are you lonely ? are you sad?
you are ordinary. average. mediocre. there is nothing remotely interesting about you.
am i boring?
you ask your sister one day and she shrugs, not moving from her hunting position. "Well I mean. yeah. " She answers without hesitation, tail wriggling like a reed in the wind and you deflate, shoulders sagging and you lower your head. You had heard it the other day when you approached the other apprentices. You favoured the presence of Nightpaw and Hawkpaw the most - Hawkpaw who was sweet with her emerald eyes and Nightpaw who was already growing so fast and had the smile that sent your heart a flutter. "I heard you guys were all going out.. I was wondering.. If I could.. come with you?" You had asked, shy and hesitant and it was Snakepaw that stepped forward. "Our mentors asked us to, we already have a big enough group. You understand, don't you?" He purred and you stopped yourself from shrinking and instead laughed lightly. "Of course! There's always next time right?" You said hopefully and Nightpaw smiled. "Sure." And then the group disappeared. Your mentor, Hareheart, took you out hunting and it was while you strayed from your mentors side you saw them all giggling and sitting around. You were quiet, perhaps judging when would be the time to step into the conversation, if just for a brief moment. "StarClan, did you see Dewpaw earlier?" An apprentice had said and you shrank subconsciously. "I know - she's so boring. She takes... so... long.. to talk...." Snakepaw laughed and the apprentices laughed and you found yourself shrinking inwards - your skin collapsing in on itself. "Come on, Snakepaw. Be nice." Hawkpaw said and in that moment, you were so thankful for her voice but Snakepaw laughed. "Oh, I'm sorry Hawkpaw, do you want her here? " He teased and it was her silent laughter that told you the truth of the company you wanted to keep. "She is rather boring." Hawkpaw said softly and that sealed it.
You were quiet for the rest of the day, smiling only briefly when others came to talk to you. You curled up next to Tawnypaw, feeling lonely. So that's when you approached her, perhaps hoping your sister, your only friend would tell you something you wanted to hear. But no, not Tawnypaw. Tawnypaw was brave and bold, never told a lie and was constantly frustrated by her sister's easy-going personality. "It's because you just do whatever anyone tells you to. You are a pushover." She said with a sigh, turning away and staring at you. "Don't worry about that sort of stuff. It's just apprentices being apprentices. We'll show them when we become warriors." She purred and for a brief moment in your life - you felt a bit better.
can you keep a secret?
The smile on your face falters, just for a second before it reappears again - brighter and bigger than ever. "Of course!" You exclaim and then you shush yourself, relishing in the light airy laugh your sister gives you. "Of course." She giggles lightly and then she glances around the camp before she winks at you and turns away - and you follow her out of camp. It doesn't take long for her to turn around and there is a light in her eye you haven't seen in a long time. Tawnypaw - who had been so distant - it feels like you two are sisters again. "Okay - here it goes." Tawnypaw pauses - breathless. "I'm in love." You pause - eyes blinking owlishly. "Oh? That's. That's good news!" You try to get as excited as she is but something isn't right and you shake slightly. "Is it Hawkpaw - she's super nice or. Or is it Nightpaw?" You sort of hope it isn't Nightpaw - the burly black apprentice with the easy smile was your crush although you would rather die than admit that out loud.
"No. Her name is Heatherpaw." Your sister says and she smiles again and this time your smile slips and it's harder to put it back on your face. "Heatherpaw? Oh, I don't know about a Heatherpaw in MarshClan." You say it and you know the answer before Tawnypaw can even speak. But you want her to be wrong. "She's from GladeClan." She whispers and the smiles fall permanently. "GladeClan?" You sputter. "How? Why? I mean" You can't wrap your head around it and you glance to Tawnypaw - eyes begging for an answer. "We met at the gathering a few moons ago and we wanted to continue talking so we met at the borders and at first we were friends but. But I want to be more." She ends the sentence firmly and your fur bristles. "But you can't! It's - It's against the warrior code. If Wolfstar finds out-" You protest. Tawnypaw stares at you - serious and solid. "I love her." She says. What about me? You want to ask. I love you, you are my sister, you are my best friend. What about me? But instead you are quiet. "You won't tell anyone, will you?" She asked, her voice hush and you turn your head away, swallowing thickly. The smile appears on your face - slowly but surely and you say the words she wants to hear. "Of course I won't. I'm - I'm happy for you." You say and she brushes her cheek against your own, purring loudly. You nuzzle back but something is wrong. Is it selfish of you to want your sister back?
are you ready?
