STS | An Unwelcomed Return

[Embergaze]

Embergaze hadn’t been home long. His newest kits, Onion, Morrigan, and Snap were settled in the Nursery; which meant his paws could finally seek out the children he’d abandoned. 

Guppywhirl had been crying – and she hadn’t come to him. Probably she was scared though, just like he was. 

Daffodilcatcher had left too – he felt a faint twinge of relief in knowing that he had asked Tigertail to keep eyes on her; she would have needed that support. His ears twitched uneasily – shouldn’t he have seen her tonight? Probably she would have been among the scathing eyes; his return with kits hadn’t been taken very well. Probably though, that made sense – he didn’t tell most of his clanmates where he’d gone, and even among those who knew, there’d been no reasonable explanation for him to have kits. 

It still made him dizzy to think about. 

He took a sharp breath in through his nose – actually, it wasn’t time to think about all of that. His daughter had been crying, and she hadn’t come to him. He would need to go to her. 

Was she alright? It was a distance from which he saw her, but her face had seemed different; had she gotten hurt while he was gone? The thought made his belly feel like ice – his daughter could have been hurt, and he hadn’t been there. 

With uncertain pawsteps, he moved out away from the nursery; once, he could have used his nose to guide him through the scents of his clanmates and towards his daughter. After the moons spent elsewhere however, his kin and clan smelled one in the same – a cacophony of smells whirled together into an incomprehensible lump sum of scent. Probably he would just have to look for her. 

He started to check the apprentices’ den, before realizing that was incredibly silly and definitely she wasn’t in there. After that, he hesitantly looked into the warriors’ den, calling her name softly as he went.

[Guppywhirl]

Guppywhirl tries her best to distract herself. Any frivolous thing to keep her mind ablaze. She's had thoughts about using the pebbles she found to skid across the water- or maybe she could climb the trees and watch the birds from there. 

Too many loud noises in camp... too much for her. She wishes Hootfrost was here, maybe then he'd know what to do. But he's far away. She doesn't know where Baysnap is. 

She drags herself back to the warriors den, to which she's immediately called back to the entrance. She doesn't recognize the voice at first, it being far too long since she's seen Embergaze. She was a young apprentice, now a full-fledged warrior. 

She hopes it's the patrol's return, and Guppywhirl would be graced with being the first to greet those who sacrificed themselves and left. No, it's just... him. Whoever he is. 

Guppywhirl looks at Embergaze. She once had to stand on her tippy-toes to speak to him, and even then they didn't meet eye-to-eye. Now, they're at equal height, and she has every opportunity to take in every part of Embergaze. Every part of him that he took away from her. 

"...Hi."

[Embergaze]

Guppywhirl’s height and face gave Embergaze pause – when he’d last seen her, she’d been small; the height of his shoulder, maybe? Now she was a warrior in her own right (About as old as he’d been when he’d had her), and he’d missed all of it, hadn’t he? 

She didn’t look glad to see him, actually – probably though she wouldn’t be (would he have been glad to see Riona at her age? Maybe. Probably. But this was different, wasn’t it?). 

”I think maybe I was gone longer than I thought I would be.” He started, voice halting. ”Do you want to talk somewhere, little fish?” He nearly winced as her nickname fell from his mouth – probably he shouldn’t have said that, actually. ”Probably you aren’t that little anymore, actually.” He offered, the trace of a smile on his face. 

A small part of him had hoped that he would return, and everything would be…well, probably not normal, but maybe okay. The tips of his ears burned at the thought – it was wrong, probably, that he’d hoped for that at all actually. He had left, and at his return he had to face his children – what would he have hoped Riona would have to say to him, if he’d found her? That she shouldn’t have left, and she’d realized it’d been wrong, probably – that she had missed him, and wished she’d been there to see him grow up. That she was proud of who he had become. 

He felt these things as true in his chest, but probably they weren’t the sort of things that would make anything right. Had Daffodilcatcher been there to hear her warrior ceremony? Maybe. Embergaze hadn’t been, either way.

