too little too late, i guess

🍰Sugarleaf

Sugarleaf dusted off a nook between the roots of a tree, making the leaves fly about. "Thistlemist," they mewed, gesturing with their tail to get her attention. "I hope you have been well."

They sat in the cleared area, but kept on their paws; they were on patrol after all, not just to chat. "Do you like your warrior name?" They started off with a simple question; in reality, the white cat had a few other things to ask their former apprentice, one of them about Oliveweb-- Sugarleaf was a secret lover of gossip!-- but certainly didn't want this to become a talking-to. They were both warriors, with her being one for a couple moons now, and the white cat wanted to see how the new life was treating her.

🍂Thistlemist

Unfortunately for Thistlemist, her mother had managed to wrangle her into a patrol for the first time since her encounter with the wolf. She padded glumly through drying leaves on the forest floor, feeling the chill of leaf-fall brushing through her pelt and causing her to shiver involuntarily.

And, right, Sugarleaf was there too. Thistlemist was pretty sure she hadn't spoken to her former mentor since her ceremony. Maybe before that. She'd always been avoidant of her apprentice duties, and that didn't stop when she'd been made a warrior. She cast a quiet look in the white feline's direction every few minutes, waiting for them while they puttered around tree roots.

Their question caught her by surprise, admittedly. Though it shouldn't have, she knew. "Yeah, super well." She meowed. "One million percent well. Nearly died like a couple moons ago so I'm just appreciatin' everything I can." Thistlemist could feel the contempt in her words and she bit her tongue. She paused.

"Wellll- its the name my mom thought up, and she knows me better than anyone." The she-cat leaped up onto a log, feeling the damp moss under her paws. Wet from the morning's frost, it made her wince with how cold it was. "She always thinks of the best names. What, do you like it?" Thistlemist looked down at her old mentor. There was something in her throat, it felt like.

"Can't say I really feel much different since being a warrior." She admitted, a trace of bitterness on her tongue. She wasn't entirely sure there was a difference. She'd usually managed to weasel her way out of her warrior tasks, focus on her personal work. Just as she did as an apprentice. Getting her warrior name felt more like a surprise than an accomplishment. Sometimes she wondered if Sugarleaf had passed her to... well. It wasn't that she wasn't capable. No- definitely capable. She knew that when she'd led the wolf from the patrol and saved all the cats in it. And she wasn't self deprecating. If she tried, she could've gotten her name sooner. Right off the bat, if she wanted to. She knew that. The problem was she didn't want to. She wasn't ready to grow out of that. And then Snapstridedied, and then she got her name, and it all felt like one big insult.

So, sure, she felt a little weird about her name. And about being a warrior. And about Rosestar and Sugarleaf's choice.

Her lips were drawn into a thin line, blinking to break her thoughts.

🍰Sugarleaf

They pinned their ears back hearing her sarcasm, the hurt evident as she masked it up with bitter words. They weren't able to be there for her, so they felt like a letdown-- if she had came out stronger, Sugarleaf would have thought she had matured well beyond their expectations, but, no. She was still a young cat, regardless of her rank denoting her stage in life.

The white warrior took Thistlemist's first few words at face level, nodding slightly. "It is well to do that, be grateful for what we have after the storm passes."

They didn't think it would be good to offer themself as a listening ear, not after all this time of standing on the sidelines, so they kept it at a light tone. "I do regard your name highly. It is very elegant. Rosestar honors the Clan with meaningful names." They touch their chest, referring to their own suffix that respected their mother.

They quickly brought their paw back down as their voice grew somber. "Yes, there is not too much different when one becomes a warrior. Perhaps a new nest and no mentor to peer over your shoulder," they chuckle lightly, having their own thoughts about their rank up themself. Sugarleaf took a deep breath, at seeing the expression on her face, and took a leap.

"I am proud that you took the time for yourself to continue where you were, to work on yourself or figure out what you best wanted. And proud, too, that you graduated to continue on discovering yourself. I don't harbor any sort of ill will for you needing more time in your apprenticeship; if anything, I'm glad you wanted to work with me a bit longer." They offered a smile, hoping those were the right words. If they could, Sugarleaf would have chosen to stay by Owlpool's side more; she was such a fantastic mentor, and they could only hope they were anything equivalent to her for Thistlemist. And even if they weren't paired together anymore, they wanted to let her know they were always there for her.

🍂Thistlemist

Elegant. Thistlemist felt her tail whip behind her back. Yeah. It was, wasn't it? Her eyes flicked back to Sugarleaf when they made a joke, and she gave them a faint smile, crooked at the edges.

