STS | A Needed Conversation

[Milkweedpaw]

Milkweedpaw followed after Pumpkinstem, her gaze fixated on her paws instead of scanning her surroundings as she would usually do. She began to start trying to say something, uttering "I- He- er.. ears..." before giving up to take another deep breath. She started somewhat clawing into the ground as she walked before spitting it out, rather blunty stating "My ears are broken." 

[Pumpkinstem]

Pumpkinstem stops in place after the sudden remark, though not out of surprise- rather, she seems just confused. She eyes Milkweedpaw up and down before studying her ears inquisitively. "Like... you can't hear?" she asks flat-out.

Her whiskers twitch in amusement at her apprentice's odd choice of words, a mistaken emotion with the current situation, but hopefully that wasn't noticed by the younger feline. Pumpkinstem tiptoes back and forth with what to say next, or if she should say anything at all, or if she should just let her apprentice talk. "Well, first off," she begins. "Is this some self-diagnosis thing, or did you go to someone and actually get that checked out? 'Cause the last time I checked, you were busy moping in your nest."

Clearing her throat, she realizes maybe those weren't the best words. "Is... that why you're all upset? 'Cause of your ears? Milk, I..." She hesitates. "I wish I knew, so I could give you the training you need. Maybe this bites us both in the butt. But whatever, it's not gonna stop us from doing what we need to do. So long as you're still my apprentice, I'm gonna train you, even if both of your ears got chopped off and you're missing all your toes."

[Milkweedpaw]

Milkweedpaw kept her gaze focused steadily on the ground once they had stopped, seemingly ashamed. When Pumpkinstem mentioned the moping though, she was sure to shoot daggers with a glare, but remained silent. She wasn't technically wrong, and therefore meant she should tolerate sloghtly harsher words, but still...

Milkweedpaw let Pumpkinstem continue to finish speaking, her jaws clenching in her own self-frustration. Or perhaps she was feeling taunted by the way Pumpkinstem's voice sounded now - she could hear her mentor's every word, but they sounded muffled. It wasn't too bad, but... that's not how she used to sound. "I... I haven't been to the herbalist's den..." she began slowly, but was sure to quickly follow up with "But if I went, then Juniperpaw - hop - or Vipershadow might notice, and they can't know. But I know when something is wrong," she said the last part rather fiercely, making sure that her point came across. "It wasn't like this before. I felt it during the assessment," she began again, her voice evening out from recalling the events. As she continued to speak, it gradually and visibly grew easier for her. "I can still hear, or well, I can hear you right now. But you sound... muffled? Like someone's paws are over my ears. I don't think I can hear things far away-" she cut herself off, wondering if any of this was making sense, or if Pumpkinstem even wanted to hear it. She was rambling at this point, so that was probably annoying, right? Now when in the world had she started to care about that.

"But it's not... debilitating I guess... but it happened so fast. What if Vipershadow is disappointed because I'm not normal anymore? What if Juniperhop gets mad that I failed and didn't rank up with her? And I guess I hurt Maggotscorn's feelings but I don't know how-" she cut herself off again, looking back up at Pumpkinstem, before feeling water in her eyes and turning her head back down. When did she turn into such a talkative softie? Why was it so hard to just keep a straight face about this? Sniffling and furrowing her brows, Milkweedpaw continued on, this time her tone much more dry and defeated. "I failed my assessment because I wasn't able to adapt to the changes, even though my claws and nose work fine. I... didn't meet expectations."

[Pumpkinstem]

Pumpkinstem's gaze drifts away from her apprentice, focused on the ground in front of her and the feeling that it provides to her paws. It helps her think. She considers Milkweedpaw's words, leaving a gap of silence before the response. When she hears sniffling though, her irises dart over to the molly, and she closes the distance between the two, shoulders just barely touching.

"Why do you think that?" she asks genuinely. "I'm not gonna lie and say I know Viper and Juniper that well- I don't- but are they really gonna treat you like trash just because you got hearing issues?" If she accepts, Pumpkinstem will gradually place her tail against Milkweedpaw's back comfortingly. "If you really want some warrior advice and not some bull crap training exercise, here's this: you gotta be realistic with your thinking. All these 'what-ifs' are gonna lead you to failure more times than not."

She can't help but crack a smile. "I know I love talking about it, but hey, it's a good example. Do you think while fighting that bobcat I was constantly thinking about 'what if I get hurt', 'what if I don't see anyone again', 'what if I'm risking my life for nothing'? No, I just did my job, and it worked out in the end. All that anxiety from asking stupid, pointless questions wasn't messing up my head. I did what I had to do."

Pumpkinstem separates herself from Milkweedpaw, giving her space. "What do you think you have to do? Well, what I think is... you need'a head over to the herbalist's den as soon as we get back. And talk to your family about it too, but that's just my thinking. I don't wanna dictate your life."

She gives her apprentice a lookover, trying to discern if she's heading in the right direction conversation-wise. "It's hard to adapt to what you don't expect. Juniper didn't go through losing her hearing at the end of her training, I didn't either- I don't think most cats go through that. Give yourself some slack, 'cause whether you like it or not, your situation's different. It's gonna require more effort on your part, but in the end, isn't that a good thing?"

[Milkweedpaw]

Milkweedpaw flinched slightly at the feeling of fur on her back, but didn't object further. She remained silent once more, carefully considering Pumpkinstem's words now, while her mind was relatively clear. She couldn't deny the fact it all made sense, but a part of her still couldn't help but feel irrational. "No... they won't," she forced herself to say, despite it being only half-heartedly. Vipershadow had not once given her reason to make her think he'd abandon her, but it'd be a lie to say she didn't still think about Cordelia every now and then, and project that onto Vipershadow in times like these. Juniperhop didn't have problems with anyone, so naturally, it was just nonsense to think that of her - but maybe it was less fear of her sister's thoughts. Maybe she was more angry instead... but Pumpkinstem probably didn't need to hear that part. 

She proceeded to listen as Pumpkinstem relayed her own experiences. Half of her didn't want to believe it - they were two different cats - but, everything else up to this point was... making sense. Had it really been anxiety that shook her up? She could always tell when other cats were feeling nervous, but she'd always thought of herself as untouchable when it came to such silly emotions. It would seem Milkweedpaw did not know herself as well as she thought.

"Alright," she agreed, her voice hardening to sound less defeated, perhaps a bit more confident - perhaps moreso like she was talking to herself instead of replying to Pumpkinstem.

"Tha-... I appreciate you talking to me," it seemed she couldn't quite say a 'thank you,' but still did her best to convey it in other words. "True. I will do my best again. Don't go easy on the training because of this, though," she added, somewhat sternly. It did feel relieving to say it all out loud, and to know that somebody else knew too - despite whether she wanted to accept that fact or not. "Can we... go back to camp?" Milkweedpaw started hesitantly - she was in no way excited to get checked out, but even if she didn't want to, she probably owed it to Pumpkinstem to do so anyway.