Losing your very self

They’re so underrated ! Sometimes it feels a bit too heavy to listen to but there’s always so much emotion. It just feels so raw and real, you know ?

(“Real huh… As if you’d know.. You think you can understand people so well.. Fucking bullshit I tell you.”)

After all.. How could you ever claim to know the feelings of someone who can’t recognize them ? People like to pretend otherwise but in the end.. Some things cannot be understood.

No matter how much Will keeps strumming the guitar in his hands, the melodies coming to his head.. It all feels unrecognizable to him. As if none of them came from his own mind, rather something unknown that found its way into his head, leaving behind nothing but strange tunes. He keeps playing that same guitar, his frustration growing each time the pick goes across the strings yet despite his constant attempts.. Nothing. Not a single tune, or even an idea for an actual lyric, something that isn’t him only ranting about the chaos occurring in his head. He stares down at the instrument one more time, his thoughts suddenly going entirely silent..

So much for that "raw emotion" of his.. Right now, it felt as if he wasn't alive in the first place. In fact, it was a feeling that he’d grown used to lately. Speaking to those around him had felt much more exhausting than he remembered. In a way, he envied them all.. If only he could feel like them… The thoughts in his head, none of it even felt like his own. He wondered at times - were the things he was feeling even real ? Or were they things he tricked himself into considering, as a way to pretend that nothing was his fault ? Staring at the ground in front of him, it almost seemed as if he was focusing on something, but really.. His mind felt so empty yet full at the same time, there was not a thought for him to hold on to. He finally found himself glancing away at the sound of his phone buzzing on the bed.

“Are you alright ? Sora told me you won’t be showing up today either.. Please at least rest, okay ? It will only take longer for you to get better if you don’t !”

“I’ll make you something when I’m back. Love you !! But I’d love you more if you finally rested like I’ve been telling you to, stupid”

Ah right.. He couldn’t even get himself to join the rest in the Metaverse lately. The idea of going there, seeing his personas once again ?.. It made him sick to his stomach. Whenever he looked at everyone else.. Why is he the only one who keeps changing ? How come he has to be two different people ?... If not even that damn place knows who he really is, how is he supposed to.. Those lies of his, he had no choice but to keep them up. Each time they asked whether he wanted to join the rest, he’d refuse, claiming he has been feeling rather sick.. Suppose that isn’t too much of a lie. He stared down at the messages for just a bit longer… They are starting to figure it out aren’t they ? Took them long enough.. How ironic.. They get to awaken their true selves while unable to figure out someone is pretending before their very eyes.. For all he knows it probably benefits them that he isn’t being himself. After all, having two persona users in one is far more useful, isn’t it ?... What a joke.

What even is he with them for… Things would be different this time he thought. These people surely at least care a bit no ?.. Wishful thinking. Is this the fate he deserves after all he has done for them ? Always there to be the one to support the rest yet the one time he truly needs it, they act as if he isn’t there. Maybe that’s his own fault.. What else did he even expect ? All his life he has done nothing but do what he was asked and yet they always looked away from him. No matter what he would do, no one would ever bother to look his way. They’d only look back whenever he made mistakes, whenever he wasn’t “good enough” in their eyes… How is it fair that even those inferior to him manage to get people to look at them ? They didn’t earn that attention or affection. None of it. What did it have to take for others to glance his way ? Acting the way they so desire.. All they did was force their own problems on him. Yet he pushed on, always doing his best to hear them out and tell them how those thoughts aren't true… Was it so much to ask, to want such a thing in return ? Just some praise.. Something to keep his head above the water before he completely sunk. The only way he’d ever get such people to pay mind to him is if he physically disappeared.. Mentally, he is already gone but that doesn’t matter much now, does it ? If he ever truly vanished, suddenly the guilt of it all would settle in for them… But that is not the thing he wants. That would all feel so fake.

Will suddenly snapped out from all these thoughts piling in when noticing his hand felt.. Well, he didn’t feel it much at all. He glanced over at his hand, realizing it had gone numb after tightly holding it in a fist. Taking a deep breath, he took a moment to look at the ceiling.. What the hell was he even doing.. Almost all his thoughts had slowly disappeared as he found himself stuck in the strange empty feeling once again.. Sure these things would tend to make themselves known but so frequently ? Besides this.. He didn’t think that of them all, did he ? His friends, family, all of them.. This was not their fault, it was his own. So why… He froze. Surely not.. Would such a thing even happen ? He finally got up from the bed, furiously typing into his phone while walking around the room in sudden anxiety. He questioned his own head as he typed his own name and location in the familiar app.. He felt his hands shake slightly once he finished typing. Clearly this couldn’t work, right ? What was he even aiming to achieve with this..

Candidates found…

(“... Hah… Is this the true self I wanted to see so bad ?...”)

(“So be it. I’ll deal with this myself.. I’ll change my own damn heart before they ever connect the dots.”)