That which ties us (it scares me)

They felt like pulling something apart when they realized.

Yet at the same time, so terribly numb.

And even more so, a fraction of them bubbling over with joy.

The contradictions of it festered in their mind. Especially since they knew they couldn’t speak a word of it to another creature. Or really, to the only creature that mattered. August.

August. They would not be here at Valencia, still, if not for August.

Occasionally, August would sputter as a leaf fell onto the book he was reading. 

All around them, the leaves roared as the wind raced through them. Yellow and brown swirling in an overcast sky. Puffrings scurried among the branches.

Amek decided to feed that urge in them, to rip something apart, and caught a fluttering leaf, methodically separating it into crumbling pieces with their paws. Then took another and repeated it. Trying not to think. Trying to ignore that bright, warm wire in their core they had just realized existed. And where that wire connected.

August.

If they dared to look, they could feel August’s end of that wire. 

On the surface,

A layer of content. Bubbling interest. A slight ache somewhere (where he had tripped that morning?). tiny, intermittent sparks of excitement (from what he was reading?)

A little deeper,

pulsing ache in his ankle (definitely bruised how did he climb up here?). Temporary content, caution, waiting waiting, hiding from what-who hurts. Book fun, PLOT TWIST PLOT TWIST, how change story? Hiding but okay but safe now, safe Amek. Enjoy read fun good, hope sequel. Trust, trust next to Amek, good nice, lo –

With a hitched breath Amek quickly thrust a wall up between them, until he could feel nothing but a faint buzz of happy from August. They shuddered, and was glad the spine-cat was too focused on his book to notice the way their breathing shook. 

They shouldn’t have looked that far. They shouldn’t have looked at all, they shouldn’t have a wire with August.

They felt unclean.

And Amek was dancing around what it really was. That wire of light, of keyaa, thrumming between them. 

It was a pod bond.

(and it was already so strong, not a measly string but a true, weighty rope. And wasn’t that awful, that they’d never had a bond that strong with any other, not with their own species?)

They still felt the splintery edges of those wires. How they scraped against the empty hollows where his previous pod bonds used to reside. Amek didn’t even know pod pods could happen outside of storm spirits, yet the fact that they’d formed one, accidentally, not even a year since their pod…. Since Amek…

That was awful wasn’t it. It wasn’t something they should have – just the thought of that gentle, loving thing huddled in their core made something in them blister. 

(Made them want to rip it out.)

If August wouldn’t feel it, they would. Without a thought, they would.

They debated it again for a moment, reaching out with invisible claws to grasp onto that golden wire, digging in.

August twitched, then looked up from his book to absentmindedly rub at his chest.

Quickly, they let up, heart sinking. They couldn’t. Even if they should.

A weaker bond would maybe burn for a day or so once snapped, but Amek didn’t want to think about what pain they would subject August to if their own was broken. Moreover, he would know it was somehow connected to Amek, as they would be feeling the same pain, and it would likely be too terrible for them to hide it.

(They remembered… before the numbers of their pod had dwindled down to the single digits, that someone’s bondmate had died. But they had to keep moving. The one whose bondmate died – after a week he still wouldn’t move, wouldn’t talk. He only cried, writhed. His skin had been shriveled and dehydrated from his anguish. Storm spirits were mostly water, and he had looked like a husk ready to crumble and drift away in the wind. They left him.)

(Just like Amek left their–)

A pressure landed their arm, making them jolt.

August’s paw was resting on them. His paw-pads were velvety.

They looked up to meet yellow eyes, rounded and focused on them alone.

“Hey, you okay?” He asked, careful. Always so careful with them. 

Amek melted, yet their chest felt pinched. “Just thinking.” They said, sparing a smile. It must have been strained though, as August squinted at them in response.

“Stop then. Or maybe – or think about something else? You look… sad.”

And here is where Amek would deny it, respond with some kind of quip and a playful wink. August knew, he was waiting for it, expecting it. But Amek’s throat felt tight. All of them felt tight and twisted up and cold – and even if they could vocalize that feeling, they didn’t think it’d be beneficial for August or them.

The leaves rustled in their silence, the wind tousling August’s black fur, Amek’s clouds.

“Amek?” 

His voice was quiet, almost lost to the wind, and this only made rising concern lacing it more apparent.

Without meeting his gaze, Amek took August’s paw in their own. Squeezed.

August squeezed back. Amek could feel him eyeing them still in question, but he waited, patient. 

Gold tinted leaves fell from the canopy hanging over them, and Amek watched as they floated downwards. Swayed from side to side as they fell. 

They took August’s paw and did the same, gently swinging their interlocked paws between the both of them.

“Tell me about your book?” Ameksaid, voice raspy.

August blinked, processing Amek’s question, then squeezed their paw again, twice even, like once wasn’t nearly enough.

“–Yes! – Sure,” He nodded, a bit too many times, then picked up his book and flipped through it. “Uh, well – Here! This is…”

And he told them. 

At first, stuttering and tail twitching, clearly just trying to grasp onto anything and everything to tell Amek, trying his utmost to distract them as they had asked (even if they hadn’t asked directly). Amek’s chest began to loosen as they listened to his clumsy, endearing rambles. August’s near frantic desire to comfort them did seem to strangely calm them down. Eventually, the air became easily to breathe again.

Amidst August’s rambling, his voice landing soft on Amek’s ears, Amek was suddenly overcome with the need to have him closer, the podbond between them shuddering with the force of it (Especially since Amek had to force themself to quiet that need, lest it leak out from the barriers they created and August felt it). This wonderful, sweet creature that somehow ended up in their life. Their brother. Their bondmate.

A rush of love-protect-protect-protect-keep-love ran through them.

And they found no reason not to succumb to that need. So, quietly, carefully, just as carefully as August always was with them, they gathered him in their arms. Held him.

August paused mid-sentence, but was pliant in their hold. He ducked his head under Amek’s, one of his paws curling around their arm. In turn, Amek pressed their muzzle into his headfur, let his eyes slip close. They breathed, one of those deep, deep breathes, then slowly felt their chest deflate on the exhale.

“I’m sorry.” Amek breathed. “Thank you.”

They weren’t sure what exactly for, but the words felt true.

August shook his head minutely. Amek would bet he was frowning.

“No, no sorries, you don’t. It’s okay.” He paused. “You’re okay?” he asked again.

“Mmm.” Amek murmured. “I’m okay.”

It was okay. This time, it would be okay.