2:53 AM; “dial tone-ight”

It was happening again.

It was similar but she mainly associated him with steel and stature; though, fall had granted her a silver-stained full moon tonight.

The casual relapse was devastating. 

That weird feeling of going unnoticed. Every now and again she’d feel not really needed. Not really wanted. Not really there. 

“Of course, you’re not needed” was never a sentence presented by anyone except her own insecurities echoing at her in the mirror. The hair, the makeup, the loose, black clothing and the occasional mascara did well with hiding what was behind. It carried the façade of having this stability and strength that she was expected to naturally have. It was easier to hide it during the day, amongst the crowd, around her makeshift family, but it didn’t make the self-doubt and lack of confidence disappear any sooner.

Leilani found herself submitting to her inner turmoil, the depressive episode become all the more intimidating and heavier as the night passed on. The imagery of her own quiet footsteps tapping against sidewalks and dirt stirred the anxiety. The distance she had created by being cooped up in her room for the last week was unintentional. Her mind knew her better than whatever was the matter and the elegance of fixing it came in strides of solitude. 

She remembered reaching out, walking by, standing behind, and just watching all of her friends interact with her. Yet, somehow, she found herself as part of the blurring background of events that just seemed to happen. No brighter than the dim room she enclosed herself in. She took a deep breath in and a jagged cough out. The sudden noise coming from her throat surprised her and knocked her out of her lulling state of mind. She realized that her face was wet with tears but had cooled down from the most recent pause in-between. The drafted text message that had at least been sitting there for now an hour remained with an incomplete word.

This was one of the longest nights she had had in a while. A couple of weeks maybe? Months? She had been depending on stability that came in the form of smokey breaths and prescription glasses that forever needed cleaning. Like the fog outside. Her ribs gave into a quiet inhale. The dulling gray from the outside provided an amount of comfort. 

She tried to reminisce of all the good times where she could truly feel the inclusion, lack of separation, the reason why she had chosen this form of family over her own. At one point or another, they had each found the solutions to their needs and ended up making the best of what couldn’t be fixed. The world had determined that this band of broken, rough hostages of their own doing could only ever fit so perfectly like the custom set they created. 

Like little kids with not enough competency to balance out the consequences. 

Remembering this only brought misery. Five minutes had passed and there she was staring blankly into the white glow color of her phone. She wanted to make the call. 

When did the time disown her from making an appearance to any of the other five members of FS? They were a compatible collective of characters; appearing to be impractical when independent, but a strong, powerful, lively force when combined. Laughter. Joy. A future full of promise that never seemed to end even when the day did. Mandatorily misfits. 

Her room was pitch black, even for twilight hours, and the light of her cell phone burned her dry eyes. 

Despite the fact that the digital clock on her nightstand displayed the time of 2:53 AM, she took the risk of dialing the contact named “Jin”. She was almost fully confident that he would answer but had her reasons for doubt, her hand shaking at the ringing noise that became the centerpiece in the silence. 

Ringing at 2:53 am.

Lights at 2:53 am. Connecting at the next second of emergency.

Jin, broken from his sleep, noticed his phone vibrating the third time and nearly let it fall off of his bedside table before catching it with his unorthodox reflexes; simultaneously making him more awake than he had been when he peered his eyes at the blinking light of his cell phone. He pressed the green button just as he’d seen who it was calling him at this ungodly hour.

“Hey,” he said in his low hoarse voice, though it was more awake considering it was Leilani who called. The one person who would rarely ever phone him other than the spaced-out texts during the day, and even those ever came. 

It was when he sat up in his bed, letting the blanket fall from his bare chest did he find Leilani’s silence to be unnerving.

“Leilani”, he says more as a question than anything. All he gets is a puff of breath from end as though she had been holding her breath the entire time, followed by a muffled sniff as though she had been trying to make her condition invisible to Jin, only his ears were just too keen for her to hide anything from him. 

On the other end of the line, the uncontrollable sobbing slowly became louder as the familiar voice resonated in her ears. Her body was trembling with fear as she felt herself coming to a mental collapse. The breaking point of her mind was easily reached hours ago, only now did it register with the rest of her coping mechanisms. She suddenly felt it was wrong to call him. Especially at this hour. But she had no alternatives. Even to the person she trusted the most, the pain and hurt inside was too indescribable and she didn’t know how to let it out.

