Red Thread Stasis

I often dream of a black corridor behind the dresser in my room. It’s cold, empty, and I have nothing to guide me but a flimsy red thread. I often feel like I’m falling in the dark, falling endlessly into the abyss to chase the red string with no hope, but I’m never afraid. I’m never afraid because you taught me to fear nothing, not even the darkness. I remember I used to be terrified of the shadows in my room, I hid under my covers and cowered at night, used my nightmares as an excuse to sleep in your bed where I felt protected and safe. But you showed me there was nothing to fear. Not monsters, not bugs, not war. 

But what you didn’t teach me about the fear of being alone. The fear of losing you. I’ve been searching in the dark for so long, to find the barrier between us. To be able to break it and bring you back into our world, so you can teach me to never be afraid of anything again. I’ll never stop looking for it.

Sometimes at the end of that red thread in my dreams, I meet you. It’s like a place on the border of our worlds set aside for us, where we can meet for those short moments before I wake. I wish I could stay there with you forever. I want to sleep forever. I’d never wake up if it meant I could spend forever with you. No matter how tightly I hold on, you always fade away and I wake up to tears. 

Sometimes I’m angry. Angry that they took you away from me. Angry that you won’t come back. I can’t live without you, yet this world forces us to be apart. Its wrong, I know, but I’m mad at you for leaving me. Leaving me with nothing. But I’m angrier at myself for letting go of your hand that last time. I wish I could go back and change that so I’d never be angry again.

Reality is a mirage. Dreams should be reality. No matter how much I beg you to come back with me, you tell me you can’t. You disappear before my eyes. You leave me alone over and over again. Why can’t we be together? We both love each other and want that more than anything else. Is something wrong with that? I don’t understand. 

I’ll become strong, strong enough to change how it works. I’ll warp reality into one where you’re here with me. One where we never ever have to be apart again. One where I can tell you all the things I never got to say and show you all I’ve accomplished. You’ve missed a lot, I think you would be proud of me. I don’t know, please tell me you are, it’s all I ever wanted to hear.

I cherish every memory. I replay them over and over in my head like it’s a tape recorder. A slideshow of the highlights of our life together, burned into my brain. Before our lives ended. Before you left my world. I’m so scared I’ll forget, so I remember everyday. I can never let go, no matter what anyone says. Other people don’t have to understand what we have.

Maybe if I wish hard enough, my dreams will come true. I’ve been wishing for years, thinking of you for years, missing you for years. It all leads back to that dark corridor with the red thread and the endless fall. I know you’re waiting for me somewhere in that dream, somewhere behind that barrier. I’ll never stop looking. Even if you disappear before me a hundred, a thousand times, I’ll never give up. One day, I’m going to come find you. 

I’ll pay any price, overcome any obstacle. Just please take me out of this world and let me join you in yours. I’ll never ask for anything more. Every time I wake up and remember that you’re not with me I fall deeper into that endless dark. I want to forget, forget everything, but that would mean I’d forget you too, and I would never want that, even if it’d mean I’d never be sad again. I see you receding further and further into the abyss. The thread snaps. Nothing I can do will ever bring you back. Why does it have to be this way? Please let me live in this fantasy world, where my dreams can be reality. 

I will make it so.