Blame and Shame
Her hands trembled as she reached out a hand to open her room’s door. Her other hand clasped over her mouth. Her legs shook so forcefully they felt like jello. She nearly tripped over something on the floor. Her brain far too distracted to try and comprehend what it could have been she stumbled over in her dark quarters. She barely made it into the bathroom before throwing up. Wolfe panted as bile dripped from her lips and into the toilet. Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she let her body slump backwards, connecting with the wall as she sat there shaking uncontrollably.
He was there! No… no no no no! That wasn’t right! Why was he there? She thought she had watched him die! No! This isn't right. She knew she had seen him die. He had been engulfed in flames and crushed. She was certain of it. Why was he there?!
She brought her hands up to her face. So many questions swam throughout her jumbled thoughts. Questions she didn’t wish to have answered. Yet, the questions she had were all the same. Slowly her hands fell from her face and down to her lap. Hazel eyes looked down at the stains of red that covered her palms and fingers. Thick and red. The blood dipped between each and every finger, seeping into her skin, her clothes, clumping her dark hair together. So much of it covered her. Almost none of it was her own though. Her brain kept playing her screams on repeat.
“He’s not healing! Why isn’t he healing?!”
Her screams so frantic and unlike her own she almost didn’t recognize it as herself at first. She had tried, desperately, to reach Crowe. There were too many people surrounding him, trying to heal him and stop the bleeding. But fuck, he wasn’t healing! He should have healed nearly instantly. That was what always happened if one of them became wounded, even fatally so. But not this time. What had happened? Everything was such a blur right now it was hard to pick up any coherent thought except for…. Lachellan. Oh god, he hadn’t died back then in their escape. All these years she had thought so wrong. Her handler was still alive. Still experimenting on others. Still creating genetically altered hybrids. Fuck! He was still alive! A sharp pang of fear shot through her then.
Everything after picking herself up off that bathroom floor felt mechanical. As if someone else had complete control of her body. She barely remembered stripping out of her blood soaked clothes, turning the shower on and washing, and redressing. She didn’t even realize she had left her room until she heard him. A voice that belonged to a man she would have given anything not to have to deal with right now. Wolfe turned, though was not expecting to be face to face with the fuming vampire right off the bat. He was pissed, that much was clear, and the telltale sign his anger was not stemming was by the simple fact that his jaw muscles were shifting. “This is your fault!” he snapped down at her.
“My fault?” she asked. Her voice was almost timid next to Dante’s angry bellows. She couldn’t get more out, however, before he started on her again.
“Yes! This whole damn thing is your fault! Look what happened to Nyria! Look what happened to your brother! This is why I didn’t want Loki and Deva to come! This is why I wanted them to stay behind, you could have gotten everyone killed!” Dante yelled. He was furious and it showed. It was something she wasn’t prepared for. Not right now. Her mind wasn’t thinking about Dante and his fury right now, it was elsewhere. Wolfe, for once, had no will to fight back.
The yelling had gotten the attention of more than just a few. Loki had been sitting with Deva, trying to console his sister, but as the arguing grew and grew, he couldn’t help but leave his twin’s side. Thankfully they had other siblings to keep her company and from entering the room where Crowe was being treated. But, this had seemed important enough that he had to check it out. He had only seen his father like this a handful of times. But right now he was just tearing into Wolfe and she… wasn’t retorting? It was an odd sight. And, that was putting it lightly. Wolfe was the only person, besides his mother, Loki had ever seen to put his father in his place. There had been many times that Loki even figured his father may even hold a certain fear for the hybrid. But this struck as such a red flag. She wasn’t fighting back. Wasn’t even trying. Something was off and it just wasn’t the fact that her brother lay nearly dying in the next room.
Dante’s yelling had even drawn the attention of Nyria. She was quick to rush to her husband’s side, running a gentle hand gracefully up his arm and clasping firm upon his shoulder. “Dante, no. This was my idea. Don’t take this out on her. I thought this would be easier than disrupting what demons did with their kids.” He turned to face Nyria, his eyes rolling and his cheek muscles clenching, as he shook his head.
That was it. That was all Wolfe remembered hearing. Everything else sounded as if it were trapped under some awkward filter, almost as if she were drowning underwater, and Nyria and Dante were a million miles away. She could feel it. The burn in her eyes. The tightening in her throat. No. Not here! She turned, a shaking hand over her mouth as she rushed down the hall. It was as if she had blinders on. The only thing Wolfe could see was straight ahead, everything else was nothing but a blur as she made it back to her room. She had made to shut the door, but there came a heavy thud. She spun around, but it was only Loki. His hand had caught the door before it could close. Damn him! She quickly bottled up her emotions even though she felt as though she might break at any second.