Their next words made Thistlemist turn completely to face them, at first just listening to what they had to say. This felt like it'd be the perfect opportunity to be cruel. To let the festering feelings of uncertainty bleed out between her fangs into pointed venomous words.

Surprisingly, she kept her jaw firmly shut, molars grinding. Maybe she'd grown a little, then.

"I didn't stay an apprentice longer to train with you." She meowed, albeit bluntly. Because, well, why lie? She didn't want Sugarleaf to get the wrong impression. "My whole apprenticeship was figuring that out." Thistlemist felt stilted, sitting back on her haunches, feeling the damp moss there, seeping into her unwashed fur. She could feel the itch of the burrs against her skin.

"But.. yeah. I guess-" She was cut off by an involuntary, humourless laugh. "I guess you were probably the best mentor I could've got, bud." Saying it out loud felt wrong. For a lot of moons, she was convinced of the opposite, feeling agitated that Sugarleaf seemed to care so little. Act put off by her, even. But she was realizing now, maybe that was good. It let her do what she wanted.

"You gave me room to figure out what I wanted, and Stars know if any other mentor would've given me that. So. Thanks." Thistlemist's throat was tight. "Did you-" She stopped. Frowned. "I know I wasn't ready to pass."

Thistlemist's copper gaze fixed on the white feline. "I didn't try. Not to be a warrior like everyone else. I didn't hunt. I still don't. I don't fight unless I have to." There was an itching now that wasn't the burrs. It felt like it had crawled under her skin, like beetles. Her words hang heavy, like a question. She couldn't bring herself to ask.

🍰Sugarleaf

It didn't hurt too much, hearing Thistlemist speak frankly. They knew she wasn't an apprentice for them-- if she was, they would have spent more time together. Hearing the tone of her voice did prick at their heart, even moreso as she continued to talk. The 'bud' felt off, forced, but Sugarleaf didn't want to dwell on it.

They focused on just the tail-end of her words, voice soft to coax her out of her dark thoughts as they returned her hard gaze. "A warrior is not only defined by their ability to hunt, their willingness to fight," they mewed, raising a paw, wanting to place it reassuringly on her shoulder, but knowing she may not be the cat to like that. It made them cringe, that they didn't know if Thistlemist was a cat who was comfortable with touch. They dropped their paw.

"You are a warrior because you are there for your Clanmates, despite any misgivings you have about your abilities. You excel in your own ways that may not seem traditional, and I hope you trust me when I say your abilities are as invaluable as the next cat's. I would not have passed you if I did not believe you were ready." They give Thistlemist a small smile. "You recall what your mother said, at your ceremony? You were promoted for your passion. A passion to be yourself."

They answered the question she was about to ask, having an inkling on the uncertainty that the young she-cat held. They wanted to comfort her immediately, say her fears were their's when they were a fresh warrior, wanting to give her support... but was it too little, too late? Thistlemist was not their apprentice anymore. Anything they said now.. it just felt cheap. Was a more paws-on approach the best for her back then? Would that have made her more confident in herself? They turned their face away from her intense gaze, unable to rise to the burning challenge within. What Rosestar said was right; Thistlemist had a passion, and Sugarleaf wasn't sure if they understood it.

🍂Thistlemist

Thistlemist watched Sugarleaf with an unwavering gaze, scrutinizing their movements in an almost unsettling way. She eyed them as they lifted a paw, and then seemed to reconsider. A slight downwards curl came to her lips.

"I don't have any misgivings." She interjected. Truthful or not, she believed it. "Definitely not about my abilities." Her tail came to settle next to her paws, thudding rhythmically on the soft, rotted bark. She sat quiet for the rest of the time her old mentor spoke.

When Sugarleaf turned away from her expression, she felt a twinge in her gut. Something burning and angry and boastful. Satisfied. Thistlemist didn't let her own gaze drop. She was quiet for a few moments, before nodding.

"Yeah. I guess." And she thought, while she sat. Taking as long as she needed to mull it over in her brain. It churned in her mind, forcing her ears to twitch, and a grimace to settle over her features. Admittedly, being a warrior wasn't so bad. If anything, it allowed her more freedom to do what she'd been doing the whole time. But it had felt so disorienting when it happened. With the timing of it all, she couldn't even bring herself to feel proud.

Thinking back on it, she never asked how Sugarleaf felt about it. She'd assumed they'd felt nothing. Well, they hadn't said much. At all. Always at arms length, and there was nothing Thistlemist hated more.

