A Broken Journal

Hi Emery,

How is it up there? Is the world brighter from above? It’s been a whole year without you!

Everyone has been busy, including myself. Culinary school has giving me such a hard time, but I’m sure I can endure it. Trying to jumble it with working in Faith’s restaurant along with managing the new bakery - I honestly can’t tell that the two years passed by. I’ve been so busy everyday; I lose track of everything. I even lose sleep too.

Did you know that Jackie and Luka are dating? Regret found himself another boyfriend in the Philippines; who knows when he’s coming back. Motto’s not going to college but he’s definitely making his way up there - he invited me to be their bass player in their rock band but I have no time for that at all! He spends most of his time with his girlfriend now.
Nio and Lin? I haven’t heard from them since they went back to Mexico; I saw their post online and they were at some concert in Korea… but that was weeks ago. The two of them have been everywhere!

But…

There was never a day where you weren’t on my mind, you know? If it’s about you, my whole world slows down. It slows down my day and it gives me a chance to take my time and relax. Everything around me has been running through so fast, that I felt like I’m the one being left behind. I manage this store all by myself, with little to no help. As time passes, our friends have been visiting less than less. I’ve been missing those days where we’d be singing songs in the kitchen and then all of us huddling up in the bedroom just to watch the latest episodes.

There will be days where all of you guys helped me out in the bakery during the holidays. Almost every season, we’d have each other and celebrate Christmas together. New Years we’d be hanging around Gret’s house playing games or we’d hang around Viktor’s home checking out the fireworks. On my birthday three years ago, you guys tried so hard to bake me a cake; Nio accidentally added too much flour that the cake tasted completely… wrong.

I ate it all because I loved every single one of you. All I had left was you. Why would I turn down a cake that you all made for me, when I've been cooking for you guys this whole time?
But after all this, all that was left was you. All that I had left was you.

No one didn’t realize what you’ve been going through that. I gave you the key to the bakery you came by everyday. Have you realized that?
You say you’ll be fine, but later that day I find myself touching a damp spot on my pillow. Have you been crying because of him? 

You should’ve given up on him long time ago. I knew it was all going to come down in the end. All that love for him left a bitter taste, and in the end all that effort was for nothing. It was already a one-sided love but all that optimism made you blind. You were smart enough to go for any guy,

But why him? Why not Chanse? Why not Lucen? You could’ve gone back with Hyde. Ken would’ve been a great guy to date too! There’s so many better guys…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I’ve realized that I never let my feelings out personally to you. I’ll say it. I’ll stop hiding.

Everyone knew about it. Even you knew about it. You guys would tease me every once in a while about it that it was almost bullying. You’d find some way to pin my heart with needles by your half-hearted words. They were jokes, but sometimes you find some way to jumble it around like a toy. You’d always bring up “We’ll go out one day” or “Maybe we can go on a date.” 

I can’t keep my hopes up because you fell in love - you fell hard. I fell hard too. You only fell harder.

There’s not a single word to express how much I love you. Not a single phrase to express my gratitude from saving me from being alone. You were as awkward as me, but I could read the meaning between the words. I understood everything you say and I knew what your plan is. You swept away the expectations I had for you as you tried to get me to be your friend when I didn’t want to.
Did you know that you have a cute smile? Did you know that your eyes are beautiful? That snarky grin of yours is cute. The way you claim that your size is what’s bringing you back? Simply adorable.

Compared to our friends, I have no ambitions. I hate everything about myself. My purpose to everything I do is practically non-existent.

Because of it, I wasn’t able to tell you all of that.

I’m sure if I told you maybe things wouldn’t turn out this way. We would have each other like we had been for years.
There would’ve been a day where all you had left was me.

Others would say that you’re too inconsiderate to even share the same feelings.

It’s my fault that I didn’t say anything.
My words would’ve reached you. Yet they can’t reach you now from where you are.

Why did you have to leave, Emery? You were the last to leave.

You’ll never come back. Not because you wanted to, it's because you can't anymore.

So what’s the point in holding in this facade? What is the reason to express kindness and gratitude to those I don’t like? A reason to compliment and send praise? Treat them as if they were better than me?

I've been hiding this, being chained with a lock and key while all of you weren't afraid to show who you guys really are. I've lied to you guys from the very beginning. Would you still call me a friend? What about them? If they knew who I am, would they accept me?

I'm so scared.

The only thing that I knew I was confident about...

...was you being the one that would understand the most if I were to show who I really am?

This past year I’ve been thinking that the way I’ve acted was the reason why I was too late and the reason why I fell too far behind from everyone. There was never a reason to hate someone, but now I’ve finally grown a sense of loathe towards someone.

I’m not saying that I’m going to become better than I am before. 

I’ve finally want to break out of here now. I just want to break.