traditional stick to hit the bed to terrify me and he once did it so hard the stick that is very thick literally shattered into pieces. all the times they made fun of me and my trigger is uncountable. and i thought they changed and i really did, but the only thing stopping them is probably because I'm old enough to hit them back. they're so fucking smart and intelligent and i look up to them. my mom always says great advice and amazing poems and my dad has three fuckign jobs and loves everyone and memories all of the profits stories and are both really religious. but why? why would they do this they're so close to being perfect.. and they're both very hilarious and very fun to talk to and spend time with..like two weeks ago i spent 2 hours with my mom listening to less mis music while working out and talking about it like fucking nerds...what's wrong though how are you two different people at once??

all of this is just what like %25?? the other pain they made me go through is fucking not okay. and then they ask why are all my reflexes are me shielding myself

but i can't cry

i don't really remember the pain i went through. the pain is so common that i can't feel it anymore. I'm not crying I'm not even frowning while typing this and I'm listening to grave whistle by nothing but thieves and it's probably the only thing that got me emotional while typing this because the song is sad

regarding my title

if I'm to die,

i want to forgive them for what they made me go through and i want them to learn and i want them to understand that it's not okay for what shit they said to me. i don't want to die sad i want to die happy and i don't want people to cry at my funeral and i don't want my parents to ever get harmed ever. i don't want anyone to cry if i one day go i want people to smile remembering me, please don't honor my death by crying. and no matter what you did to me no matter how much wrong you did i forgive you

i still love my parents and they're both human and they both make mistakes and i believe they can change and i want to be the reason for that. i don't want to waste my time hating on someone

thank you for taking your time to read this. i never talk about this but now i did and it feels a bit good if

"to forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that prisoner is you"