Avoidant

Nejem is pretty sure ji’d never actually seen Aster’s apartment before this. 

The last time Nejem had stayed at Aster’s place was back in school, before everything went to shit. Before Nejem finally snapped under the strain of a household that was too big, that let Nejem get buried among siblings, to get lost in the shuffle and never have a moment of privacy. Before ji left without a word to anyone but Petra. 

Back then, Aster had still lived in nos parents' place, Aster’s younger siblings demanding attention and trying to spy on Aster and Nejem whenever the two managed to grab a moment alone, just to breathe and remember why Nejem was staying the night anyways. Nejem rarely stayed over alone, but then, if all four of them were sleeping over together, they’d almost always go over to Petra’s. 

Aster’s parents’ place had been spacious, two-storied with a basement, and yet it still felt crowded. Not crowded like Nejem’s place had been (packed, sharing bedrooms and beds and desks and air) but just enough to feel like you had to fight for privacy. Nejem and Aster used to hang out in the basement, reading and occasionally piping up to explain something that had happened in their respective books, or otherwise entertaining themselves with games or conversation.

Aster’s apartment was nothing like that house. It was small, just one bedroom with a living room connected to the kitchen, and meticulously organized (which Aster’s things always tended to be). There were two bookshelves, one in the bedroom and one next to the living room window, which seemed to be the most expensive furniture ne owned. The couch Aster had been crashing on after insisting Nejem take nos bed isn’t a piece of furniture Nejem’s ever seen before. But it’s fairly comfortable, and Aster can fit on it pretty well, so Nejem tries not to feel too bad about it.

It’s still… strange. Being here, having Aster’s worried eyes on jes back whenever ne was home. Nejem had grown so used to days spent in silence after Damie had ghosted jo and Critter got busier that this sudden scheduled life was odd.

It was odder still to sit on Aster’s couch, curled up with a blanket around jes shoulders and a hot cider in jes hands, and know that just next to jo, Petra sat, turning the package of cookies Nejem had shoved into heths hands over and over and over again. It was… well, probably the best batch of cookies Nejem had made, though that wasn’t saying much. They were a little burnt and small and shitty, but that was about as good as it was gonna get.

How long had it been since Nejem and Petra had seen each other? Things had been busy on both ends but… what kind of excuse was that to make to your best friend? Nejem was aware that this, too, was jes fault. Nejem had always been particularly bad about reaching out in the first place, but ji still used to try, and the simple fact of it was that Nejem had stopped trying. Ji hadn’t reached out, had buried jes phone in a pile of jes belongings, and hid away from the world as if that would fix everything.

Ji could herald any number of things to blame for jes avoidance— Reina, Damie… jes parents and siblings— but none of those took away from one simple fact. Nejem hadn’t wanted to get better. It was easier to avoid, and so Nejem took the initiative to do just that. Ji ran away from jes problems. Again.

Maybe this is why Anaise used to tell jo that ji needed to talk to someone. Of course, Nejem had no intention of following any of heth’s advice, as unbiased as it tended to be, and so Anaise had stopped saying it, but it still stuck with Nejem. A glance over, a tilt of the head over drinks, and a ‘maybe you should talk to a professional about that’ dropped as nonchalantly as an observation about the weather. Nejem had blustered and grumbled and looked away at the time, but that night, ji had lay awake, staring at the ceiling, a pit forming in jes stomach. 

Maybe you should talk to a professional about that.

Ji’d buried it soon after, shook jes head and ignored it as best as ji could, but it was still there. 

Now, looking at the bags under Petra’s eyes, the way heth carefully rubs heths fingers over the bag, Nejem can’t help but feel Anaise might have been right. Nejem should have been there for Petra, full stop.

“I’m sorry,” slips out of Nejem’s mouth before ji can stop it, and Petra blinks, startled, looking up at Nejem with wide eyes. 

“You’re… huh?” Petra stutters, bewildered. “You’re— you’re sorry? For what? For having a breakdown?” Nejem looks back down to jes cup of cider. The steam from it warms jes face, and Nejem can pretend that it's the steam and not shame that’s bringing the heat to jes cheeks. Petra, for heths part, sounds genuinely bewildered, as though heth had never even considered that Nejem could be at fault for any of this.

Somehow, the thought isn’t very comforting. 

“No, not for the… for the parts that Aster needed to pull me out of. I’m sorry I left you to deal with all of this on your own. That I… wasn’t there for you, and that I didn’t let you be there for me. Even before things started completely going downhill, I never visited Reina. And I never checked on you, either.” Nejem’s fingers tighten around the mug in jes hands, and ji curls up into the blanket. Ji’s sweating, but it’s a barrier between jo and the rest of the world, so Nejem takes it. Petra is quiet for a long time, hands still on the bag.

Nejem’s pretty sure that Aster’s hiding in nos bedroom. There’s no way whatever ne had been doing could be taking this long. Nejem can’t really blame nem, though. Nejem doesn’t want to be a part of this conversation either, but ji’s the damn one who started it. Petra takes a breath, holds it, and then sighs, leaning back into the couch. 

“I… honestly don’t really know how to react to that. That’s not really an apology I… feel like I wanted? But I know that I probably deserved it anyways. I just… What happened to us, Nejem? How is this how we’ve turned out?” Nejem doesn’t respond for a long time, sinking down into jes blanket even further, the plush fabric now caressing jes cheeks. Then, Nejem leans forward to set the cider on the coffee table in front of jo. When ji leans back, Nejem wiggles one hand out from the blankets, and reaches across the couch to tangle jes fingers loosely in Petra’s, gripped heth hand tightly. 

After a moment, Petra grips back, just as tight, just as desperate. 

“I think... life just kicked us in the ass. That’s all there is to it. But I need you to know that I care about you… so much Petra. I care about you so much that it hurts me sometimes. I’m going to try and do better. I don’t want to lose you. Okay?” Nejem’s voice wavers, and Petra takes a breath, and then leans over to lean on Nejem’s shoulder. Nejem relaxes just a bit, and leans jes head onto Petra’s, sighing.

After a moment, Petra untangles their hands, taps Nejem’s thigh, and brings heths own hands forward, into Nejem’s eyesight. 

I love you, heth signs, and it’s like any remaining tension in Nejem’s body has been swept away, pulled away by the gentle movement of Petra’s fingers. Nejem blinks and there are tears on jes cheeks, though they don’t hurt. Ji isn’t sobbing. It’s a relief, a breaking of a dam. It’s the rain after a drought.

Nejem raises jes hands and carefully signs I love you, too.