[BlueStar] Dear Simon

"My dear, Simon

I learned this trick with you, heh. Actually, I learned many things with you. Some of them are engraved in my brain without even understanding them completely, like mathematic. I admire you a lot for knowing so much. Even if I don't understand, I remember it, you know? Everything. Or at least, I tried...

You said I tend to choose things for you, and I think that's true... I don't do it with bad intentions. A lot of things I do thinking it's the right thing, but I end up hurting you. I don't want to put an end on our friendship. I don't wanna lose you. Yet I feel like no matter what I do, the world will try to end it. Or I'll end up doing it by mistake, I don't know... Even if I don't want to. Because I love you so fucking much. 

I met you during the worst moment in my life. Have I told you about the people I've loved before? I lost them in the exact same way, because of the same person. And she's still out there. She will hurt me. And well, maybe as you're reading this letter, I may be dead. Maybe she's got to me and I couldn't do anything... Again. If that's the case, I'm so sorry for failing.  

You always felt like a person full of life. You've made my laugh, and cry, and laugh so much I cried. You made me feel intelligent, even not knowing how to do half of what you do. You stared at me with kindness and tenderness, embracing me when I was feeling broken. It's obvious I'd fall in love with you eventually. Except I fell in love when I was broken. And I was always so afraid of losing you, and Wolf and Braids, and anyone else that was important to me... So, I pretended that it didn't happen. I pretended so well that even I believed it. I've always admired you, for everything you did. I wanted you to eat well, and to be happy, and to know more about the things you've invented... I wanted to listen to your stories, and about things that only felt interesting when you were the one telling it. What hurt me the most when I left was leaving you behind. You always seemed way to good to me. Unreachable even. And now, nothing's changed. Because I'll die and you won't I'm stuck in the middle of this shit, with a responsability that I never wanted nor should have. A war is coming... I only wished I could have been the person you deserve to have by your side. I wish I had time to give you a house with a studio in it, full of books. And with a glass roof so you could see the starts as you build a robot. It's one of the many things I wanted to give you. But I can't, Simon. Because my heart is too broken for me to love someone. It breaks into little pieces as the days go by, and I'm sinking with it.

But then... I heard about Archer. And my chest was in pain like it never was before. I thought it was because I didn't know the guy and didn't trust him, and also because I had lost an important moment of your life because someone decided to spread rumours about me. But Star... I wanted to be him. Because he seems so perfect to you, and me so imperfect, that it'd be cool to not be me for a moment. But I'm not Archer. I'm me. And I have to deal with it now. I've tried to move on, but nothing seems to work. And now, with all this shit surrounding us, I don't even believe I'll survive until the end of the month. Actually, I have two certainties in my life: that I'll die this year, and I'm way to hard to be loved by someone. I don't believe in love anymore. You've moved on... And I think you've made the right decision. 

The best version of myself, which isn't enough to anyone, is the only thing I can be. I can't be better than this. I'm not worthy of love - yours and/or someone else's. So... I just wanna move on. To admire you from afar, to see you succeed and being happy, and to charge into battle so it can be done quickly.

So... Yeah. Here's your opportunity to decide. Whether you hate me or still want to be my friend, it's your choice. Just know that, no matter what happens now, I love you. Very much. As a friend and someone crushing on you. Until the end of the times, or at least until the end of my time.

Forgive me for being too much of a coward and not speaking in person with you.

- Kairos Roseday"