Though maybe that was partially on her. Not that she'd admit it.

Rising to her paws, she bumped against Sugarleaf, closing the distance they couldn't. "Don't sweat it, alright? Alright. We both did what we could or whatever." And while not exactly reassuring, there was an ease to her words that wasn't there before. It was an imitation of ease, at best, but it managed to serve its purpose. Thistlemist watched Sugarleaf again closely. "So what about you, huh? Haven't seen you much since everything." Whatever 'everything' was.

🍰Sugarleaf

Hearing she say she didn't have any misgivings about her abilities, Sugarleaf twitched an ear. She probably didn't need a speech, since she did outchase a wolf. Her lackluster answer to their words spoke enough volume, her 'or whatever' like a fish that swam blindly through a dark tunnel. But the white warrior wasn't one to pry at all, even as they bit the inside of their cheek, unsure of what Thistlemist was getting at at all now.

"I have merely been pondering," they mewed, giving her a rueful smile as she nudged them. They went quiet, unable to really say anything else; it felt like they had to find an excuse now, to explain why they weren't there for her, but they had none. Turning the question on Sugarleaf was always a dead-end, they felt; they never knew how to answer besides a simple 'life goes on.' It had always been that way.

"I do not have much to speak about for myself," they murmured, voice quiet but direction bold. "I do not mind if we discuss only about you. You surely have many stories to tell. And many thoughts on those stories." The white warrior invited her to open up, wanting to hear her real grievances-- why she was unloading her misgivings then calling then back the next moment. But if Thistlemist didn't want to, then just a simple retelling of her heroics would be fine, and they would continue to be linger at tail length's distance.

🍂Thistlemist

Thistlemist wasn't entirely sure what she was expecting. But their deflection, no, their rejection of her attempt to pry into their own life, it felt like a sting. In fact, it felt like the perfect reminder to why she felt so bitter about it all. Her teeth grit.

Frustration welled in her chest, fur along her back ruffling as she stared. "Yeah- I'm sure you'd like to know." Her voice came out strange, almost strangled, unexpected even for Thistlemist. "I'd bet you'd love to learn about all the things I do. You definitely showed it when I was an apprentice." She bit out. Vitriol bubbled behind her teeth now, and any attempts to hold back seemed to evaporate.

"I get that not every cat gets it, but-" Again, a sharp laugh slipped through. "Pretending? That you're interested? That's worse." Then, she turned, getting into Sugarleaf's space with a glower. "You seriously don't need to lie. You don't like me, I get it. Not a lot of cats do." The admission tumbled from her mouth, and there was probably something there, but Thistlemist didn't wanna look at it. Didn't think of it for more than two seconds before she was barreling on. "Its really telling, bud, that you act so aloof. I get it. Seriously. But you don't have to pretend like you care. And this whole- "I won't share anything about myself" bullshit is enough for me to recognize that you don't want to actually talk about anything." The younger molly felt a tenseness in her chest, a roiling pressure that made her ears flatten.

"I was always jealous of my siblings' mentors. At least they had a relationship with them. I knew you regretted Rosestar's choice the moment she announced you as my mentor." Thistlemist knew it was a bit of a low blow, sure. All the resentment that she had built, something she assumed had dissipated since then, it all came surging back up into her throat. It felt good. Invigorating in a way Thistlemist nearly forgot.

🍰Sugarleaf

"...Is that what you truly think?" They whispered, more to themselves than to her. Of course it was what she thought... otherwise she wouldn't be saying it at all. They only croaked out that because of the dismayed shock that rippled through their fur as Thistlemist spat out her feelings.

Were the times they tried to ask her out on patrols to forage, scavenge, not enough? Of course not; otherwise she wouldn't be so vehement now. Was it not enough that they didn't approach for training her after the passing of her and Oliveweb's bug friend? No, she probably needed a mention of the beetle, rather than a glossing over that Sugarleaf was used to. It wasn't enough to just hang back and watch her, making their own assumptions from observations based off her actions. Sugarleaf stared off at the space next to her head as angry words rolled off her tongue. They let the words wash over them, taking it all in without any sort of contradiction, no invalidation of her feelings.

