GRANDXREADER DELUXE Book 1, Magical meat grinder

It’s a wonderful day today. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and Grand is outside mowing the grass using just her teeth.

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Life has been fairly alright for Y/N. A bit of living here, a bit of suffering there, nothing much. Just regular people things. But about a year ago, Y/N’s life was changed dramatically- or maybe not so dramatically by the sudden inclusion of one Grand Dragonn. ‘Da’ Grand Dragonn, if you’re being super formal about it. 

Being a shapeshifting creature you’d think that it would be hard to describe her, but she usually kept one usually consistent form of a normal-sized body with large hips, a long, somewhat chunky tail and on occasion, wings with slight red tints of varying sizes or large, meaty tentacles that oozed... something. 

N/A was not too knowledgeable with that. 

Her entire body is covered in a piece of clothing similar to that of a morphsuit with extra modifications to fit her tail, and a large hood that covers most of her head, which is the only part of her that was exposed. 

Her face is draconic with medium softness in her features with large, red eyes that don’t stare into your soul because she does not possess such powers, and she can already tell what sins you have committed without going through the hassle of looking through your soul. She can smell them in the air. No amount of deodorant can hide it, you filthy creature.

She has soft, white skin with a texture similar to crushed velvet with two red triangle esque markings running from her cheeks. What a wall of text to read, hey? And you can gather all this information just by taking a glance at any of her thousands of artwork. Wonderful. I gotta buff out all this text somehow, man! How else am I going to get lots of words and large estimated reading time to bring in all you curious yet slightly picky suckers? Bwahaha! You’ve fallen directly into my trap!

Ahem.

Anyways.

It was a normal day like any other for Y/N. You know, doing normal things that Y/N does, which I cannot go into detail. Almost because Y/N is a catch all character for anyone reading this written work of fiction and I cannot be specific otherwise it may clash with what a specific Y/N does. Maybe they were going to school. Maybe they were eating a hamborger and other related pieces of somewhat nutritious junk food at a nondescriptive fast food restaurant. Or sushi. With.... sushi stuff in it. What flavour? Use your imagination, damn. 

...just a normal day. Until, WHAPHM! SLAM! BAM! WHACKACHACKABLAM! ZIMMITY ZAM! WUALITY DUALITY FARTTITTY GA GAM! VA VER ZIGGITY RAM, Grand came rolly-polling down a large, grassy hill directly into N/A, causing N/A to cry out in pain, confusion, surprise and fear! 

Oh no! 

But it doesn’t stop there, dear viewer. It gets much worse! Or better! You pick! You see, instead of gravity doing what it’s supposed to do, Grand and N/A rolled together into a big ol ball with cartoonish glamour, continuing to roll down the large hill which may or may not be inappropriately placed directly into a meat grinder!

Oh no!

But this is no ordinary meat grinder. Turns out it’s a magic meat grinder, and it’s not actually a meat grinder at all! It’s actually a meat-and-bone teleporter! You don’t want to forget those bones, we aren’t octopi. Unless a species of super intelligent octopus either come into human society or take over us or in some other way is reading this particular writing out of the thousands out there, in which case, the bone teleporter is still needed because Grand really isn’t feeling like becoming a spineless worm today. She only does that at 11 pm on fridays when it’s cold. She has a schedule, you know.

Spiralling down a crash-bandicoot esque loading screen, the two dudes plummeted landing with a crash into a large field of flowers, wow! Undertale moment! Guys this is so quirky.

Grand cushioned most of the fall, looking concerned for N/A. Gingerly, she cleaned the flower petals out of N/A’s hair, blushing uwu. “Oh my god. I am so sorry. I totally fucked up.”

“Insert fluffy reaction along the lines of ‘it’s okay I needed an adventure anyway”, replied Y/N.

Grand stood up, dusting the pollen and petals off of her body before offering a hand to help Y/N up. Looking around, they were in a large flower field that transitioned into grass a few metres away. In the distance, they could spot a large farm house and a barn looming ominously hiding the sunlight. The grass was a almost blueish-green, and the sky was pink, purple and yellow like a delicious rainbow caramel paddlepop. 

Grand morphed her face into a vacuum, sucking up a bunch of pollen and dirt off of herself and coughing it back up into a neatly packaged furball, minus the fur and the ball. And the neatly packaged part. She actually just kind of sputtered it everywhere, thankfully not in the direction of Y/N.

“Are you alright?” Inquired Y/N.

“I’m not alwrong so you make your mind up about that...” grand scanned her surroundings , making sure there were no immediate threats such as a giant spider with three dog heads. There were none, thankfully.

Y/N blushes at how smart and dutiful Grand was and how funny she is. Grand flicked her weird hood thing glamorously.

“If we are stranded here with no food I’m going to eat you first. Let’s go explore that big ass barn over there”

“Yes” 

So Grand and Y/N went all the way to the big ass ominous barn. There was nobody in there and it was abandoned.

“Lol cool” grand commented as she licked the dusty walls of the barn.

“Why are you doing that” questioned Y/N.

“Why not”

After a thorough session of dust-licking Grand and Y/N wandered off to explore the nearby farmhouse. Before they entered, Grand tapped Y/N on the shoulder.

“You knock I don’t wanna get any more dust on my knuckles” she grumbled.

“Why? Also, I haven’t gotten your name yet teehee” 

“Because I don’t wanna get any more dust on my knuckles are you deaf”

Y/N may or may not be deaf.