She wanted to call his name but nothing came out. First there was relief, then it was quickly exchanged panic. Once panic had taken over, flooding her mind with more insecurities, she held her hand over her mouth, shakily keeping the phone pressed against her ear with the other hand. Hot tears ran down her face as her body tensed, grieving her own current state.

“What’s wrong,” he says it as more of a demand than he should. He was already beginning to feel an unknown anger rumbling underneath his skin and scratching within his gut. 

All he got was a soft, self-depreciating laugh and incoherent explanations of what seems to be following the same train of thought, yet nothing at all, he stops her.

“Tell me where you are.” At this point, Jin had already gone past consoling, much less talking through Leilani over the phone, and decided to take action, lifting himself from his pillow and pulling pants over his boxers.  

He slipped on a shirt from the drawer across the room, never letting the phone even 2 inches away from his ear. It’s when Leilani seemed to have broken down finally that he grunts in frustration, grabbing his keys as the ridges of the metal seem to pierce into his skin as he ran out the door, slamming it behind him with more strength than needed. 

She gave another silent and strained gasp, allowing her body to sink into the blankets as she buried her face into the fabric. She struggled to catch her breath as she wept. She found it hard to hold onto the phone any longer, weakness in her strength becoming more evident as she allowed the phone to be set next to her, landing on the covers of her bed as she clutched her chest.

Everything around her seemed to become suffocating and exhausting. Spilling over. 

“I’m coming to your house right now,” he says as he sees his breaths against the cold, rainy weather of the late fall night.

He nearly opens his own door too wide and contemplates if ripping the door would settle down his aggressively developing temper but decides against it. The last thing he needed was for Leilani to start worrying about him in this condition. His anger was not towards her, it will never be anywhere near her. 

Red light.

Aggravation and distraction.

Red light.

Desperation rang on both ends of the line. 

By the time Leilani’s senses returned to her and by the time Jin had gotten on the road, he finally hears her protests of him coming and he knows it’s probably because she’d rather not have him see her like this.

She continues to cry and the curdling sound of the damage in her voice makes him wrathfully grip the steering wheel. “No. Turn around!” she says.

He knows that she can’t see him and is thankful for that, for the time being, as he furrows his eyebrows in frustration, listening to her voice over the call. 

She profusely apologizes, sniffling in between words and fracturing her statements. “I’m sorry. Jin. Please. Please stop. Turn around.”

Wait.

Red light.

He silently acknowledges and pauses, ignoring the lie and trying to find it in him to carry the weight.

Green light.

But she should’ve known better than to call him because the only person who would do anything for would be none other than Jin. It draws on for a short while and Jin thinks about whether any surveillance cameras caught his speeding. 

Green light.

Green light.

“I’m here,” and he hangs up. 

The sound of Jin’s engine caught her attention as she snapped her head towards the direction of where the headlights began to peek through the blinds of her windows.

Jin looked up at the window of the house he knew belonged to Leilani’s and huffed out a hot breath before treading his feet along the asphalt of her driveway. He ignored the rain falling on his shoulders as it dampened his hair even more against his scalp. He knocked on the door first, out of habit and courtesy, in case Leilani was indecent if he had instead decided to walk in with the key she had given him before. The roof hanging right above the front door didn’t do much good as the droplets of the rain crashing against the ground made the ends of his pants darker with water.

"Leilani, open the door," he says just above a whisper because he knows she can hear him, even with the rain's pitter patter against her home. And even then, he knows she can recognize the low rumble of his voice through the door. When he gets nothing after a pregnant pause, he grits his teeth, and clenches his fist even tighter as he hits it against the door even harder and shouts her name. 

"Either you open the door or I'm going to have to let myself in," and he doesn't mean it much as a threat. He lets her have the option of shutting him out, and he respects it. But being the person he was, he’d never allow something like this to just happen and be swept under the rug as though it never occurred at all. A couple more seconds pass and just as he started deciding between letting his frustration out and knocking the door down as opposed to using the key burning in his pocket, the lock of the door clicks, breaking his thoughts like a gunshot in silence. There’s no movement from the door and Jin doesn’t do anything himself. He let out one more huff of breath in relief rather than exhaustion.