When they mentioned Rosestar's choice, they snapped out of the daze that gripped their throat, finding that their paws had fitted together to claw at old scars on the pads. Bringing up her mother's choice-- that made Sugarleaf start. "But... Thistlemist." They cleared their throat, getting to their paws, leaning in tentatively at first, then bumping their forehead to her's. "I do sweat it. I would not waste my time by being with you here now, endeavoring to pick up the shattered shards of our relationship if I did not cherish you. Please know I do care, I plead, and-- and I will do my utmost to convey that care in a way that you understand." Hearing her doubt her mother's choice so much made their heart sting. The thought that they themself bought torture to Thistlemist's heart already made them feel cracked in half, but the thought that their relationship made her doubt her mother's actions; that was something they could not stay silent on.

"I truly ap-- I'm so, I'm so sorry," they began, switching to less formal language, to let her know that they wanted to bring down these walls between them. They sat back down, hanging their head. "Showing attachment is not my... expertise. I mean, I'm not good at navigating relationships that aren't strictly my family. I'm not good at talking about myself, but that is my personal issue, where it shouldn't feel as if this is a one-sided relationship. You are my first apprentice, and I didn't want to mess that up, but I fear I have. I cannot speak for other cats, but please know... I do like you. If there's nothing else you can take from my words, please know that." Their eyes burned like the surface of the lake at high summer, wavering from the heat waves and from the tears of unpacked emotions.

🍂Thistlemist

Thistlemist's expression was sour, taking in Sugarleaf's stunned look. It left her with a taste in her mouth that had her face screwing up. Their brief silence made her blood burn. A heady satisfaction ripped through her, every thought she'd had since her apprenticeship began settling into a conceivable space. It wasn't just thoughts now. It meant something.

Her entire body tensed as Sugarleaf reached forwards, but she didn't back away, nostrils flaring. Thistlemist was pulled taut like a rope, coils on the verge of snapping. What was left of the rope, at least. As they began speaking, Thistlemist could only stare with a rigid frame, tail swaying back and forth with barely concealed agitation.

Part of her expected Sugarleaf to falter, and back away. Place that distance back between them and offer empty apologies. That was probably why Thistlemist's expression wavered slightly when they didn't. Mostly, she was confused now. Confused on what to do about the problem she dredged up.

"I-" The molly fell short, a disbelieving scoff falling from her throat. For the first time, Sugarleaf's earnest words had her eyes twitching away briefly. She wasn't used to this. That's why she was floundering. Yeah, yeah- it was just weird. Hackles raised, Thistlemist turned away and stalked back and forth, jaw clamped shut.

"Are you... you're being serious?" The question felt more genuine than Thistlemist was hoping for, and she stopped suddenly in place, staring vehemently at her paws. Out of the corner of her eye, she glanced to Sugarleaf. Her expression grew wary.

"Well. It felt pretty one sided, actually." She ground out. She recalled the hesitance on Sugarleaf's face when they had been paired. The way it filled her chest with spite. Thistlemist figured she'd made herself clear enough, but that seemed to be the wrong assumption to make. They wouldn't fake the astonishment, would they? It was hard to shake the uncertainty that hovered over her like a cloud. She twisted her neck enough to look at Sugarleaf again, burning intensity never quite diminishing. Rankled by their explanation, Thistlemist held her gaze firm.

She stalked back into their space, and sat, hoping to meet approximately where their eyes were when she stared. The vitriol had settled, somewhat. Thistlemist found she hated the apprehension that took its place far more. "So all these moons, that we avoided each other-" The molly's voice was rough. "You couldn't put any of that together? Is that what all your relationships are, Sugar?" And it felt meaner saying it as it left her mouth, but Thistlemist never fell back on her words, if she could help it.

"Was it really your inability to show attachment? Because I remember a lot of attachments when I was your apprentice." Her nose wrinkled slightly. "Hawthornstrike, Leechmask, Gooseberry. Whole lotta cats who you loved sharing with." Thistlemist felt her pelt itch. An oozing, guttural feeling wound its way through her chest and reached out into all her limbs. Like her skin wasn't fitting right, despite everything.

There was a silence that felt like noise in her ears, a clammy feeling on her paw pads. "'Sides." Thistlemist said, voice clipped. "Even if y' did before. It's not like you're gonna like me much after this anyways."

Her voice was cool, but there was a lurching she felt in her gut that reminded her too clearly of shame. Now, that was a feeling she hated. And happened to be a feeling she wasn't going to deal with. Not now. Probably never. Her expression dropped again, tail wrapping close around her paws. She didn't look at Sugarleaf again for a good few long moments, the tension in her shoulders beginning to give her a headache.

She was hardly being fair, she knew that in a distant, far off way, but divulging that information felt closer to life or death than it had any right to. For all the bravado she felt prior, it was just beginning to feel like sinking.