“Nevermind. What’s your name”

“grand. You?”

“Y/N”

“Ok. now open the door before I make you” she threatened as she shapeshifted a tentacle into a unicycle that she began to ride circles around Y/N.

Y/N took a deep, nervous breath as they opened up the door to reveal.... absolutely nothing! The house was empty, aside from a few kitchen amenities built into the wall and whatnot. “Wow...” they breathed, “it’s so large and cavernous. We could live here”

“This is probably the only way you will ever be able to live in a house without rent” Grand studied, knowing about how everyone is currently suffocating underneath student debt and how houses are super expensive. “And hold your horses, or in this case houses. We can live here but we should probably try to find a way out because I ain’t gonna be spending my whole life here I got a tamagotchi to feed.”

“We can’t go back the way we came, though”

“Yeah you right that tamagotchi gonna die I better start mourning now.” Grand then immediately burst into tears, banging the hard wooden floors of the house in grief and mourning. She then stopped as fast as she started, regaining her composure.

Y/N had a nosebleed at this. “Wow so mature”

They then curled up and slept on the hard wooden floors because 1: there are no beds and 2: it’s late and they are so tired 💤 sleepy babies

Y/N awoke to Grand hugging them as if they were a soft fuzzy plush toy, somewhat drooling on their face. Looking outside the window they could see that it was early in the morning, a ray of sunshine shining down on their face almost as if the world was greeting them. They carefully removed their body from Grand’s iron grip, looking out the door to take a better look at the world around them. It was a lot hotter today, Y/N thought. And then, Y/N saw something they were not expecting.

It’s a wonderful day today. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming, and Grand is outside mowing the grass using just her teeth.

“What the f-“ Y/N turned around to where Grand was just sleeping, showing that yes, Grand had in fact just woken up and started mowing the grass within a few moments or possibly even less. When did this happen??

“Dude.. why are you mowing the lawn”

“Because the grass too big”

“There is no lawnmower”

“I am the lawnmower”

“Why are you using your teeth?”

“Because teeth cut the grass”

“Can you taste it”

“Yes”

“Isn’t that gross”

“Nom nom nom nom I consume sustenance. I shall feed on the grass before I feed on you” 

Then, out of nowhere, a giant pitch-black shadowy smoke pterodactyl monster came out and attacked Y/N!

“Eek! Help me!” Cried Y/N as they were lifted into the air, aimlessly thrashing about.

Grand had a devious grin creep up on her face, taking in a deep breath before unleashing a loud, primal pterodactyl screech. The smoke-pterodactyl immediately dropped Y/N with a small thud, thankfully they weren’t up that high. Y/N was perfectly unharmed. The Pterodactyl then set it’s attention to Grand, bowing down to her and attempting a mating dance. 

Now, it should be said that we don’t know what the dinosaurs and other such creatures around their general timeframe did for mating dances, but at the time this work of fiction is being written there is no evidence that the author is aware of that disproves that pterodactyls had a similar mating experience to a spider.

The smoke pterodactyl strutted his stuff, trying everything to try to get the attention and respect of the female. Unfortunately, Grand was not impressed and she ate his head off in one swift chomp. 

“Mmmm, yum yum chicken. Dogmeat. Butter. Fridge.” purred Grand as she rubbed her belly.

Y/N, who had just witnessed this happen with their very own sight-orbs had conflicting emotions. Let’s break them down.

1: Confusion.

What the hell just happened?

2: .... More confusion.

How did? What? How are we in this weird place, and... just.... what the heck?

3: Relief.

Y/N was about to become that smoke-beast’s lunch, and they were glad that Grand was there to save them.

4: Embarrassment.

Ahh! I looked to be so weak in front of Grand! Now maybe she will abandon me on this strange place!

5: lllluu....love. 

Wow Grand just ate the head off of the pterodactyl that’s so metal what a girlboss

Y/N approached the pterodactyl’s dead body, feeling a little bad for him. The poor guy just wanted to get laid.

Grand didn’t take any notice of this as she continued to eat the dead corpse raw. How charming.

Y/N tapped Grand on the shoulder, trying to get her attention. Grand whipped around, her face filled with smoked pterodactyl meat. “WAZZAH?”

“Thank you for saving me, Grand.”

“Yur welcobme” grand replied through bites.

“Sorry that I couldn’t defend myself...”

“hgghhgaaagaaa”

Y/N simply couldn’t hold it in anymore. They knew that they had suddenly just developed a burning crush and fire within their heart for Grand and that they couldn’t spend their life apart.

“Grand, I love you. I want your children.”

“I’ll call you when I have any fir sale”

Well. That went alright. Atleast they didn’t have their head be eaten off.

AND DATS THE END OF ZE STOEEY SO FAR! WILL Y/N WIN THE AAFFECTOON OF GRAND WITHOUT GETTJNG THEIR HEAD BITTEN OFF? WILL THEY SURVIVE IN THE STRANGE LABD? IS GRAND SECRETLY A LAWNMOWER? WILL THEY EVER ESCAPE?? FIND OUT MORE IN THE NEXT BOOK OF GRANDXREADER DELUXE! OUT WHENEVER AND IF I FEEL LIKE IT.

suggestions for the next welcome! Making your own version is encouraged, WHAT IF THERE WAS A AU IF GRAND ATE Y/N’S FACE OFF??? WHO KNOWS! 

GRANDXREADER DELUXE