He can’t really tell and is unsure but moves forward, putting his hand against the cold doorknob and turns it.

When he peers around the door, immediately closing the front door behind him, he realizes how warm the house is compared to the cold air still lingering against his back. He doesn’t see Leilani at first but sees her bedroom door open right down the hall and takes that as a green light for him to come in. Still, he was hesitant in his mind. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was allowed to do anything more than to check on her, seeing as she had disappeared before he could even walk into the house. He takes off his boots, walking in a slow pace down the hall in order to give her whatever time she needed to prepare, taking the time to notice that the last time he had been over Leilani’s home there had been less pictures. This time, he saw familiar faces of what he only knew were the members of their makeshift family, including his face making an appearance here and there. Whether he noticed why his face was more prominent than others, he chose not to say as he finally reached Leilani’s room and saw her sitting on her bed curled against herself, tired but awake all the same.

“I told you not to come,” she whispers, just as Jin took a step forward. Her voice comes out evenly but was on the brink of bursting into tears as her words trail off into a broken silence. Jin held back his urge to just cross the room in no more than two steps and carry the weight, enveloping her with all he has and shield her from the cruelty and disdain from the outside world. Even in the midst of the blankets and layering of an oversized sweater, she just looked so cold. He just wanted to keep her warm. The thoughts in his head cause his own eyeball to itch uncomfortably.

“Leilani- “he starts, only to stop immediately when she puts her hands against her eyes to block his vision as the tears already began flowing down her cheeks. 

Not one second later he’s already at the edge of the bed on his knees, looking up at her and again resists the urge to hold her because he knows that she can’t handle being touched. Alternatively, he lays his right arm around her to just let her know he’s near and lays a hand at the end of her feet as he tries her name again.

He doesn’t quite understand what she’s saying again and he can only look up at her softly as he sits back on the heels of his feet and tries to let her cry it out. The moonlight dimly glimmered through the window, only being interrupted by the outrage of droplets from the rain. Jin feels his features going softer, the frown leaving from his scrunched eyebrows as he relaxes his jaw from grinding his teeth together. He just wants her to feel alright but even him being here might as well be the reason why she could have been crying. 

As the thought runs through his head, Leilani suddenly pulls closer and the next thing he knows he has an armful of just her as his back hits against her wooden dresser. The vice grip of her nails digging into his skin and pulling the back of his shirt, the soft sobs of Leilani’s cries against his chest is just enough to unsettle him. He contemplates if he should say something. After a few seconds of shock, he slowly allows himself to wrap his arms around her slender torso, Leilani shaking with even more intensity after he made the move. He shifts their positions a little and she curls her legs even more into herself as he folds his legs around her, successfully protecting her and making himself a shield for her.

Oddly enough as though she had asked him for comfort, he found comfort with her in his arms, taking note of her scent as her head laid underneath his nose, her hands now shaped around her face to deafen the sound of her cries. It wasn’t quite as aggressive earlier when she was bawling her whole heart out to him over the phone but it still wasn’t the last of what he felt she had inside to let go of. He thinks about it long enough with her trembling figure against his and shushes her softly, putting his cheek against her head and closing his eyes, rubbing her back in comfort. This time she reciprocated the hug, reaching across his sides and restlessly letting them fall on his back. 

For the first time since he could remember after walking through the door and being saved from the rain, he exhales. 

Neither of them addresses the rapid heartbeats between them, whether it was due to the panic, the stress, or the sudden crashing of thunder that made them jolt. As she sobbed, she took notice of his drenched clothes, not minding it so much due to the fact that her face was already flooded with tears. Leilani tries to steady her breathing, mentally apologizing to Jin. It felt good to have the contrast of her hot tears against his cold shirt, steadily calming the effects of her madness. She was greeted with an emotion of fulfillment and warmth. 

Leilani closed her eyes and began to breathe his air, getting drunk off of his presence. She had felt him relax just a bit after the embrace and made effort to copy that. In this very moment she felt completely fine. Nothing was wrong, no more heavy breathing or crying, but only every now and again would a small tear slip past her eyes and she’d rub her face into his clothes. She snuggled closer into him, if at all possible, lifting herself to comfortably rest her head in the crook of his neck. He seemed to allow it, only re-adjusting himself while keeping his hands against her back, continuing the comforting motion between her shoulders. 