Tawnypaw asks but she won't be Tawnypaw soon. She'll be Tawnystrike, or Tawnyfang or Tawnyfur - something amazing and bold just like she is. You can't the words out, the nerves frying your tongue so you just quietly nod. It's a big apprentice ceremony - one of the largest. It's you and Tawnypaw, Hawkpaw sitting beside you - head held high and Nightpaw is beside her, smiling easy as though it hasn't phased him in the slightest and on Tawnypaw's other side, sits Snakepaw. So much has happened in three moons. Your sister has grown more distant, some nights not even caring that she smells like gladeclan territory. Nightpaw has become distant, like the smile is forced and Hawkpaw's muscles bunch at her neck when her father glances her way. You see this, you know you should do something but as always, you are scared to act. Wolfstar calls you up - one by one. Hawktalon, Snaketooth, Nighthawk and then you. Dewbelly, she calls you for your compassion and for your humor and it sticks awkwardly on your tongue when you try to swallow it down. Humor? You have never considered yourself a funny cat and for a moment, you wonder if it's because the leader see you as a joke. You are mediocre, average - just a token name that they gave you? You don't dwell on it for long because it's Tawnypaw's turn now and with a soft smile, Wolfstar names tawnypaw Tawnytail for her exceptional hunting skills and her bold personality and while the clan cheers, “Nighthawk, Hawktalon, Tawnytail, Snaketooth!” they have forgotten you. You don’t even add your own voice to the call, you just let it wash over you.
didn't you hear?
Hawktalon asks you and you are cold, frozen. you are dimly aware that you might be holding something in your jaw because you hear the bones break, the shards falling on your tongue, exploding in your mouth and you drop it. "What." You ask, breathless, not a question but a plead that they must be wrong. Poor Hawktalon looks lost, sad and she struggles to say the words. "What." You try again but it comes out breathless and strangled. "I'm sorry Dewbelly." She says, tail reaching out to touch you and you want to shrug it away, rip it from your shoulder and demand to know the truth because surely Hawktalon must be lying because there is no way that Tawnytail would abandon you, there is no way that Tawnytail would leave you behind. She's the only friend you have. Someone's shushing something - you, it must be - because you realize you are crying, sobbing into Hawktalon's shoulder and she is calm, her head resting on yours as you try to find comfort. Tawnytail is gone and you know where.
are you okay?
You ask and Snaketooth turns to you - fur bristling. You are tired, and sore. There is a new scar on your shoulder and another empty spot in your heart - a place that once occupied by your father. But he's gone. Dead from injuries just like Snaketooth's father. The two of you are alone now, settled in the plains where the grass tickles your pelt and you look into the horizon - oh so tired and you want to sleep and never wake up. Snaketooth stares into the sun like he's daring for it to burn him and the two of you sit and stare. You remember Snaketooth as the thoughtless, insensitive apprentice - the one who mocked you, but then again, all the apprentices did and just thinking of being an apprentice makes you think of Tawnytail and your heart begins to break again. You aren't scared to cry and unlike the first time you heard the awful news, this time it's quiet - like rain dripping from your whiskers.
You and several others went to patrol the border - your father in front with Snaketooth's own dad - demanding locations, names and then the Gladeclan patrol met you with anger and loss and you aren't sure about the lives lost in the battle on GladeClan. But MarshClan lost two fine warriors, your father and Snaketooth's.
You are almost ready to leave, to find the place where Tawnytail confessed to you moons ago but when you turn your head, Snaketooth is crying, his head bent like a bow as the tears shake down his jaw while he trembles. You are shocked, to say the least, because the idea of Snaketooth showing any emotion other than his stubborn pride is foreign to you and suddenly you are beside him, head bent like his - cheeks touching and tears draining from your bodies and you are silent - a moment in which the two of you share your misery.
are you lonely?
it's the question you ask yourself everyday and every day you hope for a better response. that maybe one day you will say no, not today. but in the end, it's always the same. the moment with snaketooth replays in the back of your mind but he moved on and up, eyes set on being deputy and Hawktalon is cold, jaw clenched like she's chewing her tongue and some days you barely see Nighthawk, his eyes uneasy like he's searching for something and you find one another one day, pacing the Meadowclan border because you still hope with all of your empty heart that Tawnytail will visit. He looks at you, and you look at him and you find yourself brave enough to say, "I hope you find what you are looking for." Nighthawk smiles, slow and tired. "I hope you find what you are looking for as well." And you never bother to ask.
Sometimes at night, when the fireflies glow hazily, blinking in the moonlight you find yourself awake and alone, tail curled up and wishing that you weren't sleeping beside an empty nest. At night, when the moon filters into the warriors den and you see the pelts of the warriors you want to be friends with, the family you haven't forgot. You stand outside the warriors den, into your empty nest and you try to stare through the grass and past the fields and you find a hope that somewhere, someone is thinking of you. If just for a second.
are you sad?