i may never get it right, but

"I guess that's reason enough."

Arthur let out an unsteady exhale, opening his eyes to meet Jesse's he pulled away. He brushed the thumb on the hand cupping his cheek over the scar on Jesse's lip as Jesse let go of his coat and allowed him to move on his own. Arthur was mad at himself, he felt as if everything he knew about himself prior had been flipped on its head, but simultaneously he couldn't parse what he was feeling at all. Why the hell had Jesse followed him? Arthur was going to leave this all behind him, disappear in the night and never think about this again, but here he was, sitting in the dirt beneath him. He'd never felt this miserable at an assignment, he doesn't think he'd ever felt miserable like this point blank, not in a while at least. He was so used to the state of emotional repression he had conditioned himself into to survive, everything was kept bottled up.

Jesse shattered that near instantly, and this was the first time he was willing to admit it to himself. From the moment Arthur walked through that saloon door, Jesse's cadence was fascinating to him. Surely, a lot of it had to have just been a friendly bartender shtick, but it was so different from how anyone else had ever interacted with him, his facade didn't work on him. No amount of disdain, no amount of pity or fear. Nothing got past this man's skin and that was entrancing. He reminded him of someone, someone he hadn't let himself think about in a long time. Jesse didn't allow Arthur to keep himself stuck in his own head, he dragged him out by force in more ways than one, he never gave up, and Arthur couldn't understand why.

Each time he had met the wolf, it- he had never taken any action to harm him. He wasn't worth killing, he was in control and he hadn't ever done anything wrong other than exist. He had been punished for sustaining himself the way any other living thing would. No one had been hurt, the people in town were terrified of the man serving them beer and lunch any other time of the month. Arthur took in every detail of his face, and felt sick to his stomach.

How many others had he ruined the lives of? Did he somehow get lucky and only end up hunting actual regular wolves? Did the distinction even matter? How had he lasted so long in this line of work?

"I'm sorry." He whispered. Arthur crumpled against Jesse, moving his hand from his cheek to wrap his arms around him, "I can't do this to you, I don't know what's happening to me." He sounded small, Jesse could feel his fingertips digging into his back as he fell apart beneath him, shattered like a drop of glass.

Jesse rested his chin on Arthur's head, reaching a hand beneath his arm to rest on his shoulder, "Why don't we head back to town, get a meal, we can talk," He paused for a moment, trying to gauge a response before he spoke, "if you're ready." Arthur sunk further into him, exhaling slowly, "I have to leave." Jesse shook his head, chuckling softly, "You're in no rush." Jesse helped him back up to his feet, holding him there for a moment and watching him in silence before he broke away on his own to gather his horse by the reins, Jesse following in suit.

The two mounted and rode the path wordlessly for a few moments, "Saloon's closed till noon, and I'm not working today, so it'll have to be my cabin if we want a stove." Jesse finally spoke, causing Arthur to slow, allowing him to take the lead in a silent invitation to guide him, he took the offer.

Upon nearing Higdon, Jesse took a path on the outskirts of town and approached a nearby but isolated cabin and dismounted Brandy, waiting for Arthur to follow. He seemed almost timid as he hitched Fritter, his posture closed in on himself when Jesse's eyes landed on him. He couldn't figure out why he agreed to this, he was still partially trying to convince himself he had no idea what there was to even talk about. Jesse had assumed right though, he hadn't eaten, nor was he planning on it before now. Meals seemed to be how he strengthened a bond, and he was no stranger to utilizing it.

Jesse opened his front door and entered, leaving it slightly open behind him as an invitation to Arthur. He stared at the doorway, clenching his fists. Arthur looked back to his horse, it would be so easy to make a run for it again. Maybe this was a ploy, to get him somewhere secluded and secure his own safety.

But, Jesse had plenty of chances to do just that though, hell, he could have poisoned his food if he really felt inclined. He never did. He repeatedly threw himself into danger to prove how little of a threat he was. He was here to hunt a monster, but there wasn't one, and Jesse had done everything in his power to make that fact evident. Yet here he was, standing outside his house after few too many shared moments of intimacy, few too many glasses of liquor. It was difficult for Arthur to grasp the concept of someone simply wanting to be with him. He felt his heart pounding as he stared at the door.

Finally he stepped onto the porch and pushed open the door. The inside was small, Jesse was stirring a pot on an iron stove in the kitchen. Arthur closed the door behind him, swallowing the lump in his throat. He moved his attention to the rest of the cabin. It was humble, the entire room was  dried herbs hung across the ceiling leading up to the kitchen, there was a small square table in the middle of the room, and a generously sized bed tucked in the opposite corner with two blankets haphazardly thrown on it, one woven and one sheepskin.

