Love me (Love me not)

For some people, saying I love you was simple.

I love your eyes, I love your voice, I love how your laugh sounds when we’re supposed to be quiet.

Mudmoon knew how to love. She loved Spiderstar, and she loved Puffheart, and Bluenose, and Soulsad. And she loved-

Well.

She and Pinksun were close! Besties! And that was great, that would’ve been enough for her.

(It wouldn’t have been.)

But they’re… Something more. More substantial, she’s sure. She knew attraction as well as she knew love, she knew this was attraction, but could she love-

It was hard. Sorrys had been said, late night apologies by the moon and early morning thank you’s by the cusped sun. They shared a nest, shared a den, shared a life. Friend groups intertwined, families brought together. Even Cougarsnatch was coming around, slowly, to the idea of them together.

Together?

Was that what they were?

It had to be, though they never really discussed it. 

---

Pinksun was the first one to say the three words, and Mudmoon was the first to brush past it with a chuckle and request to go hunting together. There was a dejected look on the smaller cat’s face that made her heart crumple, but what could she say?

She knew what she could say! Simple words, three simple words. That’s not a lot. But she couldn’t get her mouth to cooperate, just grimaced whenever she tried. 

What was it about Pinksun? They were Leaders together, partners. Pinksun was in love with her, a colorful and flowery statement that she couldn’t fathom. The most beautiful cat in the clan, in love with her?

And she couldn’t say it back.

She felt like her life was breaking before her, when in reality it was a sunny day with everyone in the clan happy. Cats purred with full bellies next to their loved ones. She did the same thing with Pinksun, was she a loved one? Could you be a loved one without having ‘I love you’ said?

Speak thy name and thy shall come, because not long into her trance a fluffy mane came into view, heading right towards her. 

She smiled that pretty smile, setting a sunfish at her feet with a twinkling and mischievous expression. Went on about her day, about how she was getting better with the clan, rebuilding her relationships.

And it made Mudmoon so happy. So, so happy that she could have such a radiant cat in her life. She listened with understanding nods while eating, having to pause a few times to laugh at the ridiculous antics of her mate.

Oh, mates? Was that what they were now?

—

Mudmoon was hurting her.

She was hurting her mate- The one person who really understood her, despite those many moons they had been apart from each other during their younger years of foolishness and mayhem. 

Pinksun was hurting and it was all Mudmoon’s fault.

The smaller cat didn’t say anything, but it was hard not to notice when you spent so much time together. Her eyes didn’t quite light up anymore and even though her playful taunts had increased tenfold, she didn’t seem to take joy in them.

Everytime she said ‘I love you’ Mudmoon would watch a part of her crack when the worded affection wasn’t returned. It didn’t matter if Mudmoon would give Pinksun her favorite part of the kill, or how she would let her take over the hunting parties when she knew she needed to stretch her legs. None of it mattered, because Mudmoon never confirmed what it meant.

That she was in l-

It happened again. Another night alone with each other, in their den, by their nest. She quietly purred out the words while cuddling up to Mudmoon, her soft pink fur tangling in the larger cat’s coarse, sand-colored fur.

And Mudmoon only purred, only pulled her a touch closer, but never once did she make the attempt to utter it back.

Pinksun had been so, so patient with her. Far more lenience was granted than she deserved, really. The determined little she cat had tried everything and everywhere. Surrounded by people, completely alone, by the river, in the forest, over a meal, while sparring- There were so many opportunities.

So many unresponsive moments on Mudmoon’s part.

The blonde cat’s ear twitched when Pinksun sighed, and it sent a shock down her system, right into her heart.

If she could still feel it, did that mean it was still working?

Why hadn’t she said it back?