"Hero"
“A-yi, when you grow up, what do you want to be?”
A small head immediately perked up to meet his father’s eyes, his own eyes bright and sparkling.
“I want to be a police officer like papa!!! Someone who is strong and brave and kind enough to protect everyone!” He grinned wildly and opened his arms as wide as he could to prove his point.
Such an honest display of admiration from his adorable son made Renshu’s heart soar and his eyes glisten. His lips trembled before breaking out into a large grin. He ruffled his son’s hair with much enthusiasm, earning soft giggles from the little boy.
“I see I see!! What an admirable dream! If it’s you, I know you’ll be able to do it! Papa will always be here to support you!”
As his dull eyes stared up at the portrait of his smiling father, a single thought crossed his mind.
You liar.
All around him, people sobbed until their voices turned hoarse to mourn the great hero who lost his life saving a child from oncoming traffic. Many gave speeches and attached all kinds of positive adjectives to his father’s name, honoring him for all that he has done for their community.
Community… hah, what about family?
He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up in response. It was his mother with tear-stained cheeks and red-rimmed eyes, but who still struggled to give Ruyi a watery, delicate smile. She silently gripped his shoulder a little firmer, letting him know that at the very least, he still has her by his side.
However, it seemed to have the opposite effect on Ruyi, who hasn’t cried a single time since his father’s death was announced three days ago over the phone during lunch.
For how long will she be by his side? How can he trust her when his father, who promised him forever, left him so suddenly? Why did his father have to step in in the first place? Why couldn’t he just mind his own business instead of interfering? Why was the stupid kid not paying attention? Why was the stupid driver speeding? Why—
All the words that he kept bottled inside threatened to spill out. And Ruyi no longer wanted to hold them back, too exhausted from his turbulent thoughts and sleepless nights.
“Why did papa step in if this was going to be the outcome? How pathetic of him to rush to his death like this for a total stran-“
“Ruyi!” He flinched at her tone— never had he heard her sound so angry and upset. She roughly turned him around and crouched down until they were face-to-face. Her expression was a mixture of anger, hurt, and disappointment, and Ruyi’s toes curled in from fear. He shut his eyes tightly, bracing himself for the scolding and probably even a slap. He has never seen his mother like this and it truly frightened him. Did she not want him anymore, after how cruel he is words were?
Was he going to lose his mother too?
When no scolding or pain came, Ruyi slowly opened one eye to see why. He caught a glimpse of his mother’s face twisted in pain before he was engulfed in a tight hug. Ruyi blinked in response. Huh?
“A-yi, sorry mama got so angry. Mama’s feelings are also all over the place right now,” she gripped him tighter and chuckled weakly.
“Your father loves us the most in the world.” Ruyi stiffened. “I remember when you first told us that you wanted to be a police officer just like him, he cried tears of joy.” She laughed again, thinking fondly back to those light-hearted moments.
“Ever since then, he wanted to be your role model, someone who you could always admire and be proud to have as your father. Although A-yi may think otherwise right now, mama believes that your father did what he thought you would be proud of him for doing.”
Gripping the back of her black dress tightly, he finally let the tears roll down. At first, he tried holding back his sobs, but he couldn’t for long. He had bottled up so much in that small frame of his that his quiet whimpers weren’t enough to convey the deep anguish and despair he felt. He wailed, loudly and freely, within his mother’s warm embrace.
Deep inside, he knew the answers to his own questions. His head and heart knew of these facts, but he couldn’t understand them fully. And he didn’t want to. It was easier to throw a tantrum and focus on blaming everyone than to hate what he loved the most about his father.
If this is where your heroism took you, then I rather you stayed as only my hero.