Random bulletin, gonna vent here, so feel free to click off.

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I’ve been thinking a lot tonight. Some of you may know me by my many other usernames. I’ve gone through so many even I have lost track. The main ones I can remember are Papinella, BloomDoom, PlushFaerie, MysticMinka, LunarMinka, and FaerieTiel. I can’t remember many of them.

Honestly, I’ve been trying for so long to run away from things I have done. I’ve tried so hard to fix myself privately. While I have gotten better - I still cannot deny what I did in the past. 

I was greedy, selfish, and a really bad friend/person. I literally only cared about myself, and I held stupid grudges over silly things. Especially during my time in Griffia and other CS. It’s been a long time since I have openly talked about these things. I normally try to keep it between my friends and I, since I don’t like airing out my dirty laundry. 

For the longest time I had an impulse spending/gambling addiction. Closed Species did not help that in the slightest. I got my first credit card, and it all went downhill from there. To this day, I am still paying off my debts from my impulsiveness in regards to adopts/CS.

It’s been really hard for me to come to terms with the fact I am still recovering from my horrendous impulse/gambling addiction. It hasn’t gone away fully, but I am slowly learning to control it. I have been diagnosed with autism and borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist also suspects I may have ADHD, but she wants to hold off on testing for that. It’s been hard, cause for the longest time I would try to cope with my rampaging emotions by buying the next pretty new thing. I admit, I chased the high of a new CS character often. It always felt good at first - but then the regret settled in. I tried my hardest to play it off, act like I wasn’t bothered. But I was. I was bothered by everything that came my way - every insult, every remark, everything got to me. I was a terrible friend to people - I valued characters more than them. Reflecting on it now, it was really stupid and selfish of me. 

I have been doing my best to strive to be a better person than I was. I don’t like how I used to be. Honestly if it wasn’t for my best friend LovelyNutmeg giving me the harsh truth of how shitty I had been when I was fired from Griffia, I don’t know where I would be today. Probably still spending money I don’t have on CS adopts. 

I don’t remember a lot of what I did, or who I hurt with my actions. I just remember being a shit person to people. I know I can’t change anything. I don’t expect people to forgive me either. What happened is in the past, and all I can do now is move forward. 

I still struggle with my addictions. It just went from CS adopts to one off adopts. While I do genuinely love the adopts I buy, I am starting to realize that even if I spend a super low amount on an adopt, even just $10, I feel super guilty about spending money at all. Other times it is for me to cope. I get invasive thoughts, ones that often tell me to give up. And then I think, well, if I am going to give up, I might as well buy this adopt to make me temporarily happy. 

Spoiler Alert: It makes me happy for like an hour before the regret settles in. 

I genuinely do want to keep the adopts I have bought recently, but the guilt outweighs me owning them. I still occasionally trade fodder CS stuff, like the CB Dainty Slot I traded for and immediately put it up for trade myself. I need to stop though. This isn’t healthy for me.

Anyway, I wrote this because I am tired of hiding who I was. I’m tired of running. I’m doing my best to be a better person. I know people will hate me, and I don’t blame them for that. I was a shit person in the past, and if they don’t want to forgive me, then I will respect that. 

I also made this because I want to be held accountable. I want to make this public because I need to stop buying adopts and focus on my debt. I can make characters and do design trades in between owed work - but I really, genuinely need to stop spending money on adopts. It’s not fair to the artist, it’s not fair to the others that would want and use the adopt instead, and I am not being fair to myself.

So please, if you see me trying to buy an adopt, message me privately to tell me to stop. Or call me out in public and link this very bulletin. I need to get it through my thick skull that I need to work on myself and my problems. 

I am sorry for all the pain I have caused to others. It wasn’t right of me. You do not have to forgive me. But I do want to work on myself and get better. I’ve been working on myself since I was fired from Griffia. It has been a very long road, many ups and downs. I fuck up a lot still, even today. I’m still not perfect and I will never be. 

Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you for reading. I truly do appreciate the people that support me.