[Guppywhirl]

Guppywhirl's face knits together in confusion. What does he mean by... longer than he thought? Did he get lost? Taken? Her confusion, as she continues to listen to Embergaze, gradually shifts to disgust. Like she ate sour prey, a permanent linger on her tongue. 

Is she disgusted at him? No- no she can't be... She just doesn't like all these feelings. Like she wants to cry, but she wants to be mean too. She wants to run away from the world, but she already tried doing that... and everyone was angry at her for it. 

"No," she quips. "Talk here is fine." She rubs her sore eyes. "Not little anymore, no. But everyone still treats me little." Standing in front of Embergaze now, she so desperately wants to crawl into his grasp, hold him so tightly like she had as a kit. What she wanted so badly from Daffodilcatcher, she could get from her other mama... Things were okay then. 

Still, it didn't feel like enough. Like she wanted something more, like there should be something more. She feels the tears coming on again. 

"Why? Why did you lie to me?" Guppywhirl mumbles, her lip quivering. "Why did you even come back?"

[Embergaze]

His daughter looked wretched, and he had done that. Embergaze’s breath felt caught in his lungs, but not actually in a good way – in the sort of way where you hope that if you don’t breath, something won’t find you, and maybe you can escape. 

Talk here was fine. 

He shuffled his paws. ”Okay, probably yeah that’s-“ He stopped, swallowing. Probably she didn’t want to talk for very long, and that was okay – really they should be going more at her speed than anything else, so…this was good, actually. He tried to calm his frantic mind and heart, and he saw her tears. 

”Oh.” Is all he could manage at first, when Guppywhirl asks him why he lied – and why he’d come home. He took a moment, trying to find the ground beneath his paws. 

”There’s…a lot, but I think none of it is okay.” Is what he finally told her. ”I can tell you, if you want. But also sometimes I think it’s okay to not want to know why, and to just be upset.” 

He wanted to explain everything to her – maybe she would understand if he told her all of it. But probably she wouldn’t, and probably it wasn’t fair for him to ask her to. Because actually, he’s just left. He hadn’t told her any of it before – hadn’t given her more than the edge of an evening’s warning before vanishing into the snow. 

Sooner a corpse. Daffodilcatcher’s scathing words still carried in his mind – and she’d been right. It had been lucky probably, that he hadn’t just died out there, leaving Guppywhirl the same questions and uncomfortable grief that had plagued Embergaze most of his life. 

Probably she was right to be upset, and no reasoning would make it better, actually. She was his daughter, and he’d made her cry like this – had left her alone for her warrior ceremony. 

He didn’t even know what had hurt her face like that; were they strangers, now? He felt like they couldn’t be, and also knew that right now, he couldn’t be anything else.

[Guppywhirl]

Upon Embergaze finishing his explanation, Guppywhirl's tears are now entirely flowing. It's coating her face, dribble too, wet and sloppy. She doesn't care about her appearance, not one bit. She doesn't care who hears their conversation. They can think whatever they want to think, about Ember or herself. She doesn't care- she doesn't care! 

She tries to respond, but nothing comes out. She tries again, and she's finally able to make a noise, but it's a crack of her voice. Nothing of substance. Like a fish out of water, slowly being suffocated. She's safe on land, her mind far out at sea. 

"Shut up." Guppywhirl sniffles. "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, don't- I don't like you! I hate you! I hate you, momma! You're so stupid, and I can't stand you no more. Go die for all I care." 

She doesn't know if all the things she's saying are true. But they're coming nonetheless. Nothing Embergaze said made sense anyway. Why would he leave? He should just say it, spill it out like Guppywhirl has always done. But no, no one is ever honest with her, not like how she is with others. Maybe that's a bad thing. 

"I don't need you. I don't need no one no more, 'cause I'm not a baby no more. I can take care of myself. So don't try bothering me no more."

[Embergaze]

Embergaze felt as though wind were buffeting him atop a mountain, and all he could do was dig his claws into the earth in a vain attempt to hold himself steady. He stared at his daughter with wide eyes, wounded both by her misery (a hurt he had caused himself, actually) and her words. 