With caution she choked, clearing her throat from being strained just minutes ago. 

“You know…you know how you have those days when nothing has changed…. and you do the same thing you’ve always done but something – something feels like you’re moving backwards?” she paused, breathing in and debating her words. Her voice was hoarse from all the crying and she realized how terrifyingly awake and alert she was.

He nodded, “Yeah.” As if to ask her to keep going.

She closed her eyes and quietly breathed, trying to match her still pitter-pattering heart to the gentler steadiness Jin had. “How can you…. just stop going backwards? If nothing else is happening, how can I move backwards?” her voice carried frustration and fear.

“Maybe that’s why you’re moving backwards.” He responded.

“Because nothing’s—happening?”

He hesitated. “Do you want something to happen?”

“No- I don’t – “she paused, breathing in. “No, I don’t think so.” She sighed, breathing out.

He absentmindedly began stroking her hair, running his fingers closer. “You want something good to happen,” he replied. “So that you have a reason to say you’re not moving backwards?”

She nodded, “Yeah. Like proof.”

 He looked up at the ceiling, still caressing her hair as he stared into the dark looking for an answer. He momentarily distracted himself by listening to the sound of the rain from the window and how it hit, watching the occasional headlights hit the ceiling and wall as they passed by. 

“Is this why you’ve been gone for so long?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she whispered.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says before she can continue with another apology, hearing the sharp breath she took. “But don’t take so long to call me next time.”

“I didn’t want to-“

“You’re not gonna bother me,” he interrupts, a slight irritation in his voice. He can feel her eyelashes brush against his neck as she closes her eyes. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” she thanks. He hums in acknowledgement. 

After mulling over the right or appropriate response, he settles within himself to go with one of the only other routes he knows. “Come out with us tomorrow. We’ll do something.” 

She laughs with a light hint of sarcasm, knowing why he’d choose that decision. 

“I’m not waking up early to-“

“You don’t have to,” he cuts in, again. “Just let us know when you’re up.”

She silently contemplated to herself, her eyes starting to water. “I don’t want to be up anymore.”

It strikes Jin with both surprise and hurt to finally be able to hear one of the incoherent confessions she was making earlier, finding it harder and harder to let her go from his arms. She scratches lightly against his back for consolation again and his eyes start to itch impatiently. Why couldn’t he hold her closer and shelter her? Many thoughts began to race in his mind, dissecting her previous statement and caused a lump to form in his throat. He could relate, at least in one point in time, to what she was feeling and could only imagine how through the night she had been desperately incapable of releasing her own agony. He could feel a shout of resentment bottle up and build in his lungs, tightly shutting his eyes and holding back his strength as to not crush her. 

“Please just be with all of us, Leilani,” he silently croaks, pressing his cheek closer to hers as he lightly pulls on the ends of her hair, curling them in his fists. “You don’t have to do anything.”

She doesn’t respond and he can feel the wetness of her tears translate to his face and drop down his neck. 

Though the rain behind them already acts as static white noise, he hushes his tone more, tenderly requesting for her presence during daylight. “I just wanna make sure you’re okay,” he says.

Her hands creep closer to his shoulder blades and neck, silently crying beneath his chin. “Okay,” she manages to reply with a rasp. 

The lightness and emptiness of her response concerns him but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he listens for her breathing, the childlike whimpers slowly falling away after minutes of silence between them. Eventually, the tears stop but he was determined to keep protective arms around her until she was ready to openly reject him or push him away. He expected it after a while but she just laid still against his chest, like a doll. 

His constant patting on her back steadies her tempo, both mentally and emotionally, and she starts to inhale and exhale in time again. She quietly continued to explain her mental state again, this time without apology and without causing more unease to Jin as the tears finally seemed to be emptied out, brokenly admitting the numerous insecurities she felt. Leilani denied herself of any merit, any respect she received from those she considered her extended family of sorts, and dismantled her own worth amongst them. She admitted to Jin that her absence or presence didn’t really seem to matter. That the expectation put before her was weighing her down. The expectation of being capable when she was clearly fragile, the standards of being rational when she considered herself to be the most uncertain, and the fear of falling through all of the cracks of her past. 