"Was wonderin' when you were gonna come in, worried you were gonna run off again. Have a seat." Jesse gestured to the table without turning around, "Ain't much, but it's enough." Arthur nodded stiffly to himself before pulling out the only chair at the table and situating himself politely. Jesse crouched down and grabbed a pair of metal bowls from the cabinet adjacent to him, scooping a bit of soup into each of them. He finally turned to face his guest and went to place the two bowls on the table then grabbed a spare chair, sitting across from Arthur.

Arthur took his hat and coat off, hanging both over backrest and pulled a bowl towards himself, "Thanks." He swallowed dryly, he had no idea what to say, how to progress the conversation from here. He still couldn't figure out why the hell he agreed to come here in the first place. Arthur stirred his spoon around in his soup, it was a day or two old, kept heated and fresh on the wood burning stove, he thought about Jesse making it, collecting and foraging the vegetables, herbs, hunting... He could hardly imagine his face covered in blood.

They ate in silence for a short while. Neither of them were quite able to figure out a starting point, but they soon both found themselves staring at each other, unable to divert their eyes from one another in the initial contact. Jesse is the first to break away, lifting his cheek from his hand and standing to take his empty bowl to the dishpan "How are you feeling right now...?" He asked. Arthur took another bite, almost struggling to swallow, "Uneasy...?" His response felt like more of a suggestion or a guess, "Yeah. Me too." Jesse laughed softly. Shortly after, Arthur finished his own and reluctantly stood to follow him, placing his own dish down carefully as Jesse leaned against the counter, staring at nothing in particular outside the window.

"I think it's time we talk about this, wouldn't you say?" Arthur couldn't bring himself to respond. He stood straight, forcing himself into composure and shot a brief glance at the other, "I want you to know that this, it ain't no worse than anything else," Jesse darts his eyes toward the ground, collecting his thoughts, "It's- It's okay."

Arthur responded quickly, "I know."

"Do you?"

His jaw tightened, teeth clenched uncomfortably hard. He was right, he didn't believe that, he couldn't see him hurt, he couldn't be the reason for it.

"This past year, admittedly, has had its fair share of scares, for more than one reason, I won't lie to you," Jesse laughs, "But as much as I woulda preferred to have seen that gun less, I haven't regretted anything." Arthur felt like he had been shot through the center of his chest.

"I don't think this went exactly to plan for neither of us, though." His tone remained lighthearted, sweet, even, throughout. Not traced with the slightest hint of bitterness, "I'm not even sure what to call this." Arthur nodded slowly, his tongue felt lodged in the back of his throat.

He could have sworn, for just a moment, Jesse hesitated, "I'd like to get to know you better."

Jesse finally turned to face Arthur, moving to adjust the collar of his shirt, Arthur shuddered feeling his fingertips brush his neck. Jesse leaned ever so slightly closer, closing the distance their height made. Arthur felt like his heartbeat was going to burst from his chest and splatter all over the wall, he felt like a nervous schoolboy with a bundle of flowers behind his back. Jesse's hand moved from Arthur's shirt collar to his jaw then his cheek, tracing over the scars that framed his face in a familiar motion.

"I care about you, Arthur."

"I... feel the same."

It was difficult to say who moved first, but in an instant they had once again found themselves magnetized towards one another, catching each other's lips in their own, arms wrapped around the other. Jesse's lead was characteristically gentle though uncoordinated and careless of their surroundings in favor of his current focus. Stray kitchenware nearly toppled off the counter in their struggle to find a stable surface to catch themselves against, the warmth from the iron stove blanketed them both. Arthur's grip dug into Jesse's back as if he were the last thread keeping him together, Jesse's arms wrapped around Arthur's neck bracing his head as they collided against the wall. Any reservations either may have been holding have been completely tossed aside, along with the rest of the world around them.

Arthur almost couldn't believe himself, his current position, the thoughts he was allowing to freely navigate his mind. Frankly though, he couldn't bring himself to care. This embrace was all that mattered to him right now. He somehow managed to tighten his grip even further and pushed forward, nearly toppling them both to the ground. Jesse worked to keep their balance and let an amused puff of air leave his nose, blowing onto Arthur's cheek. Eventually their battle for dominance was driven across the room, finally ending with Jesse falling backwards onto his own bed. They resigned to lay there, foreheads pressed together and wrapped in eachothers arms, catching their breath.

At some point, Arthur had maneuvered his face to rest on Jesse's shoulder. Jesse realized Arthur had begun shaking, feeling his uneven breaths against his neck, his grip around his torso impossibly tight as if he'd start sinking and drowning if he even thought about letting go, "I can't lose this again." His voice was hardly above a breath, "I can't lose you, Jesse." Each syllable threatened to shatter to a thousand pieces.

Jesse brushed a hand through Arthur's hair. It was considerably softer than his own, digging his face into Arthur's own shoulder "I'm not goin' anywhere." He felt a trembling heave brush against the side of his throat accompanied by the fingers digging into his back to loosen their grip, and punctuated by an unparsable expression of three syllables. Surely those were as important as anything else, though.