Sorry, I like you

My hand brushed against his for a moment, and I could feel my face flushing. I wasn’t used to feeling this way about him, especially since I’ve been avoiding him… he always comes back, though. I don’t know why. I’ve been pushing him away so I can make these stupid feelings go away, but he just keeps coming back. I’m happy… but I’m also not.

I retracted my hand from the couch and placed it in my lap. Kicks hummed in response, looking up to me from his card. “Is something wrong, Rubi?”

“No… I need to get going, though. Jin wanted me to hang out with him, and I– I’m running late. We can talk later, or maybe even tomorrow.”

As I tried to get up, his hand planted itself firmly on my shoulder, and I glanced back down at him with an apologetic smile. He, however, had a concerned expression, softening almost immediately.

“Rubi, are you okay? You’ve been dodging me for some time –– Did I do something wrong?”

I froze, blood running cold upon hearing those words. I could feel the fluff tufts on my chest rise up slightly in reaction. Whatever that could show how nervous I was revealed itself. ‘God, I didn’t think he’d realize I’ve been avoiding him… what the hell do I say now?’

I coughed to clear my throat, gathering my thoughts within seconds and responding.

“No… no, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’re fine. Look, if you want, I’ll tell you why I’ve been avoiding you.”

“Well, tell me then. What’s going on?”

I took a deep breath, thoughts running wild, and my heart beating faster than normal, but I figured why not tell him? Surely he didn’t feel the same way. There was no way… right? I twiddled my thumbs before interlocking them, and focused my gaze on the ground, instead of Kicks.

“I… I’ve been having some trouble, but I’d figured I’d say it directly so I can get it over with: Kicks, I have feelings for you. I’ve been trying to avoid you so I could lose my feelings, but even after every attempt, they just grow. I don’t know why, but they just do. I’ve tried repressing them because I’m certain you don’t have those same feelings towards me. That’s the truth, at least from what I can say.”

I let out a sigh, glad to have gotten that weight on my shoulders off. All I needed was to hear the rejection from Kicks’s own lips so I could move on. Once I looked up, though, Kicks looked… odd. His eyes were widened, and he looked lost.

‘Ah shit… I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. Now he’s going to laugh at me… Rubia, what the hell did you just do to yourself?’ I fought with myself internally, hands now at each side. My fingers were tapping my thighs in sync with each other as I waited for any sort of response from Kicks… but I just never received one. His grip on my shoulder softened, as did his stance and stern expression. 

Finally, after a few moments, he spoke up. “Rubi, I’ve got something for you. You mind coming to my flat?”

I felt as if my heart had dropped and shattered, and I could feel tears brimming my eyes. ‘He… he doesn’t even care about my confession. Hah… god damn it, Rubia. You did this to yourself.’

I did my best to blink the tears away, hoping and praying that Kicks didn’t notice them, but judging by the way he grew concerned, I’m assuming he did. I responded hastily, “As in right now? I don’t mind, but…” I trailed off, about to say something, but decided against it. ‘Don’t push it, Rubi. This situation is already awkward enough as it is, don’t make it even more awkward.’ “Yeah. Yeah, I can go.”

He nodded and stood up from the couch, holding a hand out for me to grab onto. I hesitantly placed mine in his and got up as well. “Let’s go.” He led me out of my own shared home, and as we got further away, I resisted the urge to cry. Since I was following behind, I used one of my hands to wipe away at my eyes, also minimizing the amount of sniffing so Kicks didn’t have to see or hear me about to cry.

‘Why are you jumping to conclusions? Geez… you don’t even know yet. Well… I guess. I’m still certain it’s a no. God damn it, you’re hopeless! You do realize you’re prepared, right? If he says no, move on. That was the plan from the start, and we’re sticking with it, whether we like it or not. But-! No buts! Life goes on, we can’t slow down either. And hey, like I said, we still don’t even know if he’s saying no. … Fine.’

At last, the arguing voices in my head came to terms with each other, and I could finally think clearly. I swallowed down what little hope I had and continued walking. After some time, we arrived at Kicks’s home, and he opened the door for me to enter first. When I did, I waited for him to enter, too. He closed the door behind him and told me, “Wait there for a second.”

I nodded, and he left for his room. I looked around the room I was in, almost as if expecting to have seen something change, but nothing did. I suppose it was to distract myself from the lurking answer I longed to receive.

Kicks came back with a decorated metal box, held by both hands. He approached me, and inspected me, as if trying to read my body language. That made me aware that, out of habit, I had unconsciously started twiddling my thumbs again. He held the box out for me to grab, and said, “This is for you.”

Startled, I pointed to myself. “For me?”

“Yes, for you.” He smiled a bit before continuing. “Take this box, press the button.”

I took the box from his hands and cradled it gently in one of my own. With the other hand, I used a finger to press the clear button on the top and opened the box. “Is this…?”

I didn’t expect to see what I did, but it was beautiful nonetheless, that I was rendered speechless.

The interior of the box was engraved with the words, “I LOVE YOU”. It was also proudly presenting the heart locket I had inspected a while ago, and my heart fluttered at the memory.

Kicks pulled me back to reality, saying, “I, uh, didn’t realize we were confessing our love this soon.” I glanced over to him and noticed he was blushing. I felt my face grow warm, and I knew I was blushing as well. I closed the box and set it to the side, hugging Kicks tightly while chuckling.

“Yeah, well, I figured I’d be honest.”

He smiled again as he hugged me back, laughing as well. “I’m glad you were. Your honesty is one reason why I love you.”

“I’m glad you feel the same way. I’ll be honest, I was pretty paranoid when you didn’t comment on my confession at first. I wondered if I’d done the wrong thing.”

“I honestly should have said something. I’m sorry about that. I wanted to surprise you with this as much as I could.”

“You did surprise me, though. Regardless, it turned out well.” I placed a short and gentle kiss atop his head, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. “Don’t apologize about it, though. It was nice!” When I pulled away slightly from the hug, I noticed he was blushing even more, smiling as well.

“I’m- I’m glad! I’m glad you thought it was nice.”

Giggling at his stutter, which I found quite adorable, I hummed, becoming quiet for a bit. “… I’m thinking we could be quiet about us, at least for a little while on my side of friends. We both know how much they like to tell each other everything, especially Jin and Tigo.”

Kicks nodded, and I was so glad he agreed. “I keep quiet about my relationships for a bit anyways."

“Mmm. Again, this was genuinely nice.” The curiosity within me grew, and I eventually decided to ask. “A small question, though, if it’s fine?”

“Hm? Yeah, you can ask.”

“When did you realize you loved me?”

"When you saved my arse from relapsing at that party, that's when I fell in love. I knew it since, but I had to wait it out to be sure."

I paused, feeling embarrassed as I recalled the memory. “Seriously? That’s when I was pissed, they wouldn’t leave you alone. I would have thought any other moment where I appeared much less of a bitch and much nicer would’ve been when you fell in love,” I joked, partially being honest. ‘Ah geez… not my proudest moment, considering I almost knocked that guy unconscious…’

"It's just seeing that you cared about me that much, and how much of a badass you were in that moment was what made me fall in love. You're really lovely for that." Kicks looked up at me, and I nearly melted at how adorable he was. I felt my blush worsening and tried hiding my face.

“Aww, well just know that I’ll never regret what I did that day. I’ll always care for you, I promise.”

“Same here. I’ll be there for you no matter what it is.”

I held Kicks in my embrace still, feeling euphoric and never wanting this moment to end.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Rubi.”