She was a warrior now, and he’d had nothing to do with that, had he? She could take care of herself – he’d lost the privilege of being a father to her, hadn’t he? 

Swallowing back a growing lump in his throat, he answered in a soft, hoarse voice. 

”Okay.” 

He felt as though he were floating above himself – as though he were watching the scene play out as a reflection over water. 

But he wasn’t; this was his daughter, and he stared the repercussions of his choices in the eyes, mouth opening and closing several times over before he finally managed to figure out what it was he needed to say.

”I am-“ He tried, the words still catching in his throat. ”I won’t leave again, because probably maybe if you need answers from me – because actually, sometimes, it feels better to be able to ask why.” 

He didn’t know if it would have made him feel better to have known why Riona had left him; why she had been so eager to leave him in the care of a stranger’s clan. But maybe he would have liked the option. 

His eyelids fluttered, flaring up as the reality of the situation bore down on him. His daughter hated him.

”I won’t bother you, though.” 

He shouldn’t have left. He knew that – he’d known he was making a mistake, even as he had done it. Why had it felt so important? It hadn’t even mattered; she’d already been dead. 

Embergaze’s jaw shook and his claws dug into the earth a moment longer before he took an uneven step backwards. ”I’m sorry, little fish-“ He shouldn’t have called her that, probably. Dimly, he wondered what he should tell her new kin – probably she wouldn’t want anything to do with them, actually. 

But… 

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he asked her, ”Your younger kin- do you want them to leave you alone also?” 

Were they her kin? He didn’t know – probably that was her choice, actually. He flinched; he shouldn’t have assumed.

[Guppywhirl]

Guppywhirl's face flushes with anger, the purest of rage she's ever experienced. Once the fire is lit, it only spreads and spreads. 

This wasn't the cat she knew. Did she ever know? Did he even know who he was when he had her? I won't bother you. It wasn't a bother, really, despite all the anger involved. Guppywhirl knows this needed to happen, one way or another. It just hurts. It'd hurt to say it out loud too. So she won't. 

He's asking her to ask him questions. Right? Should she be more interested in the reasoning? No, because she already knows why. "You left 'cause you wanted to." Guppywhirl's words simmer on her tongue, a few touches from being a yell. "No one forced you to. No one wanted you to go. But you did." 

He already knows how much it hurts, how much it hurts to see him again. Now they have to live together like nothing happened. She finally stops crying, but the stains remain. Wiping them away, she soon after cringes at the nickname given to her. "Not your little fish anymore," she's quick to correct. Not one bit of hesitation. She can't be afraid anymore. Say it how it is, this is your life. Guppy's life. 

She doesn't want to respond to Embergaze's further questions. It doesn't matter- she got what she wanted out of the conversation. Embergaze's kids don't matter. Visibly uninterested, Guppywhirl looks off to the side. "I dunno..." She mulls over the faces and names of Embergaze's children. Not her siblings... just new children. "I just hope they're not gonna be sad like me."

[Embergaze]

His daughter hated him, probably. Embergaze saw it in her eyes and flinched again. She didn’t yell at him – not quite. But also probably she sounded like she wanted to. 

He had left because he’d wanted to. 

Probably that was true, actually – well, sort of. Mostly. He left because he was afraid. Because he didn’t know what else to do. 

But that didn’t actually make a lot of sense, so probably she was right; he left because he’d wanted to. 

Embergaze shifted, eyes fixed on his paws now (how could he meet her eyes? He’d abandoned her, like his mother had him). 

He flinched again when she told him she wasn’t his little fish- because actually that was true, and he shouldn’t have said it. She was big, and strong, and it was no thanks to him. 

She didn’t want her siblings to be sad like her. How sad was she? She used to smile sometimes, when she was little – had he broken that when he left? He needed-

”Probably my mum left me too, and I went to find her, actually.” 

That was worse, actually. It made it worse, didn’t it – because he remembered how much it hurt to think about his mum, he knew what it felt like to dodge thoughts on Riona to stop himself from questioning whether she’d ever meant to come home at all. 

