Special issue on the Passenger Pigeon

Special issue on the passenger pigeon

1 human bone .

The Punishment Sentinel

!! SPECIAL ISSUE: GUIDE TO OUR NATIONAL BIRD !!
Our dear Passenger Pigeons
 ^{~Dearest Leader}

It's complicated. At one point in time, before now, there were billions. The passenger pigeon was known to be an incredible feat of evolution. All across the continent of North America, flocks, clouds of birds, could darken the sky for days, droppings and feathers coming down in a storm. Fields decimated, ancient trees fallen, they were an unstoppable force. Ruthlessly efficient. Then came us. We oppressed them, we told them differently, we warred against mother nature as we tend to do. We wiped them out, upwards of 5 billion birds, terminated. Stick your gun into the sky, and birds would fall out of the sky. Our holy bird, was hunted endlessly, with no regard to their power. In a little over 60 years, they left the wild. Soon after, the endling of the first dynasty, Martha, left us. It was a martyr. Our lord died alone to preserve the first reign of the passenger pigeon.

“Extinct is extinct, that’s the end”, purists of the natural world claimed. However, we discovered differently, and we said so— It’s never too late.

It started when People came knocking on our Mother’s door, for months, years, asking to see our national bird, not realizing, it no longer existed. The people who knew this were beyond distressed. One man was wanting a funeral for his “dead” bird, a chef was asking for a taste of its flesh, and eventually, a reasonable robot who simply wanted to rebuild the migrating bird's body, all came to her door. The robot's proposal would save our good leader much hassle and stress, and so the project was conceived. We weren’t the most technologically, or economically advanced, but our scientists worked, they worked their asses off, day and night for our leader and in Martha’s name.

After years of research and experimentation, the passenger pigeon was declared successfully de-extinct. Real, live passenger pigeons were able to be produced in labs hundreds of years after the last one died. However, these lab-grown birds didn't live very long, they existed solely and permanently in a comatose state. These were certainly passenger pigeons developing, but hardly. Fortunately for the passenger pigeon-loving scientists living in the land that would soon be known as Pain Suffering and Despair, they were able to develop an extremely cheap prosthetic system for the birds that kept them alive for a very long time. No longer were they on intensive care for a short time, but thriving in their comatose state until perfectly ripe for their robotic parts. The system allowed them to fly freely, and happily through the sky. Later on, cameras were added to their systems, and the health of the birds slowly improved as the system grew more advanced, and the modern passenger pigeon was created.

Where does it live nowadays? The range of the modern passenger pigeon almost perfectly overlaps with the borders of our nation. Wherever you go in Pain Suffering and Despair, you can find passenger pigeons somewhere. They're especially abundant at the edges of cities and in farming communities, and there's a flock of millions, the largest, being raised in Punishment. Just like regular doves, they can be found around the cities of Pain Suffering and Despair, as pigeons do.

How to handle and treat a passenger pigeon. These holy birds are here to listen to what you have to say, spread messages from above, and report to us. They are far beyond us at this point, and we must do what we can to respect and please these creatures at any cost.

Some people are bold. We get plenty of questions on the bird. Generally, I'm opposed to that, but allow me say something important in response to a common one. We are still keeping these patriotic guard birds around? They were eliminated, why mingle? To answer: questions like this shouldn’t be asked in the first place, but the answer is considerably simple. These pigeons were always above us. The way they were able to thrive in groups of billions, their efficiency at gathering food for their large people, it's the epitamy of socialism. It was wrong to chase them off in the first place, and we weren't a whole without these birds in our nation.

Simple rule: don't touch the bird. It's repulsed by human contact and can even explode. If one were to kill someone, it is entirely that person's fault. What would people do to it? Praise the bird for being a good hitman and a brave sacrifice. The people who do not know how to treat passenger pigeons, firstly, no longer exist. Secondly, the passenger pigeon can really mess you up. Don’t think you’re the only one that gets the privilege of fun when criminals and sinners are being

But most of us are good, so this should not apply to you if you’re here, reading this. They should bring a sense of pride to you, or there’s something wrong with you. Trust the pigeons with everthing you have, there’s nothing you can lose. These birds are here to help you.

Anyone who lives in Pain Suffering and Despair is a Marthain (yes, named after Martha herself). Your duty is to respect and serve the pigeons, and praise Martha, the endling of the first reign of passenger pigeons. You are obligated to help this flock thrive, and in turn, they'll help you throughout life. Personal assistants summonable via prayer. There are cameras and people watching nearly everywhere, and something or someone will always hear you. It's like the anicent Alexa dot.

Across all of Pain Suffering and Despair, we are encouraged to think as one (hivemind flock) and put aside any disagreements. Though the other Nations of Bitch World may not be so tolerant themselves of having people of other religions, Marthain people in other Bitch World nations outside are tolerated, but Pain Suffering and Despair would be LIVID if they discovered anyone outside of their little cluster attempting to practice their religion.

The passenger pigeon is an important symbol of our society and, by extension our religion. Never forget that. We were the oppressed people, the eternal, ever watchful flock, watched by and watching these beautiful gregarious birds. We are not worthy of these re-risen animals, yet they live here with us anyway. We are bringing them back, allowing them to rise up once again, and they are blessing us.

The modern passenger pigeons of Pain Suffering and Despair are a spectacle. They keep this well-oiled machine running. We hope to be as transparent with you, people of Pain, Suffering, and Despair, as much as possible. We hope this clears up any and all questions, please stop asking questions, as they're bad for your health. Anything further regarding our birds will automatically be ignored.

Some anatomy for context.

They’re not totally pigeons, they're not exactly alive even. In fact, we’ve noticed a few Pain Suffering and Despairians think of them as and even call them robotic formaldehyde showers, hurdling their corpses through the city sky. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

If you look at outdated and radical foreign sources, they’ll say it’s extinct. But, you’ve seen it, you see them every day, so what’s the story?

• The number one rule when you see a passenger pigeon, is to never threaten or disrespect it. This is a no-brainer, but this is exactly what hurt our angels in the first place. When you see a passenger pigeon up close and in person, don’t even think about pulling your gun on it. Killing a passenger pigeon is the worst offense you could commit. For as long as you live, you will be humiliated and tortured endlessly before being killed in the worst possible way. And you can never get away with it either, as the passenger pigeons are never alone, equipped with cameras, and almost certainly have your face registered.
• Passenger pigeon feathers are illegal to keep and must be sent to a feather burning facility if found. You can be killed if you're found in possession of one, however, there is a huge black market for pigeon feathers if you manage to pick one up without being caught.
• It's unlawful to take one of these birds out of their natural habitat. We can track and control where they're going, and they explode immediately upon human touch. There’s nothing in our laws stopping a skilled passenger pigeon expert from luring one onto their property (if it’s in their natural range, which our nation is underneath the entire range of the bird, so…), or usually a few, into captivity. Their self-destruct system makes it difficult, and the fact that a person will be even more watched than they may want to deters many people
• Don’t be afraid though. These birds are here for your benefit, and almost nobody anymore does this. We’ve learned our lesson.

Click to hide...Not an average human's intelligence, but compared to the sheer stupidity of a Pain Suffering and Despairian citizen, they're extremely intelligent.