“Hey, are you okay?”
Such a simple dumb question. Wolfe nearly scoffed at her own thoughts. No, not dumb. He was just trying to be supportive. A good friend. She really wanted to just fling herself onto him. To hug him so tight and cry into his chest, but instead she let out a small chuckle. “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” she said. It wasn’t convincing at all. Her voice was shaking just as much as her body was. Her brain was so fixated on Lachellan and… god dammit, she shouldn’t even be thinking about her handler. She should be focused on her brother. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t think of anything else but her fucking handler!
“You’re a terrible liar.” Loki stated as he moved around the door, pushing it closed behind him once he was fully in the room. Ugggggggh, if she wasn’t so off she would have snapped at him. “And, the fact that you’re not telling me off about what I just said speaks volumes. This isn’t…” he paused, and she watched as his brows furrowed. He looked as if he were contemplating his next words carefully. “This isn’t about Crowe, is it?”
Hazel eyes widened and she felt her breath hitch in her chest. Fuck! In her vulnerable state had her walls crumbled that much? “I… I…” she stammered. She wanted to say she had no clue what he was talking about. To play it off and laugh like she normally did in awkward situations, but there was no trying to get out of this one. Her normal confidence had dissolved so quickly that she felt like she wasn’t even herself. “No. It isn’t.” Wolfe finally said. A small sigh trailing after her words.
“Was it him? That guy we saw at the facility? You froze when you saw him.” Loki watched as Wolfe bit her bottom lip. Her hands wringing together as she stayed silent. Her actions alone were enough to answer his questions. He made a snap judgment and took a step towards her, but even in her addled state she countered by taking a step back. Wolfe didn’t stop there. She put as much space between herself and him as she could. Coming to a stop when her back hit the furthest wall. Her hand crawled across the smooth stone until her fingertips brushed the ledge of one of the large, curved windows. She pulled herself up onto the ledge of the window, curling her knees into her chest, as she retreated into herself. Slowly, Loki followed. He gave her her space. He came to stand at the opposite end of the window. He watched her carefully. Never having seen Wolfe in this state he was cautious. The hybrid before him, though a friend, could also be described as unpredictable right now. A scared animal that if feeling threatened wouldn’t hesitate to strike. For several harsh minutes there was nothing but silence and the background sounds of commotion inside and out of the mansion. “Do you want to talk about it?” he questioned.
Nothing. Wolfe couldn’t bring herself to even answer. So clammed up that she felt that even if she could speak, her throat was tight enough that it wouldn’t allow it. Plus, she was trying to rebuild her walls. She needed them now more than ever. However, every time she tried to put a brick into place it would crumble and dissolve. She wanted to cry, but the fact that there was someone else in her room made her feel like an idiot for even thinking the thought. Where was Crowe when she needed him? Why did he have to go and get himself hurt like that? She really needed her brother. He was the only one who understood… She hated this. Being trapped in her own head like this. Her thoughts set to blame herself for everything. Dante was right, wasn’t he? This was her fault. If she hadn't frozen she could have helped take on Kit, to try and get him away from Crowe. She could have helped! But instead, she just stood there like a deer trapped in headlights. And, really, as much as she hated being in this state, she hated herself more. Here was Loki. A friend trying to be there, to help resolve this emotional turmoil she was in, but where to even begin? What could she say? Even his question felt heavy. If she told him, she’d have to let him in on something she had buried so long ago and… god, she wasn’t ready for that. She never would be ready for that. And so, they both just sat there, in silence.
Loki didn’t know how long they had been sitting there, but it had been enough time that the darkness of his mother’s pocket realm of the demon world was beginning to lighten. The golden ring of a rising sun peeking over the horizon. Being a vampire, a pureblood, it was something Loki had never once had the pleasure of seeing before. The demon realm was an amazing place. Not like the world he came from. Here the sun didn’t bother him. Here he could watch the sun rise and not be burned. He slid off the windowsill. “You don’t have to.” he said as he began heading towards the door, “I’m going to go check on Deva. Make sure she’s okay.” He reached out to grab the doorknob then, but he heard as Wolfe shifted from her curled up seating position.
“Wait.” Her voice came out in barely an audible tone. Her heart raced. Was she really? Yes, I guess she was. She didn’t know why, but if it meant she had to tell him to prevent him from leaving, that was what she’d do. Right now she really didn’t want to be alone. “I… I’ll tell you.” she said, gulping down the lump in her throat. There was no more hiding behind walls, no more burring down dark secrets, and really there wasn’t going to be a better time. “Just, stay.” She watched as his hand fell from the doorknob as he turned back to face her.