”Probably actually she left me here- I was a kit, actually. Four I think? Actually that doesn’t matter probably, because probably what it means is that- I thought I could find her, and bring her home, and then maybe something would be okay because actually I didn’t know why nothing was.” Was he giving her excuses? He should stop talking, probably. 

”Because it was broken before I left, actually.” He'd made it worse; he could see that on his daughter’s face, hear it in her voice. He spoke more quickly now – he needed her to know, and probably if she never spoke to him again that meant that now was his only chance. 

”And actually I don’t know why it was broken, I don’t know what I was doing that was wrong- but it was broken, and I was scared, and I’m sorry.”

[Guppywhirl]

Guppywhirl let him talk, let him speak every word that he was so desperate to get out. It was originally fodder to her anger, but overtime it decreased to a drained sadness, like every emotion was being wrung out of her body like a rag. She's kept it up for so long, unable to truly release her thoughts and feelings. Not for a lack of trying. Those she cares for, and subsequently those that have left her, cannot be spoken to when they're not there. 

She could only linger on the shadows that they leave behind. She doesn't want to remember their faces. They were never that pleasant to look at- not ugly or anything, but they were always happier when they were away from her. Something about Guppywhirl. She wasn't all that ugly when she was a baby, but it could be argued differently now. 

"I don't wanna run from you," Guppywhirl says. Not like how you ran from me. He knows that already, no use in saying it. "Can't run from... all my feelings. 'Cause they're my feelings, always gonna be with me. But you-" She grits her fangs together, almost breaking a few off with how rough of a grip she has. "Why am I even alive? You- you, you're just like your own momma. Makin' babies just to leave them in the dirt. That's no way to treat a baby." 

She kicks up a few rocks in Embergaze's direction, to emphasize her point. "When- if Daffodil comes home, you go cry to her. I don't care about you or your momma, 'cause you don't care about me. You got your new family now, and keep me away, 'cause I don't want to be in it."

[Embergaze]

How could Embergaze answer a question like that? That wasn’t the sort of question that had an answer, actually. But probably she didn’t want to hear about that – probably she didn’t need him to tell her about paths that people have to walk. 

He flinched.

”It isn’t, actually. Because I think probably you were soft and small, and maybe you needed more love than I gave you- and, probably more, you needed me to stay. I know.” His words felt hollow in his throat; he knew, and he had known then that it was wrong. And he had done it anyway. 

His ears pinned to the back of his head, and he took a step back as Guppywhirl kicked debris towards him. She didn’t want to be his daughter – probably that meant she wasn’t, didn’t it? He could offer her something – was it his to offer? Probably it didn’t matter. 

”I’m sorry I wasn’t-“ He swallowed; his mind felt distant from his body. ”I wasn’t the da you needed, I think. Or at all, probably. But-“ 

Had Daffodilcatcher already told them? Maybe. But probably Guppywhirl would have said something about it though, if she had. 

”Minnowfleet maybe, could be a better one.” He spoke this truth in a voice soft as feather-down. If he couldn’t be her da anymore, maybe she could find something worthwhile in Minnowfleet. He’d never liked the tom probably, but- well, Guppywhirl didn’t like him very much, so maybe actually they would get along.

[Guppywhirl]

Guppywhirl scrunches her features together. That was it, then. She knew what was coming, the dam having been broken so long ago. But the water is now finally hitting her, washing her away from what she wanted the most: a family. Although not visible to the naked eye, or heard from miles away, it's certain now that she has no mother, nor a father. 

Maybe it's always been like that, but the tide is fully ebbed. 

She feels so alone. No one will ever love her like the Embergaze and Daffodilcatcher in her head did. 

Preparing to make her leave, having no use for the continued excuses Embergaze spills out, she's stopped by the last sentence. It takes a moment for her to register it. She doesn't fully register it, however. Nothing is ever explained right, just fragments of a truth. 

"Yeah. He's already been better. And Hootfrost, he's been better too. And Phoebebloom, and Larkclove, and Baysnap, and Java, and Oliveweb, and Thistlemist. They've all been better than you." 

She turns fully away from Embergaze, heading straight for her nest in the warrior's den.