It was happening again.

It was similar but she mainly associated herself with nothing but being insecure and incomplete; an ever-falling rain that flooded her mind without the promise of clearing.

She described it as being tired of enduring for something with such little hope left. Leilani admitted that hanging onto this mindset was like holding onto strings that just lead to weights but she didn’t know how to ever let go. She told herself that this was what would eventually make her strong but with every year that passed, it seemed to only strengthen her defense and weaken her progress. It was fight against herself, losing on both ends. 

The casual relapse was devastating. 

Jin aided her with an open ear, letting her expose her honest thoughts and feelings, knowing that somehow, she could trust him to comfortably untangle all of the wounds that plagued her, past or present. If he could somehow liberate her, rescue her, from the harsh realities she’s had to face, he’d willing tear open a part of himself to her. And he did. It took little hesitation for him to exhale once again, preparing himself for the worst if Leilani were to process his character with different views after revealing more of his true nature but it didn’t matter.

3:55 in the morning comes around and they talked about their mistakes and deepest regrets. Some major, others miniscule in comparison but nonetheless something they wished they hadn’t done in the past. Jin talked about his time during service when he was in the military and how he managed to escape severe situations when others didn’t. It made him feel both regret and guilt, even if he was watching soldiers that he had a personal distaste for. There was nothing quite deafening like gunshots. Leilani described the times when she had to purposely break friendships off because it took a lot of betrayal for her to understand that she was just being used. She mentioned that before Jin, she had completely isolated herself from the outside because of how she was ostracized during high school. 

She started to cry again when she had to tell her parents about a situation that she refrained from detailing, Jin intently listening as he rubbed his thumbs against her shoulder. It wasn’t the right time for questions. He told her that he regretted other changes in his life, like when he decided to start smoking. It was at a young age when he was impressionable and did it for the aesthetic. Tiredly, Leilani laughed. She regretted giving up ballet. 

4:30 AM comes around and they discussed the weather. The rain had somewhat settled down, occasional drops of water hitting against the window. Jin hated the hot summers because it reminded him of the desert whereas Leilani couldn’t stand the icy, winters because it froze her nose. They both agreed that spring and fall were probably the best times because of the mixed, yet unpredictable weather. In ways, that explained the both of them. He preferred days that were somewhat cooler and overcast, the sun peering through clouds that kept the ground warm. He spared costs on using the heater in the bar he worked at. She liked it a little hotter because blue days were just more fulfilling, increasing her productivity. Everything felt alive.

He added that he hated to sweat and that heat makes him irritable, naturally already being centrally heated from the inside. He felt a smile creep on Leilani’s face as her cheek pressed against his and she gave a small giggle, moving one of her hands to hold his as he let it rest to the ground. 

5:30 AM rolls around and they wanted to talk about their future. She wasn’t sure what to do long term and he didn’t know what to do the next day. Jin assumed that his livelihood would be built on consistency and somewhat on monotony, not changing too much because it was easier to keep things certain. She teased him and said that he was the most mysterious person she knew. Jin smirked. He didn’t doubt that. He encouraged her to try new things, follow her current path, and wait for the right opportunities to naturally present themselves. She showed promise and was dependable. 

6:30 AM peeks through the spaces between the blinds and Leilani has long fallen asleep into his chest, absent from the bonds that she struggled with during midnight, peacefully entering a new day. 

It’s 9:52 AM and she blinks, waking up in her bed and turns to the side, knowing that Jin left a long time ago. Sunshine peered through the blinds and there is no evidence of any downpour. She scratches her head and yawns. 

Her room was illuminating with warmth and the blinking of the cell phone notification from her unread messages doesn’t disturb her. 

She knows Jin is patiently waiting for a response on the other end of the text and sits up to continue the conversation.

There was still an unsettling familiarity to all of this happening again but never has it happened under a full moon with someone who tenderly cared for her needs, silver hair, rain-stained, and all. And if it needed to happen again, the relapse wouldn’t be as devastating. 

~

“Say it before the sunrise and let me steal the emptiness that so heavily keeps your eyes from looking at me.”

“Say it before sunrise because I don’t think if it’s not midnight, you’d treat me so eloquently.”

“Vulnerability is a difficult place, so let’s keep our space, moonlit only.”